Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

What a sad situation.
This happened years ago to a friend of mine. The girl in question was actually getting presents and money off my friend’s husband. It came to a sudden end when the young woman hooked up with a new boyfriend and actually warned him off.
As another wise woman has already quoted here - no fool like an old fool !
An old man’s crush. What a twerp !

I do not think that age protects us from these sorts of feelings. And long marriages often lack sparkle (hopefully they make up for that in other ways).

I remember having very strong feelings for someone at work when I was in my late 40s; I know it was reciprocated, as he made that very clear. I did nothing about it of course (married with 3 children) and just regarded it as a bit of icing on life's cake. And I made my position clear to the man.

I do not think this man should be blamed for developing these feelings for a neighbour - we are all only human - it is what he does about it that matters.

Maybe talk to him about it in a spirit of understanding rather than blame if you can - and with a shot of humour. Good luck!

I think I'd hit him over the head aswell. What on earth is he playing at?

Luckygirl - you really DO need to change your user name. Naughty girl comes to mind !

I agree with most of what Espee says.

It does indeed seem your dh is obsessed and obsessions can be very difficult to break. Blocking him on WhatsApp is good but won’t stop his obsession. Can you find something else to occupy him?

What a nasty situation for you.
I just heard yesterday that a friend in her 50s was getting unwelcome attention from an older man who came to help put shelves up. She told him to get lost.
As others have said, she will probably tire of him if she hasn't already but it's you I am thinking of.

Humiliating and embarrassing. You should let him know how it makes you feel and it has gone on a long time, not unnoticed.

If there is something more going on, I would threaten to leave him.
There's nowt so strange as folk and I know a young woman whose new partner is at least 30 years her senior.

he is being very silly and it's embarrassing for you. i would call the lady and apologise if he is being a nuisance to her. he flirting with her in hope that she would respond back. that wont happen and he must be told he is actually embarrassing himself and her

What Espree said and the link Onwardand Upward put on is very insightful.

Also how would you feel if someone was watching your every move, school pick up, visitors? I'd feel "stalked".

She can't go about her daily life with out your OH watching her, that can't feel good.

I'd feel very uncomfortable at best and unsafe. I can't imagine the woman, a mother feels very safe with your OH watching her.

Talk to her and as others have said may be your GP and if your OH doesn't like what you are saying too bad.

Unless you think he may turn violent towards you. If you think there is any chance he may turn on you make sure you get some help and support in place Before his behaviour is addressed.

This situation needs addressing because YOU have to be able to live in your home.

You have the right to feel Safe and Comfortable in Your Home.

Whatever the reason behind your OH behaviour your post read as if you aren't feeling comfortable in your home at this time but I don't think your neighbours interest in your OH is the problem.

Good Luck

Yes, talk to her, apologise for your husband’s behaviour. That way, she knows you know, and won’t have any problem believing her in the future, should she need to talk to you about it.
I can’t believe for one second, she would have any interest in him ( sorry ).
It does just sound like a kind of crush. It’ll most likely wear off.

I would talk to her sooner rather than later as she is probably telling people about the silly old man opposite, apart from spreading around the neighbourhood one of her friends may confront him on her behalf.

Ask her to block his number.

He would have a ringing noise in his ears from the blasting he would get from me. I would verbally wipe the floor with him then watch when he finally realises that he is a stupid old git.

I too agree with Espee, this needs to be stopped. I would find it very creepy to be aware of my every move being watched. After you have spoken to the woman, speak to your DH and tell him bluntly that he is making a fool of himself, and how would he feel if someone was 'stalking' your own DD like this ( assuming you have a DD). As others have suggested, maybe he needs an outlet for his community spirit, and could volunteer to help people who actually need his help.

I would not talk to her yet, but I would be having strong words with him. He is crossing the line, at best he will make a complete fool if himself, at worst she could become fed up with him and call the Police to have a word with him, and it would serve him right.
I agree with others, he has a unhealthy crush on this lady and it needs to stop. I would also be looking if I could stay with this weak, sad, idiotic man. I would have lost all respect for him by now. I honestly would be surprised if he has dementure, he just seems to be behaving in immature manner.
Its very sad all round, and my sympathies are with you on this.

As others have said, it sounds like a crush in which he had idealized her and is craving her attention. The more you nag him about it the more he will be silent with you. He’s juggling two women in his head - the vivacious, popular, fantasy woman across the road and his comfy wife of many years who is criticizing him. This makes you the enemy because you are calling him out and embarrassing him over something that he may feel embarrassed about anyway. Any slight reciprocity from your neighbour will give him hope, even one innocuous reply to his ten messages.

I disagree with others who say talk to her because if she is enjoying the attention then it might increase the frisson for her if she knows it’s upsetting you. If she feels uncomfortable she can let you know. Depending on what kind of woman she is, she and her friends might be having a good laugh about this. Silly old s*d who lives across the road with his boring wife so he's got the hots for her. You don't want to be rising to that kind of thinking.

I was widowed young and have lead a single and very independent life for the last twenty years. I have been on the receiving end of a fair number of crushes from men of all ages, some of them married, some of them considerably older than I am. There’s something about a single, independent woman that acts like catnip. Motivations are different. Some think single women are fair game, some simply admire that independence, others want to be helpers and protectors. It sounds like your husband may be in the latter category.

My advice is to do nothing. Don't nag him, don't speak to her about it. Just ride it out until he loses interest, which he will, in time.

i just want to say thank you so much to everyone for your replies, support and understanding. Its so nice to know that others care. i visited my other neighbour next to us this morning whilst OH is still sitting at the window watching for her and i burst into tears. I think the realisation is hitting that our relationship will no longer be the same after this. Its not just about her, its about us. He feels like a stranger to me now. I honestly dont know where we go from here.

My neighbour has suggested talking to one of my adult children about it. My DS2 who is 18 months younger then this woman is closest to his father. Maybe he will get some sense into him. Ive been trying to hide it from the DC and DGC to protect them. Im realising this is not the right approach.

I will write to the GP. Last night i approached OH more lightly. As i was not challenging him he made inappropriate comments about her. I think he is seeing her as someone who is much younger then she actually is. He talked about the "pitter patter" of tiny feet she could bring without actually saying he loved her, he wants a baby with her etc. I reminded him she is 44 and therefore middle aged. I also pointed out to him she is not some young just out of university free-spirited girl but someone who has been in adulthood for 25 years and likely at the prime of building her business, in control of her life unlikely to need help or a father figure. His response is simply that i dont understand what he has here and what she will be part of.

Im unsure if and how to speak with her. If she hasnt really noticed i dont want to make her paranoid to go out in her own garden. If she has noticed i dont want to cause upset and awkwardness by inflating his behaviour but i dont want her to think i dont care. I will give it some thought and run it past my son. If he begins to continuously talk to her i may have to say something then. Do you all think this is the right approach. Its so difficult.

You have to talk to her so that she sees you’ve noticed and aren’t OK with it. She’ll likely be feeling unsettled and gaslit - after all, he’s just a harmless old man! - and knowing you’re aware of it will help her. Tell her you’ll speak to him so she knows she has someone on her side

* His response is simply that i dont understand what he has here and what she will be part of.*

OK, having seen that last update this is ringing SERIOUS warning bells.

Oh dear. The baby delusion puts a very different complexion on it and suggests a more serious mental health issue. Are there other aspects of his behaviour which are giving you cause for concern?

I think this has gone beyond anything ‘ harmless’ and that he is so deluded he could actually be a danger to someone. You need to speak to his GP ASAP. , for a mental health check for him.

I spoke to an elderly man,about78 plus,at the gym ad I knew his wife. He followed me and asked me out, found my number and kept phoning and was also caught hanging round my house. I turned out he had Parkinson's and had developed obsessions due to meds.

could you talk to your son today?

It al sounds very upsetting and worrying for you and you need to get some support x

He has just been more and more distant in the last 5 months. He has not raised his voice or anything like that he just ignores me for hours on end. Its very difficult to live with. He no longer participates in anything i want to do and rarely helps around the house. We dont go out together. He has started to use a computer more intently which will be a learning experience for him. He did join a course in IT skills which i thought was odd at the time but maybe he was just wanting to learn new things. He has used covid as an excuse to limit seeing the DC and DGC. He is in a higher risk category with his health conditions then i am.

He goes out often alone. He plays bowls a lot. I am certain he is not meeting her. I admit i have tailed her twice in the car just after he left when she went out. She drove to a warehouse and his car was not there. The second time she drove to Morrisons. I felt ashamed of myself, rather embarrassed i had stooped to this and have not done so since. I doubt he is messaging her online as he is on for hours and she is always in and out the house. I hope i am right. But the trust i had in him is just not there. The secret behaviours he persists in - its awful but it is changing my behaviour and my inner strength. After over 40 years and we are at a brick wall that he doesnt acknowledge. Theres some tough choices to be made.

Your right i need to speak to her. i just need to catch her when he is not in and her children are in school.

The problem my angel is your husband. He could be starting with dementia which is suggested by his weird remarks about the patter of tiny feet etc.
Combined with his sudden interest in social media and tech I’d suspect he’s looking at inappropriate stuff on the net too, possibly dating sites.
My brother in law unfortunately did the same, posting up a fake profile of someone in his thirties, and using some other chap’s photo.
He was diagnosed with Lewy Bodies Dementia or a name like that. Apparently it caused disinhibition and takes the brakes off all round making people behave in very peculiar ways.
I am sorry this has happened, and hope life improves for you. Tell all your children and the GP.
Maybe you could lose his phone and cut the internet. My sister used to turn the router off as much as possible. My BIL never looked to see if the lights were on.

Bettinalove
After reading your latest posts I would not only speak to her but I would make sure that he saw me speaking to her.
Then when I came back home I would tell him exactly what I had said to her.
I’m sorry to say that whichever way it goes it’s not going to be easy ?

I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but since the behaviour is unusual, can you take look at his search history, etc? That should give you an idea of what you’re dealing with: