I’m ashamed of my son’s behaviour

Without knowing the ins and outs it’s very difficult to have an opinion.
Only one I would take, regardless, is what a dreadful thing to do to a 6 year old boy.
I would help as much as I realistically could, for his sake alone.

Red I’m very sorry you have all this to face.
But I agree with Jane10, you need to hear your son’s side of things before jumping to conclusions or rushing to judgement.
If you phoned him or emailed him, and simply said ‘I’ve heard from X that you're not coming after all, is that right?’ and waited for an answer before commenting, he would have no reason to be nasty or abusive in response. You might even find he confides in you and you could be a support to both of them.
You do have my sympathy

Hard to do but I'd do as LuckyoldBeethoven suggests and sit on your hands for a while and let the dust settle. If you step in too quickly, and things blow over or your son steps up to the mark, you run the risk of interfering. Think it's a waiting game for a little while hard as that is to do sometimes.

STAND WELL BACK and stay out of it. As others have said, you don't know what's going on behind the scenes. Giving them money may just make things worse (it will look as though you're taking sides, and a lack of money may force them into resolving the situation more quickly). They could be okay in a few weeks but anything you've said or done, in the meantime, will be remembered far into the future ...

You have no moral obligation to support your son, his wife, or their son.

Any financial help you want to give them is another matter, but if I were you, I would keep my purse tightly closed right now.

If your daughter-in-law has confided in you, by all means continue to be in touch with her. Tell her, as you have said here that you do not know what is going on in your son's head right now, but his behaviour is making you feel ashamed.

She needs to demand a straight answer as to whether your son wants her to move back to him in the UK, or not. It is her marriage and she needs to decide whether she will continue it or not.

I am sorry you are so worried, I would be too, but your son and his wife are adults and need to sort this out themselves.

The child has as always when parents disagree no say in the matter, but there is nothing you can do about that right now.

I feel for you Red, as I am struggling with my own daughter, who is high achieving. Will look up the disorder. I also feel the GC is the main priority in all this. I know you will be there for the child. The DIL will find her feet, but having moved she prob hasnt the contacts for work and earning a wage yet. It will all pan out in the end

Why has your son made this decision? Has he actually given any reasons?

Not your call. If you feel financial hardship may be experienced you could always offer some assistance based on helping your GS.

I really feel for you. One person here recommended taking your rose coloured spectacles off. I would agree with that. In the end reality is best.

Look after yourself.

I see you're all not in uk so its hard for us who are to give much advice, we don't know what help or support there is in your country, especially financially- or the laws, regarding breakdown of partnerships etc.But i would suggest first and foremost she sees a lawyer to ascertain how she stands on getting your son to support his son financially- and also about how she stands legally as regards to this lease she's in effect been coerced into signing for- believing she was going to do so as a 'representative' of your son.If she can get out of this lease early could they either- return to uk and so get more help financially and legally that she will need, or stake a claim on their old home(is your son still living there?or what?)or if she wants to stay where they have moved to is there any help she can get? Or a job she could take? She really needs legal advice first& foremost.Perhaps it would best you pay for that for her if you can afford to, rather than towards her rent- then she can take it from there.Also another idea would be to move in with you, if you have the room, providing she can get out of the lease she signed, would that be an option? Or does she have any other family either there or in UK?Either way i think she must see a lawyer anyway as she's been coerced into all of this- if it was me i would tell my son my opinion of him & what hes done, regardless of if he sent me 'vile insults' back.(in fact id send him a few in first place& see how he likes it) I think you may have 'allowed' him to get away with a lot in the past & so he feels 'entitled' to be this way.Maybe his partner has too? He seems spoiled.He has calculated all this i doubt its a last minute thing.She definately needs legal advice first.

It does strike me that moving a business from the UK to another EU country at the moment might be a bit of a nightmare. Perhaps your son was carried away by the whole idea and only really appreciated how difficult things would be when the crunch came. None of us know what goes on in or children's relationships or even sometimes in their lives. You shouldn't feel responsible. Nor I think should you interfere. If you can easily help financially then that would be kind, but you impoverishing yourself won't help. I hope things get resolved and you get some peace of mind. It is extraordinary isn't it that our grown up children can cause more upset than they ever did when they were little? Good luck!

What a dreadful situation. I am so sorry. I do not think you are responsible for your son’s actions though I can understand that you feel ashamed of what he seems to be doing. A sympathetic ear will be helpful to your daughter in law in these circumstances. I am sure she is distraught whatever the rights and wrongs between them. You are not empowered to sort out this mess unfortunately and shouldn’t try to take that on in your mind or feel you can or ought to sort out something that you actually can’t. I think taking a little time to see how things develop as some people have suggested is good advice. If your son is likely to be abusive if you confront him, I think it’s OK to avoid that, in the meantime anyway. Financial help may seem like something you can practically do but I wouldn’t leap into anything without a lot of thought unless it’s a little emergency funding. Take care of yourself too. Self soothing is always helpful. You are also distressed and in shock. Also feeling angry. Which is an exhausting emotion. If you son does have atypical personality traits that could help you understand and perhaps cope better with how he behaves. I think by the age of eighty we need to take things as easy as we can. Things will come to pass one way or another. Good luck and my blessings.

I would be inclined to remain supportive of both parties initially. Not financially though. What country are you in? Have you heard his side of the story? Is his business in trouble? Why has he changed his mind? There may be a genuine reason and he is still your son. In the longer term I would stick with giving generous birthday/Christmas gifts to your grandson.

Just be a listening ear to both sides. Trying not to appear to take sides as it could all go horribly wrong.

Gosb. My first instincts would be to remind you you are 80 and your self care is paramount.
I would be honest and say i am so sorry your in this situation but there is not much you can do as you are a pensioner.
Then have a nice glass of red and write down what is within your capabilities.
She will be able to claim benefits and will have parents.
A big note to say out loud is

This is not my fault xx

I think OP needs to find out what the abandoned family wishes to do once they have recovered a bit from the obvious shock. If they wish to return to UK and to the home they left, which sounds like that may be in their best interests as at least state schooling will be free, employment might be easier to find, and/ or access to housing benefits if the home is not available, then try to assist if possible.
I don't think you should get over - involved with your son or for finding solutions, but your son ought to be able to provide you with an explanation and to say what he intends to do by way of support for his child. His partner, if they are not married, isn't not entitled to support for herself, but hopefully will be able to contact child support agency for a child maintenance sum if adult son does not make suitable arrangements voluntarily.

It does sound like behaviour typical of some men - running away from the responsibility of a very difficult conversation with his wife. But you say you're nearly 80 so look after yourself first. Offer to have your GS while they sort out practicalities, if you're up to that, and let them both talk to you if they want to. In the end, you can't influence their decision as to what happens next. If you feel money will help along the line, when their decisions are made, do it then. So sorry for your worry.

I would want to support my grandchild as a higher priority than my adult son, so staying out of it wouldn’t work for me. I’d be contacting my son initially to ask what’s going on and to see if it’s just cold feet or something bigger, such as an affair. I certainly wouldn’t condone letting his child down that easily.

@luckyoldbeethoven
If you genuinely felt upset by Bibbity’s perfectly reasonable comment disagreeing with your suggestion, then maybe online chat forums aren’t for you?

In real life, if someone disagrees with you, how do you deal with it?

Are you able to accept that the same set of facts can be viewed quite differently according to the individual’s perspective and that it does not mean they don’t respect your opinions too?

I agree with the majority of opinions here. Take a step back and leave your son to sort himself out with his partner. There comes a time in every parents' life when you have to accept that your offspring might do or say things you do not approve of, but they are who they are and you cannot change the person they have become. If they ask for help or advice that is a different scenario. Even then they might not take it. Leave him be and just be there if he needs you. Interfering, in my experience, can lead to heartache.

I would get in touch with him just to hear his side of things and why would he insult you?

I would call your son and ask him if he is ok and is there anything you can do to help. I would be concerned about him. I would then have 2 sides of what is going on not just 1 side. Ask if he has a long term plan. I think there is much more to this than you know about. You may not be happy with whatever this mess is but you need to offer emotional support to them all as they are all your family. Not the DIL over the sin though. He is your son. If he us unhappy or has made poor judgements then help him through those. Be there for him. Not against him. We all make a mess of our lives from time to time. Remind him to stand by his own son. Make sure the little boy knows that his Dad lives him and is financially provided for. Your grandson needs both his parents emotionally and you should do whatever you can to enable that. Only provide financially if your son cannot eg if his business has failed.

Sorry I made some typos: lives rather than lives. Son rather than sin

Craicon as I thought I made clear in my reply before, it was the strength of language I objected to, not disagreeing. In face to face situations I listen carefully and try not to respond with kneejerk condemnation. I find that the best way of keeping the debate open.

I prefer not to lecture people which is obviously your way but do go ahead, this is obviously what foruns are for after all.

It was mentioned he had a company so am assuming he may be reasonably solven money wise. If they are married she will be entitled to support, if not their child certainly will no matter where she lives. To let her take a lease out was unbelievably u kind if he absolutely knew he was never coming.

"... high achieving borderline personality disorder ... He demonstrates a lot of the symptoms. It would explain a lot and makes me less angry."

Why does it make you less angry?

With or without BPD, you are not responsible for his behaviour. With or without BPD, he's still done what he's done. With or without BPD, his treatment of his wife and child is still appalling.

"I dare not email him as if I interfere (similar things have happened in the past) he responds with a whole load of vile insults. I’m nearly 80 and cannot cope with this situation. Any suggestions please?"
What do you mean by 'interfere'? Is that what he tells you you're doing if you ask any questions? And the past - are you talking about him acting maliciously before, or something else? It sounds as if he regularly puts you through the mill.

There is really nothing you can do about this situation anyway, except offer emotional support to your daughter-in-law and your grandson.

And personally, I would be quietly changing my will, so that my grandson would inherit and not my son. I wouldn't bother telling my son since it seems that would just invite vileness; but I would want to ensure that my grandchild benefitted and I would no longer trust my son to see to that.