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I've been debating writing this for some time now and now I've now finally reached the end of my own ability to try to solve the problem alone. So, here i am writing this in hopes that maybe someone can help me untangle the Godawful mess that I've so stupidly made for myself
I'm going try to be as blunt and honest as I can about the mistakes I've made in this situation because unless you know the true scope of the issue there's no way any advice given to me here will be useful. I'm well aware that what I've done reflects badly on me and my family and I fully acknowledge that what I did was wrong and utterly beyond the pale. It was unacceptable and inexcusable but I can't change what I did. All I can do is move forward and try to do better.
I have 3 children. One boy and two girls. My eldest 23/m was always closest to me. I had him when I was quite young and for the first 4 years of his life it was just the two of us. Eventually I met my current husband and my girls came along in due course after we married. My son tragically passed in a car accident on his 23rd birthday. He'd been out with some friends drinking to celebrate and at the end of the evening when the bar closed he foolishly got behind the wheel of his car and then tried to drive home. He never made it, because a mile or so from our home he wrapped his car around a telephone pole going 80. My precious baby boy was killed on impact. I was devastated by the loss. I can’t possibly describe the depths of my suffering. Mothers aren’t supposed to have favorites... but The honest truth is that I did and it was my son and when I lost my him it felt like half my heart died with him. About two weeks after his death I was contacted over social media by a young woman claiming that my son was the father of her unborn child.
At first I was excited. The baby would be a part of my son. A piece of him still alive....but I was also confused because my son didn’t have a girlfriend that he ever told me about before his passing. He was a good kid. Smart, motivated, respectful and churchgoing. He told me everything..but he never said a word about this girl. It bothered me. Something didn’t feel right so I decided to do a little investigating about the girl and the more I looked into her life the less I liked what I saw. She was loud, foul mouthed and dressed poorly. She had no faith that I could tell from any of her online activities and even worse she came from a broken home. She wasn't the sort of person our family would normally ever associate themselves with and and after going though her IG and Social media thoroughly I honestly couldn’t imagine my son ever giving a girl like that the time of day much less being intimate with her and fathering her child. My husband and I are very financially comfortable and because of that I immediately suspected that this girl was just a golddigger trying to get a payday since my son could no longer defend himself or deny her claims. I was furious. I called her up and told her in no uncertain terms that I was wise to her scam and ( may God forgive me) that she and her bastard were no kin to me or my family and that as far as me and my family were concerned they needed to go back to whatever gutter they’d crawled out of and stay away from our family during our time of grief and that she should be ashamed of herself for attempting to prey on a bereaved family just to get money.
I was wrong to say those things. What I said was arrogant and stupid and I wish so much that I could go back in time and slap my self witless for even thinking such a thing about anybody much less saying it out loud but I can’t...and the damage was done regardless. It didn't end there. It should have. I wish that it had because if it had I might not be where I am now. Maybe she would have forgiven me.
About a week after that call I found out that the girl ( I’ll call her M) actually worked at the very bar my son was at the night of his accident. I was livid. I was grieving still and I became absolutely convinced that M was somehow involved in my son’s tragic death. That it was her fault he drove drunk that night somehow. It wasn’t. I know now that she wasn’t even working that night...but at the time I didnt care about truth—-i just wanted someone to blame for my pain that wasn’t my son.
I wanted to punish M for what i believed she’d done so I told anybody who would listen my crackpot theory and as i intended word got around quickly. It’s a very small town and my family is very very well known in our community. The result was that my family’s friends and associates weren’t kind to M. I wasn’t kind to M either, and to my shame i admit that I harassed her. I made it my mission to make her life as uncomfortable as I could. I even sunk so low that I convinced her OBGYN to
Drop her as a patient. I said awful things to her when I saw her and about her behind her back. I am so, so ashamed of how I behaved. I took my grief for my son out on M and others followed my lead and did the same. Eventually M had my grandson and when I checked her facebook to see if I could guess who the baby’s real father was my blood ran cold.
M’s precious baby looked exactly like my son did when he was a baby. Identical. Right down to his crooked little pinky finger and fuzzy hair. I knew I had made a terrible mistake in that moment, and that I had to somehow mend fences with M so I could see my baby but before I could really wrap my head around the situation M packed up my newborn grandson and moved out of state. She cut off her phone and left no forwarding address. I’m fortunate that she didn’t delete her social media as well.
Not long after she left my fears were confirmed for sure. There was a new DNA match on a genealogy site I use for my hobby and M’s son was without a doubt my grandchild.
I was devastated. I knew then that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I immediately sent M a message on the site and asked her to contact me ASAP. To my relief she did and once I had her on the phone I tried my best to apologize for what I’d said and what I’d done to her and then I begged her for the chance to be a grandmother to my grandson.
To my horror, in response to my pain and apology M only laughed at me and outright refused, saying that she and ‘her bastard’ are quite happy in their gutter and that tbey didnt need us. M told me point blank that my family and I would see the baby over her dead body and that she hopes that it eats me alive for the rest of my life to know that there’s a piece of my son still alive...but that I will never ever meet him.
The vindictive cruelty of it took my breath away and when I said as much M’s response was “Do you like it? I learned it from you.” And the she just...hung up on me. I called a hundred times but all my calls went to voicemail and the next day the number didn’t work anymore. My heart shattered into a million pieces. The worst of it is that M is right. She did learn it from me. I treated her so cruelly for no good reason at all. God offered me a precious gift and instead of accepting it gratefully I was prideful and arrogant and awful to this poor girl that I didn’t even know. All because I thought she was ‘beneath’ my family. I was wrong. I was so wrong and now I’m paying the price for it.
Ever since that day I’ve been doing anything and everything I can think of to try and convince M to let me see my grandson. I hired someone to find out her address and I’ve sent them both gifts and cards and money but no matter what sent it always gets returned. Even the money. I know she’s a single mother and that money is an issue for her but M flat out refuses to let us help her. She’d rather raise my grandson in abject poverty than accept anything from me or my family. I just want to make amends and see to it that my grandson has a good life but M won’t give so much as an inch. She’s denying my grandson so many opportunities purely out of spite and nothing I do seems to help. If anything it just makes her more angry. My grandson is all I have left of my son, how can I mend this relationship with M so that I can be a part of his life?
I’ve accepted that what I did to M was wrong. I know that I’ve made terrible choices but knowing that my grandson is out there in need and living in an unsafe environment when he doesn’t need to and that he has no idea how precious he is to our family is killing me inside. I feel like I’ve betrayed my son’s memory by allowing his child to go without ...all in the name of my own pride. Please. Help me fix this because I’ve run out of ideas entirely.
I already told you I hired someone to find her and my grandson. There was no way I was letting this girl vanish into the ether with my son’s only child. Finding people isn’t difficult if you give the task to a professional.
As others have said Babies don’t have their DNA put on genealogy websites I think you have to be 18 !!!
Consultants don’t stop dealing with patients because someone tells them to how ever much clout you think you have in your small town !!!
This gets less believable as posts go by
If you are for real look after the husband and girls you have and get yourself some grief counselling and leave the girl and baby alone you ve done enough damage for a lifetime, try and do some good with your ‘wealth and power’ and leave her and her baby out of your equation
I am afraid this all sounds like the beginning of a particularly badly written book. Sorry.
I don’t think I believe it either but what leapt out at me was this
“ She had no faith that I could tell from any of her online activities and even worse she came from a broken home”
So that’s my two sons written off as worthless in that case.
Lucca especially as the OP says that she was a single parent for 4 years. Pot and kettle.
Anyway if it’s a book, there are a lot of plot holes that will need fixing before it gets published.
I'm very sorry for your loss but I can't see that as an excuse for what you say you did. I do understand how painful it is to lose a child suddenly in young adulthood.
Please let her vanish into the ether.
a book in progress,
I don't believe it either but am prepared to go along with it just in case. Truth can be stranger than fiction. I don't believe a baby has DNA on a site though.
Its incredibly frustrating that I could explain why those things occurred but can’t because it would make me easily identifiable. Believe me or don’t, your choice. I frankly don’t see what reason I could possibly have to set myself up to be publicly shamed by making myself the horse’s behind of my own story rather than the innocent party... this isn’t fun for me. I don’t like being wrong. No one does. I was just hoping for constructive feedback on how to fix this situation. I’m not making excuses for what I did or asking for praise or pity.
Karma. Also don’t believe it. IF it is true then kudos to the girl ?
Sympathy for your loss.
Move on . There is nothing more you can do.
"I was just hoping for constructive feedback on how to fix this situation."
Most here seem to indicate that you can't fix this situation. I think your best bet is to back off and hope that, in time, you may be able to reconnect if she can forgive you when some water has passed under the bridge.
You seem to do a good job of owning what you did and understanding how unacceptable it was. Maybe wait a year or three, write a letter taking full responsibility for what happened and how wrong it was. Let her know that you understand why she would want nothing to do with you but you hope in time she can forgive you. Then disappear from her life unless she contacts you. That's my thought on it anyway.
My heart goes out to you losing your son, BUT to go in on this girl guns blazing is totally unforgivable, absolutely disgusting! I’ve never heard anything like it, you’ve ruined the girls reputation, and you are only interested in your grandson, Good on the girl! Why should she build bridges with you ever! You got your just desserts !
I am sorry you lost your son
Now I think you need to get counselling to help you to accept that sadly your behaviour has blocked any realistic chance of your grandchild's mum being willing to have any contact with you. I have to say that if someone had treated me as you describe I would never be willing to let my child have contact with them. I would never feel able to trust that person around my child. And I am generally a person who will try to mend fences, by open and honest discussion. In these circumstances I would not.
I am sorry that you have learnt such a hard hard lesson. Please get counselling to help you move forward with your life.
BallroomGranny73
I already told you I hired someone to find her and my grandson. There was no way I was letting this girl vanish into the ether with my son’s only child. Finding people isn’t difficult if you give the task to a professional.
So, you are a stalker as well as being vindictive and controlling!
If you do attend church regularly then I would suggest you talk to your minister about your actions.
I assume you are in the USA because most people in the UK wouldn't take against someone because they didn't attend church, and remember 'Judge not lest ye be judged'.
I'm not religious, and it has a lot to do with people like you.
Ballroomgranny So sorry for the loss of your dear son 
Your son and this girl may have been in love, but your son knew you would disapprove of her. They may have eloped once he knew he was going to be a dad [if he didn't already know]. You must have hurt her badly with your unkind words and she had to leave her home town because of the trouble you stirred up for her. Can't think she would ever forgive you, she was grieving too, for her future husband possibly and father of her child!
Grieve is a terrible thing. It is said not to make decisions in the first year of grief. I've been told you can put a baby's DNA on a genealogy site as long as you don't give identifying details [how that works I don't know].
Your question is ...lHow to fix it ?
My answer leave this strong young lady alone and hopefully concentrate on your two daughters who must be damaged to know all your love went to your son and if they have any children now or in the future be a good grandmother to them and get some psychological help to stop being a vindictive person who looks down on anyone with less money, less clout and doesn’t walk in the ‘high circles’ you obviously want us to think you walk in
lucca funny how maybe three profession children grew into such fine adults too?
When you say you would be easily identifiable and presuming you’re in USA as you say the babies mum ‘moved out of state’ perhaps you belong to a certain ex politicians family ? sounds about arrogant enough
Leave them alone concentrate on those you have around you and move on
The way you treated that girl was way over the top. You didn't have to be quite SO mean to her, even if the child wasn't your son's.
You put great store if a person is a church goer, but your actions have shown a far from Christian attitude. You're a snob, who looks down on others.
You need to leave the girl alone.
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The problem is you went further than the point of being able to make things right and that’s why no-one can believe what you are admitting to having done. If it were possible I think the only way would be through someone else like your church minister or a counsellor but if I were M well!
What a terrible situation BallroomGranny. The tragic death of your much loved son and then being told by someone you'd never met or heard of, that she was carrying his child via social media just 2 weeks after his death, no wonder you didn't believe her.
I'm also not convinced as to the truth of your OP but if it is true, can only begin to try and understand the chain of events once you'd been given this news as being due to your grief and shock. That said the treatment M received from you and your friends is quite frankly shocking.
You've posted that you've learned your lesson about jumping to conclusions and yet in your OP have written "knowing that my grandson is out there in need and living in an unsafe environment". His mother may be financially poor but you don't know he's in need or living in an unsafe environment.
There's more to a happy and secure childhood than money.
Leave M and her son alone, concentrate on the family you do have and treasure the memories of the son you lost.
If M had behaved so disgustingly towards you as you did to her I think you would be the last person on earth who would be able to forgive her.
Why do you think she should let you see her son just because it is what you want?
Money and power mean nothing you don't deserve to see this child and they are much better off not having you in their lives
I'm sorry you lost your son but thank God that he never killed anyone else's child
It’s difficult to know how to start. People can sink to all kinds of depths when something as shocking as a death of a child occurs, and it seems this is what you did. Whether you were in your right mind or not...is debatable.
I can understand how this could happen, but also know it is done now, and the ball is no longer in your court.
It sounds like you’re a Christian. We get it wrong just as anybody else...but at least we can go to God. You know what you need to do in prayer.
As for ‘ M’. You have to let her go, but I think you know that. Then maybe, sometime in the future, things may happen differently. For now though, just enjoy what you do have, and keep apologising to her, through God. He knows the best way forward, trust Him.?
I will post as though this were true.
You should leave them alone.
You’ve shown who you are. And that person is awful. Blood means nothing.
She needs to protect her child from your poison so that it doesn’t rub off onto him.
She is right to protect him and you need to live with the consequences of your actions. You only care because of this baby. You don’t actually feel bad about what you did.
Just that it’s now affecting you.
She was right to laugh at you. What a turn of events I couldn’t help but laugh either.
That baby is better off living poor than around you.
Pity you acted so hastily before the child was born, then you could have approached the girl about offering to pay for a DNA test to make absolutely certain that it was your grandchild.
We've all done things that we've regretted at some point and in this case if things can't be solved then I'd let it go.
Are you in America ? You mentioned states.
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