Dad had another family...

My Dad kept us secret from his second family and when it came out, it caused by half siblings great pain that they had been lied to all their lives. It unsettled my late brother a great deal whilst my sister took it in her stride.
I agree with those who suggest you get counselling. You are absolutely within your rights to feel betrayed, cuckolded or any way you wish to word it but it is the way you handle it that is important for your wellbeing. You need help to process this and to assist you to make the decisions of what to do with that information.
Finding out that both your parents lied to you is a huge thing. Please do not let anybody else tell you differently. They may not have meant to inflict damage but they did and you are allowed to grieve.

I think this is much more common than you would imagine.
My son-in-law first found out he had a brother his age at his father’s funeral. Also another family I know had a big shock after 30 years. It’s not the fault of the off-spring.

Gosh - a very warm hug from me. I too have 'had my past involuntarily re-written'. Until you feel steadier, don't do anything with consequences. Just getting through the day being civil, keeping your health and routine will be enough. When you are on an even keel - then is the time to think about how you want to go forward with this.

I think this is more common than people imagine.
We were out for a meal with DH's cousin and he told us that his father had another family, I am not sure when he acquired the knowledge but he did tell us he had no desire to meet them.
The man was horrible, abusive and controlling.

Your father you say was a good and loving father, didn't neglect you in any way. Your mother accepted it. Why dwell on a past that is not part of your life. OK you have half siblings, let them do the hunting down if it is to be. You can stir up a whole lot of emotions if you start digging. Yes, a shock, but it's way way in the past. If your father had not been a good father I could understand your hurt. My father had an affair and she had a son, I met him once when he came looking for me. I was polite, gave him a cup of tea, we had nothing in common. And I've had no contact since. Can't change the past.

Give yourself time to come to terms with this discovery before you involve your aunt and uncle.

Counselling might help - it would do no harm to try it.

I would be tempted to ask this "friend" who apparently knows a lot about what your parents chose to keep from you, where she got her knowledge from and whether she is sure it is correct.

She may be able to tell you whether there were any children from this relationship of your father's, or the name of their mother, which would make tracing them, if they exist, easier.

As your mother knew about her husband's mistress, I imagine that his brother and sister may well have known too.
If you do decide to ask them, try to do so tactfully, by saying you have heard a rumour and you wonder if it could possibly be true.

Well. This has picked up again so a mini update. I’m fine now. I bounce well these days . Had a word with myself. Resilience I think ?? Anyhow - the plot thickens. It seems a woman has been trying to get in touch with mum. Potentially this alleged half sister. I’ve written to a family contact from long ago. It’s a long story I won’t go into here but bottom line is - letter posted. Awaiting outcome. Mum is fully on board and actually asked me to do this. Feels like a soap opera! We’re not a dramatic family so this is all very strange to us.

If your dad wanted you to know he would have told you,
It is what it is now,... your dad cared and looked after you and your mum, don't dig about causing hurt,...
remember the dad you loved, some never even had a dad
Let it go now, we all make mistakes and some are big ones
Be happy and help your mum to be happy
I wish my mum was still here
Hugs xx

If you have the money-not sure how much it costs, maybe £99??-I would do an Ancestry DNA test. Many people have done them and it may help you find your unknown sibling/family before upsetting the family you do know. Last year we ‘acquired’ a new relative through this, from a family member who had disappeared. We’re delighted to know them-you may have the same luck!

Thanks. I’m not holding my breath ?. We’ll see.

That sounds very difficult for you ?
Whilst I understand your mum not wanting to discuss it with you now I see no reason for you not to ask your Aunt and Uncle.
If that feels too painful could you try a genealogy site? You may find your sibling has been looking for you there!
Counselling sounds like a great idea in the meantime. Be kind to yourself first and foremost ???

nanna8

If they had a child you have a half brother or sister somewhere. Personally I would want to meet them and try to find them. It is not their fault and they might be pleased to find a close family member - and so might you after the dust settles !

I totally agree. It is not their fault.

Look for the positives. Your Dad had two families but, from what you say, he maintained them both. Unless you know or find out differently, he didn't walk out on either of them. You think your mother knew but apparently she accepted the situation. Bigamy is a crime, so he didn't marry the second woman. Find your half sibling if you can. Your previous belief that your dad was a good man may well be borne out by them. Having only one husband or wife is an imposed convention... Controversial?

Polarbear2 you seem to have everything under control and in cahoots with your mum you’ve taken action, so we’ll done you.

I recently found out (through DNA) that my mum’s dad actually wasn’t - and most surprisingly that it had been a source of rumour since my mum was at school! I have now found links to her likely biological father (long deceased), but will do lots more research before I consider making contact. Many of his descendants are active on Ancestry, so it’s possible that they (like me) would find the news more intriguing than upsetting.

I'm glad for you Polarbear2 that there's movement and you may get some answers.

Like others, I found out 6 years ago (while going through a MacDonalds drive through answering a call from one of my sisters) that I have a brother .. half brother. Mum as a 17year old in rural Ireland in 1943, father unknown. The baby was "given over" to the Christian Brothers and farmed out to families as cheap labour, according to him.

Mum died 10 years previously so no answers from her. I do know she'd be horrified that her daughters knew - Aunts, Uncles, cousins all know, one cousin tracked him down without us knowing a thing, and met with him a few times. My elder sister couldn't wait to meet him, and has kept in touch but "the brother"'s wife is furious/jealous, and has soured things there. My younger sister and I have met him once, nice guy but very sorry for himself. His daughter though, my oldest niece now, is just lovely! Met her a few times and adore her.

My sisters don't know if our Dad knew (they met about 5-6 years after), but I'm sure he did, from things that were said at odd times.

"The brother" said if he'd know Mum was dying he'd have walked the ends of the earth to be with her. I didn't want to say that she'd have been truly, utterly mortified with shame.

Wow. So many interesting stories. Let’s see how mine turns out. I’m expecting she just wants to know about dad - which is fair enough. Anything else we’ll have to see.

Polarbear2

Well. This has picked up again so a mini update. I’m fine now. I bounce well these days . Had a word with myself. Resilience I think ?? Anyhow - the plot thickens. It seems a woman has been trying to get in touch with mum. Potentially this alleged half sister. I’ve written to a family contact from long ago. It’s a long story I won’t go into here but bottom line is - letter posted. Awaiting outcome. Mum is fully on board and actually asked me to do this. Feels like a soap opera! We’re not a dramatic family so this is all very strange to us.

I think the main issues here are that both you and your Mum are okay and "together" with any action.
I really don't know how I'd feel in the same situation - as you rightly described, it's a mixture of emotions!

I think with social media and the internet plus the Long Lost Families / DNA Secret programmes, issues like this will become more and more prevalent.
I watched one programme and a child conceived via sperm donor was searching for any donor-conceived siblings.

Have you thought about sending a dna sample to the ancestry company that will link you to any other samples they've got on their database?

Polarbear2
I was told i was illegitimate and like your news it shattered what i had thought was the truth. It left me feeling like i was a fraudster leading a fake life.

All i can say is ask more questions now while people are alive to tell. that generation kept their skeletons in the cupboard - everyone knew but it was all whispers and nods.

I personally would contact the half sibling if you get chance but i love Long Lost Family. You may have found this out if you had a geneaology DNA test or they may have knocked on your door some day.

All i know is time is precious and finite do what you are going to do sooner rather than later.
It took me 18 years to find my bio father but things can be quicker now with technology.
I wouldn't talk to your mum about it any more but she might bring it up.

I rang the samaritans when i was 12 about it feeling suicidal not knowing how to process everything. They told me to leave it as he may have his own family now and i would upset it.

I don't agree with that advice and it didn't make me feel any better. Go for it if you want to find your half sibling.
None of this is your fault. Hugs to you.

Sorry got carried away just read your updates.
I hope you can keep us posted and things turn out well.
How exciting.

I discovered 19 years ago that I have a half sister. My Mum had had a drunken 'fling' during the war whilst my father was serving abroad. They weren't married at the time. Dad was prepared to bring the child up as his, but my very strict grandfather would have none of it. He said mum had brought shame on the family and insisted that the baby was to be adopted. This happened when she was 6 weeks old, my mum not knowing much about it. My mum and dad agreed to never tell my brother and me, and we knew nothing until I was contacted by my half sister. She wanted to know about her birth family and found me because of my unusual maiden name. She and I are firm friends and see each other whenever we can, but my brother has met her only once. She and my mother met once before mum died but there was no connection at all. You must do whatever feels right for you Polarbear

You are in your sixties your Mother is 99 take action on what you need to do for you now before it's too late Don't tell your mother if needs be but the bottom line is you've already lost a sybling how would you feel if your Dad's other children died before you found them?

The OP describes feeling like a hurt little girl, that everyone lied to, she says she has no idea what to do. That sounds to me like an emotionally accurate, also understandable and sensible response.
Rather than being encouraged to take action as some are advocating, I believe caution, sitting with those well described feelings, allowing some space to process those feelings is invaluable. Next steps in these situations of high emotion are best taken from foundations that are as calm as possible.

What a massive shock polarbear2 your mind must be racing wondering where to start first, it must have been so difficult for your mum to try to carry on as normal in front of you and your sibling for years, you must do what you feel is right for you, it’s such a big decision, I wish you lots of luck in the future x

I've had a very similar situation and my advise would be to mull it over for a while. Think of the pros and cons once the initial shock is over. It could be a big can of worms to open and the lid can never go back on. Given both your mothers age and your own, you may feel pressure to sort out your relationships while you can.
But what good would it serve?