I’m ashamed of my son’s behaviour

Whatever his reason, the way that he has treated his partner and child is very cruel. If he wanted to back out, he should have done it before she moved, rather than putting her and the little boy in this situation.

The fact that he is vile to you, his mum, if you challenge him is another black mark against him.

It would probably be wise for you to keep out of it, as much as possible. Difficult, though. Obviously you love your grandson and worry about his wellbeing. There's also the fact that most of us still feel responsible for our children's behaviour, even when they are adults and must take responsibility for themselves.

Yes you're right. When my ex left me with two babies and no money (thirty years ago), my mother-in-law gave me £10k to buy a flat and set me back on my feet. We never discussed her son's behaviour but I was always grateful for her generosity!

I'd do whatever was best for my grandchildren. Your son doesn't sound like a loving or loyal son, husband OR father. Put the children first. Help them out if necessary. Not their fault.

Well Reddevil3 how would you normally deal with a coward if he were not your son? Personally, I would support DIL and GS as much as possible while remaining aloof from delightful son. I say the latter since not only has he behaved disgracefully in abandoning his wife and son, he is also known to have thrown insults at his mother in the past. Were he my son, I would consider him beyond the pale until he finds the guts to be a man.

I agree wholeheartedly with GagaJo, the GC's needs take priority over anyone/anything else.

Families eh?! I would withdraw from the situation totally, why? its their lives, as you said in the past you helped,where did it get you? You are 80 its about time you had some peace? I had difficulties with DIL not from me, from her ,turns out she has a mental health problem,as i thought ,does it excuse bad behaviour? depends on the severity of the m/h problem.
but unless it is a severe condition ,i would say no.
When behaviour is so close to us we often don't see the wood for the trees.hope you find some resolution.

Crikey Red unless your son is having a genuine breakdown of sorts I think his behaviour is inexcusable.

I’m unclear from your OP who is where. Has you son stayed in the UK while his wife and child have set up home in another country with the expectation that he would join them there? Are you in the UK? In the same country as your DiL or elsewhere?

I may be wrong in this but if your son is still in the UK I think his wife can contact the CMS (formerly the CSA) to get child support payments from your son. If she can I suggest that she does this immediately. It may mean that she doesn’t need extra money from you.

If you can keep your DiL on-side you would be more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with your grandchild.

I’m so sorry. If this was your son’s plan all along then frankly, his behaviour has been awful. In which case don’t cut him off entirely but keep a good distance, for your own sake.

Perhaps the son has mental health issues. I would support Dil and grandson but not financially, they need to sort that out as a couple. You can't support them financially for ever it needs sorting now, by them.

I would sit back, enjoy your DIL and GS and let them sort it out themselves. Try not to worry about it, (easier said than done I know).

My ex-husband moved me and our daughter (then aged 8) to the other side of the world. Then he dumped us for another woman. I had a nightmare trying to get home and it cost me every penny I had. His mother never supported us in any way, financially or emotionally. We were put through hell, with no-one to back us up. I think you should tell your shit of a son to grow up and face up to his responsibilities. I hated my MIL until she died a couple of years ago. Even if her precious son hated me, then he should have helped his daughter. I was glad the nasty old bitch died a few years ago. Would you like your grandchild’s mum to think that about you? Tell him you are not putting him in your will and everything will go to your grandchild. I hate all that bollocks about mental issues. It’s bullshit. Sick of hearing it about people who are just using it as a smokescreen. Tell him he won’t get a brass razoo from you if he doesn’t take care of his partner and his child. Bullying twat. Good luck.

Truddles, for you. I hope that life has been kinder to you in recent years.

Reddevil3, at 'nearly 80' your job as a parent is well and truly over and in the past.

It's not up to you to sort out their difficulties - beyond offering sympathy and moral support to his partner.

Thank you for telling us your experiences from the other side of the coin Truddles. As you say, marriages do break down for all sorts of reasons, that's life unfortunately; but the children from that marriage are blameless and their needs are paramount and should be everyone's first consideration.

What a difficult situation for you. I would certainly try to contact your son. Although it may not be easy, tell him you love him and want him, his wife and your GC to be safe and have a good future whether they're together or apart. Without more information, it will be hard for you to know whether he has planned this to be with another woman or is really struggling with his mental health (even considering they may be better off without him and contemplating suicide). If he won't talk to you, is there another relative, friend or colleague he would talk to? Absolutely give your DiL and GS as much emotional support and reassurance as you can. I don't think making an offer of taking on long-term financial responsibility for them is the way forward but, if you're able to, then short-term help with essentials or money for travel back to UK might be the right thing to do. You don't say whether DiL has other family in UK or where they are now. As others have said, you need to look after yourself too. I hope things get resolved and that your GS in particular knows he is loved and has a secure future in all of this.

I think the OP is just showing some humanity in wanting to help the two people who have been damaged by her son's behaviour. If I were in such a situation, I too would want to help.

In my view, it's not a case of interfering in her son's marriage. I agree it's a mess - and that it's not Reddevil's mess -but I think it is quite natural to want to help. If people only helped when they felt directly responsible for another's suffering, I think that would be a very sad thing.

GrannieAnnie and Chewbacca, thank you for your kind words! Sorry, I swear a lot when I hear about such situations. Yes, GrannieAnnie, I eventually got back to the U.K. and went back to university, got myself a first class degree, started a very demanding and satisfying new career, and raised a gem of a daughter. And with no help from that utter pig I married. X