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How do you raise difficult topics with your partner?

(17 Posts)
Cabbie21 Sun 28-Mar-21 16:47:06

My DH is not very chatty. He is also a very private person, who thinks he is immortal.
Now that we are in our mid seventies, it is time we remade our wills, did LPAs, thought about provision for our older years if we need help.
Occasionally we have touched on such topics but he soon changes the subject. How do you get such discussions going and action taken?
Of course, I could just get on with making my own arrangements, but that doesn’t seem very kind.. In many ways we are separate entities, each with our own bank accounts, children etc but I would want to feel he understood and supported my plans.

Kim19 Sun 28-Mar-21 16:52:43

I have a similar problem with one of my sons. He says 'put it all in writing' and will not discuss my demise at all. This I have done for him. Happily the other one will listen and discuss everything with me. Think I'm sorted. Can only hope they will be.......

cornishpatsy Sun 28-Mar-21 16:55:38

I do not think it would be unkind to make your own arrangements. You have different thoughts on the subject and it is not something you can compromise on so it's a case of each doing what you think is best for you.

Telling him what you are going to do may make him think more about it and encourage him to do the same but you cannot make anyone do what they do not want to.

Smileless2012 Sun 28-Mar-21 17:00:21

Maybe you could write down what you want to do in terms of making your own arrangements and give that to him to read through, then you could ask what he intends to do with regard to his own.

If he isn't forthcoming, although it's not ideal, I do think you should go ahead with finalising your own.

Urmstongran Sun 28-Mar-21 17:44:28

After food. And not after 9pm. (proven by psychologists).

dogsmother Sun 28-Mar-21 17:52:02

After food always wise here haha. But really nothing is off limits or a problem any how.
I would suggest you write your thoughts down though and present them to him for his perusal letting him know you weren’t sure how best to put things.

M0nica Sun 28-Mar-21 17:55:19

Whatever else he does, make sure he makes a PoA. tell him if he doesn't and it is needed, his care and welfare will be governed by the Court of Protection and not his nearest and dearest.

I have twice had to deal with family members who would not do this and the result when they became incapacitated, was an immense amount of hassle and problems at a time when you really do not need it.

Cabbie21 Sun 28-Mar-21 18:06:46

Thank you for answers so far.
About LPA, we thought we did EPAs at the same time as our wills some years ago. Would there be a document lodged with the will? I need to read up on it to check the differences.

M0nica Sun 28-Mar-21 18:08:58

Once made LPAs/EPAs stay until cancelled.

Artaylar Sun 28-Mar-21 18:54:27

Turning the telly off is always a good start, and funnily enough it was only last night I had the conversation with DH re 'what happens when one of us dies'.

Now DH is not the chattiest of people, though he tends to know I mean business when I turn the TV off.

The conversation I needed to have with him was around certain financial things I hoped he would agree to be put in place in order to safeguard both of us, and make things a lot simpler in the event of either of us dying....jolly little subject, I know.

I know that he hates to be rushed into things, so I just slowly laid it all out and asked him to think about it, and said that I would ask him again in a week's time to see what he has decided.

I also know that he can't be given too many things to think about at once, so the much needed conversation about LPA is on the back burner for now. With that one, I'll be appealing to his pocket i.e. how much more expensive with ongoing fees it is, in addition to all the other complexities of having to go to the Court of Protection in the event of future mental incapacity, if a LPA isnt already in place.

My closest friend and I have also agreed to organise one another's funeral if anything happens to either one of us. My friend's DH can't tie his own shoe laces, never mind anything else, bless him, and if things re my funeral are left to my DH, no bugger would even know I had died.

What are they like eh.

Cabbie21 Sun 28-Mar-21 19:14:08

I do not have any signed copies of our EPAs, so unless they are with the wills with the solicitor, we will have to do an LPA. I know you have to register an EPpA when you lose capacity, but unless it was properly drawn up in the first place, I need to start afresh.
EPA is for finances only, so we need to do an LPA for health and welfare too.
Great idea about turning off the TV, Artaylar. And writing down proposals and giving him time to think about them.

Redhead56 Sun 28-Mar-21 20:31:30

What are they like eh? exactly I start to discuss an idea I have when DH is in a nice mood. Then when he is in his next good mood after a few pints. I tell him he agreed with me last time we talked about my idea. We have both got failing memories DH is slightly worse it works almost every time.

sodapop Sun 28-Mar-21 20:41:07

I'm in charge of admin in our house so I just tell my husband what we are going to do.

Have to sort out how our wills are affected now Brexit has happened.

Smileless2012 Mon 29-Mar-21 15:59:50

"Turning the telly off is always a good start". That made mesmile Artaylar Mr. S. knows I mean business when I say "we need to talk"grin.

Artaylar Mon 29-Mar-21 16:13:18

So glad it made you smile Smileless2012. His Nibs gets away with murder 99% of the time which he spends in his own little world, same spot on the sofa, faffing about on his lap top with glass of wine in one hand and vaper in the other.

He always looks so startled when 'he knows I mean business' which always makes me giggle inside, even though I'm trying to be serious.

Smileless2012 Mon 29-Mar-21 17:40:57

Sounds like Mr. S. Artaylar me thinks we've rather spoiled themgrin.

Cabbie21 Mon 29-Mar-21 17:41:12

One of the things I want to do is to change the proportion of money I leave to him in my will. At the moment my estate is to be split three ways equally between DH and my two adult children, who each have two children.
DH also has two adult children with just one grandchild, no more expected. He also owns a small share in a property. His estate is to be split three ways too. I do not want anything to do with the property, so we both need to make changes.
I just don’t know how to broach it without upsetting the apple art.
We own our home as tenants in common and that is taken care of, so not an issue.