DiL wants a divorce I’m devastated

We are only seeing one side of the situation but it does sound dire.
Presumably things were not like this until recently or why did he marry this woman and go on to have three children in quick succession. It sounds highly irresponsible and Granb3 your son must take some responsibility for this situation. There are 3 adults at home during the day and 3 children but your son works full time and then comes home to clean ? He really is , I am sorry to say a mug. I am sure the adults get benefits but your son is otherwise keeping the home ticking over. Nothing you can do but hope that he sorts out this situation and plans for himself and his children.

so sorry it sounds a real mess for your son and it affects so many others.Saying he feels suicidal is a real red flag ,i would suggest he gets some help off someone,maybe see his GP? feeling trapped is not a good situation to be in ,i would keep in touch with him as much as possible,gently suggest he reaches out to others too.

Blimey, to think my GD had all her children removed because of a lapse in her mental state after the loss of her partner and made to look a criminal when all she wanted was support and help.
There'd be no stopping social services if they knocked on that door, they'd have a field day ! It makes me so vexed.

I'd get out of that lot if I was your son and see a solicitor as soon as he can.

Your son needs to go for joint custody I’m sure he will get that especially when there are drug users in the house . I’m sure you’ll still get access because she’s going to need all the help she can get .it sounds like he’s betoff out of there .

quizqueen

Why would your son choose to produce 3 young children in quick concession with a woman who has brought up her 2 older children to be lazy, a drug addict, disrespectful and a criminal. Did he really think it was going to end well! Very poor judgement on his part and now his mess to sort out.

Not really helpful, is it?

Only they can sort it out, so, as said before, your job is to be supportive and non- judgmental.Hopefully he will take proper legal advice, and she will be willing to discuss things ( especially after having dealt with all five on her own)

Sorry but sounds like he's better off without her and her dope smoking son!

Why doesn't he take his kids and leave her. Find himself and the children somewhere else to live. He can divorce her get custody of children and she will have to pay him maintenance (if she works). He can claim benefit. He has evidence of mental abuse and the courts will not look kindly on children living with someone who smokes weed. He will also be entitled to benefits such as child allowance. And children will be able to access free nursery places.

The best way for him and you to have access to the children is to keep things as friendly and amicable as possible. I too think he is better off without this woman but love is love and not easily broken as well as easily turning to anger.

If they don't both stay friendly then it's likely to go the court route and that can take years even without a pandemic. So him staying friendly now makes that at least less likely on his side. If she is emotionally abusive, it may not stay friendly on hers but if wanting a divorce is her idea, there's hope.

Its awful when this happens and I understand how upset and worried you must be. The children often end up treated like assets in a divorce with mud slinging and stress for everyone.

That's the only advice I have really, help him get to a point where he can be reasonable and friendly and parent together without being together as soon as possible for the benefit of him, you and especially his children.

Surely the best thing for him would be to get out and leave? Then they will all have to support themselves and stop relying on him. He gets back his self respect as well. She will no doubt need help with the 3 babies and will need you for childcare. Try to stay newtral and don't criticise her.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, he seems to be a decent man, I feel actually sorry for the three young children under five living with a weed smoker and the other one being investigated by the police! What a mess! It seems looking from the outside in that he’s being used as a meal ticket providing for them all, I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but did he not think that this was not ideal to bring children into

Please don’t encourage him to seek mental health help as was suggested upthread (unless he very much needs it which it doesn’t sound as if he does) Because trying to get custody or even part custody will be harder than ever if he is deemed to have mental health problems granB3 just said he was very unhappy nothing to suggest he has mental health problems

So sorry for your son,he needs to get out asap,
My son put up with this abuse for 13 years, and whenever he tried to see the children she called the police,even though she had agreed to it,
In the end the police told her to stop wasting their time,he had never laid a finger on her,but often came to my house covered in blood where she had scratched his face
He has 2 sons who now don't bother with her, but see their father regularly

3 little ones breathing in fumes from weed? Perhaps both adults need to reconsider their parenting styles. Teenagers are not particularly looking for their parents to be friends, They need parents to be parents with boundaries to keep them safe. This disturbed weed-smoking boy needs help and may not be safe around small children. Weed leads to psychotic episodes.

If this sorry tale were retold as the poster having a daughter in such a situation, rather than a son, I think it would be clearer that this is a complex domestic abuse situation. Going out to work all day then being expected, not only to provide financially but also do domestic chores and look after the children whilst the two adult sons are sitting around smoking. They sound very entitled and they clearly have emotional power over their mother who is frightened of falling out with them. (I would guess that they’re bullies). He should seek advice from a local domestic abuse organisation and a family lawyer as he could be eligible for legal aid for a divorce and the children issues on account of the financial and emotional abuse he is experiencing. He is actually being exploited and abused by three people, not one, and it would be taken seriously. He needs to tell a professional how he is also being belittled in his own home, maybe see his GP in the first instance.

Your son must leave, even if he loves his wife, she either doesn't love him or at least if she does, she doesn't respect or appreciate him. If he was my son I would be advising to see a solicitor and to start the divorce. He only has one live, as do we all, to be that unhappy that he wants to commit suicide, is the reason he needs to cut his losses and leave. The divorce lawyer should make sure he has regular access to the children, and therefore you as well.

I had an absolute witch of a mother-in-law. She and my father-in-law tried to get my husband to divorce me when we had only been married three years and I was pregnant with my first child! Ever since, I have made it a rule never, ever, to interfere or get involved in my children's relationships. They know I am there all the time to support them and their partners if they need, but I will never, ever, criticise or judge. It's none of my business. This situation is deeply dysfunctional and sadly it seems there is no easy solution, but it is up to your son and daughter-in-law to work it out for themselves. I would counsel against resorting to solicitors unless desperate, as they only tend to make bad solutions worse by pitting one party against the other. I say this as a former (ie retired) Family Court magistrate. If the dispute did end up in court, it is most likely the mother would end up with custody of the little children and the father have regular access. What happens with the older children is irrelevant, as they are not the son's responsibility. I do have to say I wonder how someone can say they 'love' someone else when they feel they are treated so badly by them. That's not love.

Three under 5s and 4 adults in one household would test anyone’s relationship. The adults are responsible for their own decisions but, like you, it’s your GCs I feel sorry for. It won’t be good for their father to leave, he sounds a relatively stable influence in their young lives.
There’s no easy solution but if the adult children could be persuaded to branch out on their own your son’s marriage might stand a chance. Are you sure your DiL doesn’t want to save her marriage? Divorce surely isn’t in her interests either?
A sad situation all round, hope you find a way through.

He’s not smoking in the house but in the garden but still it drifts in. When they met the kids were in they’re teens and he’s been allowed no input in they’re raising apart from financially. He keeps saying he wishes he’d never got involved. She’s older than him and I think that was the start of his problems. We can all do better with hindsight and he wouldn’t have gone out with her if he’d been able to see it.

He very much is treated as a mug but nothing he tries seems to work. If he tries to talk she rows and he walks away. If he says he’s not prepared to pay for something they want he’s a bad father to her kids.

I haven’t said a word to her, I don’t think she even knows that we know they have problems. When I talk to him I try to remain balanced and fair and if he’s out if order I tell him straight. It’s so difficult he’s a good husband and a great father and he’s being abused. It’s heart breaking listening to him cry

Help him to get out of this relationship. Can he move in with you temporarily so he has somewhere to go (and you can look after him and have peace of mind that he is ok)?
He needs to get legal advice and get half custody of his children and there should be no reason why he can’t get this. This way he can bring up the children half the time and they can split the maintenance half and half.
How do you feel about child care and supporting him? Are you able to do this? It is a big thing for you to take on too but it sounds as though the small children could do with a different upbringing to the way the older children were brought up.
I wouldn’t worry about your DIL just your son. Does he have friends to talk to ? If not, he needs to be able to talk to you and your OH so everything can be put in perspective and he doesn’t end up feeling desperate and alone.

Sounds like your son would be better off out of the marriage.

i agree with Dylant above.
it sounds a complex abusive situation.
men are abused too.

It was foolhardy to have three children in quick succession with things bad between the other children and your son. The fact that she doesn’t appear to have thought that much about those children she had, should have had him running for the hills. You cannot get involved, but she could have him over a barrel for the next 18 years. 'She sounds a total nightmare, the sort you dread your son ending up with. I just wish you good luck.

Sounds like he married too quickly if he didn't have time to find out if he could get on the right wavelength with the adult kids. Courts will make sure he has access to his children and can stop the mother moving too far away to make it possible. In fact if he tells the authorities there are other adults abusing drugs in the house the kids are in, he could even get the younger ones living with him.