Should we celebrate our Golden Wedding?

If you feel your marriage isn’t worth celebrating then don’t celebrate it, such a sad post living with someone for so long in a loveless marriage, sending you a virtual hug, Do something for yourself OP

It gave me great pleasure to celebrate our 50 years married alone, himself having left at 40 years for a ‘pie in the sky’ relationship with someone he said was ‘compatible’.

No-one seemed to notice the date or its significance and I just felt peace.

Will your husband remember it’s your 50th. Are you able to converse generally, if so, ask his opinion, or is there a close member of the family you can talk to about your feelings. If nothing is forthcoming then do something for yourself that you’ve always wanted to do.

This is sad. I think you should do something this summer to mark 50 years of marriage. If nothing else, have a family get together to celebrate being able to all meet up again after lockdown restrictions. If you don't want to frighten the horses by calling it a "Golden Wedding" celebration, call it a "summer celebration", a "post-lockdown shindig" or whatever. It's important to celebrate family and keep everyone in touch. Whether or not you ultimately want to find "the courage" to leave your marriage is a question that can be left for another day.

We're having a family get-together in Orkney on August 14th for our Golden Wedding and my sister's milestone birthday which was in January. I've booked a 4 bedroom apartment 4 minutes walk from our home. We did something similar in Cromarty for DH's milestone birthday for a week a couple of years ago. It's not something we had done before as we are not, and never were, party people. Folk buddied up in different combinations each day to explore the area according to their interests and it worked out fine although I fell off the sofa and injured my tail bone early on!!! There had been a bit of a rift in the family which began to heal during that time, although there was some awkwardness, so I am looking forward to this gathering very much.

If it really is a loveless marriage, you should split up. If not, one or other of you will very likely have to look after the other in failing health. Can you cope with the idea of doing that? Having looked after 2 husbands whom I loved in their final illnesses, I cannot imagine it being possible to do so with someone one doesn't love.

Just have a small family lunch. You have your family to celebrate with.

It’s our golden wedding in the summer too.
We will have a family lunch , hopefully in the garden. No big party, no fuss , just a little do to mark the occasion, and raise a glass to a long marriage with all its memories, good and bad.

Sorry but it seems as if this is all about you and how you feel. Have you ever thought to ask your husband if he would like to be free if a loveless marriage? A cheap card is still saying he remembers, there are many wives who would probably agree they don't even get that.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I felt as you do about our marriage, although it was less uncomfortable than yours, I couldn't stand his shouting.
I made all arrangements to leave, organised the solicitor etc., but I hesitated because, like you I had nowhere to go. When I told him I wanted to leave he was devastated. He really hadn't realised how much he was shouting. He promised me that he's never shout at me or my DD again, I said I'd leave him if he did.
For the last 15 years we have been very happy, drawn together by various disasters. We're coming up to out 50th next year. And he hasn't shouted at me, although he still gets angry with other drivers!

Why would you think of celebrating?Could you manage financially on your own?It would be such a relief to escape.

wow. my first thought when I read the heading was, well celebrate that you made it 50 years.
then I am not in a good place at the moment, so apologies in advance, but my dh died in the November, before our 50th in the January.

we didn`t make it..

Of course you must leave if he's violent, aggressive or controlling, but it sounds as if he's just cold. You have to decide whether to make a new life. Of course it's a huge step, and frightening I didn't end up taking that step, but my DD was younger, and he did change.
Perhaps you might think of moving nearer your children? If you are going to make a new life it's good to have an aim, and you could maybe see grandchildren.

I don't advocate living next door though!

My parents lived in a loveless marriage. My sister and I questioned Mum why she stayed with him. Her reply that she didn’t have to worry about money, lived in a nice house and Dad was a hard working sober person who gave her anything she wanted. We had a family gathering for their Golden Wedding and everything went well and amically.

I’m sorry you’re feeling unhappy.
I left my husband after 38yrs of marriage. Why did I stay so long? Because I absolutely adored him, but unfortunately for me, he didn’t feel the same. Ten of those years I slept alone and it was lonely. There wasn’t anyone else involved. He just didn’t want my love anymore. We have three wonderful daughters, and I still can’t believe that beautiful love we had found together was gone for him.
I’m now married to a lovely, gentle man who loves me to pieces. We have a very happy life and I’m so glad we met.
So you see, there is life after a sad marriage.
I hope you can find your happiness again. We’re only here once quizzer. Make the most of what time you have left ?

Don't "rock the boat", the "grass isn't always greener" and perhaps you just "cant see the wood for the trees"! (But on the other hand, of course "you're never too old"!)
Platitudes - yes! But they can all be so true. You have a lot to think about at the moment. Could you perhaps have a heart to heart with your husband (before the big day) to find out how he feels about your relationship? Does he know how you are feeling?
Whatever you decide to do, after the year we've all had, wouldn't it be nice to have a get together with your family anyway?

I would simply insist if any member of the family does realise that your Golden wedding is coming up, that neither of you want a celebration and that you had intended to travel instead.

Travel being out of the question, you are postponing the special holiday until is safe to take it.

It is hard to insist on no celebration, but it can be done.

Presumably, your adult children are all reasonably aware that your marriage has never been perfect and is not really a matter for a celebration.

If not, now might be the time to say something along the lines of, "No, we are not going to celebrate this or any other anniversary, as quite honestly your father and I have never really got on for reasons I don't intend to discuss. We chose many years ago now to stay together, but we do not feel it is a matter for celebration."

I too am in a loveless marriage and felt like this for 15 years or more,
My husband now has vascular dementia and 80 years old, I am 65
my daughters live in Oz and the U.S
so it is technically just me
I wish I had been brave enough to leave him.
Get out whilst you can

Having just lost 3 dear friends, all leaving behind very bereft husbands, my advice to you is don’t waste a second of your life, every moment is just so precious. Chat openly with your husband, don’t hold back. Even if you don’t want the split, just be housemates, then just live your life as you want to, travel, see friends, health spas etc whatever it is that you wish to do with your life. We owe it to ourselves not to waste a moment as we’re all a long time dead.

If your children don’t know the date of your marriage, let alone that it will be 50 years, how will they ‘find out’ unless you or your husband tell them?

If you don’t want a ‘do’, I would keep quiet.

Jeannie59

I too am in a loveless marriage and felt like this for 15 years or more,
My husband now has vascular dementia and 80 years old, I am 65
my daughters live in Oz and the U.S
so it is technically just me
I wish I had been brave enough to leave him.
Get out whilst you can

How sad for you, and I completely agree!

I wish you a more positive, peaceful and happy future, hope you have some good, close friends xxx

We renewed our wedding vows last year at our Golden Wedding. It’s not been an easy path over 50 years but decided to do it. We hired a private dining room in a nice hotel and invited friends n family who meant something to us. Sadly it was just before lockdown and our son coming from other side of the world had to cancel. I’m glad we did this as looking back over the past year we have lost friends and family member to Covid. Life is so very short. Your Golden Wedding is just once. Go and make an effort to enjoy it even surprise your husband there’s always two sides you know.

Due to COVID we didn’t celebrate our silver wedding this year
I can’t even remember what we did so does it really matter if you celebrate or not, it’s just another year like birthdays

Quizzer, I know a few people who are in perfectly happy marriages who don't celebrate their anniversaries so,if asked, just say that you don't usually bother. You say that your children don't know the date of your anniversary so presumably previous ones such as silver wedding have not been celebrated. Therefore, why not just ignore the whole thing but, as a previous poster said, if you get on all right on holiday, why not book something in this country. You don't need to tell the children why.

Gosh, what a sad tale. Are you really so unhappy all the time or is it a blip that happens now and then?
Is he happy? Have you talked to each other about your relationship?
Marriage is like a garden or a home or even a bank account, the more you put in the more you get out.
Maybe try telling him something funny so that you laugh together, brush his shoulder lightly as you pass behind him. Give him a peck on the cheek if he does something nice. If you show some affection for him, he may show some for you. Behaviour breeds behaviour.
If I felt like you I would either leave or invest. I wouldn’t continue to feel unhappy, life is far too short.
Forget the anniversary just make each day a better one. Good luck.