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Do you wish you wish you had said something to your mum/dad before they died

(29 Posts)
Shinamae Tue 08-Jun-21 23:30:47

My dad was A fantastic dad although in the later part of my life he disowned me and as I was full blown alcoholic at the time I really don’t blame him. He has been dead a good few years and I Just wish I had told him certain things. That was the walks hr he used to take me and my brother on all through the countryside for hours on end,we used to walk fromMortehoe to lee,a long way to go for small children but we loved that!! He made a swing from a tree trunk and put it in the garage, he also made us stilts, which we hesitantly grew to walk on. He took us on a holiday (didn’t have many) to Wales to see a lot of the castles we thought that was brilliant as well.I do wish I’d said all this when Iwas at dads deathbed but I didn’t.In case you’re wondering we made up when my brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, a hell of a price to pay to repair a relationship shattered by use of alcohol.!!Oh and another thing he used to do which probably would be very frowned on now he would take us to the dumps out in the middle of fields for scrap metal there would be cars, general rubbish and I specially remember some dead sheep (didn’t faze us at all )Jimmy and I were only about seven and nine and we absolutely loved it,I just wished I had told him what a fantastic childhood he had given us…🤦‍♀️😪💐And properly thanked him for it, I’m sure it would have meant a lot to him

HillyN Tue 08-Jun-21 23:47:22

If you had so much fun at the time, as you say you did, I'm sure he could see that. My guess is that he loved doing these things with you and your enjoyment gave him much pleasure at the time and he would have remembered that.

Mouseybrown60 Wed 09-Jun-21 00:06:42

I think most people have regrets that they hadn’t told
their parents some loving truths before their mum and dad died. I’m sure that your dad remembered your childhood much as you do now. Hopefully he knew that you had turned around your life and would have been so proud of you.

Bluefox Wed 09-Jun-21 01:38:55

My heart goes out to you.
If you were estranged from your dad when he died that must be so difficult. Do you have children? I do and my feelings for them are all I can give to you. My love for them is unconditional, sometimes they have disappointed me but I go on loving them just the same. I expect your dad always loved you.
Sometimes those who love addicts are told to stop supporting their behaviour. It must be so very difficult to turn away from someone you love for their own sake. I don’t know if this is what your dad did
I think you need to make your peace with your dad, you need to say sorry for the pain you caused him. He cannot TELL you now that he forgives you but I’m pretty sure that he would welcome your apology. The very best thing you can do is to promise him that your life is changed and that you will carry him in your heart as you move forward, positively in your life.
I know he would be so proud of you!
You can still talk to him, I talk to my mum and dad often and I find that helpful.
Wishing you peace. 🙏🏻

Nannashirlz Mon 14-Jun-21 11:48:16

The last words I spoke to my dad was I love you dad. But that wasn’t in person it was on the phone at the time I was overseas with my ex military hubby. He died the following morning alone with a heart attack. My ex received the call and had to come home and tell me. That’s the day my heart broke. We stayed until after the funeral and that’s the day my mum said now he’s gone no need for you to visit anymore. At first I put it down to grieve and because I was the double of him. Yes she is my birth mother. Before anyone asks. But I tried many times to visit etc. an aunt said she said day he died I did too. My crime she got pregnant with me before they married. I’m the reason she had to. Not spoken in 22yrs. Or my two younger brothers She did marry the man she wanted to marry before my dad. So I heard.

Artaylar Mon 14-Jun-21 16:32:16

My Dad died last July, within 24 hours of getting a diagnosis of terminal liver cancer.

We saw him in hospital on his last night, though we had no idea then that he would go so quickly, and our conversations were along the lines of banter and jokes and keeping Dad's spirits up.

I loved my Dad with all of my heart and I know he felt the same way about me too, there were 200 miles between us and we spoke on the phone most days. We never told one another 'I love you' though, it didnt feel like it was something that needed to be said.

I know Dad carried some guilt over his marriage to mum (who died in 2017) though he never spoke about it - to do with his womanising days.

I didnt sleep at all during Dad's last night. I remember having a conversation with him in my head basically letting him know there was nothing to forgive anymore, and that I had always loved him and always would.

We got the call at 6.30 the next morning letting us know that Dad had died at 6.00. I like to think that he heard the in 'my head' conversation with him, and that he felt able to go in peace.

Nearly 12 months on, I miss him every single day and often dream about him, and mum. These dreams often take place in a lovely place where mum and dad have reconciled.

M0nica Mon 14-Jun-21 17:03:12

No. I loved them, they loved me, what more was there to say?

Sara1954 Mon 14-Jun-21 20:29:09

I have so many happy memories of my dad when I was little, he was very hands on for the times, probably because my mother wasn’t.
We did all the things you did Shinamae, excluding the scrap yards, and he was always encouraging and informative.
Over the years our relationship deteriorated, he suffered from chronic illness, and I became a disappointment to him, I also think he got sick of the arguments I was constantly having with my mother.
But I can’t remember seeing him without my heart lifting a little bit, and yes, of course I wish I’d told him.
He died very unexpectedly, and there was no time for anything to be said, I left it too late.

Revolucion Mon 14-Jun-21 21:29:29

I never know if I should have told my dad that my mum was unfaithful to him. It was a big secret to carry. I thought it would be painful and humiliating for him to know.

M0nica Mon 14-Jun-21 21:41:56

Of course you shouldn't

Esspee Mon 14-Jun-21 22:16:00

There are so many things I wish I had asked them while they were still with me, about their childhood, their lives before children, their grandparents etc.

M0nica Tue 15-Jun-21 15:56:35

Esspee, but would they have told you? My mother had died before Ancestry appeared and I found things happened that were in direct contradiction to what I had been told. But my mother was a child when they happened so probably didn't know either, but more importantly, her way of thinking was so different ot mine, she probably wouldn't have understood what I wanted to know and would have been quite happy with any explanation she was given.

The same would apply to her memories of her parents and grandparents lives. I have some stories about them and some of them are romantic and some sad and indicate the poverty they lived in, but often the different view points between generations can work against having useful information.

silverlining48 Tue 15-Jun-21 16:46:44

There are lots of things I should have said to my father, if only I had the courage, but he frightened me. I was happy when he died, he was neither missed nor mourned.
I envy people who miss dads who they have loved and who loved them, it was never my experience.

timetogo2016 Tue 15-Jun-21 17:03:10

I miss both of my parents,and there is not a day goes by thay i don`t think of them.
Luckily we knew we all loved each other,but we still said so out loud.
I was holding my dads hand when he died,i will never forget the last squeeze he gave me.
I do feel for people who regret the relationship they had with family members who died,but tbh,relationshios go two ways,and maybe they too felt the same knowing they were going.
Hold on to the happy memories and visualise their smiles in the good old days.
No-one lives in the past,it`s a waste of energy.

MerylStreep Tue 15-Jun-21 17:05:26

Same here. I didn’t see either of them for the last 40 years of their lives. No great loss.

Shinamae Sun 20-Jun-21 23:26:16

Still miss him dreadfully and cry sometimes about it when I am talking to him, things I should’ve told him when he was alive, I feel very guilty and I know that is a complete waste of an emotion. If I believed in life afterdeath I think I would be able to meet up with them in the afterlife make things right but I don’t believe in an after life… so that’s kind of scuppered 🤦‍♀️

nanna8 Mon 21-Jun-21 00:11:18

I miss my Dad,too. He was a lovely, kind and gentle man. The night before he died he rang me and thanked me and I wasn’t sure why but I’d course realised when he had a massive stroke just after that. I just wish I’d have known, makes me teary.

Humbley Fri 30-Jul-21 00:16:35

My mum died when I was 16 and I really wish she was still here to chat to ask advice have coffee with and I really wish she could of seen my 3 lovely children. I woke up to find her having a heart attack I really tried to help her I called the ambulance and tried cpr but to no avail. My dad stood there in shock he couldn't move. And a few years ago my dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's I loved him and told him often but before last Xmas he left the house and fell over a kind passer by helped him home and found a number to call my nice my brother went round as he lives closer an ambulance was called he broke his femur and had an operation then he caught covid 19 in January in hospital I never got to say goodbye or tell him I loved him one last time and I'm finding it really hard to get over losing both parents. Really wish I asked more questions when they were alive .

Newatthis Sun 12-Sep-21 14:47:53

I am sorry I didn't phone my mum back. I lived overseas and at that time phone call were £1 per minute. I know this sounds awful but she spent most of the time talking about what the nextdoor neighbour was up to etc. and my calls would cost me about £60 as she liked to talk a lot. I was going to call back but we were on our way to my daughter's friend's birthday party. By the time I got back, with the time difference, it was too late to call. The next call I got was that she had been taken into hospital and subsequently died. I did get back to the UK to say goodbye but I wish so much that I would have had that last chat.

Grandmabatty Sun 12-Sep-21 20:02:16

The night my dad died we were all visiting him in hospital. He had septicemia and prostrate cancer and was under a lot of morphine. I sat beside him and held his hand. I stroked his hand and spoke to him for an hour. I don't remember what I said but I just blethered to him. He smiled at us all but couldn't say much. He wasn't expected to die so quickly and died that night. I never told him just how much I loved him at the end, although he knew. I miss him to this day and it'll be ten years next month that he died. He was such a great role model to my son who spoke at his funeral (his decision) and I wish I had thanked him for all he did for us.

Mattsmum2 Sun 12-Sep-21 20:44:09

I wish I had known my dad, my parents divorced when I was 3 and decided that I wouldn’t have any contact with him. I still don’t know why but have heard from people that he was a lovely man. He died aged 43, I’ve got some pictures but wish I had the opportunity to know him. I was 19 when he died. I went to the funeral but wanted nothing more than to have a dad 😢

nightowl Sun 12-Sep-21 21:17:14

I wish I’d told my dad I loved him. We were not a demonstrative family and I wonder if he knew what he meant to me. I’ve been without him longer than I had him and he never met his grandchildren - I was 5 months pregnant when he died and he was so looking forward to becoming a granddad. I miss him every day. All too late now.

My mum died 23 years ago this week. I wish I’d been a better daughter to her. I wish I’d let her tell me how frightened she was during those last two years.

Floradora9 Sun 12-Sep-21 21:21:13


There are lots of things I should have said to my father, if only I had the courage, but he frightened me. I was happy when he died, he was neither missed nor mourned.
I envy people who miss dads who they have loved and who loved them, it was never my experience.

Same here for me I was only 12 when my father died but I never missed him one bit. I did miss having a father at times but did not miss him he never wanted me . If I could ask my mother a question it would be why did she allow my father to be so hard on me : he had what he called a " handy hand " and he used it often . I can still see him showing me it . His children from his first marriage said he never laid a hand on them .

BigBertha1 Sun 12-Sep-21 22:24:28

I sat by my mum the day before she died and really wanted to ask her why she had been so cruel to me but I just couldn't do it...I couldn't be cruel to her at that moment. It is still a question that haunts me and makes me wonder if her reasons for her dislike for me are the reason why I find it so difficult to make friends am I just to horrible?

benjamina Mon 13-Sep-21 00:25:15

BigBertha1 - The fact that you couldn't ask her that question shows 100% that you are not a horrible person.
Sometimes we beat ourselves up - please don't - you have compassion and showed it.x