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Can't understand best friend's thinking

(31 Posts)
Susysue Sat 01-May-21 13:26:03

Hi all you lovely ladies. Some of you will have read my previous post "another failed marriage" and I am humbled by all your support. Well another curve ball of hurt has been thrown my way by my best friend, who is also the one friend who knows most about my marital situation, so her actions are even more hurtful and my head is bursting!! The other evening she stormed round to my house, my husband went to the door. I was waiting for her to come in but she didn't. Next thing my husband and her disappear in her car. I wasn't panicked at that point as her and her husband have serious problems with a neighbour of theirs and I thought she had come down to get my husband to come and help (the police have been involved, one episode was that the neighbour cut the electricity to my friends house!! ) Anyway eventually she came back with my husband, dropped him off and drove away. He comes into the house and I asked what had been going on. He handed me a bag containing a gold box. I said "what's this" well to cut a long and painful story short, my best friend had taken my husband to a side road and started to tell him that according to her, I was having an affair with her husband, including having given him this gift of expensive aftershave which she had found hidden in the bag. She also told my husband all the other things which in her mind had happened. On my children's lives, all of this is complete fabrication and none of it is true, including the gift which I have never seen before. This is not the first time that my friend has said that her husband is having an affair. She turned me and other friends against another friend as she claimed this friend was chasing her husband and had had a thing with him. I believed her at the time but now finding myself in the same situation, I now believe this is rubbish too. There has been other quite bizarre things which have supposed to have happened but now I question the validity of those too. Her mother took dementia at a young age and died in her 60's from it and I am now wondering if this is the problem. I have texted her but have had no reply, saying that I am categorically not having any fling with her husband etc. Thankfully though he may have many faults, my husband believes me. I am so distressed about all of this. She is normally a fun, loving, caring friend but once before, a couple of years ago, she threw a wobbly over something absolutely trivial and didn't speak to me for about a month. I forgave her for that but this is huge. I just cannot understand her thinking. We have spent most of lockdown supporting each other, yet she does this. I feel I have been thrown under a bus, at a time when she knows full well that my mental health is in my boots. I feel completely overwhelmed by everything going wrong in my life.But I also am extremely worried about her mental health. How can this move forward? X

keepingquiet Sat 01-May-21 13:50:25

Why are you friends with this woman?
You say you have been supporting each other during lockdown but are going into each others cars and houses???
If you are concerned about her mental health I would contact your local mental health care team or see your own GP.
Then, back off and concentrate on yourself.

Grandmabatty Sat 01-May-21 13:57:56

You can't do anything except cut her off. If she is being hurtful and unkind then don't add to her dramatic nonsense. Any mental health issues she has are hers alone. She is responsible for her behaviour.

Kamiso Sat 01-May-21 13:57:58

Jealousy is a truly evil thing. It distorts people’s thinking and therefore their actions. Glad at least that your OH believes you. For everyone’s sake, including hers, it does need to be reported.

Kim19 Sat 01-May-21 14:11:12

If what you say here is true, and I have no reason to doubt it, then you must (should have already) cut off every line or type of communication with this ex 'friend'. Certainly would not be my interpretation. Don't ever seek apology or recrimination just cut her off at source. She will undoubtedly be the loser. The first few weeks may be difficult but stick to your guns. This kind of 'friendship' is irrecoverable in my opinion and think you are well rid. However, it hadn't occurred to me but, there may some merit in reporting her actions in the interests of her own mental health and that could be an indirect kindness. Not sure........

vampirequeen Sat 01-May-21 14:21:45

Cut her out of your life. You don't need her. If she's got this idea into her head it doesn't matter what you say or do. You'll be banging your head against a brick wall for no reason.

dragonfly46 Sat 01-May-21 14:32:23

How old is your friend? When my mum was going through the menopause she too believed all sorts of things. She accused me of giving her door key to strangers, she thought people were following her and my dad was trying to poison her. Eventually a psychiatrist was involved and she was put on anti depressants which of course slowed her down but after taking one tablet she rang me and said she realised it was all in her head.

She never completely recovered as she stopped taking the tablets after a time so she was always a little suspicious but never as bad again.

It sounds to me as if your friend has a mental illness.

ExD Sat 01-May-21 14:44:57

A similar thing happened to me with a work colleague, and I'd never even met her husband.
I wasted a lot of time and emotion trying to convince her she was imagining it all - but it was a mistake and only made things worse. Cut her off, as everyone is advising. The more you protest your innocence the more she'll be convinced she's right.
Delete her phone number, do not contact her in any way however much you want to help her. She needs professional help, but I'm not sure what you can do about that, others may have that knowledge.
It's horrible when you lose a friend this way, like a bereavement.

sharon103 Sat 01-May-21 14:47:59

I'm thinking the same as dragonfly46.
I've known a few women who have been way out of character during the menopause.
One friend kept leaving her husband for another man, then going back, leaving again, and so it went on. She finally settled back down with her husband.
I've heard of women shop lifting who I'd never imagine would do that in a million years, and were well off.
I would go no contact with her for the time being.

Pantglas2 Sat 01-May-21 14:50:42

She’s not your best friend Susy! Heaven help you if she is!

Newatthis Sat 01-May-21 14:56:59

Not a friend I would want. Not only has she done many things in the past which a true friend wouldn't do but now this. I'm surprised she has you or any friends.

MerylStreep Sat 01-May-21 15:01:25


Jealousy is a truly evil thing. It distorts people’s thinking and therefore their actions. Glad at least that your OH believes you. For everyone’s sake, including hers, it does need to be reported.

Reported to who? What crime has been committed?

Susysue Sat 01-May-21 15:06:49

Thank you for all your advice. She is 54. I think she has many issues but has before been a good friend. She has now texted and apologised, saying she needs therapy. I feel bereft, trying to empathise but feel my trust has Neen broken

Madgran77 Sat 01-May-21 15:21:30

It is good that she has apologised but I think she needs to get support from elsewhere and you need to concentrate completely on what is happening in your own life and sorting out your own situation as discussed in the other thread.

I suggest you agree with her that she needs therapy or counselling; tell her that you can't be a listening ear at the moment because you are dealing with your own life; don't tell her anything else about your situation, as she appears not well herself, you can't be sure she wont tell your husband; and then back off and focus on sorting out the very difficult situation that you are in flowers

Susysue Sat 01-May-21 15:30:14

Thank you madgran77, I think your advice is spot on and will heed your valuable advice xx

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 01-May-21 15:30:37

Have you spoken to her husband ?

At the very least he should be told what she has done, if she has problems then he is the one to help her, not you.

Cut her off now and don’t fall for her apology.

BlueBelle Sat 01-May-21 15:38:44

You can’t report her for what to whom ? and you can’t ring mental health or her Gp (she has to do that)
I m glad she’s apologised but as others have said unfortunately she may have another ‘episode’ whatever may be causing it (does she do drugs ?)
I would acknowledge her apology and tell her she has done the right thing in recognising and looking for help but tell her you won’t be in contact until she is in a better place as you can’t risk your own marriage and life and then keep well away

Shelflife Sat 01-May-21 16:33:49

Keep well away from this ' friend'. You have more than enough sorting your own life out just now !!!!! She may well be ill but that is not your responsibility. Look after yourself , that is your priority at the moment.

dragonfly46 Sat 01-May-21 16:51:57

I find this all very sad. My Mum lost a lot of friends when she had her mental breakdown. If you can support her but not at the expense of your own mental health. Don't abandon her altogether. She has apologised and accepted she needs help. By all means keep your distance but try to keep in touch.

Nonogran Sat 01-May-21 18:13:48

Dump her until you've got yourself sorted out. You need peace & calm around you right now.
Keep out of her way. If you don't, we can only assume you thrive on drama. This is your time to look ahead - don't get dragged down by her issues.
I hope life works out ok for you. Keep us posted.

Susysue Sat 01-May-21 18:18:30

Thank you nonogran. I don't thrive on drama and just want a happy peaceful life but do find it goes against my beliefs to turn my back on people but you are right that I need to be in a stronger place myself x

jeanie99 Sat 08-May-21 13:31:54

Clearly this lady needs help but it's not for you to support her that is for others.
Look to your own life and family and avoid this lady, sometimes it's best to move on.

Forsythia Sat 08-May-21 17:33:45

If it were me, I’d just quietly drop her. Don’t text, phone or whatever. Nobody needs this in their lives. Who knows what her next accusations may be? You can always say you’re focusing on your own family. Be sure to tell your husband that you are dropping her and why. I hope he supports you.

Pepper59 Sat 08-May-21 17:42:44

If your trust in this friend has been broken, I'd just avoid/ignore. Seems she has a track record of this. Id be on tenterhooks wondering what she would do next. Up to you but personally I would not be interested in being friends with a person who spreads rumours, she is dangerous.

lemsip Sat 08-May-21 17:48:11

your husband should not be getting in her car and going anywhere with her.