Should I tell her husband?

I would definately tell him.
Between them both they have ruined your marriage.
And start divorce proccedings asap,he doesn`t deserve you.
I would also tell you Dc.

I am so sorry for you.

It would definitely serve her right if you told her husband.

However, if you are going to try and divorce as amicably as possible and with a fair settlement, it might backfire. You might make the divorce process worse.

Her husband will find out soon enough, I imagine. Maybe he already knows and thinks you don't know.

Like timetogo2016, I think you might be wise to tell your children. You can do this without having to badmouth him completely or say he's a bad father etc..... I suppose a lot will depend on how he's treated you in general terms, apart from the affair.

GrannyTracey Do you really think your husband is going to change after 4 years I think not,how do you know the OWs husband does not already knows of her relationship with you husband after all this time it would be hard for him not to know don't you think ?
Get all your finances in order and show him the door he is not going to change,you are still young and able to enjoy your life when you start again you certainly don't want to spend the rest of your life being miserable with this man.

I'd suggest speaking to a solicitor as soon as you can....get as much information about rights etc and then talk to your children - with care.
Then decide what YOU want to do.

Personally, if it was my husband he'd have been long gone but you have to make that decision / choice.
My ex partner had an affair many years ago...I packed his things and took them to her house, I actually piled them in the garden and suggested to her that if she wanted him so much then she could have his too!
I was much younger and far more quick tempered and have to say, it did feel good.

I am getting very mixed messages here. This blatant affair has been going on for four years at least. He has said it is all over numerous times and gone straight back to his mistress.

And now you are asking us for advice about what you should do, Should you tell the other woman's husband. Isn't that blindingly obvious?

I think this appeal to us is another stalling exercise, you are half hoping we will recommend, or someone will recommend that you do nothing, say nothing accept being humiliated daily by this unpleasant couple, instead of just packing your bag and walking out.

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with yourself and have a good talk. Ask yourself, why you are so determined to accept this humiliation. Did you grow up in a home, where your mother/grandmother/aunts, meekly acquiesced with flagrantly unfaithful spouses, perhaps it was a deeply religious home where the breakdown of a marriage for any reason was totally abhorrent. Was someone crushed by emotional blackmail when they tried to leave. Is your husband's behaviour, typical of all your past relationships.

Whatever the reason, you need to find out what you want, what you really really want. Chuck out the unrealistic - your H repents his wicked ways, returns to you repentant and is faithful ever after. That is so definitely not going to happen.
Do you want to keep suffering? Are you terrified of being on your own for any reason, so stay for that reason? Whatever it is you need to sit down and talk honestly to yur self. Perhaps seek councillingto help you through.

As for telling the woman's husband. You do not need to tell him face-to-face. Write to him, email him, text him.

Currently, I think there is something stopping you leave - and it isn't that you are worried about the welfare of the woman's family. Find out what that is and your next step will not need advice from us.

Your husband is spending money out of your joint resources to rent a flat? I'd be making sure that my finances were secure and then initiating divorce proceedings. Hiring PIs and spying on their activities will not make you feel better, it's like picking at a scab, but moving on from this miserable marriage will. Your husband sounds like an absolute fool, TBH. Let him go.

I think the OP is the making of a sleazy novel and the person concerned is running out of ideas in how to take the story forward.

Who, in their right mind would have let this sordid activity go on for so long? And employing a PI as well as funding a separate flat? Wake up and smell the coffee!

I think now is the time to get him out of your house - ha has somewhere to go that he kept a secret from you - get legal advice and initiate divorce proceedings. He’s been leading you on for years and time for you to take the reins! Not really sure that telling her husband is helpful, but I would tell your family and close friends. Ps. Do you know here husband? If so, then perhaps you could arrange to speak with him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

In answer to whether you should tell her husband - no. It just sounds as if you're looking for drama, or revenge. Let him find out by himself, as you did.

Send the husband exactly what you've written here.

Your husband and the other woman have been taking you for a fool for the last few years. Too many people equate kindness with weakness.

This woman is desperate for her husband not to find out..so that's exactly what you need to do.. they've both lied and cheated on you for years , now it's your turn to not take that any more.. let the husband deal with his wife's infidelities.. ...

He has told you he is leaving you, has actually left you and moved into the flat. It is over, get a solicitor for the financial side and get on with your life.

Telling her husband is keeping the drama going. It does not matter about what he has been doing for the last 4 years. It is over.

I think it is time to get rid...dont you??? You have put up with this for 4 years!! How much longer are you going to put up with it??? What are you frightened of??? Being on your own??? You have been on your own for years while your so called husband goes and lives his life his way and continues to tell you lies!! Your head must be wrecked with it all...dont you want peace of mind now?? Let him go be with her and dont listen to any more of it. You need to sort yourself out now...it does not look or sound that you think enough of yourself. It sounds like your husband and the one he is with have done a good job on you. It would be a good idea to have some Counselling...you can do this online because of Covid. Loads of therapist are offering this right now... be it on Zoom or Skype. You need to get your thoughts & head together and tell your husband to go. Nothing can be any worse than it is for you now...at least when he has gone you will know why. You can free yourself up in time and get over this...and if and when ready meet someone else or have a fullfilling single life with no more hurt and deceit.

Why tell her husband?

You’re angry and want to hurt someone!
It is your husband you should be angry with.

Put your energy in to getting all the information you can on your husband, business,bank accounts,investment and property.
Then see a solicitor.

Divorce is the only answer.

Then concentrate on yourself, make the most of the rest of your life.

Why are you still with this person? You have been treated appallingly.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again!
Get rid of someone who wants to be somewhere else, you are not second best!!
Do things that make you happy, don’t torture yourself with what the loser is doing. Make a new life which totally excludes him, don’t look for love either because it will find you. Nothing more attractive than a healthy, happy woman!
Good luck!

I agree in Avalon - is this post fake

Avalon, Dottynan, that was my first thought, too.

Don't say that Avalon. Dottynan, geekesse.

I queried a thread a few weeks ago. I said no more than you have said, and I had GNHQ on my tail, metaphorically waving a big stick and accusing me of trolling [shocked]

GrannyTracey
At 16 and 19 her children probably suspect, possibly know what’s going on. Concentrate on yourself!

Why tell the husband? This is common knowledge and I bet everybody knows

I don't know if it was real or not but I was a bit amused by the hairdresser comments, why not the barbers? where I was brought up men and women went to the hairdressers, there were no barbers at all. I think there might be a couple now but nowhere near as many as you see down south, we are drowning under the strain of all the barbers and their beardy beards.

If you are real OP, get your paperwork together and see a solicitor. I don't think it matters if you tell her husband or not in all honesty but as others say you need to tell your own children.

Focus on sorting your own life out and leave others to sort out theirs. Put your energy into next steps for you

Something very similar happen to friend of mine.
She found a phone with pics of women
Of course he said, they were women from work, all the BS they come out with. She said, she'll give it another go but unfortunately a year later, she found another phone hidden in his gym bag, but this time, she found pics of mens private parts. She called the police as she wanted him out.
They came, and search the house to see if they was anything that shouldn't be there. They found £17,000 up stairs in wardrobe. My friend had no idea where that money came from, she believes he was saving money so he could start again somewhere. The police gave it to her, which was great for her.
The moral of this story is, once they go down that road, you can never trust them.
Luck for my friend, she got divorced, and met lovely guy on line.
So stay strong, walk away and don't look back

Be prepared. Protect yourself, see an understanding solicitor who backs women and take up their advice. Re housing, bank and what you are legally owed. Have all this in order before telling him. Don’t do anything before hand. Good luck.