DiL wants a divorce I’m devastated

unfortunately the use of illegal drugs is so widespread that it would not in and of itself tip the balance in his favour re custody.
she could make it very difficult or impossible for him to see his children. probably why he is torn. apart from toxic attachment to her.
he really needs to take specialist advice.
and don't do or say anything intemperate. nor offer anything.

I think he needs legal advice quick, and should file for custody of his children. The house doesn’t sound fit for three young children. A visit to Citizens Advice is the way to go.

He needs legal advice and quickly. Could he move in with you? He needs to present himself as a viable alternative to leaving the 3 children with their mother - the fact that her older children are so badly behaved, one smokes drugs, and that she hasn't allowed any of the other fathers access, should give you son a good case - especially if he has your support. Those older children are not a good example of her parenting, nor a good situation for the younger children to be left with. Hopefully, your son can present himself as a hard working, sensible, responsible parent who can (with your help and others?) do a better job bringing up his children. Tell him not to despair - to come out fighting!

It’s perfectly usual for a woman to have children with a new partner, it happens all the time, maybe there was twins in the three
Adult children living in can be a real problem and likely did not become a problem until after they married. If the one son took drugs, her husband got fed up and called the son an “idle good for nothing junkie”, she defended the son and it all degenerated from there.

She probably married him because the sons needed a father.
Errant daughters can be just as much a problem to a step parents.

Involving the courts may cost money. In a comparable situation in our family 10 years ago it cost £1,000... and that was before the cuts in Legal Aid. Advice from Citizens' Advice Bureau would be a good start so you can act quickly if needs be. Alternatively some solicitors give free initial advice. You don't have to act on it.

its the other way round for me. After 15 years of an extremely happy marriage, getting debt under control and buying their dream house.
He had been a career soldier and recently retired from the force to enjoy a happy life.
They seemed to have it all and were blessed with a beautiful little girl, now aged 8.
Out of the blue my son found another woman and after only 3 weeks with the new one, he told my DIL he no longer wants to be married and is moving out to go live abroad with his new woman.
I really thought highly of my DIL and said she was the perfect wife to my son and for that reason alone I loved her.
This is still very raw as it just happened in the last week.
DIL devastated and I am heartbroken for her and my granddaughter who is a real daddy's girl and will be inconsolable.
He is my son and I love him but right now ''it takes a whole lot of love to hate him the way I do''.
I can't and won't interfere but I am so lonely and deeply sad.
It is so difficult to see it all unfold and to be unable to do anything but watch.

Your son needs to talk to a lawyer to know his rights.

My heart goes out to your son. His wife sounds like a controlling bully. Yes, he should see a good solicitor and get sound advice on how to proceed. A good relationship counsellor may help him to decide what his options are and what steps, if any, he wants to take.

Those who suggest residence will be removed from the mother because one of her adult children smokes cannabis in the garden, one is being investigated for something, we have no idea what, must have very little knowledge of family law.

I was just about to say that.

There's no indication that the son wants or expects custody. I also imagine that the adult children claim some sort of benefits as it's difficult to imagine so many people being maintained on a single delivery drivers salary. It does seem that this marriage is over but financially divorce is very expensive and your Dil is going to figure in all of your lives for the foreseeable future so it would be well to continue communication about contact and other practicalities. It's going to be difficult, but sadly not a unique situation.

Divorce need not cost a great deal although if property is involved it probably will, a couple can agree how to divide the marital assets and any maintenance without lawyers involved.
I hope the OPs son does not have property to his credit because it could cost a very large part of that and maintenance of 3 kids for many years.

As it should do.
No shirking, they are his responsibility to support.

We've only heard one side of the story. I do wonder what the DIL would say? We can't assume the son is blameless.

I'd forget the custody idea as men rarely get it, only in extreme circumstances.

Two I've known have. The first was suddenly abandoned by his wife. She left him with four young children, started a new life, never visited and showed no further interest.

The second had a wife who lived in a mental health institution, being a danger to herself and others.

Somebody in the house who smokes weed or has criminal convictions is not enough cause - very common in fact.

I made a big mistake when my daughter's (then) boyfriend demanded a 'break' being unsure of their relationship. She was inconsolable - and I called him all the names under the sun, told her to forget the loser etc.

Of course, they got back together after a few weeks, are now happily married with children - and he's still rather wary of me!

"He hasn’t cheated, been violent or committed any other act worthy of divorce"

There is no approved list of divorce worthy circumstances.

If a partner wants a divorce, that's enough.

roey1948

its the other way round for me. After 15 years of an extremely happy marriage, getting debt under control and buying their dream house.
He had been a career soldier and recently retired from the force to enjoy a happy life.
They seemed to have it all and were blessed with a beautiful little girl, now aged 8.
Out of the blue my son found another woman and after only 3 weeks with the new one, he told my DIL he no longer wants to be married and is moving out to go live abroad with his new woman.
I really thought highly of my DIL and said she was the perfect wife to my son and for that reason alone I loved her.
This is still very raw as it just happened in the last week.
DIL devastated and I am heartbroken for her and my granddaughter who is a real daddy's girl and will be inconsolable.
He is my son and I love him but right now ''it takes a whole lot of love to hate him the way I do''.
I can't and won't interfere but I am so lonely and deeply sad.
It is so difficult to see it all unfold and to be unable to do anything but watch.

So sorry to hear that, especially, as you say, you are unable to do anything but watch.
I can’t offer anything except to say my thoughts are with you, and just hope that everything works out.

You are taking everything he says at face value... big mistake
Your son took on a partner with a ready made family, for better or worse, does he really expect her to turf her children out ?
I think they both need counselling to find some middle ground without interference .
I feel sorry his wife she’s between a rock & a hard place with this
Also you aren’t helping him by letting him run out on his family & not facing his responsibilities. If they do reconcile this could damage your relationship

quizqueen

Why would your son choose to produce 3 young children in quick concession with a woman who has brought up her 2 older children to be lazy, a drug addict, disrespectful and a criminal. Did he really think it was going to end well! Very poor judgement on his part and now his mess to sort out.
Wow you’ve made a lot of assumptions! Firstly when they had the first child only 2 of her kids were living with them and they were rude and difficult but my son with no experience because he’s a lot younger than her though it was just typical teenage behaviour. He was trying to be a good step father but this meant putting his hand in his wallet and not expecting anything in return let alone providing boundaries or disabling. The police investigation has only just come to light because she withholds information from him all the time. The oldest of her children has been living away from home since they got married and has just returned.
As for the other two babies she refused to use contraception and he’s only human she’s also a coercive controller and bullies to get what she wants. None of us saw this absolute mess coming! Hindsight’s a wonderful thing and we can all do better with it.

"As for the other two babies she refused to use contraception and he’s only human"
All humans can use contraception themselves - condoms, for example.
Having a baby takes 2.

* he’s only human*

What an absolute idiot.
You mean like men who just can’t control themselves when a short skirt walks past?

He’s an adult. He has caused this situation. I bet there’s a lot more to this than he is choosing to disclose. Stay out of it.

And FYI. There’s no such thing as custody in the UK. It’s residency.

Oh dear..so hard when our AC have complications that we would like to sort out for them.
All we can do a parents is offer support: emotional and practical.... but not advice! It is very hard.

Legal advice from a specialist family mediation lawyer would be good for your son. There is usually 30 minute free appointments available. If you are in a position to do so you could offer to help towards the cost of futher legal advice. I would advise your son to request and attend mediation sessions to try to get regular access to his children. Children have a right to both parents.

I have a DD and 2 DGCs living in the same house as her ex-partner/their father though they are no longer a couple. Financially it suits them both and fortunately there is enough space in the home for them to live parallel lives. It has maintained some stability for the children but I worry about my DD who works hard, does all the child arrangements etc. and has no time, or money, for a life for herself. I am sure there is friction but less than when they were trying to maintain a relationship. Not what I would choose but I am not her.

Apart from the inability of being able to control themselves, they are also unaware of the most basic biology facts - how babies are made. (Sarcastic mode on)

Men can get away with murder in this world

I have no idea about family law, having never experienced divorce or the such. I do know it sounds a very unhealthy environment for young children, and am not surprised Granb3 is so worried. It is lovely when you can look back and realise what you should have done, but not helpful. I’m sure there’s been mistakes all round, but those small children shouldn’t have to pay for them. They need to come first and be protected at all cost, and if that means applying for custody, residence, or just bedding down for the night...whatever you want to call it, even if it’s just temporary, that’s maybe what’s needed until you can get proper legal advice.

As for the other two babies she refused to use contraception and he’s only human

No.

He is responsible for not using contraception or abstaining. You can’t blame that on her.

Hithere

Apart from the inability of being able to control themselves, they are also unaware of the most basic biology facts - how babies are made. (Sarcastic mode on)

Men can get away with murder in this world

And they do. Often. As we both know.

Dont get me started on them getting away with rape