So disappointed - what should I do now?

Get shut. Good riddance to really bad rubbish. He’s vile. You deserve a thousand times better. Yes it’s a disappointment, but just see it as that and walk (run) away.

Not likely to change now .Think long and hard. Can you see another day with this guy? Start making plans .

Extricate yourself NOW. Ask yourself why you are making wrong choices ( 2 abusive marriages and a very dodgy "partner".
Seek counselling.
Sent with sincerity, sympathy and concern for your welfare.

Definitely get out. But, also consider some counselling to explore why you choose such men. It looks like a pattern. Best wishes.

Jaq64, the tragedies in his life are so bad he must divert his attention any way he can. Sexualised activities is the way he chooses to divert his attention from the horrors. It is not about you it is about the damage he has sustained. Your self esteem is not at risk.

This is disappointing for you. He is going to need more sacrifices than perhaps you can tolerate.

Your post has reminded me of my poor Mum. When my Dad had to be hospitalised, she rushed to the hospital - and there was already a woman at his bedside. Do find someone who loves and treasures you, he can never be the person you need him to be.

The relationship has reached a point where you have to decide whether to continue (knowing what you now know).

Snooping into another's personal phone or computer info (or pockets) is never a good idea!

I feel sorry for you, discovering he is not the man you thought he was. Better to find out out now that he is sleazy and deceitful than to have wasted more time on this relationship. Perhaps you checked his phone because you had an idea that all was not well. Don't blame yourself for looking and best wishes for 2021!

Get rid......find a normal, less complicated partner! Good luck!

petra

jac64
You are a stranger to me, but I would say this to my dearest friend. Have you no pride? No self respect?
You don't need him. Time to put your big girl knickers on and kick this lowlife gobshite into touch.
No, it won't be easy but you'll survive and eventually you'll be a lot happier and hopefully meet someone who loves you more than his porn sites.

Absolutely 100% agree. Couldn't have said it any better..........RUN for the hills....

this man is a predator and you are being used. Because you are a kind loving person and you are seeking a companion he knows you are a soft touch and he has no respect for you whatsoever. He will take what he can before he moves on and he is researching for the next person all the time. so sorry he got you hooked. Do hope you can get off his hook and meet a kind normal friendly compassionate person.

This is not the best season to be doing this. But you must. All the best.

Jac64
I have not read all the replies but I would recommend
www.chumplady.com/
You will see on that site lots of people who have been blindsided by infidelity and lack of respect from the people they have trusted the most. You are of use to him doing the work of the wife appliance while he is free to pursue his fetishes. Is this relationship acceptable to you?

Run, run, run and don't stop until you get where you want to be.

I'm so sorry you have to cope with this now. You have coped before and you will manage to get through it. Best wishes my thoughts are with you.

So what kept him from having a relationship with his platonic friend? Does she know about you? Didn't she want to give him sex? Or does she? Do you know the answers to these questions? He got the best of both - or more - worlds, having you physically, and all other things virtually. He probably assumes you are thankful for his attention. What cheek!

Don't just settle because you don't want to be alone. Your worth more than that. Get out now and go and find someone worthy of you. Leopards don't change their spots!

Oh Pet, I'm so sorry, if I could wrap my arms round you I would. Sadly this man isn't YOUR man, he is a rat bag. Please drop him like a bad smell. It's really sad about his children who you have taken on physically and mentally, but you need to grasp distance between him and yourself. Holidays are a disappointment but n o t a tragedy.

I get the feeling t h at you share my problem of loving others instead of yourself. This man is hurting you, he can not and will never be trustable. You are worth so much more, and once you recover you will see this. I learnt the hard way that you need to kiss a l o ad of frogs before you find your prince

He is not worth another minute of your time. Take care of yourself xx

Run for the hills and don't look back .

Ditch him. He is not who you thought he was and he is playing on your sympathy.

I would end it with him and find someone who is honest and more deserving of your time .
He is a user never mind about holidays you have planned I have gone away on my own often and there are plenty of other people on their own of all ages .
Try to be strong I know it’s not easy but you can do it

This is an awful place to find yourself in but listen to your head and not your heart. The feelings that his actions evoke in you are the worst ever. I spent far too long trying to convince myself it would be ok, when my ex used to spend all night on his laptop and slope off for hours with no explanation, all the time making me feel like I had a problem. He had many issues that affected my life and mental health, please don’t let this man change the person you are because it will trust me. His unacceptable behaviour is exactly that unacceptable. Never mind the holiday or any other plans you may have, if you’re not happy that will not change, no matter where you are if your with him. Be brave take back your life and move on, sorry to ramble I wish you all the best.

My friend, of a certain age, has recently found out that her (now deceased) husband had a secret life whilst they were married. He even had another child that she'd never known about. She is beyond devastated. My point is: don't waste your life on 'players'. They're prime priority is themselves and that will never change. Not a great trait for a successful partnership. Like almost everyone else on here has said, kick the waste of space into touch and go get yourself a real man.

Sorry, that should be *their. ?

Your story sounds so familiar I’m sad to say.. I too was in the same position as you, but stupidly I moved in on the promise of the world for me and my 2 young sons. I was a cleaner, babysitter and eye candy on his arm( if) he took me out. My children suffered because I didn’t get out( even though I knew I should) in the meantime he had god knows what going on behind my back, countless open sites and yes we did split up but he wooed me back, knowing I loved him.. he was on loads of dating sites, some in different countries to women as young as 19 ... I wish with all my heart I’d have been stronger earlier.. it would have saved so much heartache for so many. Please please listen to the comments.. like my friends.. I thought how could he, the answer.. easily, as he “COULD” he won’t ever change. You’ll be in the wrong of course.....he won’t think for a minute he’s in the wrong... let go now. It will be hard, very hard, 4 years is a long time to give to someone, but if I can walk away after 10... you can too. You deserve so much better. And you will be happier, you can’t stay with someone you can’t trust, it will eat you alive, make you doubt yourself, and he’ll happily watch you suffer. You’ll lose “you”... I beg you, don’t let him do this to you. Get out now. Good luck my lovely. Let us know how you’re getting on.
We can’t all be wrong can we? ?