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Moving on - should I feel guilty?

(87 Posts)
Walkandtalk Thu 15-Apr-21 23:42:02

I have been married for over 40 years, but not very happily. He tries to control me and can be very nasty, and then switches on the charm, which then makes me think everything will be OK. now.
I have tried to leave a few times but each time he has persuaded me to stay, saying we would both end up paupers if we split up, and that we have a good marriage and just need to work at it.
However the past 5 years have got worse. He has accused me of having someone else- not true- and has took my diary. He demands to see my bank statements and then queries every transaction. He doesn’t like me socialising with my friends, and doesn’t speak to me for months if I do anything he doesn’t like. He says he doesn’t trust me or respect me.

Now he has decided he wants to move to another area, where it’s warmer. Where we live now was supposed to be our forever home. The house is on the market, though at an inflated price so it will take a while to sell.

So why am I feeling guilty if I leave him as he is a Type 1 Diabetic? I feel I’m going round in circles.

Also I would have to help with the packing and selling of furniture, so is it more sensible to stay until the house is sold, and that could take a long time, or should I just leave and move into furnished accommodation until the house is sold?

As you can tell I’m very mixed up and can’t see the wood for the trees. I have been to see a solicitor, worked out my finances - I can just afford to live on my own for 2 years - and have also had counselling, where I was told I have low self esteem, which maybe the reason why I have difficulty making a decision and to act upon it.

I welcome your advice, to help clarify my thoughts.

Blossoming Thu 15-Apr-21 23:49:39

I think the sooner you can get away from this bully the better. I’m glad you’ve had advice and your finances are ok.

Hithere Fri 16-Apr-21 02:34:42

Being diabetic does not excuse him being an abuser

Please leave now. You should have done it a long time ago

Ohmother Fri 16-Apr-21 04:16:08

Get support to leave and grow your self esteem from Women’s Aid. You can find them online.

Wishing you all the best for your new, safer future. You deserve it. 💐

DanniRae Fri 16-Apr-21 08:04:12

Oh Walkandtalk leave him! He sounds awful and, I am sure, you deserve much better.
Sending you some flowers and my Best Wishes x

keepingquiet Fri 16-Apr-21 08:29:23

Leave. Everything else will fall into place. It did for me.

rafichagran Fri 16-Apr-21 08:31:19

Leave him, then take all the steps you can to enjoy life on your own.
Do you have any adult children you can stay with until teverything is sorted out?
Good luck, life is too short to stay with this bully.

madeleine45 Fri 16-Apr-21 08:36:22

My first husband was definitely a controller and was adept at making me doubt myself and even though I was in a senior management position and looked up to at work, at home it was a different matter. He would not speak to me for days, yet if someone called round would be all sweetness and light and they would not see how he was behaving when we were alone. What gave me the courage to leave was seeing my 4 year old watching him do this instant change as someone came to visit and then looking at me. I knew that I did not want my son to grow up light him. so it took a lot of courage but I did leave, taking my son and just left everything behind. He threatened to kill me and kidnap my son, but once I had left I was able to see what he was doing. I have only wished that I had left earlier. Life was difficult for a while but I met my wonderful second husband who was a marvellous step father to my son and a great role model. we had 33 happy years together and now I am a widow but am so glad that I left. Can I suggest that you write down all the reasons you need to leave and put it in an envelope and leave that with either a trusted friend or even put it in your bank for safe keeping so that you will have it to look at when you start to doubt yourself. I got to the point where when I heard his key in the door I used to tense up and feel sick. That is no way to live life, and you may depend upon it that whatever he says to you, the leopard does not change its spots and he will only do things to keep you with him so that he can continue to control you. Put your mind now onto thinking what if anything you really want to keep with you. Look forward to your own life and plan what you might do, do you have friends of long standing who know how your life has been that you could confide in? start looking round to see where you might live, contact probably citizens advice firstly who could point you in the right way. do you own the house jointly or at least do you have your name on deeds or such like things? do you have a joint bank account or do you have one of your own. At the very least open an account at a different bank or building society which has no connection with your previous bank so that you have something sorted. Check if you have a joint account with a solicitor or the citizens advice your situation financially. If you have a joint account you need to be ready to close or deal with it and make sure that you are not responsible for half the debts as if you leave and he spends a lot of money from the account and goes into the red it will affect your credit score and leave you with debts to pay which is another controlling sort of behaviour he could do. Have a list in your mind and start accomplishing these things to give you practical knowledge about matters and most of all if you feel at home in this area with friends and acquaintances DONT move with him. If you move to somewhere you know no one he will definitely gain even more power over your life and you will be stuck with him. I am diabetic myself and sort myself out. We are responsible for ourselves and if we care deeply for someone we do so for love. dont let him use an illness or anything else to control you. You are a human being and entitled to live in any way you want , so long as you dont hurt others. Every day as you go about your ordinary life start doing the ironing and thinking I will take this with me , leave that etc. It is good training for thinking of your new free life. do get the best bit of it all by just working out what you want to take, organise a storage place for stuff if in the beginning you are not sure where you are going and then plan quietly and keep sorting things out and work towards a date and dont keep putting it off. The effort and pain is just the same whenever you have to cope with it so as you cannot minimize it it will be better to do it sooner rather than later. The best bit is that when you are ready, you arrange for a van, put all the things you want into it and go. shut the door on the past misery in that house and ignore him and his move let him sort it out. Nothing to do with you anymore , You will be going back to the person you are , a worthwhile woman with things to look forward to even the simplest thig of sitting where you like and listening to your choice of music. All the effort you have had to put into worrying wht he will say, do , or how he will behave will be gone and your energy will be for your new life. It will be draining and exhausting, I do not pretend it is otherwise but worth it and for me gardening is a great healing thing. If you have your own garden you can go out and do quiet simple things and see how it grows or go and help a community garden. May you have the strength to go sooner rather than later but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and hope that you will regain your own life to do as you please with

sodapop Fri 16-Apr-21 08:46:16

Believe me Walkandtalk thinking about it and worrying is far worse than actually making the break. You have done your best to make the marriage work but your husband has done nothing to improve things.
If your finances are safe look for a furnished place to give you some breathing space. I made two attempts before I actually left but I have never regretted it. Life is too short to suffer any more at the hands of this bully. Go for it and good luck.

MerylStreep Fri 16-Apr-21 08:48:27

Walkandtalk
Make a decision now
But whatever you decide do not move to another area
That’s exactly what he wants to totally control you.
If you do move with him the next step for you will be that your not allowed to leave the house.
I completely understand what a turmoil your in but please try to talk to a friend or family member who can help you.
He’s got your brain exactly where he wants it.

BlueBelle Fri 16-Apr-21 08:54:26

Leave ........this is only going to get worse ...been there and wore two tee shirts it isn’t going to improve only get worse he is what he is Live you own life it really can’t be worse than what you ve already been through for years and years

Enough

Grandmabatty Fri 16-Apr-21 09:07:17

Firstly well done for taking the first step which is acknowledging that this is not a healthy relationship. You have been with this man for a long time so obviously you will have mixed emotions and doubts. If he had been horrible all the time it would have been clearer to you that he was abusive because that is certainly what he is. Abusive and controlling. You've tried to leave before and changed your mind so you know you can take that step. You need to talk to a lawyer as your husband will say anything to keep you where you are. It takes two people to work on a marriage and he never will.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to quietly start looking for somewhere else to stay. Open up to friends about the awful way you are living. Make sure you have paperwork regarding assets. But speak to a lawyer. My husband and I split up after 20 years and I may not have the affluent lifestyle I could have had, but I'm much more content. Good luck.n

Nannylovesshopping Fri 16-Apr-21 09:27:39

Please leave and have a contented life, Madeleine45 your advice is spot on, every controlled abused wife/husband should have a copy of this tucked away to refer to when the decision is made. 💐💐 for you both

henetha Fri 16-Apr-21 10:02:01

Sit down and ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. It sounds an unhappy life to me. It is perfectly possible to start a new life; I did it, and lots of other women.
It may not be easy, but look upon it as a challenge.
There is good advice in the posts above.
Sending you good wishes for your future.

JaneJudge Fri 16-Apr-21 10:05:43

You have posted about this before haven't you? sad You need to ring women's aid. We can't help you be safe, you need to seek that out with someone who can protect you to a certain extent.

JaneJudge Fri 16-Apr-21 10:06:35

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw6-SDBhCMARIsAGbI7UhyLsFKzybFnRolfDzpdi657kwDF1bEVLk3wOJ15a9BMf8f02Ri6T4aArwVEALw_wcB

muse Fri 16-Apr-21 10:21:18

You have given 40 years to this man and the marriage. Leave a nnd build your life again. If* JaneJudge* is right in you posting before, please take her wise advise.

I've been in your position of being on the verge. I finally did go and you cope. Better than you will ever imagine. Take care.

Walkandtalk Fri 16-Apr-21 12:36:55

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and advice.

JaneJudge No I haven’t posted about this before , though I admit it probably seems a very familiar story. I shall contact Women’s Aid.

madeleine45 Thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to write such a detailed response. Could I PM you as there are a few things I’d like to ask?

I know my husband will make it very difficult for me, regarding finances and my responsibilities for selling the house.
I have to be brave, and it’s not easy to leave, but as sodapop says it’s probably worse thinking about it and worrying than actually doing it.
Last time I tried to leave I even rented an apartment for 6 months, but after 6 weeks went back, because he was so upset and promised things would be better.

midgey Fri 16-Apr-21 12:51:34

Chin up, it’s sounds like you have made your decision. The very best of luck....you can do it!

Esspee Fri 16-Apr-21 13:00:16

I wish you well in your new life free from the stresses he caused you. You won’t regret it.

Pammie1 Fri 16-Apr-21 13:08:36

Him being a diabetic shouldn’t make any difference to your resolve to leave. You’re his wife, not his carer. I dont know how you’ve put up with this for forty years but I wouldn’t do so for a minute longer. Making the decision to leave and then following through will be very freeing for you and will hopefully make you realise that you’re stronger than you think. Certainly strong enough to make sure that the division of assets is fair. Good luck

vampirequeen Fri 16-Apr-21 13:12:14

The time has come to plan your escape. Get legal advice if there is property and money involved. Find somewhere to live. Take a small property on a six month or 12 month lease. This gives you some breathing space. It's surprising how little stuff you need to be happy.

Set your date and leave. Escaping from an abusive, controlling bully was the best thing I ever did. I left with nothing but it was so worth it.

V3ra Fri 16-Apr-21 13:16:19

Walkandtalk so you've actually done it before, but ended up going back.
So you know you can do it, this time you need to hold your nerve. A good friend to support you when you waver, in real life or on here, will help massively I'm sure.

What incredibly brave stories to read. I'm full of admiration for you all.

AGAA4 Fri 16-Apr-21 17:01:43

Walkandtalk no you shouldn't feel guilty and yes you should move on and find a better life.

Madgran77 Fri 16-Apr-21 19:20:37

His controlling behaviour is why you are struggling to see the wood for the trees. Demanding to see bank statements, querying every transaction, accusations, cutting you off from friends ...this is coercive control and you are SO brave to be managing to consider leaving, to have consulted a solicitor, to have got yourself a counsellor.

Now you have to take the next big step ...is there a friend you can confide in, stay with, support you in moving maybe? You need support to break away from coercive control ...you are doing so well to have got this far in the process, now prepare yourself for the next step and take it. flowers