Polarbear2
I’m mid 60s. Dads been dead 40 years. Mum extremely elderly. Dad was always revered by me and his family as a really good guy. Straight as a die. Kind. Very intelligent. To cut a long story short it came out yesterday via a ‘friend’ that dad had another woman for all their married lives. He chose to marry mum but kept the other one too. Turns out Mum knew and is fairly certain they had a child together. I’m so sad. Confused. Grieving I guess. My sibling died when I was young and to hear there’s possibly another sibling out there is pretty devastating. I feel I want to talk to my aunt and uncle (his brother and sister) to see if they knew. But, I know if they didn’t, I’m just spreading hurt - and if they did, it just means that everyone lied to me all my life. I feel like a hurt little girl and I have no idea what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. Mum doesn’t want to talk about it now it’s out - understandably. She’s very hurt in the remembering and has covered his pictures up. Counselling I guess is the best bet. But do I tell my uncle/aunt or keep quiet? They are very into geneology and I feel like saying here’s another one to add to your b****y family tree. Angry, hurt, sad - any advice ??
Been in a similar situation I identify with. Found out when I was 36 my late father was divorced when he met my late mom. I also had 2 half brothers alot older than me. Its complex, messy story, as they are. My father was 49 when I was born. My mom 36.
I am in a close good relationship with them since I found out. I totally get why mom didn't tell me. Its too long a story to go into anymore.
"John Bradshaw: Family secrets - what you don't know can hurt you" was the book I was led too which has worksheets in you can make. This really helped me make sense of it all.
Coupled with some counselling will help. These secrets tend to come out and lead a trail of devastation. It's no "Surprise, Surprise"
Good luck