How can I move on?

Pinktulip I hope by reaching out here and gaining strength from the shared experiences and support that you'll realise you don't have to carry their shame for them. It's the weight of that shame that's affecting you and stopping you speaking about this elsewhere. You did nothing wrong, you only need to carry your own load, no one else's.

I do hope you're feeling a bit less adrift with this and that today will be a better day. x

Sounds like your husband is expecting you to do all the work repairing your relationship Pinktulip it's enough for him to just remain in the marriage

I agree with the above. Only you can decide what is best for you personally but please make your decision based on facts not on apparent "gaslighting"

Since posting, Pinktulip, I have read your additional posts, and I think you are the victim of a particularly predatory type of Other Woman.

One who seeks an affair purely for illicit excitement secure in the knowledge of a complaisant husband, enjoys playing games by texting advice about the husband and using the marital home for adultery, is everybody's friend dispensing cakes and sympathy, but exits swiftly when exposed, leaving a trail of disruption behind her.

She certainly duped your husband, which does not make his behaviour, past and present, any less despicable.

I read your post last night Pinktulip and the associated replies from GN members, and I hope that you have found support and strength from this thread. Initially, I thought that, with work, you would both be able to put your long marriage and relationship back together again, but then as I read on, and you told us that he had discussed your health with this OW, in your bed, while you were in hospital, I was beyond words. He is putting all the blame on you; it is your fault that you can't move on from his adultery/ it is your fault you can't trust him when he works away from home, it is your fault that your skin crawls as you sleep in your bed knowing he was in it with his mistress. This man has no thought for your mental health, for your state of mind, is making no efforts at all to mend the marriage. Please think seriously about getting your finances sorted, see a solicitor, and move on. You will never know a day's peace while you stay with him. He is the one who broke the marriage, not you. There are many on here who have been through similar situations, sadly, and they will hand hold and get you through this. He does not deserve you, your so called friend does not deserve you, and if you were to let it be known why you are divorcing him, who could blame you? Get onto a solicitor, don't mess about with the free half hour stuff, just get a good divorce lawyer, get your future secured, and then when you can, fly off to visit your daughter. Good luck

A word of caution Pinktulip if you do decide to visit your daughter in Australia when its possible do so ensure your finances are safe before you go. I wouldn't want you to come back and find you have suffered financially as well. Emotions are one thing but unfortunately we also need some financial security. Take care.

Glad your thinking more upbeat today as we have all been there.
Like I said before in my previous post our story is so similar right down to husband going on hols / her cake baking / and adult child in oz
Go girl go

Mary59nana i hope it’s not the same OW!

I know i was reading your post and I was thinking to myself omg same women.
I spent about 2years thinking about myself and how I must change my looks or try and make the perfect sponge just to show him im as good as her ...?crazy I know but its part of the hurt / grief we go through.
So back on the right and getting to like myself again and be the person I was but stronger and independent.

I’ve private message u

As others have said, get your ducks in a row. You are probably entitled to some of his pension but that needs a lawyer. Do you own your house? You are probably entitled to half of that as well. Quietly gather as much financial information as you can or salary slips, pension details, etc. Be careful that he doesn't take out loans without you knowing. When you are ready, contact a lawyer. Do not agree to go to that so called counsellor again. Read some of the posts on MN as they will help you. Tell him nothing as he will use it against you. This man is not your friend and if he suspects you intend to leave, then he will become even nastier. I would tell your daughter everything as her father might get there first and poison her. Show her this thread, if you can. You can and will have a decent life ahead of you. You don't need to make decisions about where you will live just now. ? For you.

You could regret going for , or you could regret not going for it. But if you do go for it you will experience many new experiences, so I guess I am trying to say don't base your decision on wither or not you may or may not have regrets.
Regard it as decision to do something that you feel is right for you to do at this moment in time . Then see where the road takes you, best wishes

Pinktulip you are going to divorce him aren't you? If you had been able to just put this gross betrayal to the back of your mind and moved on, as your selfish husband has, then you wouldn't have posed the question on here would you? We give your permission!! Get online, find a good divorce lawyer, and get your paperwork sorted.

Mary59nana so funny u said u tried to emulate OW. I actually stopped eating (OW tall and thin) and I kept stressing to DH how important and interesting my job is (OW was stay at home mum for many years and then just v boring job). All pathetic on my part. I felt like I had gone mad - which is what happens in aftermath of affair revelation. I just felt like my whole character and looks and way of being had been wiped out. I would not wish this on my worst enemy (except OW obvs!).
But you have all made me see there is light ahead.

I dont know yet if i’ll divorce. Its complicated because altho DH has plenty of cash he had no pensions. I have pensions I want to keep for me!
Maybe if we separate without divorce at first that would be best. Im going to think about it over lockdown.

Thank you Pinktulip for your reply to my post.
Yet again OW was a stay at home perfectionist and I a worker
More time on her hands to spoil the man and of course look in the mirror to try and perfect her looks lol ?
I have a very rewarding ending to my ex husband story which I will tell one day but its truly a amazing one

If he is cash rich but pension poor you will have to be very careful. Lots of photographs of bank statements. I can understand you are scared of taking an irrevocable step but he has not treated you well or with respect. You say you are worried about starting again but the alternative is staying in a very unhappy marriage. Only you can decide which is bearable. Good luck.

You sound like me, wish I could leave but I have no family like you. I have no money of my own so it’s very hard my husband says he will love her for evermore he shows no affection.
I must be mad staying I am 62 retired and stuck.
So I completely understand I feel for you his affair happened 22 years ago you will think I am mad but I will never forgive him. Do hope you are ok I feel for you let’s hope you can be happy again

EllanVannin is spot on.
And your`e never to old to make a fresh start,what a vile man,and what a sh..head of a woman.

Pinktulip, 'scared to be all alone' is not a good reason to continue a relationship, is it? You are still young and perfectly capable of changing your life for the better.

As always, a lot of good advice on here. Some of it quite drastic though. If you don't really know what you want to do and feel like you have to decide on the spot, then you don't have to. You've been put in this position out of the blue and have not been prepped for it. I think I'd be inclined to pack a suitcase and move out for a while (cheap hotel/ friends couch, etc). Realise that with covid this might be tricky. I'd read the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" too. (Think that's what it's called. When you're ready, you'll make the right decision for you. X

An update on my situation:
I feel a bit stronger and I decided to lie low, wait until lockdown over and really consider my options.

Meanwhile my husband is being quite attentive if a bit standoffish which i put down to guilt, awkwardness.

Today i happened to see on his phone that he had hidden OW identity by calling her email account another name. She had not contacted him, but he emailed her a couple of months ago to say a mutual friend had died and he thought she’d like to know. He was told me there has been no contact between them.

She didn't reply but i can see he had used it as an excuse to contact her so obviously still thinking about her.

We’ve had a huge row. He says he loves me but after 40 years he doesn't feel so passionately about me. He says if i had left him when he confessed to his affair he wouldn't be here now (killed himself). He says he wants to buy house and land in the country and then move there on his own and I can visit as a friend and if we get on I can live there with him. He also says that in the 2 years since the affair he has not been happy with me.
This is awful. I feel he really dislikes me. Why didn’t he just leave me and have done with it?
Has anyone experienced something like this?

Also he keeps saying stuff about being old. Yesterday he held out his hand to me and said ‘look at that it’s an old man’s wrinkled old hand’ . He’s 62. His hands look fine!

The question you should ask yourself is how long do you want to feel like this. You either stay with him and feel like this for an indefinite amount of time (could be forever until you heal) or go now and forge a life without him. You are still young enough to do so. He didn't see you as his best friend did he? I would look into flight for Australia and would be on the first flight out. It is very difficult to get over infidelity I would think.

He is keeping you on a string Pinktulip don't fall for it, you will be so much happier away from him and his machinations. Call time on this one sided relationship, move on and be happy.

I share EV’s reaction. The OW’s failure to respond to his email indicates she’s moved on from him; this is exactly what I’d do if I were you after his appalling treatment. I’d act upon the sound advice you’ve been given above. He’s playing mind games with you. At 62 HE’S too old to grow up as he should do but at 62 you’re not too old to look forward to a better life without him.