Moving in together

Sorry. I’d stay where you are. At least for a while. It’s your choice how you manage your family and your money. No one else’s. I have a somewhat similar situation altho I do live with my partner and he won’t take money as he’s scared I can ‘claim his house is mine’ ?‍♀️ I know he harbours a resentment that my dD lives in my house but he’s got over himself. He’s no angel with his kids in relation to fairness and money. Don’t be bullied. I hope it works out for you.

You have only been together two years and she is trying to dictate what you do with your money . You have no financial responsibility to her children . Where is their father in all this? I would tread very carefully and wait until your daughter has finished her course. When I got with my partner I made it very clear that my house that I had owned for years before we met would be kept for the benefit of my children. I rented my house out and we bought one jointly . We recently split after 20 years and I am so glad I kept my house. I am having to fight for my share of the joint house though . Make sure everything is tied up legally whatever you decide.

Yes red flags for me too. Don’t let your girlfriend of two years drive a wedge between you and your daughter. I’ve seen this old chestnut in my group of friends where the new partner creates friction with their children and creates distance or estrangement.

My children have both lived with me well over the age of 18 and they would be welcome to move back if they ever needed to.

I’d wait this move out until you get the feel for this relationship and if you do join finances get a prenup and put any other assets in a trust for your daughter. (But if you were a friend I would advise not to move in)

Please think very carefully about this situation, OP. You don’t have to move in with your new partner. If they don’t like it, well you were right not to do so.

Please take the advice from BlueBelle and RedHead56.
Your`e being controlled before you even move in.

You have come to an agreement with your daughter and I do think that you should honour that. You also have your granddaughter's future to consider. When your daughter finishes her education she can use it to get a better job and be financially independent. I can't see why your partner is not willing to wait until then, I also don't see her children being disadvantaged in the long run. Who knows what the future may hold for them? I wonder if your partner is a bit jealous of the relationship that you have with your daughter? I really would not do anything to damage it in the longer term. You really need to discuss with your partner and come to an arrangement that will involve compromise over the next few years.

welbeck

as i read it, the partner wants half of OP's money.
red, red flags all over the place.

My feeling exactly be very aware and stay in your own home if your partner objects to this you will have made a good escape from a dominated relationship.

I am 100% certain she is not after my money.
I haven't much. ?
Plus her ex was very wealthy and she took a very small settlement.
It's not in her to take money that she hasn't earned herself.
It's the part that she feels her children are being disproportioned effected.

That i don't get

I know that at this stage in the relationship you will only see the good in your girlfriend, and that's a great way to feel - I'm sure we all look back on those first years of being in love very fondly. Before the inevitable 'but', though, I want to say that I'm not in any way saying that she is not as lovely as you think she is - obviously I don't know her and couldn't possibly judge her.

However, regardless of the amount of money involved, if you give up your house, you are putting yourself under her control so much more than if you had the security of a house of your own to return to if things don't work out. You would also risk alienating your daughter at a time when she needs you and, presumably, has taken you at your word about letting her stay in the house until she has finished her studies.

Also, you are each coming to the relationship with 'baggage', which is inevitable after the age of about 30. If things are going to work, you both have to make allowances for one another's children, financial circumstances, housing situation and so on. That doesn't seem to be what is happening, though. If your girlfriend is resentful of your daughter and granddaughter after two years, how will she feel as the little one grows up?

What are the arrangements for her own children? Are they going to be staying in the joint house? If that is the case, what is she planning to do to compensate your family in order to keep things as 'fair' as she says she wants?

You must be having doubts, or you wouldn't have posted. Trust your instincts - this is not right (particularly where your daughter is concerned), and I wonder if you know this in your heart of hearts. Tread carefully?

my partner/companion and i were together for 18 years till his death last month, we had separate homes neither of us owned our homes. i would wait before you moved in and if you are going to live together then wait and buy a house together that you both have equal shares, as others have said it is a red flag, things change when couples move in together so please be sure this is what you want, if your partner loves you then she would understand that your first loyalty is to your children regardless of there age,

Me neither I’m afraid.

I was in your situation. I moved into my partners house and paid my share of bills. She was happy to share her home with me and happy that I retained my home, security and that my sons 20 and 23 had a safe home to live in until they were ready to leave home.

I see red flags with your partners wishes and I would never, ever give up my home for anyone. You can still live together, so I don't see the logic and nit picking of your partner. It's odd.

OP, well maybe it's not money exactly that she wants from you.
but something is amiss here.
look OP, you have done that very rare thing: united GNetters.
if you read other threads you will see how unusual that is.
yet here on this, everyone of us has urged caution.
i have re=read your OP, and i still can't get a handle on the final sentence.
how/why does your partner have such strong views about your relationship with your daughter.
it sounds odd. it sounds off.
your daughter will always be your daughter, likewise your GD.
despite what you may feel at the moment, partners can come and go.
please do not jeopardise your relationship with your daughter, or her/GD's security and stability.
stay.where.you.are. please.

There has to be something else going on

I don’t understand her ideas of unfairness in the situation at all Very puzzling I can’t understand what she means or wants
If she’s not after money and has plenty surely she’s in a far better position to help her kids than you are to help yours ???
Why does she resent you helping your daughter surely she ll help hers in the future
I m totally puzzled
Stay where you are, what’s the rush ?

I’m another who is uneasy about this. Be honest: you are too.
Initially I felt there was an element of financial gain - that you contribute half the money but ultimately your daughter gains a third.
Now I think it’s a question of power. Her pressing wishes are causing you to doubt yourself and her confusing reasoning enables her to exert control about when you sell your house. She is calling all the shots and could well make your daughter and granddaughter insecure, alienate them from you and make you emotionally and financially dependent on her. That would be a massive no if it were me.
From what you’ve said she alone is determining what happens, is impatient and is prioritising her own and her daughters’ needs. It sounds like ‘me, me, me’ with hints of manipulation.
I suggest you closely examine the dynamic between her and her ex, how they interact, how he sees her as a person. Forget their past and her opinion of him. You might learn a lot and save yourself much grief.

I’ll add to the advice to stay exactly where you are - at least until your daughter finishes her course. Think carefully about who loses and who gains here - I mean everyone.

Don’t do it. Stay where you are.

-Plus her ex was very wealthy and she took a very small settlement.-
I don’t really understand what this has to do with your financial ‘agreement’. Don’t mix your money with hers because if the deal did not come off well you would have lost your home.

It sounds like she's jealous of your DD. It isn't a great foundation for a happy relationship.
Unless you enjoy being the princess being fought over- do you? You should think very hard and seek legal advice before you do anything drastic..

Stay where you are, her daughters are not your problem, they have their own wealthy Father, let him look out for them financially,
Something does not sit right with me, why are her daughters your problem, why does she want you to buy half her house ?
What does your daughter think about all of this? Your decision affects her too.

Stay in your own homes, with visits of whatever length you like to stay with each other.

Get legal advice if you are thinking of doing anything financial.

Your posts are difficult to understand, possibly because your partner has been telling you confusing things.
The comments about fairness are strange - your DD and DGD are nothing to do with her kids.

Your partner may have only good intentions but she seems to be causing confusion which could lead to problems including financial loss for you.

Everyone here is saying - Don't Do It.

It appears that she wants to control the relationship perhaps because of past insecurities but your concern must surely be with your daughter and grandchild?

If you make them homeless now your daughter may well have to give up her studies and this will have a huge impact on her future.

Monetary affairs often don’t bring out the best in people and you could be in danger of creating a rift with your own family and, no matter how perfect she seems now, to potentially finding yourself homeless and broke. If she truly loves, and wants the best for you, she will accept that you need to wait for now. Then better to buy a new property together to make a new start.

Big row last night.
I'm a poor parent, not able to raise my daughter to understand earning for herself.
Feels I'm being unfair to get two as by daughter gets to live free in a house, which could be sold to fund buying a house equally together.
She would like my daughter to rent the house or rent elsewhere.
I help pay and sell my own house so we can but one together.

Alarm bells all over the place. You are being manipulated into selling your home. Stay where you are, at least until all three of the daughters have left home.

Has she showed her true colours?