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Friendship not relationship offer

(127 Posts)
Lucyloo12 Thu 15-Apr-21 16:03:56

I have got myself into a bit of a muddle. I befriended a gentleman who is 15 years older than me. We go walking and I thought we were friends, however he now wants more. I have been very clear that friendship is the only thing I want but he says he has feelings for me. He said I have been very nice to him, more than his late wife, and he interpreted this as me wanting more. Today he said he may as well die as he doesn't want a relationship with anyone else. This makes me feel sick. He is lonely and wants me to replace his wife, I'm beginning to feel he is becoming selfish. He wants me to fill the void in his life though has no interest in what I want, or in this case dont. I'm getting irritated now as he tries emotional blackmail. What on earth can I do to stop this. I tried to tactfully tell him I'm not interested and try to encourage him to join clubs, online dating etc but he is so insistent I'm the one. I hate it and don't know what to do. Any Ideas?

grannylyn65 Thu 15-Apr-21 16:06:23

Personally I would reduce then stop contact

3nanny6 Thu 15-Apr-21 16:19:43

I think the same as grannylyn65, if he cannot take no for an answer and wants more than you are prepared to engage in then just tell him you are not available for walks and reduce contact time.

AGAA4 Thu 15-Apr-21 16:20:29

I would steer clear of anyone using emotional blackmail. Tell him he can have you as a friend or not at all.

Blossoming Thu 15-Apr-21 16:20:50

I would cut contact ASAP, let him down lightly if you can, but for your own sake get away. He sounds very needy and controlling.

EllanVannin Thu 15-Apr-21 16:31:15

Ooooh no. This doesn't sound good, especially when comparisons come into the conversation. This man has no respect for you whatsoever and is only thinking about himself.
Give him the big E !

vampirequeen Thu 15-Apr-21 16:33:57

Don't fall for emotional blackmail. Either he accepts your friendship for what it is or you back away completely.

Madgran77 Thu 15-Apr-21 17:44:31

......"When you say * that is emotional blackmail. I will not be emotionally blackmailed! I view you as a friend and I enjoy our walks. However I will never want anything more than friendship. If you can accept that, we can continue to be friends. If you cannot cope with just friendship then our friendship will have to end as I will never want more than friendship. What do you want to do?"

If he carries on without acceptance then say

"It is clear that you cannot accept what I am telling you. Therefore I am going to end our friendship!"

And do exactly that!

Grandmabatty Thu 15-Apr-21 17:51:14

You've had good advice here. I would tell him the friendship is over. I wouldn't get into giving reasons as he will continue to emotionally blackmail you. He's being unpleasant about his late wife and not taking no for an answer. In addition he's trying to pass responsibility for his behaviour to you. You cannot let someone like this down gently. He will never stop.

Galaxy Thu 15-Apr-21 17:58:59

Run. Quite fast.

grandmajet Thu 15-Apr-21 18:06:10

He sounds sad and lonely, but also selfish, as he takes no account of what you want. It sounds as if you have been very clear that you don’t want a relationship other than friendship with him. Maybe it’s time to reduce that to a minimum, and if he persists, stop seeing him altogether.

Tea3 Thu 15-Apr-21 18:09:03


Run. Quite fast.


cornishpatsy Thu 15-Apr-21 18:16:17

You can only reinforce what you have said, you do not want any more than a friendship and if he cannot just be a friend it would be best not to see each other again. Make sure you are clear and do not give him any false hope. Text if it is easier, it is sometimes clearer if seen written.

He does sound a bit dramatic saying he may as well die but dont let that affect you, he will not die.

Fleur20 Thu 15-Apr-21 19:08:55

Walk away. You are not responsible for this persons happiness. And he is not entitled to blackmail you or anyone else into a relationshop you do not want.

Sara1954 Thu 15-Apr-21 19:15:09

I agree with those who say walk away
It sounds rather creepy to me, I think you need to end your friendship now.

Hithere Thu 15-Apr-21 19:16:56

This friendship is already ruined.

Redhead56 Thu 15-Apr-21 19:45:02

I had a friend years ago we went to school grew up same area. We were just friends until I was getting a divorce. He made a pass at me it really upset me as I never looked at him in that way. I made it quite clear I was not interested. Basically we drifted as friends he called around less and I was not available. This guy you made friends with would give me the creeps.

Jaxjacky Thu 15-Apr-21 20:35:01

People like this, rather obsessional, do not understand tactful, you need to be blunt so it is clear, then I would say goodbye, in a public place, not on your own. Good luck.

GagaJo Thu 15-Apr-21 20:40:59

I once said to someone in a similar position, 'I am not your unpaid carer and companion.' Initially he was shocked, but I think it hit home. That was exactly what he wanted. Someone to do the wife work for him.

I didn't do wife work when I WAS a wife. I certainly wouldn't do it for an old gadgie!

Gannygangan Thu 15-Apr-21 20:45:21

Lucyloo12, I agree with those who say blunt is the way to go.

I think you need to extricate yourself from this as soon as you can.

Make sure he knows that you want no more contact and block his phone number.

Katie59 Thu 15-Apr-21 22:00:50

Luckyloo, you need to be firm the friendship is going no further, widowed men are very often looking for a new partner fairly quickly. It’s actually quite difficult to have a platonic relationship, all you can do is have lots of different friends.

SpringyChicken Thu 15-Apr-21 22:42:14

Steer well clear of him. He's interested in himself, not you. This is not a time to pussyfoot around, make it very clear you will not be coerced by his threats. If he still feels he has to die, that's unfortunate but his choice.

Grandmafrench Thu 15-Apr-21 23:01:17

I agree with everyone here. Problem is often that we feel the need to explain and make someone feel better when really it won't work and it's better to Just Stop! If you've only had walks and he is pushing and pushing for more involvement, you've made your decision, so tell him clearly it's not working for you. Please don't give him the choice to agree to a different friendship now - he's ruined it and I doubt you can trust him. He's going to keep going on but he's not your responsibility and you don't need to hang around letting it get any more complicated.
Send him a polite but very firm and unemotional note, if you feel he's going to be hard work or won't listen. Then stop worrying about it.

Grandmafrench Thu 15-Apr-21 23:04:44

And how much do I love Gransnet for the wonderful (and hilarious) new words I learn every day......Old Gadgie? 😂

GagaJo Thu 15-Apr-21 23:08:04

Actually a Geordie term Grandmafrench. Not that I am a Geordie but...