How to leave husband

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If you stay you are effectively giving him permission to mistreat you. Things will be great for a while, better than ever, but it won't stay that way for long, he'll soon revert back to his usual behaviour and probably worse than before.

Get out while you have the chance and stay strong.

Livlass I agree with MerylyStreep they will promise anything to get you to stay. Once you have they revert back to type. I have been there.

LivLass
Go!! A leopard very rarely changes it’s spots. Enjoy the rest of your life with your family ?

You can have a chat with a solicitor, I believe it is free of charge for the initial half hour meeting. You need to have clarification of where you stand.

Hi, I am 75 hubby 81. Been together 13 years.Married for 4. Both 2nd marriages.Living in his house. I have until this Saturday to decide to whether to take a rental. Due to his coercive control put me downs etc etc I have had enough and had secretly been looking and phoning agents for months It was so so hard. Even though I can afford to pay rent as soon, as I told the agents I was retired they really didn’t want to know. But out of the blue last Friday a friend of a friend 16 miles away told me about someone going to move out in six weeks. I drove over. its so small but a ‘stepping stone’I used to be so confident but now I,m drained and on the edge of another breakdown, mental health has been at rock bottom for weeks so Friday after telling hubby I sat and cried for at least 10 hours. Such a wreck. Maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him, maybe I,m too honest.I should have just left. If I stay I,ll lose my family. They haven’t been to the house for years, because of the atmosphere and all I long to do is cook them a Xmas meal and to see them all happy round the table. So DH has had tears promised me the earth, sell his house, leave his family move miles away etc etc etc. Not going to happen empty promises. What do I do?

A huge thank you for the answers. People don't understand why I am unhappy, he seems so charming and nice but I've put up with 40 years of subtle put downs and control wrapped up in apparent appeasing and wanting to be helpful. My eyes have only been opened in the last five years and I feel stupid for not seeing what was happening.
The pandemic has made me think about whether I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and would he look after me if I got ill? Apologies for hijacking the thread with my questions but perhaps others are in a similar position to me. Good luck OP.

My experience is a bit different. I wanted to leave but stayed through loyalty and fear of the unknown. Then he had an affair and he left!! I was devastated for a while as I saw my ‘life’s work’ come to nothing. But you know - once he’d gone, despite being upset, I knew it was right. I’ve never looked back and been very happy both alone and in new relationships. He however hadn’t been happy and has asked to come back several times. No way. Get yours ducks in rows financially. Get your plan B in place. Then when it’s right go for it. Life is too short.

JillyJosie2

Please can anyone who can give me a hint in answer to my question. I'm in a horrible marriage and I want to leave but I know I'll have to force him to sell the house. I have my state pension, a small other pension and a fair amount in savings.

However, when I've looked at flats for rent, it's horrendous these days, I saw one I could afford the other day, £700 pm but they said the tenant had to have 30 times that in income which I don't have. I am told the shortage of housing means that flats go easily, often for more than the asking price so how do people manage until they can get the proceeds of their house sale? Thanks.

Many people, who don’t fit letting agency criteria, have more success using Openrent, which means direct contact between landlords and would be tenants, where individual circumstances can be explained.

www.openrent.co.uk/

Some areas, not all, have a lot of surplus “50 years plus” homes, for older tenants, as there is not the demand for those that there is for normal social housing. (Some were transferred from the old sheltered housing system, as local authorities no longer want to subsidise support services to the same level as before). It might be worth looking a few up, in your area, if you fit the age criteria.

You say you have a horrible marriage, and if any abuse is/was involved, most, if not all, local councils housing departments, have a different allocation process for victims of abuse. Your local council housing department, SHELTER, or Women’s Aid will advise.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

england.shelter.org.uk/

JillyJosie2 is there anyway you can get a reference from your bank to say that you can afford it? Please don't fall into the trap of offering 6-12 months rent in advance as they will rarely accept monthly payments after this. A letter from your solicitor to say that you are in the process of sorting out a divorce or legal separation may also help and you may be able to secure accommodation through a housing association.

If you look at properties advertised by DSS welcome, even though you're not on benefits, you may find that the rents and financial criteria are favourable to renters who are not working. Unfortunately at the moment its hard to find rental properties.

It is also a myth that the marital home has to be sold, I know several couples who allowed the one remaining in the property to buy the other one out by taking out a mortgage, or raising the necessary finances some other way. As long as its a fair and legal division of assets, that's all that matters.

Please can anyone who can give me a hint in answer to my question. I'm in a horrible marriage and I want to leave but I know I'll have to force him to sell the house. I have my state pension, a small other pension and a fair amount in savings.

However, when I've looked at flats for rent, it's horrendous these days, I saw one I could afford the other day, £700 pm but they said the tenant had to have 30 times that in income which I don't have. I am told the shortage of housing means that flats go easily, often for more than the asking price so how do people manage until they can get the proceeds of their house sale? Thanks.

Good luck Suzie!

I left with no things. It was the best thing I ever did. Leaving with no things isn't the same as leaving with nothing.
I think this is key, Vampire

Whenever I look at flats to rent, the terms always demand proof of income and guarantors. Supposing you only have a state pension plus some savings, what can you do?

Just to say I didn't leave! The visit to the solicitor was really helpful and I also had a follow up letter from them with all we discussed and they kept my details on file for a year. We also discussed court orders to freeze accounts if we suspected that one of the bank accounts ie, his, would suddenly get depleted. I still have the documents under lock and key and they just give me the reassurance that I can do it and how, should I wish. The pensions thing was a wakeup call. I realised that my pension was worth approx what he had in his bank account so we were "even" there... ! Good luck SusieFlo and I hope you make the right decision for you.

I left my ex, after 32 years. No abuse involved, the marriage had just run out of steam. The kids had flown the nest, and there was nothing to stay for. I’d been unhappy for a long time. I left with nothing, and started again.

I’ve since remarried, and never been happier. It is hard, but it’s very doable.

Good luck!

After 35 yrs of marriage I moved into mums spare room (broom cupboard) the stress disappeared, stayed there for 9 months then unexpectedly met a man I liked enough to “give it ago” happy now, you never know what’s round the corner.

I planned in advance by first opening a savings account in my name only. Then I bought a camper van.

Hi, yes, it's a massive leap of courage to leave.
I did this about 21 years ago and can only talk from personal experience.
In fact often making a decision on whether to leave or stay can be draining in itself.
Things I have noticed on the subject of leaving is that men hardly ever leave and live independently (in rented housing or pay for a flat), they usually go to either a family relative, their parents home or at a friends.
Whereas women tend to be more assertive and independent after leaving.
My decision to leave started with a change to my mindset. I read lots of self hep books and then started the process gradually.
Changed from part time work to full time. Then found a rented room in a house and moved into that.
So, than I was negotiating a separation from more of a independent stance.
My friends could not believe that I had moved out of a new four bedroomed house into someone's back bedroom.
But it was a good move as the lady I was lodging with gave me a different perspective on life.
She encouraged me to take a weeks holiday abroad on my own which I did and from that I felt empowered and strong enough to proceed with split up and divorce.
So....small steps for me worked.

I did it. Three years ago. Saw a solicitor who said 'I want you out of there for at least a year', so I just picked up my cat and a couple of garden plants one night and walked out after he'd gone to bed. The hard part was my solicitor persuading him to sell the home I loved, but if I could do it at the age of 70, then anyone can. Now have my own flat (with the same cat who has never been so content) and a sense of freedom and peace that I never thought I'd find again.

I don’t know much about this sort of thing, but looks like you’ve been given sound advice from people who’ve experienced it themselves.

I would just worry that leaving your house may leave you vulnerable financially. What if he moved someone else in? Could he leave? Presumably your children are not living with you, otherwise you’d have more clout in that area.

Whatever you decide, you’ve made the biggest decision. Presumably all the talking has been done?

I wish you well.

Thank you everyone x

Susie flo,
You need to speak with Citizens Advice Bureau before doing anything
Good Luck

Have a word with citizen's advice as well as with a solicitor.

There could be help available.

Could you stay with one of your children for a while?

Otherwise renting something and just leaving sounds about right, then institute divorce proceedings.

Plan ahead. Rent somewhere to live. Don't give him any clues. Pick a day and go. You can have a half hour free consultation with a solicitor to get advice about where you stand in relation to the house and joint assets.

I left with no things. It was the best thing I ever did. Leaving with no things isn't the same as leaving with nothing. I left with my head held high, gained my freedom, self worth and peace of mind.