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How to leave husband

(40 Posts)
SusieFlo Tue 03-Aug-21 19:32:54

I need advice please. I’m seriously considering leaving my dh but lacking courage and also don’t know how to go about it. We’ve been married 41 years and when I almost left last year he persuaded me to stay.
I think the only way to do it is to find somewhere to rent and just go. We own our own house and have separate bank accounts. Has anyone done this and were there any legal repercussions? My son and daughter both say I should have done it years ago.

nannal Tue 03-Aug-21 19:54:57

you thought about this a year ago, you still feel the same?

no financial or legal ties?

just go, do you have a friend to confide in? to support your transition, it is scary to go it alone after all that time..

Hithere Tue 03-Aug-21 19:58:46

Talk to a lawyer first and know your rights

Txquiltz Tue 03-Aug-21 20:02:00

Be certain to consult with a lawyer to have everything ready. There is nothing worse than being unhappy except being unhappy for a year and a day.

BlueBelle Tue 03-Aug-21 20:13:44

I left with nothing and it was wonderful it took me a long time it’s a huge move but I ll never forget the peace I felt that first night I locked my own front door of very inadequate rented rooms
Good luck

Redhead56 Tue 03-Aug-21 20:38:37

I didn’t leave my abusive ex husband I was determined he was not getting the house and the home I made for our children. I had him arrested so many times he eventually went on his own accord. But before he went I did seek legal advice from my solicitor.

I can only advise you to see either a solicitor or law society you get some initial advice free. I got legal aid but that was in 1993 things may have changed since then.

You could look for somewhere to live as soon as possible and decide what you need to take with you. Rather than face confrontation leave when he is not there and preferably get some help. I wish you well and hope it works out for you.

SueDonim Tue 03-Aug-21 21:56:40

You can ask Women’s Aid for help if he has been abusive or controlling.

In the meantime, make sure you have your paperwork (passport, bank details, important phone numbers etc) all sorted out and ready to take with you at any moment.

Good luck. flowers

timetogo2016 Wed 04-Aug-21 10:52:24

Go for it SusieFlo.
I did after 32 years of marriage and have never looked back.
I rented a property and i was off like a rocket.
My sons said i should have done it years ago.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Daisymae Wed 04-Aug-21 11:20:44

Get legal advice first. Then get a plan with the support of your children. A good lawyer should give you the right advice. I would also gather as much info as you can regarding your finances. Knowledge is power.

DanniRae Wed 04-Aug-21 11:25:17

No further advice but wanted to say 'go for it' and I am sending my best wishes x

jaylucy Wed 04-Aug-21 11:30:16

Certainly get legal advice.
Not knowing what your financial situation is, check if you can get any benefits to support you if only for a short time.
There must be a reason that you stayed last year. Has anything changed ? Has the situation improved in any way, or have you just plodded on the same way you have done for years?
Is your husband prepared to seek counselling at all - if only to perhaps help him to see that there really is no point in you being together and at least see why you are feeling what you are feeling?
If you haven't or don't want to do anything else, Maybe finding alternative accommodation , packing and leaving may be the best thing for you to do.

ayse Wed 04-Aug-21 11:42:38

I left an unbearable mental abuser of a husband and returned from the Republic of Ireland to the UK.

First thing I did was to take legal advice and my friend stored my prized possessions for me to collect later. What helped was that at the time we were moving from a large house to a much smaller one so some family furniture went back to the UK.

Sorted out the money I was owed from our joint account had a meeting with the bank manager who knew how things were. Arranged a banker’s draft for when the time came.

Decided what I wanted to take and what I could fit into my small car. As it happened this man was a drinker and late to bed.

About a week before the move I took money from the bank account and sent it to the UK. As soon as I knew the money was in my account in the UK, I was ready.

Early in the morning, I packed my car, went to my friends to pick up the rest of my stuff and drove across the border to Northern Ireland. Got on a ferry to Scotland.

Went to stay with my friend until accommodation could be sorted. It wasn’t a lot of money but enough to keep me going until I could find work.

It was the best thing I could have done for my mental health and well-being. This was at the third attempt as I had been persuaded to return on two occasions with empty promises.

Take your courage in both hands, check your legal position, make any arrangements that are needed and then go.

Babs758 Wed 04-Aug-21 12:13:10

Is there more money in one account ie his than yours? I think an hour spent with a solicitor would be a good move. When I did this I paid £100 for an hour's time and it was money well spent as I got a summary of the meeting in writing and good advice. You may need to find out what his assets are.. Also bear in mind that if you or he have a company pension this would be taken into account of any future settlement. Good luck!

sodapop Wed 04-Aug-21 12:22:27

Good advice there from Babs758 I made more than one attempt to leave as well SusieFlo in the end I rented a furnished house and left without anything.
As BlueBelle said the peace on locking your own front door behind you is worth all the hassle of leaving. Good luck.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 04-Aug-21 12:38:28

Yes good advice Babs758, sort out money and plan the move. Then just go, good luck

vampirequeen Wed 04-Aug-21 12:45:57

Plan ahead. Rent somewhere to live. Don't give him any clues. Pick a day and go. You can have a half hour free consultation with a solicitor to get advice about where you stand in relation to the house and joint assets.

I left with no things. It was the best thing I ever did. Leaving with no things isn't the same as leaving with nothing. I left with my head held high, gained my freedom, self worth and peace of mind.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 04-Aug-21 12:55:46

Have a word with citizen's advice as well as with a solicitor.

There could be help available.

Could you stay with one of your children for a while?

Otherwise renting something and just leaving sounds about right, then institute divorce proceedings.

Felinehappiness Sun 08-Aug-21 08:40:32

Susie flo,
You need to speak with Citizens Advice Bureau before doing anything
Good Luck

SusieFlo Sun 08-Aug-21 10:18:59

Thank you everyone x

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 08-Aug-21 10:34:38

I don’t know much about this sort of thing, but looks like you’ve been given sound advice from people who’ve experienced it themselves.

I would just worry that leaving your house may leave you vulnerable financially. What if he moved someone else in? Could he leave? Presumably your children are not living with you, otherwise you’d have more clout in that area.

Whatever you decide, you’ve made the biggest decision. Presumably all the talking has been done?

I wish you well.

b1zzle Sun 08-Aug-21 10:41:35

I did it. Three years ago. Saw a solicitor who said 'I want you out of there for at least a year', so I just picked up my cat and a couple of garden plants one night and walked out after he'd gone to bed. The hard part was my solicitor persuading him to sell the home I loved, but if I could do it at the age of 70, then anyone can. Now have my own flat (with the same cat who has never been so content) and a sense of freedom and peace that I never thought I'd find again.

faringdon59 Sun 08-Aug-21 11:01:17

Hi, yes, it's a massive leap of courage to leave.
I did this about 21 years ago and can only talk from personal experience.
In fact often making a decision on whether to leave or stay can be draining in itself.
Things I have noticed on the subject of leaving is that men hardly ever leave and live independently (in rented housing or pay for a flat), they usually go to either a family relative, their parents home or at a friends.
Whereas women tend to be more assertive and independent after leaving.
My decision to leave started with a change to my mindset. I read lots of self hep books and then started the process gradually.
Changed from part time work to full time. Then found a rented room in a house and moved into that.
So, than I was negotiating a separation from more of a independent stance.
My friends could not believe that I had moved out of a new four bedroomed house into someone's back bedroom.
But it was a good move as the lady I was lodging with gave me a different perspective on life.
She encouraged me to take a weeks holiday abroad on my own which I did and from that I felt empowered and strong enough to proceed with split up and divorce.
So....small steps for me worked.

henetha Sun 08-Aug-21 11:05:07

I planned in advance by first opening a savings account in my name only. Then I bought a camper van.

Katie59 Sun 08-Aug-21 11:30:43

After 35 yrs of marriage I moved into mums spare room (broom cupboard) the stress disappeared, stayed there for 9 months then unexpectedly met a man I liked enough to “give it ago” happy now, you never know what’s round the corner.

DiamondLily Mon 09-Aug-21 14:08:58

I left my ex, after 32 years. No abuse involved, the marriage had just run out of steam. The kids had flown the nest, and there was nothing to stay for. I’d been unhappy for a long time. I left with nothing, and started again.

I’ve since remarried, and never been happier. It is hard, but it’s very doable.

Good luck!