What o you do when you no longer want to?

Thank you. Our marriage is fine. We are great friends and have no desire to part company. It is odd, isn't it, that the assumption of many seems to equate to 'put out or don't be surprised if he finds someone else.' as if that is the most natural thing. But what if he just doesn't like to talk? Would anyone say 'well, if he doesn't want to talk, expect her to walk out and find someone who will.' I doubt it. Yes, this is since the menopause.

Thank you. I find only people who have been there understand. It's such a difficult thing to deal with.

Thank you, yes. A lot of what you say is true. I am grateful to hear what poeple think, and it isn't a simple problem. It's just that otherwise our marriage is great. We are friends, we laugh, we enjoy each others company, it's just this one thing.

Thank you. Your marriage sounds the same as mine. I agree with all you said, and glad it isn't just me.

Sorry polly, who are you replying to in your last five posts? Don’t feel bad, so many posters have jumped to some real strange conclusions.?

Pollyj I'm not sure what has upset you about the responses on here, people are only trying to help and giving their experiences. Some you will find helpful others not so much but not everyone will agree with you,

If you are both happy to live together like siblings or friends then that’s fine.

Sadly it doesn’t seem your man feels that way.

So what to do? Talk it through and decide together seems best.

Good luck.

We have a similar problem but luckily husband's libido is decreasing too, but slower than mine.
After menopause I suffered from vaginal dryness which really put a damper on things. Caused UTIs as well. My GP put me on Vagifem which is a great help - still using it now. So I don't dread "intimacy" as I used to do. And it keeps him happy.
It's worth having a chat with your (female) GP. Though mine was male.

PollyJ,
Talk it through together very frankly. You love each other, so you can find a solution that should make both of you happy, not necessarily delirious, but at least contented.
If you haven't already, find some books, such as "The Complete Book of Love and Sex", and take time to learn together about your erogenous zones.
Choose times when you are both not tired, but relaxed and there are no time pressures. A glass of wine may help.
Do not expect quick results, you will both be on a learning curve. His love for you will give him patience and tenderness, while hopefully yours for him will provide tolerance and acceptance. Care for each other's needs.
Say what you each enjoy.
Things will gradually get better.
If you both go about things in a slow and gentle way, hopefully, you will weather this storm and come out into sunshine on the other side, and find ways to actually enjoy pleasing each other.
It has worked through our 56 years!

I'm with MissAdventure. Why should it need fixed? Sex isn't the be all and end all. Bodies change as we get older.

I wasn’t looking for agreement. I was asking if anyone else had dealt with it and could share their experience. I didn’t expect people to tell me my marriage was clearly on the rocks or that I shouldn’t be surprised if my husband found someone who would provide him with the full service. Because that’s that’s how it came over at times. I value everyone’s responses, if it isn’t just me who found some of them Surprisingly ‘aggressive’ in their approach.

Thanks, puzzled. Part of the thing is that I am completely familiar with all our erogenous zones! I just no longer have the slightest desire to visit them. I think even if atom Hardy turned up Wanting to show me his I’d find it hard to raise a smile! ?

Sorry that I can't help, it's the opposite way round in this house makes me feel ugly, undesirable and (sometimes) unloved.

Pollyj...... I absolutely understand what you are saying. At first when needed because of dryness I used and still use vagifem with extra ky jelly at the intimate times. Although this makes the physical act more comfortable it does nothing for libido.
I will enjoy the closeness but dare I be blunt here...... Will pleasure my husband in other ways rather than have intercourse. Perhaps intercourse very briefly, but it does nothing for me, and so I use the other methods. I am sure you know what I mean.

I would be content to Just read my book. I daresay in one way I should be flattered that my husband still does show an interest. I don't rebut him, I just turn it around so he is satisfied and I am happy to do so.

I hope no one is offended at my direct speaking.

PollyJ, you said your husband wasn’t’t speaking to you because of ‘another misunderstanding’. You said that ‘it feels like being violated’ and that you were resentful.

And then you ask on a public forum for people to offer support.

I can’t do that. I think your marriage is in difficulties. If having sex with a husband you claim to love is a violation, it’s not trivial - you’re saying that sex with him is tantamount to rape. If your husband won’t speak to you when you reject his advances, it’s a problem because he isn’t accepting that your lack of desire is a good reason not to have sex. Your relationship is not in a good place.

Sorry. You asked is it right that you should feel under pressure to perform. No. It isn’t. You can refuse to perform. However, if your husband sees sex as essential enough that he won’t speak to you if you reject him, you have to choose between your absolute right to refuse sex and the security of your marriage.

But phoenix I think what you have said about your perspective could be very helpful to the op.

Could shine a light on how pollyj husband feels in a some way.
Although men do seem to have stronger egos than us women when presented with this situation.
But what do i know!

phoenix

Sorry that I can't help, it's the opposite way round in this house makes me feel ugly, undesirable and (sometimes) unloved.

That is so sad, and the worst part of it, that he might feel that way.

geekesse

*PollyJ*, you said your husband wasn’t’t speaking to you because of ‘another misunderstanding’. You said that ‘it feels like being violated’ and that you were resentful.

And then you ask on a public forum for people to offer support.

I can’t do that. I think your marriage is in difficulties. If having sex with a husband you claim to love is a violation, it’s not trivial - you’re saying that sex with him is tantamount to rape. If your husband won’t speak to you when you reject his advances, it’s a problem because he isn’t accepting that your lack of desire is a good reason not to have sex. Your relationship is not in a good place.

Sorry. You asked is it right that you should feel under pressure to perform. No. It isn’t. You can refuse to perform. However, if your husband sees sex as essential enough that he won’t speak to you if you reject him, you have to choose between your absolute right to refuse sex and the security of your marriage.

I did ask, yes, but not support for whatever I think or want. I wanted to hear what others have done about it in the same situation. We always make up and rows are very rare. I don't think our marriage is in any trouble as I know no marriage that is without its issues and ours has so much else that is still good about it. I just hate the pain it causes. One of us will have to give and perhaps it will have to be a compromise.
What a situation.

Cookgran sane here. I think that's a good compromise.

Amended version...
Coolgran65 same here. I think that's a good compromise.

From my personal experience a drastic change in either my libido or husband's could be problematic.

Expectations/roles in relationships can change over time and sometimes that 'change' leads to one party in the relationship saying, "This is not okay with Me/a 'deal breaker'..."

I agree with geekesse -- "I think your marriage is in difficulties." and 'the silent treatment' is not a healthy sign of good communication skills on both your parts.

He's not feeling heard so his defense is to 'stop talking'.

Pollyj -- "One of us will have to give and perhaps it will have to be a compromise." -- You should examine that statement. Is that 'normal' that one side has to 'give in' and for You, is 'giving in' = to compromise?

Pollyj - I don't think you can really expect a bunch of strangers on the internet to give you advice which you can rely upon, simply because everyone's relationships and experiences will be different. It depends on how important sex is to your husband as to whether or not it is a 'deal breaker', but only you two can decide, with or without counselling, but there needs to be a frank discussion.

I find your word 'violated' a bit odd and that, more than anything, suggests to me that the problem is deeper than you actually believe. But, as I have already said, only the two of you can decide whether or not you can make the marriage work going forward. Good luck

PetitFromage -- I agree, "It depends on how important sex is to your husband as to whether or not it is a 'deal breaker', but only you two can decide, with or without counselling, but there needs to be a frank discussion."

I also agree with this sentiment, "the problem is deeper than you actually believe"... I have a lot of experience with unhealthy relationship dynamics. Often one party is very unhappy and since the other person feels no such urgency and they believe everything is 'good' because THEY are content, miss the 'warning signs' that things are NOT.

OP has said multiple things like, "We are great friends and have no desire to part company.", "It's just that otherwise our marriage is great. We are friends, we laugh, we enjoy each others company, it's just this one thing." and that is the sort of thing that makes Me go, "Full stop. That is how YOU feel/think of the relationship. Is that husband's view/perspective? Have you asked him? If he said 'No.' would you be receptive to hearing his whys? How many times has husband 'given in'/compromised with with You?"

"One of us will have to give and perhaps it will have to be a compromise" -- Healthy relationships are all about compromise and not one party or the other 'giving in' to the other. The way that reads is that "compromise" is like 'lowering yourself'/abnormal and THAT is why I see danger.

Pollyj, you were brave to ask if people understood your feelings, and if others had shared similar feelings and if so how they dealt with them. You've had the usual mixed bag of responses. Some people see sex as essential in a happy relationship, others disagree. My view and experience is that the monopause, vaginal dryness, pain on intercourse need to be acknowledged. A 'simple pessary' will not change that. Fagifem may help but any slight post menopausal bleed, or the need to take blood thinners will rule that out.

There are many very happy older couples for whom sex is no longer possible. It doesn't stop them loving each other, or enjoying their lives together. I don't expect the majority of them feel so deprived that they wander off to find a casual sex partner, or pay someone. That would be a deal breaker for me. I would not choose to share my life with a partner who paid some exploited, probably drug addicted woman for sex.

You asked for what has helped us. I did have HRT for a while and yes it did help. I felt better in myself and more positive generally at a time when I was exchanging jobs and moving house and it helped our sex life too.
Perhaps ask your GP for advice.