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A question of etiquette perhaps?

(126 Posts)
Kartush Sat 03-Apr-21 08:28:09

I would like to pose a question of sorts. Lets pretend there is no covid and you invite your adult children round for Easter dinner, full roast dinner. Would you expect them to offer to bring something? or if you were the person being invited, would you make that offer? or would you just turn up empty handed.
The reason I ask is, my husband has put on Christmas dinner, Easter Dinner and many occasions in between for our family and with no exceptions the only one of my girls who has ever asked if they could bring something, or actually brought something off their own bat is my niece (who is more like another daughter than a niece).
It doesn't annoy me as such, I was just wondering if this was a common occurrence in other families

Galaxy Sat 03-Apr-21 08:31:26

I would always bring wine or chocolates, I wouldnt usually ask if I could bring something towards the main meal.

Jaxjacky Sat 03-Apr-21 08:33:04

My children both ask what they can bring, but bring wine/flowers anyway. DD helps prep veg and DS washes up with DH.

Anniebach Sat 03-Apr-21 08:37:01

Are our children guests

Lucca Sat 03-Apr-21 08:38:57

I’d take wine, flowers or something but wouldn’t offer to make something. Surely within family you would know each other well enough to say please could you bring a salad/dessert or whatever.

Sara1954 Sat 03-Apr-21 08:47:17

My children would never bring anything, my oldest daughter has on occasion brought flowers, but I don’t expect them or want them to bring anything.

Georgesgran Sat 03-Apr-21 08:48:51

I’m with Anniebach - the children are guests. Should one bring a bottle of wine, or a bunch of flowers - that’s appreciated, but never expected. The meal is my treat to give them a break from their own kitchens.

Drell Sat 03-Apr-21 08:52:35

I would always offer as a guest - expecting to be refuted and take along a little gift instead. But maybe children (no matter how old) revert to the role of being provided for and fed? Or maybe they feel inadequate (not the right word, but hope you get my meaning) They probably do when going to friends...... it maybe its more about roles than etiquette. But if it's bothering you maybe ask?

Anniebach Sat 03-Apr-21 08:54:53

My children have never been my guests, when they come to my home they are coming to their home.

Mamardoit Sat 03-Apr-21 09:00:24

Yes the DC and DGC are guests just as we are if we are invited to their homes. We always offer to supply a desert/wine. They do the same if we are hosting. We are a large family if we all get together and it would be a lot of catering if one family were doing it all.

Greyduster Sat 03-Apr-21 09:13:50

It would never occur to DS to bring anything, but DD and SiL always bring wine. I don’t care if they come empty handed, as long as they come! It is my greatest joy in life just to have them at my table.

M0nica Sat 03-Apr-21 09:20:17

What I do depends on the circumstances. If family or friends invied for a meal, I will always take flowers or wine or both with me.

With children, it is more complicated because one lives 100 miles away and the other 200, they do not visit just for a meal, they come and stay, anything from a weekend to a week and we stay with them in a similar fashion. The exchange will usually involve flowers, then, if we have recently been to France, Brittany cider for DS, little bottles of red wine for DDiL, bits and pieces for the children. Also anything we have picked up which we think they will enjoy/find useful

DD arrived on Thursday evening bearing a Christmas present, a sweater she was knitting that took longer than expected to complete, a heap of magazines, to match mine. It is an Easter tradition, as we usually go to France for Easter and buy the magazines to read in the (tv-less) evenings, 2 wicker storage baskets she no longer needed, a jar of homemade pickle and a couple of DVDs.

Chewbacca Sat 03-Apr-21 09:24:25

Same as Greyduster for me; I just love to see my family sat around my table enjoying a meal. They're coming tomorrow for Easter Sunday lunch and DDIL phoned last night to ask if they could bring anything; I replied, "only yourselves", and meant it.

Polarbear2 Sat 03-Apr-21 09:29:46

They sometimes bring beer or wine but I don’t expect it. They aren’t guests they’re my family. I see them every week at least once. Where I live isn’t their ‘home’ but I’d like to think wherever I am is ‘home’ in a way?

Sago Sat 03-Apr-21 09:30:36

We don’t have children living near so when they come it’s to stay.
Our daughter has 2 young children and they lead a busy life so getting to us is hard enough without remembering wine/ flowers etc.
Every so often she will send a thoughtful gift.

No 2 a son and his fiancé come laden with wine, candles,
chocolates etc
I always get a thank you note afterwards in the post.

The youngest thinks his siblings are rolling in money and as the youngest by a long way he feels we should all still be treating him!
He is appreciative but very tight😩

Hetty58 Sat 03-Apr-21 09:33:00

It's a bit too cold for an outdoor lunch don't you think? An Easter egg hunt and snacks are all that's planned here!

Ellianne Sat 03-Apr-21 09:36:36

I agree with Chewbacca they bring themselves, and the hairy dog!
We are going to our son's for an Easter Sunday garden lunch and will take Easter eggs for the children. I might make a cake but nothing for the actual lunch.

EllanVannin Sat 03-Apr-21 09:39:58

I would never expect my family to bring anything since it was my request that they came for dinner.

With friends it's different as you feel obliged to bring something along---flowers/ plant.

Witzend Sat 03-Apr-21 09:41:24

They’d probably offer, but I like having them round and cooking for them, so I’d probably say not to bother.
They’d almost certainly bring flowers/wine.

One dd and SiL are quite busy enough with working plus 3 little ones, so in their case it’s particularly good to relieve them of just a bit of the thinking/shopping/cooking when I can. Not much lately, obviously. 🙁
On usual pre-COVID visits I’d often take the lunch or dinner and was happy to do so.

lemsip Sat 03-Apr-21 09:41:52

Kartush if you are thinking about this then it is a problem to you. Are the children yours and husbands or are there some of his and some yours. You say your husband puts on the Christmas dinners etc etc.

rubysong Sat 03-Apr-21 09:42:32

I wouldn't expect anything from DC for an ordinary meal, though they might bring wine or flowers. When they come for Christmas Dinner they usually do the starter, just to save me a job. If Ddil's mother comes she usually brings a trifle. It wouldn't matter if nothing was brought. I know they appreciate the meal.

Redhead56 Sat 03-Apr-21 10:07:36

We are not eating at anyone's house until we allowed but pre covid we take a contribution. Both of our children and partners do not drink alcohol we would take a few beers or wine. We all like to bake so an extra dessert is always welcome. If we go to our friends it's just for drinks we always take a little homemade snack.

cornergran Sat 03-Apr-21 10:07:46

It varies here. We take something to our family in the same way we do to friends if they are cooking, I am greatly appreciative of anyone who cooks for me. One daughter in law always asks if they can bring a contribution to a meal, my response is always just bring yourselves and they do. One son will sometimes bring flowers or wine, sometimes not. It truly doesn’t matter. When it was so warm last year he always brought ice lollies to our garden chats, very much appreciated by us all.

DillytheGardener Sat 03-Apr-21 10:14:19

I would love my boys, dil and gc to be all in the same country so I could cook them all a meal. DS2 is a bit tight with money and a bit lazy so would neither bring anything nor wash up. DS1 wouldn’t eat my cooking and loves cooking and hosting, so would have ordered the food and cooked it at my house if he was here. Dil always brings wine and flowers.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 03-Apr-21 10:16:46

No they don’t, one DD always stays here with the GCs as they live so far away and the other DD lives in the next village and often comes for lunch , tea or even breakfast. I would never expect family to bring anything, but they will often come over with a magazine or new Puzzle Book or something that has been made at home.
We always take wine, chocs or flowers when we go to friends for a meal, if we pop in for coffee we take sausage rolls or cakes.

Although TBH it’s been so long that it’s all a vague memory now and DD2 has been with us since the beginning of December, so all the normal things have gone out of the window.