What o you do when you no longer want to?

I'm not sure that many couples are going to ever have matching libido through all stages of their relationship.

Also, it's not like there aren't other ways to release pent up sexual frustration.

Find something that works for you OP, whether that's letting him have a couple of magazines or something, or figuring out if anything would get you going again so that you can enjoy it.

Whatever is comfortable for you

Surely it is at least worth asking your Doctor if there is something that might help?

If you took a pill and then suddenly your desire was back, would you be happy?

My thoughts exactly Lucca.
Its down to each individual at the end of the day,and of course sometimes i can`t be bothered snd other times yehhh bring it on.

I can understand your outrage Polly when some posters are saying your marriage is on the rocks when they know so little of your situation. Take note of the views which you think will help you and your DH and ignore ones which you feel are unhelpful to you.

Okay, my first reply to anything in here.
I have been on the other side of this problem for many years. My wife and I think we perhaps last had penetrative sex about 10 years ago (we are 57/58).
I cannot tell you how painful this has been for us both.

Yes, of course it is possible to stay married without sex being part of that marriage. But you might have to accept that it exists outside your marriage. Some women and men will be afraid and disgusted by that but its still the truth.
And yes of course it doesnt have to involve any counselling. But just talking will not resolve this, you will have to listen as well. And accept each others position. Then there will be getting over the hurt this will trigger. And beyond that stage if your marriage survives it you will need to find a way that you can stay together that suits you both. If there is no solution unacceptable to either half thats when you have to reconsider the relationship (marriage). Its a possible outcome.
Thats counselling DIY in a nutshell. If you are strong enough to do that entire journey, without emotions getting in the way of communications and without ShouldaWouldaCoulda thinking.. start today.
From experience, Dont talk about it in bed, only in daylight, in private, when you have time to linger, and with as much love and understanding and patience as you can both muster. A smile and a giggle about it all works wonders. Setting a time limit so that the other cannot change the subject and hide might help too (counselling DIY remember)
Don't cave in - either of you. Fix this.
Good luck.

Pollyj. Isn't marriage a compromise, so if you are not willing right now, then I do not see why H cannot sort himself out. H needs to be understanding and thoughtful.. Marriage isn't just about his needs. That's very selfish. Stick to your feelings, and if he cannot or will not support you right now. Ditch him, he will get over it

Healthy people don't pressure anyone to have sex- Period- They don't make people feel guilty for refusing or not being in the mood- They work together on the issue-

When a man suffers from erectile dysfunction, his partner is encouraged to:

Learn as much as you can about ED. ...
Let him know how much you value him. ...
Talk about how you feel. ...
Stay positive. ...
Adjust your sex life. ...
Offer to go with him to the doctor. ...
Remind him to let his doctor know how he's doing. ...
Keep up the other intimate parts of your relationship

When women experience loss of libido due to menopause?

Lubricate. ...
Bolster your body with pillows. ...
Try sex doggie-style. ...
Woman on top. ...
On your sides ..

In other words, treat erectile dysfunction with kindness and support- But treat menopausal loss of libido .. with lube and sex ..

Pollyj - I am sorry that this is a difficulty for you at present.

I absolutely recognise that you have no sexual desire at present and that this is currently a mismatch with your OH. This does not mean that your marriage is on the rocks, or that you do not have a sound relationship. It simply means that there is a problem that you both need to find some way to solve.

There is nothing wrong with you - you are simply at an age when your hormone levels are such that your desire for sex is low or non-existent - you have done nothing wrong, and are not ill. There is no fault on either side here - it is just an unfortunate mismatch at this point in your lives.

I faced this problem with my OH (who has since died) and fully understand how hard it is and indeed how destructive it can be. It becomes impossible to show any physical affection - a hand-hold, a hug, an arm round the shoulder - without this being seen as an invitation to sex. That is very distancing. In our case it was compounded by the drugs he was taking for his PD, which are known to cause increased libido in some people. It became an obsession with him and some of the social niceties that surround a sexual relationship went out of the window from his side. I was under siege basically and had no peace from his advances. In addition, because of his illness, it was not possible to have a rational discussion with him and find some happy middle way, as would have happened had he been his former self. This was all a very difficult situation and I look back on it with much sadness. He was far from himself, and the challenge of dealing with this was enormous.

But hopefully, you are not faced with this extreme, so there is hope!

I really do think that the only way forward is for you both to set aside some time to talk about this together. Time when you are not locked in an advance/reject situation in bed. Hear his side of it; how it makes him feel when he is "rejected"; how much he understands about your side of the equation; what exactly he is asking for; whether he is able to sustain affectionate gestures from you without assuming it is a "come-on"; whether a snuggle-up in bed equates with sex for him; or can he do this without wanting more; what he might see as solutions. Then he needs to listen to you and to understand how it all makes you feel, and what exactly you do want (rather than simply do not want).

So, a starting point would be to think very hard about what you do want from him in terms of physical affection; and what exactly you feel able to give.

You need to finish up in a situation where your OH does not feel a constant sense of frustration and rejection; but where you do not feel you are being asked to do something you do not want to do at any given moment.

You need to think about about what you are able or willing to do that might relieve his frustration, and satisfy both your needs for your close relationship to continue on all fronts.

He needs to be honest - "It would help me if you could do X"; and you need to be honest about what you feel able to do.

I really do feel for you - it is so very hard when, in the context of a loving relationship with decades of shared memories and achievements, there comes a moment when things get out of kilter through no fault or either person.

You might be able to agree a period when sex is off the cards, but physical affection is not. This will give you a breathing space to gradually move towards a solution. The solution does absolutely not need to be about you "giving in" and finding yourself doing something that you do not wish to do - and I am sure he would not want this either.

There will be a way forward I am sure; but the most important thing is not to le this pull you both apart; to listen to each other with a true willingness to understand; and to totally avoid any "blame language."

You do not need counselling or medical treatments - you need communication and a willingness to try and look at this in the same way as all the other problems that you will have had to solve during your marriage. A joint approach with respect on either side.

I truly wish you lots of good luck with this shared challenge and hope you find the solution that is right for you both.

Good post Luckygirl

My thoughts exactly Lucca.
And Pollyj,if you don`t want to have sex you shouldn`t feel you have to,it`s your body,but maybe IF yoo do you may actually enjoy it and get your mojo back.

I do think that it is difficult to be a man sometimes - just expressing disappointment that the sexual relationship you previously had has dwindled is labelled as manipulative, coercive or abusive - have a peep at Mumsnet!

But some sort of open communication is what is needed.

I do hope that there will be a way forward for you OP.

Pollyj

I feel bad posting this but don’t use my real name so no one would know who I am. Thing is, my OH and I are having increasing problems because he wants ‘relations’ to continue and I have simply lost all desire to do so. He isn’t speaking this a.m. because of another misunderstanding, but what do you do when you have lost all desire? Should I force myself? It feels like being violated and I am getting really resentful that I should have to literally force myself to perform whether or not I want to. I love my OH a lot, it isn’t that, and I did try for a long time to put him first, not be ‘selfish’ as one friend said, but it’s beginning to be a real problem. Anyone who hasn’t lost their desire can’t see the problem ‘just relax and you’ll enjoy it’ ‘oh come on, it can’t be that bad’ etc. But it is. IS it right I should have to feel this pressure to perform? Counselling is a no. Not ever going to happen. I just wish the problem would go away. Anyone else understand and have had to deal with this?

do you need to delve into yourself, understand what is passing, what is annoying or what is missing, at what point did such a bad feeling appear? go back to this point and fix it. we are our own best psychologists!

I think coolgran has the right idea. Give and take is what marriage is all about!

I've been on both sides of this. I can say, without a shred of doubt in my mind, that your husband has the better deal. While I missed sex when I was in a relationship with none, it wasn't a deal breaker. It is a LOT harder to let your body be violated (and that is what it feels like to me) when I have forced myself against my own will.

I haven't got a clue what you do. Sorry to be unhelpful, but I can't give advice when I genuinely don't know what is for the best.

?

I agree - it is hard to describe the act of having sex when it is not wanted as anything other than violation, even if it is a conscious choice to please someone.

It is a minefield, and one that is faced by many, as the balance of libido between both partners fluctuates.

I am sorry that agreeing to sex with one's spouse is viewed as violation. Surely that is when it against your will, rather than reluctant.
But on the positive side, it shows that you are loved and attractive.

The problem with being reluctant is that you may not relax, which will make it painful.
Talk things through, at a neutral time, voice your worries, as well as your wildest fanatsies. Let your imaginations run riot!
You may surprise each other!
May be you can "bargain"? "I'll do this, if you will do that, or let me do that".
You may well find ways that bring you both pleasure, without feeling used. You both have hands, so use them, and plenty of lubrication.
The dance of the seven veils might be a good starting point for alternative methods.
Seek to find places, times, and things, that you would both like to try. Do not rush things, but travel slowly to arrive at a mutually pleasing destination. Hopefully, you will both reach a point where you can both satisfy each other, without feeling used or sore.
The brain is a most powerful sexual organ

After 60 yrs plus of activity, there are only so many variations to a theme, a bit like cooking a favourite meal, one can add a bit of spice to it, but it requires a bit of an effort, so one eventually settles for a quick snack of cheese & biscuits, a bit of a nibble better than a full blown meal or starvation.?

Puzzled, that is a bit patronising. You are talking to people who have been sexually active in their relationships for 40 plus years.

It seems you have no understanding of the physiological causes of a loss of libido so please do not preach claptrap like the 'dance of the 7 veils' to a bunch of older women.

Gagajo.
You are obviously unaware that we have been happily and actively married for over 56 years. So we have experience of the loss of libido, and how to cope, and to come to terms, with it,
As a result, we probably know a thing or two more than some younger women.
We are all different, mentally and physically.
So if there is a problem, any idea might provide a partial or complete solution.
It helps to talk. When we had a problem, another family member provided a solution.

Sorry to get involved in a needless argument but what suits one does not always suit another.

Pollyj - try not to take offence! You did ask for opinion & advice. On here you get a variety of opinions. I’ve posted before and haven’t always liked the responses. Does help to read though- can clarify your own feelings eventually.
You shouldn’t feel pushed into sex. Libido does seem to diminish after menopause- several friends have said the same ( especially if with same partner of many years). Guess the excitement has diminished or the need to impress. Replaced with a long standing love and to care for each other’s needs. And why not get close physically .....occasionally. Yes, you will to talk about how often...not exactly appointments but dates? lubrication important for ladies, ( gents enjoy ) & to be in the right mood. No distractions or pets or grandchildren near! A hotel night away, or nice meal or night out ( not cooked by you) helps to make romance. Maybe suggest to other half when he starts pestering. Tell him you’re not in the mood & how he can rectify this!

An honest and thoughtful post from MereMale upthread.

Lots of good advice on here. Good luck.

Our libidos have been mismatched for years and even more so post-menopause. What worked was to agree on frequency and timing. We agreed twice a week on certain days which was better for him than my once a fortnight, and better for me than his desired every night! It stopped him being a sex pest and we could be cuddly without me holding him back. It may sound staged but it gave us both a lot of freedom.

A lot of people don’t want sex later on in life so why should this be perceived as wrong or weird or told to go for counselling or medical help? To me, it’s natural for all sorts of reasons. I remember my mum telling me how my dad “didn’t ‘trouble’ her anymore...” and my mother in law said the same about her husband. It was seen as natural and acceptable.

I do understand though if the husband isn’t in agreement! So look for that compromise. I’m assuming you use a vaginal gel?

Did you enjoy sex in the past OP?
We read so often on here of women who “would prefer a cup of tea” to having intercourse. I believe they simply have not experienced a fulfilling sex life with their partner or they wouldn’t want to give up such an important part of being a woman.
Did your husband regularly cause you to orgasm? Was he an attentive lover and were you equally considerate to him?

Oooo no Esspee. Wrong. I was rampant 10 years ago. I had an incredibly passionate relationship. I could go into detail but this is GN, not MN. Suffice it to say, my partner was far more than able to 'cause me to orgasm' (quite a vanilla expression). Despite that, I'm not interested anymore.

I'm ok with that tho. A strong libido controls you. I am at times glad to be rid of it.