Moving on - should I feel guilty?

Firstly well done for taking the first step which is acknowledging that this is not a healthy relationship. You have been with this man for a long time so obviously you will have mixed emotions and doubts. If he had been horrible all the time it would have been clearer to you that he was abusive because that is certainly what he is. Abusive and controlling. You've tried to leave before and changed your mind so you know you can take that step. You need to talk to a lawyer as your husband will say anything to keep you where you are. It takes two people to work on a marriage and he never will.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to quietly start looking for somewhere else to stay. Open up to friends about the awful way you are living. Make sure you have paperwork regarding assets. But speak to a lawyer. My husband and I split up after 20 years and I may not have the affluent lifestyle I could have had, but I'm much more content. Good luck.n

Leave ........this is only going to get worse ...been there and wore two tee shirts it isn’t going to improve only get worse he is what he is Live you own life it really can’t be worse than what you ve already been through for years and years

Enough

Walkandtalk
Make a decision now
But whatever you decide do not move to another area
That’s exactly what he wants to totally control you.
If you do move with him the next step for you will be that your not allowed to leave the house.
I completely understand what a turmoil your in but please try to talk to a friend or family member who can help you.
He’s got your brain exactly where he wants it.

Believe me Walkandtalk thinking about it and worrying is far worse than actually making the break. You have done your best to make the marriage work but your husband has done nothing to improve things.
If your finances are safe look for a furnished place to give you some breathing space. I made two attempts before I actually left but I have never regretted it. Life is too short to suffer any more at the hands of this bully. Go for it and good luck.

My first husband was definitely a controller and was adept at making me doubt myself and even though I was in a senior management position and looked up to at work, at home it was a different matter. He would not speak to me for days, yet if someone called round would be all sweetness and light and they would not see how he was behaving when we were alone. What gave me the courage to leave was seeing my 4 year old watching him do this instant change as someone came to visit and then looking at me. I knew that I did not want my son to grow up light him. so it took a lot of courage but I did leave, taking my son and just left everything behind. He threatened to kill me and kidnap my son, but once I had left I was able to see what he was doing. I have only wished that I had left earlier. Life was difficult for a while but I met my wonderful second husband who was a marvellous step father to my son and a great role model. we had 33 happy years together and now I am a widow but am so glad that I left. Can I suggest that you write down all the reasons you need to leave and put it in an envelope and leave that with either a trusted friend or even put it in your bank for safe keeping so that you will have it to look at when you start to doubt yourself. I got to the point where when I heard his key in the door I used to tense up and feel sick. That is no way to live life, and you may depend upon it that whatever he says to you, the leopard does not change its spots and he will only do things to keep you with him so that he can continue to control you. Put your mind now onto thinking what if anything you really want to keep with you. Look forward to your own life and plan what you might do, do you have friends of long standing who know how your life has been that you could confide in? start looking round to see where you might live, contact probably citizens advice firstly who could point you in the right way. do you own the house jointly or at least do you have your name on deeds or such like things? do you have a joint bank account or do you have one of your own. At the very least open an account at a different bank or building society which has no connection with your previous bank so that you have something sorted. Check if you have a joint account with a solicitor or the citizens advice your situation financially. If you have a joint account you need to be ready to close or deal with it and make sure that you are not responsible for half the debts as if you leave and he spends a lot of money from the account and goes into the red it will affect your credit score and leave you with debts to pay which is another controlling sort of behaviour he could do. Have a list in your mind and start accomplishing these things to give you practical knowledge about matters and most of all if you feel at home in this area with friends and acquaintances DONT move with him. If you move to somewhere you know no one he will definitely gain even more power over your life and you will be stuck with him. I am diabetic myself and sort myself out. We are responsible for ourselves and if we care deeply for someone we do so for love. dont let him use an illness or anything else to control you. You are a human being and entitled to live in any way you want , so long as you dont hurt others. Every day as you go about your ordinary life start doing the ironing and thinking I will take this with me , leave that etc. It is good training for thinking of your new free life. do get the best bit of it all by just working out what you want to take, organise a storage place for stuff if in the beginning you are not sure where you are going and then plan quietly and keep sorting things out and work towards a date and dont keep putting it off. The effort and pain is just the same whenever you have to cope with it so as you cannot minimize it it will be better to do it sooner rather than later. The best bit is that when you are ready, you arrange for a van, put all the things you want into it and go. shut the door on the past misery in that house and ignore him and his move let him sort it out. Nothing to do with you anymore , You will be going back to the person you are , a worthwhile woman with things to look forward to even the simplest thig of sitting where you like and listening to your choice of music. All the effort you have had to put into worrying wht he will say, do , or how he will behave will be gone and your energy will be for your new life. It will be draining and exhausting, I do not pretend it is otherwise but worth it and for me gardening is a great healing thing. If you have your own garden you can go out and do quiet simple things and see how it grows or go and help a community garden. May you have the strength to go sooner rather than later but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and hope that you will regain your own life to do as you please with

Leave him, then take all the steps you can to enjoy life on your own.
Do you have any adult children you can stay with until teverything is sorted out?
Good luck, life is too short to stay with this bully.

Leave. Everything else will fall into place. It did for me.

Oh Walkandtalk leave him! He sounds awful and, I am sure, you deserve much better.
Sending you some and my Best Wishes x

Get support to leave and grow your self esteem from Women’s Aid. You can find them online.

Wishing you all the best for your new, safer future. You deserve it. ?

Being diabetic does not excuse him being an abuser

Please leave now. You should have done it a long time ago

I think the sooner you can get away from this bully the better. I’m glad you’ve had advice and your finances are ok.