My Son Knows Everything

He is a conspiracy theorist/anti vaxxer. And when he decides to vent I simply say "there are still those who think that" and turn my back on him/walk into the next room.

if only we didn't get so upset by them! After much suffering like this I learnt not to divert or disagree just keep to minimum for my own good. then today I questioned something - after all it is mothers day...and my god. Ive ended up feeling quite upset and remembered why I always take the easy way out. He too has a very possessive wife who doesn't help at all in fact relishes any disagreement. One just hopes they will grow out of it...but my son is 45. and I think he is a bit aspergers...because he never takes the easy emotionally calming way out, his brightness is too logical. Youre not alone. Thats my son, my daughter is easier to talk with but VERY superior. I think we have to take it on the chin without being fooled...which is tough but we can do it.

If he is an Antivaxxer - Eviebeanz - I hope you don’t let him in your house until the pandemic is over or he changes his mind with a jab. If he talks to you on the doorstep you can always shut the door to his rude conversations.

You brought him up ?

How very infuriating! But I can understand that you don't want to endanger relationships with him or his children.
I don't know what the answer is but I do sympathise and send you good wishes.

Wendy Cope wrote this;-

He tells her that the earth is flat
He knows the facts and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong
But he has learned to argue well,
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win.
He stands his ground.
The planet goes on being round.

I don't want to trivialise your feelings but thought you might find this poem amusing.

If this is new, it may be short term - perhaps he's having a rough time at work.

I don't understand your fears regarding the grandchildren though.
Why might saying you are wrong about things lead to not having contact with them?

There is surely something else going on?

As long as he gets on with his OH I wouldn’t worry too much, unless his views are “extreme”, if you are fed up debating the topic change the subject.
Of course if he is such a smart arse he can help you with all sorts of things, maybe he is clever, let him prove it.

The trouble with my son is that he actually is an expert but of a very niche subject. Once he starts ,eyes glaze over after about 10 minutes and I try to change the subject without hurting his feelings. However, my other daughter in law has a slight interest in his subject but disagrees strongly with his opinion.I think this is partly behind a family fallout. She now ignores him .

this must be contagious. very painful. I made sure my kid had a great education. He has book knowledge. But not much insight or empathy. and he wont listen to anyone without credentials

That Pam Ayers video was a classic. Made my day

I clicked on the Pam Ayres link, started listening to it, and laughed. Mr L - who also has strong opinions on a wide range of subjects - seems to have gone off in a huff. Oh dear!

Hi Whiterabbit57 so sorry to hear of your experience with your son. I had a similar one with my youngest when he turned 13/14 (he’s now 30) when he started treating me like I was stupid. I told him it was amazing that I’d managed to get the the ripe old age of 48 (as I was then!) without his assistance !! It shut him up for a short while.
Unfortunately he takes after my husband who knows how to solve all the worlds problems even though I’ve told him it’s probably more complicated than he thinks!!!

Your son, in his mind believes he is right. His wife has been conditioned to accept he IS right You cannot win.
Does he have siblings?what is their opinion?
Other than distancing yourself ( won't be in) answer a question with a question.Don't know the answer to that what do you think ?'you know more than me/us.

Correction .Don't no the answer to that

Most of us probably went through the same phase when we were young. I remember my mother accusing me of it when I was 21.

Next time he cuts you off, do tell him not to be so rude.

And when either he or his wife tell you your opinions are wrong, smile and say, "Well, we will have to agree to differ, then" .

If he objected your contribution was trivial he needed to be challenged to explain what he meant by "trivial".

In my house and family there are commonly competing sorts of conversation.

One sort is where people's feelings and general politeness are uppermost. The other sort of conversation is where people argue their points of view.

My guess is that your son is actually respectful and he wants and expects you to challenge him with reasoned arguments.

May be , and for all I can know of the argument, your argument and point of view was trivial and you could learn from your son. I may tell you I have a son who is so well informed and so reasoned in his arguments he regularly informs me sometimes so I change my mind. I respect him and his ideas very much and have learned to do so over the years.

I am also grateful he feels it worthwhile to explain complex arguments to me.

I agree with other posters that this behaviour is like that of people with Asperger's. My son can be like this and I also think that people who do this really can't stand to be proven wrong, so it may say something about their confidence. It's very hard to deal with, especially when you have something to contribute and are used to being treated as an intelligent person . I refuse to engage and walk away if this behaviour starts.

People who are emotionally secure don't need or want to put other people down.
He sounds like he's trying to prove himself to you for some reason.

Crafty granny I loved the Pam Ayers poem

You could me describing my elder son. He was the first in our family on both sides to go to university and is very clever. It’s difficult arguing with him as he is more informed and keeps up with current events and news, but it is annoying as I anything I bring up I’m doubtless incorrect. I’m certainly glad I’m not the only one. Thankfully the younger isn’t as bright so doesn’t hold so many opinions

This always brings a smile to my lips:

"I'm a somewhat of a bullshitter myself, but occasionally I like to listen to an expert, so please, carry on..."

My ex- DIL was like that. The funniest expert announcement was that crocodiles and alligators are the same!

I realize I'm turning this back to a very serious note but this sort of behaviour is not just rude but is a form of control.
His wife must also be subject to the constant "put-downs" which will leave her demoralized. She may well agree because she has no escape.
His role model will also impact on both the self-esteem and the behaviour of your grandchildren as they grow up.
I'm not suggesting there's any solution to this as he would not recognize your concerns however they are put, but you may want to consider turning your efforts to supporting the other family members?

WhiteRabbit57, I used to work with somebody just like your son!

I took to openly calling him 'The Oracle' - and directing anyone with questions to him - as 'He always knows the right answer to everything!' - with a chuckle, of course.

I remained friendly, and visibly amused. I was quite a bit older than him, so one day I said:

'I remember well being young, being arrogant, being confident, being certain. It was great! Of course, now I'm older, I know for certain that I'm not always right. I realise we only know what we know - so far!'

He's just a late developer.
Eventually, his mindset will grow out of being a teenager