Can't do this marriage anymore

There is another thread on gransnet about favourite proverbs, mine has always been that "the thought is worse than the deed"

I dont wish to sound flippant, and am not pretending that this will be an easy ride, but it is indeed possible, and one day in the not too distant future you will be so proud of yourself and what you have accomplished.

Just make that first step and follow the practical advice given by others on here, and remember that the thought (is virtually always!!) worse than the deed.

Good luck

About 27 years ago, I got the free half hour with a solicitor and was told that it would be a 50/50 divide. We agreed that it would be much cheaper for us to sort it out ourselves and I divorced him without using a solicitor.

Houndi, if a husband/partner dies with only his name on the deeds, the wife doesn't automatically become the owner. That's the law. The wife becomes what's known as a tenancy in common which is why it's so important to have both names on the deeds of a house.

I'd suggest the first stop is to your doctor for a discussion, maybe ask if you can get a double appointment so you don't feel rushed. It's not just about depression, you need to talk to a professional about how long you've felt this way.

Have you talked to your son? There's another consideration, you leave where does he go -

Have you talked to your husband? Maybe an appointment with Relate - not with the intention of maintaining your relationship, but with an independent person in the room while you discuss things, separation, how to move forward in this.

As someone who has been on the other side of this - my husband (23 year marriage) wanting to leave, making plans to leave, talking to his friends wife (33, blonde, sympathetic yadda yadda) at all hours about how much he wanted to leave and not a single word to me, I was completely blindsided - the sneaking around looking at his paperwork, bank statements etc, really doesn't sit well with me. Ladies out there suggesting this, think about how you would feel if this were a bunch of guys saying the same thing.

I agree with others about getting your paperwork sorted, but you don’t have to divorce straightaway. I think you need to see a Dr first get your depression seen to so you can sleep, then you can start collating all necessary paperwork. You can rent privately for a year for you and your son it will be easier and a quicker solution and give you time to breathe and work out what to do next. I’m happiest I’ve been for a long time being on my own,doing what I want when I want with no one else to consider or moan at me. You will feel a sigh of relief when you shut your door for the first time and you will wonder why it took you so long. Please don’t suffer like this anymore there of thousands of women our age that make this decision and do something about it.

Really empathise Maddy, I was in the same position 20 years ago. Luckily my husband went off with a friend so ‘he’ left but I had to sell the house and downsize and I hated leaving my lovely home. I am now my own person, a nicer one than when I was with him. I like myself now, he put me down. So it will be tough at times, being on your own growing older isn’t always great but you certainly won’t be as unhappy as you sound now so good luck! x
(I also grew very close to my son as he was totally on my side to help me)

Many years ago when I left my first husband I didn’t think I could support myself, but my solicitor took me through my entitlement and helped me move on with my life.
Please don’t go on any advice from friends and relatives as they probably don’t know the current law. Make the leap and get that appointment for legal advice. You’ll be so glad you did, and you’ll find you’ll be entitled to far more than you first thought. Good luck x

You are unlikely to get half of everything. I wish people would stop giving this "advice".

The court will consider the age of the parties and the length of the marriage in relation to that plus any other relevant circumstances including state of health. He is 18 years older and it is no way as simple as 50/50.

Get advice from a recommended matrimonial specialist. I was one but am now retired.

Maddy68 Your own posting spells it out. You know exactly what you want to do. Re-read it as a disconnected party. Take heed of all the good advice from the wisdom of the Gransnetter posts. Your very literate, well composed post tells me that you are competent, capable and have lots to offer your new world. Gather your courage. Jump. You won't regret it when the dust has settled.

Maddy68, hi!,if I can do it after 37yrs of marriage you can too. I’m in the process of divorce and moving into council property. I’m so scared to but I’m going , you CAN DO IT ! No such WORD AS CANT . So toughen up girl there‘s an awful lot of us out there doing the same . ONE LIFE ! Don’t get another chance . I hope you get there .....?

Unless there are very special circumstances or dependents you won't get what you want, what you deserve, or what will let you continue your present standard of living. You'll get half of what there IS.

Pay a solicitor a little money to confirm this, don't take my unqualified opinion. But don't pay a solicitor a lot of money to fight it.

So very sorry for your sadness and distress. It seems impossible now (perhaps that is what your husband has encouraged you to believe) but it can be done. You will survive and thrive. There is much good advice from others here about actions you can follow. Take one step at a time and you will find freedom and happiness.

Definitely get legal advice first. Definitely take copies of all his financial paperwork - a friend of mine went for divorce only to find that her husband was pleading poverty and had well hidden all his money -so good to have the proof (even if you never have to use it). Only after you've done this, start to look at the practicalities such as where you will live and what income you would live on. Presumably your son will move with you so you wouldn't be alone. And, from experience of a friend of mine, once you make the move it's amazing the opportunities that crop up. She told all her friends that she was looking for work, and anyone she met - it was a neighbour who put her onto a job that her son was advertising and she now works in an estate agent and absolutely loves it (a whole new career for her in her 50's). When we're contemplating a change we always focus on what we will lose because we don't yet know what we will gain - sounds like you need support and encouragement. But legal advice first.

Maddy. you must be in emotional turmoil! You do need information about your financial rights and once you have that you will feel a little better, as you will have solid info to base your decision on.

Maddy68

I have a friend in a similar situation, her mental and physical health are suffering badly and her partner (also with mental health issues) refuses to accept that there is anything wrong. The house they live in is attached to the husbands job.
She got in touch with a domestic abuse charity and they class her situation as mental abuse. They are providing counselling, helping her try to find somewhere to live and to sort out her benefits. They have told her that if it comes to the point where she cannot stay in the house any longer they will put her in a woman's refuge until she finds somewhere to live.
Maybe worth having a chat with somewhere similar.

I feel for you so much. Before you do anything make an appointment with a Solicitor specialising in family law. Many firms offer a free half hour consultation. You are entitled to assets. Do not stay and waste your life with this man x

Same here Harv1.
Best thing i have EVER done.

My father was the only one on the deeds of my parents house, we are in England, he had a Will which left my Mother everything so it made absolutely no difference to her, I was executor of the Will so I know this is factual. Only if he had he died and not made a Will would it have made a difference. Obviously this is a different situation altogether and I would suggest she seeks immediate legal advice, though if she has contributed financially to their home I am pretty sure she will have some entitlement.

Being a cynical 'doormat' might possibly be a good move.It would obviously involve a change in how you relate to this man.
If you divorce, you will almost certainly lose a lot of your present home comforts, and maybe a widow's pension.

The relationship would be more nurse and patient than wife and husband. Not sharing a bed, or eating at the same table, but dispensing whatever reassurance and physical help he needs within reason.

No advice but wishing you strength to go forward to a happier life.

As others have said you need to get advice before making any hasty decisions. Do look at the Citizens Advice website but better still see if you can make an appointment with your local branch (this may have to be by phone due to Covid) they will be able to do a benefit check to see what you might be entitled to if you left and you may be surprised. Have you talked to your son about your feelings, is he prepared to leave with you? Also, as others say, if the house is owned you would be entitled to half. Another thought perhaps go to mediation, Citizens Advice will Provide you with details. If you can get your husband to go too all the better but it’s not necessary. This is not marriage guidance but more to look at finances if you do separate/divorce and can be helpful. Once you have done all your investigations and talked to your son you will feel much better and more able to speak to your husband and make your decision. Good luck

Visit a solicitor and get information about where you stand re division of assets etc.

You’ve made a brave step making the decision, good luck it will be a massive relief I’m sure

I think you need to remove yourself from the situation to think straight. If you can`t afford to go and book a little cottage somewhere for a week or two, then go to a women`s refuge, emotional abuse is awful and the refuges give you a chance to think clearly. then get legal advise. Your son can sort himself out, stay go etc this is about you. You could be around another 20 years, so you need to be kind to yourself.

You talk about your husband's mental health issues and your dread when he wakes up; are you in any danger? If you are, I think property is the least of your worries and you should seek help from a woman's shelter or the Housing Officer. Similarly, if it is coercive behaviour because people who use this in a relationship without violence may use it if they feel their power is slipping away from them.
AreYouListening, I sympathise with how you must feel but it is more about getting information to use if the other party uses stalling or evasive tactics rather than a betrayal by talking to all and sundry without addressing the situation with you.
Maddy68, there is some really good advice here (some not so good) but the best advice is to seek help from a solicitor. They will be able to tell you what the law is and I am sure they will not advise you to stay in order to ensure you don't lose any rights to the property. There are online checkers to see what benefits you are entitled to in order to live safely and it might be a good idea to discuss this with your son to see if there is a way you can share costs.
I hope that, just by making plans to start a new life, you will get the impetus you need to get you to the new life.

CAB can tell you if there is a branch of Women's Aid in your area or something similar.
this sounds a bit 'off the wall' but re-framing your situation might help in the short term. You know you are planning to leave, he doesn't. You could think in terms of 'honouring the good things you have shared (before the rot set in) by being really nice to him. It is hard to be rude and offensive to someone when they are being nice to you. Throughout the being nice period you can make proper plans for moving without panic and to your own best advantage. This puts you in control. It could conclude with a nice letter, clear, firm and not blaming or vindictive. If he has mental health issues it is important not to inflame the situation for your own (and his) safety.