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How can I move on?

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Pinktulip Tue 09-Feb-21 10:01:42

Hoping some wise gransnetters can help me as I feel like I’m in a hole i just cant climb out of.

My husband of 32 years (together for 41) had an affair for over a year with a work colleague who was also a mutual friend.

She expected him to keep the affair secret but he told me and it has devastated me.

He and i agreed to try to stay together. She left his workplace and never contacted him again. H and I had counselling (individual and couples). He says he's still with me and we should just get on with the future.

It is nearly 2 years since the affair came out and I try, i really try, to be over it but I am not.
I have improved so i can go for long stretches without mentioning it, but i think about it every day.

My h and I both still work and his job means he is often away during the week. If he then doesn't phone me every night I start to spiral down in to ‘affair madness’. When he was carrying on and was away for work sometimes he was actually with her and I cant forget that. Its like everything triggers me.

Has anyone managed to get over something like this and have a happy marriage?

I feel like my whole future has been taken away. I am 62 years old and i feel too scared to be alone. My friends all have grandchildren and their own lives. Our child lives in Australia and has no children. My family are all dead unfortunately. My husband was my best friend I thought.

Can i start a new life alone at 62?

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justwokeup Sun 14-Mar-21 21:35:34

' Killed himself ' - just rubbish, he's trying to keep you there so he's not alone, maybe until something better comes along. You said earlier ' He told the counsellor that he had been unhappy with me for years, that i didnt care about him '. The man lies about everything, why are you still there? If you really can't foresee a life without him you will have to put up with this lying until the end of your days, or until he gets some better offer ... and if you stay together he will get half of your pension anyway! I'd make use of the times he is working away to get your finances clear and in order, start making plans, and get advice from a sympathetic solicitor. Don't wait until he tells you to go, regain your pride and take control.

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Nannagarra Sun 14-Mar-21 21:55:43

Exactly, justwokeup.

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Pinktulip Sun 14-Mar-21 22:16:15

Yes you are all right. This is hopeless.

I was very shocked to see he had hidden her on his phone and then lied about never contacting her. I thought he was trying to reconcile with me but actually I think he really dislikes me.

I think it's probably true that he doesn't want to be alone that's all. He's very bitter about OW's husband. He says "OW husband will never trust her again like you don't trust me, and that's their punishment".

I feel like I can't face the horrible legal fights that are going to happen now. I want to just fade out of it all.

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Lauren59 Sun 14-Mar-21 23:17:01

Pink tulip, I was in your situation ten years ago. My ex husband even had the same arrogant attitude. I know the thought of divorce and being on your own is frightening, but you can make a new life for yourself! I thought I would never get over the pain but I did and I’m stronger and happier than I ever was with him. One thing that helped me was reminding myself daily that no one was coming to rescue me. In other words, I had to stand on my own two feet and not rely on anyone but myself for decision-making, happiness, my future plans and so on. I found the inner strength to pull myself up and out of my miserable situation and created my new life. I don’t need a man to be happy and I quite enjoy being in charge of every decision. I am enough.

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