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Friendship not relationship offer

(126 Posts)
Lucyloo12 Thu 15-Apr-21 16:03:56

I have got myself into a bit of a muddle. I befriended a gentleman who is 15 years older than me. We go walking and I thought we were friends, however he now wants more. I have been very clear that friendship is the only thing I want but he says he has feelings for me. He said I have been very nice to him, more than his late wife, and he interpreted this as me wanting more. Today he said he may as well die as he doesn't want a relationship with anyone else. This makes me feel sick. He is lonely and wants me to replace his wife, I'm beginning to feel he is becoming selfish. He wants me to fill the void in his life though has no interest in what I want, or in this case dont. I'm getting irritated now as he tries emotional blackmail. What on earth can I do to stop this. I tried to tactfully tell him I'm not interested and try to encourage him to join clubs, online dating etc but he is so insistent I'm the one. I hate it and don't know what to do. Any Ideas?

geekesse Fri 16-Apr-21 15:26:13

Please, people...

The OP has come back and posted to tell us what she has done, and thanked posters for their contributions.

Please read the thread before posting! It’s not just this thread. It seems that a lot of posters are either too lazy to read the thread, or too determined to have their say, or both.

Kestrel Fri 16-Apr-21 15:28:00

Make sure he can't contact you - block his number etc. He might well try to draw you back in. He sound very controlling.

Kestrel Fri 16-Apr-21 15:28:17


Christo69 Fri 16-Apr-21 15:38:23

Guess you must be disappointed that a satisfactory friendship has morphed into difficult situation -are you feeling guilty for allowing things to progress so far maybe you have been taking advantage of this mans social companionship -knowing he wanted more?
Now you have made a decision it's important to stick to it !

Lucyloo12 Fri 16-Apr-21 15:47:11

Christo69, I dont feel guilty at all. I only showed friendship which he chose to exploit. Feel so much better now I have stood up for myself and not allowed him to take advantage.

Leavesden Fri 16-Apr-21 16:09:06

Good advice.

CarlyD7 Fri 16-Apr-21 16:13:54

I'm sorry but it is too late to put this relationship on any other footing. He clearly wants more and you must not feel guilty about pulling away. It's not what YOU want. Also, look at it this way - by taking that place in his life you are, effectively, blocking him from finding someone who does want a more committed relationship? Time to start untangling this - reduce contact; can you take a third person with you when you meet him? Or you may need to stop contact entirely because as long as you're meeting him, it will keep his hopes alive (sorry) - what we say has little impact sometimes, it's what we DO that makes the impact.

Elvis58 Fri 16-Apr-21 16:21:27

The dynamics of the friendship have changed and you cannot go back.Desist contact and literally walk away.You are not responsible for this mans wants or needs.

LuckyFour Fri 16-Apr-21 16:26:07

Is he fed up of looking after himself, does he want you to cook and clean for him I wonder.
It's nice to have a friend to walk with but you must tell him that is all you want, you're not interested in a closer relationship of any kind.

coastalgran Fri 16-Apr-21 16:51:07

If you don't want this friendship to become anything else then move on and find a new friend to walk with. Perhaps your kindness gave off the wrong signals, some men don't really need much encouragement, merely turning up each day and being pleasant company could be seen as the route to marriage especially if this man is lazy in the dating department.

Grandmabatty Fri 16-Apr-21 17:20:23

Christo69 what an absolutely horrible post. You are blaming the victim for a situation not of her making. What a nasty thing to write.

SylviaPlathssister Fri 16-Apr-21 18:17:29

How lovely to have a younger woman look after you when you get incapable....wouldn’t we all love that.
My friend whose dear husband died tragically, subsequently had a male ask her if he could bring the ingredients round for her to cook him a Sunday Lunch.
She and I laughed at the naive cheek of the bloke. If anything happens to my husband ( God Forgive) the last thing I would be looking for is a chap 15 years older, that expects me to look after him. Avoid like the plague, post.

Kryptonite Fri 16-Apr-21 18:21:18

I think best to not remain friends with him or he won't get the message.

Caligrandma Fri 16-Apr-21 18:45:58

I think I disagree with everyone. It is easy to understand how a man or woman would want something closer especially when we can be lonely. Seems rather cruel to just x someone out of your life. I would continue the walk routine, certainly not increase the number of times, tell him it's flattering however you are only interested in friendship. Nothing wrong with friendship and in this age bracket friendships can be important. Now if you are not enjoying his friendship that's different.

Seajaye Fri 16-Apr-21 18:50:52

As others have said you need to cool the relationship as you know you do not want more than friendship, you do not want him to think you mean yes when you mean no, as he may only hear what he wants to hear.

'Ghosting' lonely people is unkind. If you feel he has crossed the platonic line and you do not want to continue friendship on an exclusive and/or intimate basis, then you must tell him so unequivocally. Even if you might be prepared to continue a platonic friendship, you will need to reduce the frequency of subsequent meet ups, and make sure he knows you are spending time with other friends, so that he is fully aware you are not his friend to the exclusion of others. Platonic friendships between opposite sexes are possible, but if one half wants more, often they have to end for the sake of both people.

Eloethan Fri 16-Apr-21 19:06:50

Lucyloo I think you have done the right thing.

Perhaps if this man was bereft because of the loss of his wife it might explain why he is depressed and needy, and behaving in an inappropriate way. However, since he has spoken in rather unpleasant terms about his late wife, this does not seem to be the case. His badmouthing her would be enough to put me off anyway.

hamster58 Fri 16-Apr-21 19:34:33

This sounds like just the kind of pickle I’d get into, feeling sorry for someone! You must very clearly tell him it’s friendship/walks and that all it can ever be. If that doesn’t suit, it will have to totally cease. If he is faced with no time with you at all, he may accept this. I would also make sure we were always outside, just in case

rafichagran Fri 16-Apr-21 20:00:16

Stop contact, if he has your mobile number, block him. He is far too needy and suffocating.
You have made it very clear to him that you only want friendship and still he takes no notice, as other posters said, run as fast as you can.

luluaugust Fri 16-Apr-21 22:41:39

So glad you have sorted this out LucyLoo, a good friend had a similar problem. The gentleman concerned is now settled down with a 3 times widow who obviously approaches these situations in a different way! A great deal of money involved and distraught family.

Babs758 Fri 16-Apr-21 22:53:42

Well done Lucyloo. That can’t have been easy but the fact they you felt so much better afterwards indicates the background pressure he had been putting in you. He may well try to get in touch following his initial shock at being “dumped”. So be prepared!

Hawera1 Sat 17-Apr-21 00:37:27

A friend had the exact thing happen. In the end she walked away from him.

EilaRose Sat 17-Apr-21 02:18:27

Great work Lucyloo, imho there is no chance of a friendship with this man, he has shown his true colours and sounds really creepy.

I would block him on phone and email in case he tries it on again, sometimes people like this won't take no for an answer. His loneliness is not your responsibility and if he calls to your house, don't hesitate to call the police to have him removed. I've been in this situation and it's not nice, but you have to put yourself first...nobody else will!

Look after yourself and have a great weekend flowers

Roseflower5 Sat 17-Apr-21 20:58:38

Block his numbers

Yorki Sun 18-Apr-21 00:43:13

I don't think you can continue to be friends with this man, he obviously wants you as more than a friend, so to keep meeting up with him is just giving him false hope, regardless of whether you've told him that you don't see him as anymore than a friend. To keep meeting him is blurring the boundaries. It's not fair on either of you, and to continue is asking for trouble on your part.

Yorki Sun 18-Apr-21 01:18:18

Don't you just hate it when men won't take no for an answer, I had this problem when I worked in a supermarket, this man would come to my checkout every single night and ask if he could give me a lift home, I politely declined, then found him waiting outside for me, he asked again if he could give me a lift, so I said I already had a lift, my husband was picking me up. The next night he was waiting for me again , this time I was on my way to the bus station, and he was trying to make out that he was casually looking in a shop window, I literally ran past him and luckily a bus was in, and I jumped on it. I felt sick, I hate being pursued, this man wouldn't stop saying he would give me a lift home. He might have been trying to be helpful, but he was going to an awful lot of trouble to bother me. Ib the end I became quite aloof and he finally got the message, but why do some men think its okay to keep up the harassment, when they've already being told "no". Is it wounded pride, midlife crisis, or just plain desperation. Whichever it is, its creepy and sometimes you just have to be rude to get the message across, anything else could be giving them the thrill of the chase. Ughhh!!! 🤬