Should we celebrate our Golden Wedding?

I’m just about to celebrate my 30th anniversary in one week. I love my husband but not sure I’m ‘in love’ with him he really is a lovely man and I still think he’s gorgeous BUT we haven’t been intimate in a year, I believe there are medical issues but he refuses to go to the doctors, I also don’t think he fancies me which is utterly devastating for me. So I’ve switched off to him. My 3 children have left home in last 2 years to start their lives, all confident happy children so couldn’t be happier for them. But I’m bereft without them. Our lives are generally happy so ultimately I won’t rock the boat. But I am depressed, unfortunately my husband doesn’t believe in ‘mental health’ issues as do my children and doctor so I will just have to cope.
It is hard to give constructive advice as I totally understand how you feel. I can’t afford to split up from my husband and don’t have a support system either. This sounds very dramatic as I ultimately have a good life just not sure if I’m happy? I wish you good luck but if you’re generally happy don’t rush into splitting up, things could be a lot worse, take care x

Hello there.
That's so so sad to hear...have you thought about counselling?....I'm sure by speaking to someone that you can be completely honest with will help you to make a decision

I was the same but for a 40 year marriage so didn't do anything. I would go away for a few dayas on your own thats what i want to do. In recognition of the amazing milestone ypu have reached. I have seen so many couples out walking together during covid some holding hands i confess i stare as i dont know how they do it. Maybe like us either you or your husband has changed and i dont mean got older. Do something for yourself you deserve it.

PEff68, i so concur with much you have said. Im in a 41 year marriage not been intimate for 15 years again medicsl again he wont go to dr. Now so long has passed i wouldnt want intimate anyway. Like you i have depression, i believe a lot if woman feel similar. If was possible i would leave, i too have no inner circle, no close friends. Ive always been the helper the care giver but there is none given back. Try not to think too mucj but ultimately cant stop it so tears are a daily problem. Best wishes to you xx

Quizzer, I beg the question why would you want to celebrate an unhappy marriage?

I sympathise, I’m in a loveless marriage but it’s not easy to walk away from a family home and stability.
I wouldn’t mention it to anyone, I doubt if children will remember. I organised an hotel for our silver anniversary but cannot be bothered anymore! Good luck.

YDOC could have written this myself ive been married 41 years also loveless for 10 he wont go doctors but im no longer bothered and wouldnt want to be intimate with him now, have you been to the doctors regarding your depression? i was prescribed citalopram 10 years ago and they really help me at least they stop the daily crying ive no longer got the guts to leave so i walk my dog have made many doggy friends! i read a lot i meet my friend for a chat and coffee,and now look after myself more than i have done in the past i hope things improve for you xx

The undertone I am picking up is one of equating no sex with a loveless marriage. Yes there could be a physical or psychological (fear of failure to perform) issue, however is there not love shown by bringing you a cup of tea in bed in the morning? All the many little acts of care are also acts of love. As the years pass do we not appreciate so much more about the person than simply the sexual act?

I would do what my sister did after a long, loveless unhappy marriage of 40 years, and that was to leave.

She packed a bag and moved into a rented flat and started a new and happy life. She eventually met a retired French bank manager and they spent their last years travelling the world and staying in each other's flats in France and England.

I hope whatever you decide to do, you find some happiness.

I could have written this post. Will be in the sameposition in a few years time. I don’t think he knows how unhappy I am but must know something isn’t right. The family probably don’t know the date. He used to get me flowers so one year I said to him I wished he would not because we weren’t happy but he just ignored me and walked away. No flowers since and we don’t mention anniversaries. I think on my gold one he may contact the family but hopefully they will put him off as they can see how things are even if he can’t.

Don't say anything, they are hardly likely to realise now. If it should crop up then just say we prefer not to mark it, or say with Covid it feels wrong. They are not stupid and will surely take your lead.

I could have written your original post and have sent you a PM. Hope that is OK.

We only have one life. How very sad that you felt unable to leave earlier on. Assuming you’re now in your seventies - how about being brave for whatever time you have left, it could be 20 to 30 years. Even if it means living more frugally and in a smaller house - see a solicitor to see where you stand financially, remember you’re entitled to half of everything, including pensions.

I remember feeling that my marriage had gone cold and trying to revive things but then found I'd left it too late and my ex had found himself someone online! Once I got over the shock it was a relief to not have to keep trying to make it work. Now I'm happily single and recently retired. Hopefully when covid is less of a problem I'll start fullfilling some of my dreams, travel a bit and downsize to live nearer my adult children.

It's never too late to make a good life for yourself. I was scared I couldn't cope on my own, but I proved myself wrong. I'd been dreading my children leaving home as I knew we had so little in common any more but being alone was no problem. I have plenty friends and interests. Meanwhile ex is with his new woman but I suspect isn't exactly blissfully happy from what my DD has told me.

If you can't pluck up the courage to start afresh I hope you can still find some happiness in your life. As long as your relationship is not abusive you have probably found you just rubbed along ok. But don't deny yourself the chance of happiness if you think things are beyond repair as you may surprise yourself and find you are stronger than you thought.

How about a family barbecue? should / could make it more relaxed, best wishes

geekesse

Many years ago I went to a very posh silver wedding anniversary party, with expensive gifts, speeches, the works. The following day, the happy couple announced that they would be separating, and shortly afterwards they divorced. The many gifts that they had received were divided between them, and I couldn’t help thinking that it was merely a ploy to extract gifts from friends to resource their new separate lives.

WOW!!!!

Quizzer, I feel bad for you and your situation. I would let it slip by if possible, and take yourself off for a weekend alone. It may give you time to reflect and may initiate a conversation between yourself and your husband about the situation.

Very different situation. All we hope for, is a very simple picnic with 2 sons and 2 GCs.