Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

Your latest post puts a whole new slant on it, doesn't it? My advice would be to hold off talking to the neighbour yet, as you don't want to frighten her or even to upset your husband really, especially as it sounds as if he is very unwell and, despite the hurt and worry he is causing you, you sound as if you care a great deal about him. I would talk to your son as soon as possible, say it's about his dad and that it is important and maybe get him to go with his dad to the GP. Perhaps your son, being a man, can talk to him man to man without all the husband/wife issues. I

I would definitely speak to your neighbourBettinalove and tell her about your concerns. She needs to know that your husband is behaving inappropriately.
Talk things through with your family so they are aware of the problem and see what help you can get from your GP or mental health team. I suspect though that there is little they can do at present but they can support you.

Given the levels you've described Bettinalove, I would definitely speak to your neighbour. Make her aware you KNOW how unreasonable he is and let her know you've tried and failed to deal with him.

And then I would contact the police on the local number you have for them (because it isn't YET a 999 issue, but could get to that point, if your neighbour feels threatened). A visit from them, hopefully with no mention of your involvement, about the consequences of stalking would hopefully shock him into some sense.

He's distanced himself from you and the rest of the family so is probably firmly delusional about any interventions taken, even by his own children.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Just another thought, is there anyway you can discretely film his behaviour on your mobile phone? This way you will be able to show someone if you need proof of what he's doing.

He sounds unhinged, sorry. He is probably delusional, but is causing you distress and maybe the neighbour too. Someone needs to put a stop to this because it won't be him. I am so sorry for your pain but I don't believe it's right for you to be suffering like this. You owe him no loyalty now, because this IS cheating even emotionally- and his behaviour is completely disrespectful to you.

Agree with OandU. You need to start gathering hard evidence. I’m so sorry you are having to cope with this. It dawned on me a couple of days ago that my eldest sibling is losing it. The realisation suddenly explains a lot! But you need professional help, and proof will help start the ball rolling.

Bettinalove I am so sorry to read about all this. What a bad time you’re having. I too had thought the police might be able to help but then thought there’s a chance he will think the object of his delusions has reported him and seek revenge so I’m not sure that’s a risk worth taking. I agree you should have a word with the neighbour - I doubt his obsession has gone unnoticed with all the messages and sitting at the window so you’re unlikely to be telling her anything she doesn’t know. He’s stalking her and there is now a law to deal with this sort of thing.

Are you or your son able to look at his computer and find out what he’s been doing on it? You already have your suspicions but best to be certain.

I also agree you need to get his GP involved. I would speak to him/her rather than write. Tell him/her everything so they have the full picture. This doesn’t sound like a silly crush any more, it’s become seriously delusional behaviour. Delusional behaviour can change and escalate so the sooner you speak to the GP the better. Your son, GP, the neighbour in question and the one you saw this morning will be your allies.

I think it’s important your children know about this. You may well feel your marriage is at an end - I’m sure I would - and will need their support going forward, perhaps even stay with them for a while if possible. Please don’t delay in taking action.

I hope you’ll tell us how things go. I wish you the very best.

Yes, definitely talk to the neighbour, then that side of things are dealt with, and as someone else said, if she is feeling freaked out, she knows she’s got you on side, and she won’t feel mad for talking about it with you, should she need to.
You say she may not have noticed. She has without a doubt. They’ve been WhatsApping. How did that come about? The exchange of numbers.
Please talk to her, and then you can concentrate on your husband, and getting to the bottom of why he’s doing this.

You have a lot of good advice here, and I second talking to the GP.
There are 2 schools of thought on here about talking to the neighbour, but a 'middle ground' would be to chat to her and say that you are somewhat worried about your husband, possible dementia / mental health issue. That lets her know, without you getting tangled up too much in specifics. She may then tell you more. It would probably be helpful for her as well.

Can I also add something gently? You following your neighbour is unusual behaviour - it shows how distressed this is making you, and is a strong indicator that you need to seek help for your husband.

Please look on-line for help from people like MIND or Alzheimer's Society.

My very best wishes in dealing with this

I disagree with some of the suggestions here particularly about checking his browser history or talking to the police. The former is an invasion of his privacy (even if he is invading someone else's) and the second action would be for the neighbour to do if she feels threatened.

I agree with nannarose that tailing is also to be avoided and the OP has already expressed her regret at having done this.

The key is the baby delusion and that really is indicative of something not right in his mind which warrants medical enquiry. How the OP effects this when it so hard to get to see a doctor at the moment is another matter but OP says he has health issues (and is planning to write to their GP) so maybe a doctor could broach this with discretion as part of a general check over.

I am wondering how he will react if the neigbour goes on vacation for a week or two once school is out.

Ok, even filming him is technically invading his privacy, but it could be helpful in terms of getting help. Personally if this was me, I would read all the whatsapp messages and screenshot them for further reference and take the neighbours number from there in order to contact her by phone in case I wasn't able to discretely pop round.

Who knows, there might be a post on Mumsnet from a Mum whose elderly neighbours are surveillancing her?

I have to be honest (and shoot me down in flames if you want) if this was me I would not think about HIS privacy because his behaviour is Unreasonable and this is grounds for divorce. You have already listed a few examples and proof of this should be enough to A) threaten him with a lawyers letter to make him behave in a decent and respectable way or B) go through with it if his behaviour does not improve or if he doesn't agree to treatment.

If he is unwilling to discuss his behaviour I dont see that there is any choice but to take this further.

I wonder if there would be mileage in showing him a video of his own behaviour? Perhaps he might watch it and see how strange and fixated his behaviour is? (Obviously save the original somewhere safe or send it to someone for safe keeping in case he goes mad and destroys your phone)

Keep copies of everything and send them to someone you trust. Get hard proof and you are in control. A few years ago my friend found that her husband had been viewing porn on his phone. She made him go for counselling, but it wasn't successful. They ended up splitting up because he did it again.

He must come over as a bit of a stalker, if possible I would try to have a gentle word with her, diplomatically of course. He sounds as if he’s lost his reason for a while. It must be very uncomfortable for this woman who most likely won’t want to hurt either of you. Someone needs to do something. If I was the woman, I would tell him in no uncertain terms to stop doing what he’s doing as she finds it creepy. He needs to be told. Good luck.

I don’t agree with going to the police , I m not even sure how well you will manage with a GP but I would definitely talk to your son I would also make notes of what he’s doing and saying etc just bullet points
Today he spent 20 minutes talking about her
he was at the window watching for 1 hour etc etc

I really think one of your children is the key to this as they are uninvolved unlike you who is very emotionally involved
I m unsure about talking to the neighbour at this point, perhaps she isn’t noticing and just thinks he’s a friendly neighbour or thinks he’s a daft old fool not worth thinking about
You say he has a high risk medical condition may I ask what that is?
Your children are the key at this stage and I wish you luck, do let us know how it goes Poor you and poor man if he is heading for some mental Heath or medical condition

Theres a story on here called "Dirty Old Man" and the man does modify his behaviour, when challenged in that story. Could be worth a read.

I agree with BlueBelle. You’ve tried to cope with this all on your own, but now it’s time to involve your children. I think they’d be upset to think of what you’re having to deal with.

I've just remembered someone I volunteered with who had similar problems with her husband - he was on medication for a health condition, and he lost all inhibitions and became delusional and fixated on his assigned nurse.

Well your last post gave more detail I am very sorry you are going through this. There is obviously more to this than flirtation in your DH mind. The sooner you talk to your DS and confide with the Doctor the better for you and possibly to help your husband.?

Depending on what his medication IS, it could be side effects, yes. Definitely worth looking it up online and talking to the GP in that case.

I would still keep evidence of his behavior to show him when he is more reasonable as the reason why you did what you did (go to the GP) I can't imagine he is going to be thrilled about you going to his GP behind his back and they will most likely tell him, so the more evidence you have of what is actually happening, the better.

As this is all fairly recent , I would write a letter to your DHs GP detailing what is happening and get an appointment with him asap. It seems that something is wrong and it’s totally out of character. Hopefully the GP can shed some light on what is happening, I also hope that one of your ACs can have a chat with him, but if it’s like my neighbours husband he won’t be able to see that anything is wrong and will blame you.
Keep strong and hopefully the GP can set your mind at rest, it’s strange to hope that he is ill rather than believe that he is besotted with a younger woman though.

If you talk to the neighbour and she happens to be fond of him, you will be pushing them together. Do you think he may be learning IT skills to help her business? I would definitely get his computer history (or ask your son to gather evidence from there when you know your husband will be out)

I would be more inclined to gather as much evidence as you can and enlist your son and a family friend to confront him, letting him know that you feel he may have a medical problem and advising him to see the GP (or you will). If you go behind his back he will find out anyway. If it's not a medical issue, it's a legal issue so he needs threatening with divorce and may need to accept therapy to address his unhealthy behaviour.

And, ah.... what if she really IS pregnant?
What if he's not delusional at all, but a rotten cheater?

That’s pretty unlikely though. Much more likely is that there’s a woman living next door who is trying to raise a family and run a business and is freaked out by her creepy old neighbour - and possibly his wife who is convinced she’s leading him on.

hi everyone, thanks again for your support. Ive arranged to meet my son (DS2) and DIL for lunch on Saturday. i cant talk to him at home incase DH overhears or comes home early. Its likely to devastate him - i need to do this face to face. Once ive spoken to him i will do the same with DS1 and DD both who live further away.

I think my son will do some "research" of his search history. I am not good with this sort of thing. IT was coming in more and more at work and i was struggling when i retired at 65. I want to speak with my son before speaking to her. my head is mixed up today and i need to be clear what i want to say. DH has got a lot of heart problems and osteoarthritis in his hips so im hoping my son will go to the doctor with him.

DH is currently stomping around as she has male and female visitors again. Ive heard them playing with the children in the back garden and theres a BBQ going on. He has ignored me so far since i last posted. Fortunately he hasnt tried to join the party. God forbid she is pregnant. Her youngest is around age 4. Unlikely at age 44????? She doesnt look like it as i would have thought at this age she would show symptoms of it but you never know. She also has teenagers - one around 13 then other 15/16. How i will cope if they know anything and spreads it in school. The shame will never go.

Financially divorce at our age will cripple both of us although i know the DC will be there. In my mind dealing with dementia is easier then the fact he only wants her and our marriage is over but even if he receives this type of diagnosis it is unlikely to end his obsession with this woman and there will be more women if it is not her. I have considered going to stay with my daughter. i need to tell her first but does that give him a free reign to watch her or be with her 24/7?

Oh you poor soul, what a horrible and worrying situation. I second the idea of keeping a day to day note of your husband's behaviour and I would suggest not just times when he watches this woman or talks about her. You may then see a pattern or note other oddities. Involving your children also sounds a good idea. If they live close I wonder if one of them could mention to the neighbour that they are concerned about Dad and had she noticed anything? Might be easier from your son than from you? I know it is an invasion of privacy but I think I would look at computer and phone history too and take screenshots. It is so difficult as you don't want to knock trust or cause issues in your family yet this is worrying behaviour which could escalate and your update suggests this could be happening, especially mention of a baby. Also, we are potentially talking about someone stalking a single woman living with children.
I really feel for you and hope you and your husband get the support you need to understand and deal with this. From what you have said it seems likely to be a mental health issue and he needs help.

Gosh, I am so sorry you are in this absolute nightmare. Hopefully once you have spoken to your children, you will see a way forward. I have to say from what you’ve written, your OH does sound unwell.