Arranged marriage and no chance to do anything

Sash

Just concentrate on eating and drinking a little bit, taking a shower, do the bare minimum, concentrate on your job.
Look at how you can get till tomorrow, not what is going to happen the rest of your life

Soon you will look at what you want next week, next month,,,,

You met the care free version of him, the one that didnt have his culture in the mix - sorry to say that was not the real one at all. That want the real him

You see how soon he flipped when his family came into the picture.

You may have idealized what you wanted this to be, what what it was

That wasn't the real him, not want

Hithere Hello, maybe. I think while living far from his parents he forgot that it’s so strict.
Don’t want to blame him. But it’s very painful now.
And I’m still watching some videos about Islam. Where it’s said that it’s so big sin to force kids to marry someone. But that still hundreds of people face this problem.
And read in comments how many people say they love someone, even for months trying to convince parents but they don’t care at all. Even after half a year they don’t change their mind
So many people cry every night and pray to God to help them because they love another person. I just can’t understand how it’s so unfair.
Some people then divorce even happily and with understanding. But their parents still say that how is it like that? That they should love the person they chose and after divorce just leave their child.
Feels like there is no love in that culture. Just fear... that someone will think something bad...

Hithere but I think that you are right that I should at least live now, today. I understand I don’t do anything now. This is my mistake... which maybe will stop me from moving on.

sash your boyfriend is not being forced into marriage. He has decided that he is happy to enter this marriage because his family and home society are even more important to him than you are.

You are not helping yourself by all this self-delusion. I know I sound heartless, but as I said up thread, I too have a relationship behind me that devastated me when it ended. the pain is almost unendurable and it goes on a long time, but deceiving yourself about why it ended is not helpful.

The decision your boyfriend made is made by many people in cross cultural relationships, many succeed but in some cases, one partner or another decides not to brook family disapproval, or when push comes to shove do not want to move to another country far from home. A friend of mine pulled out of marrying an American because she decided that she did not want to live in the US. It happens.

You have had a shock, you ache all over, physically and mentally and you have cried for hours. That out of the way, you must now find a way to live with your grief and pain and get on with your life. As many others have done before you.

Exactly, M0nica

This is like when a husband cheats and the other woman is blamed, while the husband is innocent of the betrayal

M0nica I understand that probably many people went through this pain. But as you know, it feels like my case is unique.
Idk what I should think. I realized that inside I still have hope that maybe something can be changed and I’ll be with him. But I know it’s not true and it’ll only make myself feel worse if I think about this.

Maybe you are right about him. But somehow I still try to see from his side. He was even crying when it’s all happening.
And the only way is he leaves his family forever. Which he doesn’t choose to do. But it is a difficult decision to leave your country and never go back.
Although possible but probably not many people can do this.
And I have nothing else to do with this. Only move on
I just don’t know how to start living again now. As I don’t want anything that I did just few days ago.

Sash

His tears don't mean anything.
His tears won't change that he picked his family over you

Plenty of people have left their upbringing and country.
I have - the pros were way longer than cons.

It takes time to remove yourself from the situation and see it from a more objective point of view

Ask yourself- he is being selfish and taking care of himself first, why don't you do the same?

Hithere Hopefully soon I’ll see it objectively. Now it’s so painful and shocking that I cannot do it.

And probably we are all selfish. He made his choice... that he cares more about his parents but can let me go.
But thinking bad about him, hurts too as I feel like I’m nothing then.

And as he said he can’t forgive himself if something happens to his parents if he leaves. And saying that his mom is crying already for a long time and wants him to be near , has depression and takes medicine. And afraid if everyone will leave her.

I don’t know if I should think that he’s bad. It’s probably difficult for him too..

And said that after marrying that girl, even now , he’s already dead inside. But still cannot risk. I really wish I could do something that he changes his mind.

No offense, I hear a lot of catastrophizing thoughts

"And as he said he can’t forgive himself if something happens to his parents if he leaves. And saying that his mom is crying already for a long time and wants him to be near , has depression and takes medicine. And afraid if everyone will leave her."
What a manipulative person and he is a mama's boy
Oh pleaseeeeee! Cry me a river
She would be just fine if he left, trust me.
He chooses to play her games.

Do you truly want a mil that use the waterworks when things dont go her way?

"And said that after marrying that girl, even now , he’s already dead inside. But still cannot risk"
So he is a zombie now?
I pity his poor future wife then, she wont get a husband that enjoys her company.

"I really wish I could do something that he changes his mind."
This is a very dangerous mentality on your side.
You cannot fix a bad situation on your own
You cannot control the actions of other people, only how you react to them.

Yes, I was telling him that she’s manipulating and gave him examples. And I think she wouldn’t die because of him. But he’s scared. And about me he’s fine. And I was thinking that it means mama’s boy. In our culture it would be shame. But there probably it happens more often
And when he was with me he didn’t look like that. I thought that ok he could be already independent and he has brain for that.
Even he understands now that his parents are playing with him in some way. He knows all this.

Yes. I think even that girl may not want to marry. It happens.

I know I cannot change something that depends not on me.

But if I just think he’s bad, so he never even loved me and I made so huge mistake that I had this relationship?

sash0301 You are too romantic. Real life is not a Hollywood movie.

From what I'm getting, he sounds highly manipulative and is playing on your empathic emotions. You need to feel anger, not sadness. Yes, feel sad that you have been hoodwinked and manipulated, but you need to be strong for yourself. Turn your anger at his selfishness outwards, not inwards.

Men like a challenge and you are much too accommodating and understanding...sorry to sound so callous.

He could probably see you were a nice, caring empathic girl. But what sort of person does what he is doing to someone he professes to 'love'?

I'm sorry, this is the way of the world and I know it's a hard lesson for you to process atm. In time you will see.

If he refuses the arranged marriage and comes back to you professing undying love, then I take back all my words.

Just look after yourself now, be as selfish as he has been.

Maybe I’m too romantic and just had illusions.
But I decided so because he always cared about me, supported and respected. And only when this happened when he tried to convince parents he just said that he can’t leave them, and fighting to marry me but live with them would be only worse for me. And this is probably true. So he can only leave them now.

May I ask if this is your first serious relationship?

Hithere Yes

Sorry your first experience is so negative

If somebody cares about you, supports you and respects you, they do not do this.

Oh dear, so you STILL hope to get him back?
No, stop it!
My dear, I feel for you, I really do but you must cut all contact now, and never, ever try to have anything to do with him ever again.
Imagine how it would be if he were suddenly to express undying love and leave his family and marry you - it would make you both miserable. He would resent any contact you had with your own family, at every little difference of opinion he would always remember how much he'd sacrificed for you, and believe me he'd use it to win all arguments (and you will have arguments, we all do).
Sorry, you must now begin to cut him from your life.
Pamper yourself, "you're worth it" as the advertisement says.

ExD Hello, I understand this. I can’t imagine anymore that it’s possible. I’m so tired of this, that I already don’t want it. And I even felt better and could talk with people about other things, smile etc. already felt like I was happy even because I can do it.
I just realized that maybe somewhere inside there is unconscious hope. Because I have nightmares every morning, this situation again where he’s saying that’s the end and I’m trying to tell him no listen to me, please etc, wake up with terrible mood, and want to check my phone and think maybe he texted something positive Although my brain knows that it’s the end.
And it’s weird now because I also had mood that I wanted to hug him, be closer, and it will never happen. And I can’t imagine that I can hold even hand of someone else. Even before him I couldn’t. And now I don’t like everyone even more and look at people and think that there is something wrong with everyone haha.

And thank you for your understanding. I hope that it’ll be already normal soon.

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this heartache. I am disappointed, but not too surprised, in your boyfriend that he created this situation as he would have already have known or had some idea at least of what his family,'s expectations of him would be and that would most likely have been for him to marry someone they knew - perhaps the daughter of friends.

It will be normal soon Sasha, it just takes a little while. It may be days or a week or two, but it will end. We have all been in your situation, so know that is true.
Its nearly a new year, 2021 we all hope it will be a better year. Make it your time to start afresh. All will be well.

Hi Sash,

My wife is a different religion to myself and it took courage and going against my family's for us to be together.

To understanding the Pakistani approach to this see Mimzy Vidz . Mimzy is from a Pakistani Heritage and her you tube video called Grooming gangs the truth. Half way through Mimzy covers arranged marriages in a good detail.

Here is the link. if it doesn't work then search Mimzy vidz on google.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=V47p_4_eTZk

Facts Mimzy provides:

With "55% of British Pakistani being married to their First Cousin whilst in Bradford its 75%" "80% of Pakistani couples having a child at least one parent originating from outside the UK"

You can see that arranged marriages are a big part of there way of life. Who a man is going to marry is discussed early in life, because its likely going to be their cousin, who is likely to be at family birthdays and other events. Your boyfriend was disingenuous not to have told you this from the start. He is selfish and heartless in my opinion.

Breaking up with some one is never easy. Just take it day at a time. I know you must be dis appointed and heart broken. Always look on the bright side.

Best regards George