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DIL seeking advice

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Lakelover89 Mon 11-Jan-21 17:50:26

Hello, I am a long time lurker first time poster. I am seeking advice for what to do about a husband/inlaw issue I have been having for a while now. Just thought maybe some of you grandparents could give me some insight on how to make this better. I have been with my husband for 5 years now and we recently welcomed our first child q little boy in late 2020. I will try to keep this concise and to the point. I can provide more details if needed.

The issue is, is I often feel left out and disrespected during visits with my MIL and FIL. Since I first met them 5 years ago they just don't seem to want me around despite me being polite, respectful and trying to get to know them. My inlaws go between ignoring me, making passive aggressive remarks, correcting/arguing with me about meaningless things and preaching to me and my husband about what we should be doing better. I now dread visits and I am beginning go resent my husband for allowing this to go on so long. On the outside his parents dont seem like rude or mean people, they have friends and are well educated but they come across as just plain mean at times. They never ask me about myself, dont listen to me if answer the question they ask during a visit (how are you?) And they change the subject if I try to participate in any conversations.

Before our son was born my husband was alot more receptive to how I felt. He would at least try to include me or stand up for me if he thought his parents were being rude. We also saw his parents a lot less which was way more manageable for me. Now we are back to seeing them weekly. If I complain to him he now defends them, he says that's the way they are we can't change it. He wants me to just be quiet and go along with it so our son can have a good relationship with them. I do admit they are good grandparents to their other grandkids. But the other part of me has some mama bear instincts where I want to shield my son from them. I worry he will learn these behaviours or he will begin to treat me this way during visits as well. I already feel like the inlaws have a little club with husband that I am not allowed to join. They already claim everything my son does is just like DH and he looks/acts nothing like me.

I am beyond frustrated about this. I feel like I try really hard to include them and make them feel wanted but I am met with nothing but disrespect. During a few of my special events (wedding, baby shower, etc) I included MIL in them and she put a sour note on each event by snapping on me in front of others like I was a toddler. Should I just grin and bear it like I've been doing for the sake of everyone getting along? Should I stand up to them myself to hopefully make it stop? Should I give my husband an ultimatum to get him to see it's a problem and he needs to fix it?

If you have made it this far thanks for listening. I could really use a friend right now.

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Lakelover89 Tue 02-Mar-21 12:50:16

Last thing I just read about the goal posts. My sister did that with my parents. Everything became a boundary stomp and her expectations of how they acted became way to high and unattainable. It became a situation of they couldn't cal her DD by a nickname or do xyz with my sis getting upset. This is not the case with DH and me. We have never done that with his parents and would never. We just want respect that's all. I am sorry DH is.upset but its healthy to recognize poor treatment and want better. Whether that poor treatment is from your parents, friends, coworkers or complete strangers. Anyway I am out. Thanks for you ladies time and help.

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Smileless2012 Tue 02-Mar-21 12:56:54

It's good that you've come back and given more clarity Lakelover.

It's often difficult to put across our thoughts and feelings clearly especially when it's such an emotive subject. As Nell posted, our own experiences can and does affect the way we interpret things. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when there's been a traumatic and upsetting event in our own lives.

Being estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 8 years, despite my best efforts not too, does affect my own objectivity at times, making me 'see' red flags that don't actually exist.

You're not wrong to want to be respected and feel included by people you see regularly, especially your p's.i.l. Those are things that all expect and rightly so.

I hope that the relationship with your p's.i.l. improves and if not, that you and your H will find ways to manage it as best you can.

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Madgran77 Tue 02-Mar-21 12:57:38

Thankyou for the explanation re the photos Lakelover, it is now clear to me what you meant. It does strike me that it is good that your ILs actually chose not to hold him ...having seen some astounding posts on here from posters who felt that they should be allowed to hold, kiss, cuddle grandchildren/nephews/nieces etc etc regardless of any Covid risks! On that particular point your ILs seem to be have been sensible and thoughtful so that is something for you to hold on to.

Thankyou for explaining the various queries raised too. Good luck as you move forward together on this one flowers

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daffi Wed 10-Mar-21 19:30:45

Hi. This is my first time here. My problem is almost the same, But I am the Gran, and she is the DIL, who acts like your MIL Right after the marriage, our DIL was cold and distant. All I could think, was that she pretended to be friendly. And I am so sad and disappointed.

Our Grandson was also born in 2020, and I would've liked to buy him something. But our DIL will not accept anything from us.

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Smileless2012 Thu 11-Mar-21 19:29:09

Hi daffi and welcome to GN.

I'm so sorry that your d.i.l. id behaving in this way. What if anything does your don have to say about this?

It's not the same I know but could you have a word with your son about opening a savings account for your GS. The money you would have spent on gifts could go into that instead.

Do you get to see him? I really hope that your son makes sure that this little boy gets to know and spend time with his GP's.

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