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I have left

(139 Posts)
deedee6969 Tue 17-Aug-21 18:37:17

I have been married for 37yrs this year. It has always been a rocky marriage. DH was raised by a drunk dad and paranoid schizophrenic mum. It rubs off. He has always thought I was having afffairs behind his back. I never ever have. These past 3 years have been horrendous and after a really bad episode of accusations and blame for everything that is wrong in his life I told him that the next time he blames me for everything I was leaving. It settled down for a while then reared up again. Same old abuse, different day and I left. I know it was definitely the right thing to do but it's also very hard. I have been accepted onto the housing register and I have applied for a little bungalow so fingers crossed I hear something soon. I just feel like a failure and at 56 I am starting all over again. I know I couldn't stay in the very abusive and sometimes terrifying situation but it is so hard. We do own the house he's still in and I know it will have to be sold but I also know he will drag it out for as long as possible. It is what it is. I am claiming universal credit now and they have assured me I will get housing benefit until my home is sold. I do have a son and daughter who support my decision but I don't want to upset their family lives so as far a they're concerned I'm fine. I'm not. But I will be. Sorry for the long post think I just needed a rant 🙃

Sofa Fri 01-Oct-21 17:30:23

Your new home looks great! Enjoy your new life!

welbeck Fri 01-Oct-21 17:48:09

the diary idea is a good one.
some places are selling student ones which begin about now.
do record everything of note, events, contacts etc.
also maybe a journal for more personal reflections, feelings etc.
onward and upward !
yabba dabba doo !

bullyl Sun 03-Oct-21 09:03:07

Very well done, I am in the same situation I am 62 and wasted my life. He shows no affection at all, I would love to leave I have no money of my own. I am thinking of getting in touch with the housing association that’s the only thing I can think of all the very best you are a great person xx

Foxgloveandroses Wed 06-Oct-21 01:20:59

So happy for you! Enjoy your lovely new home and relax into your new safe life. X

deedee6969 Wed 06-Oct-21 22:17:10

Bully1 I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you agot a trusted family member or friend that you can stay with until you get sorted hun. That's what I did. I was on my daughters sofa when I contacted the council for help. I had nothing apart from a few items of clothing and not a lot of money but I spoke to a lot of different authorities to get my council bungalow, council tax down to £11 pound a month, my rent paid etc. It can be done. It's not easy but with a good support network around you it is definitely better than walking on eggshells every day. Accept all the help you can. I say my home is furnished with love as the majority has been given to me, bought for me, made for me by family or friends. Don't stay if your unhappy or scared. Please seek help!!

deedee6969 Sun 24-Oct-21 19:19:00

Hi all. I hope you are all keeping well. Winter is definitely on it's way. It's bloomin freezing out!! I'm really settled now. The grandchildren are off school this week and I've arranged a couple of sleepovers and craft days with them and I can't wait 😊. Hubby has been referred to a psychiatrist. I'm not really surprised by this and I honestly do hope he gets sorted and eventually be able to enjoy life again. I have spoken to him and it was all very ammicable. I think he knows now I won't take any crap. We have decided to get Christmas out of the way and then move forward with the house sale. He's not in the right mind to do it yet and I am not going to be blamed for putting the pressure on. I'm ok as I am. I'm learning to budget and I'm surprised at the help that is out there if you do your own digging. The authorities don't tell you. I have contacted my water provider and I have applied for a scheme called The Big Difference who provide water rate reductions for people on low incomes.
I am also going to be my dads unpaid carer. He is 84yrs old and has always been very independent but when we went on holiday for his birthday I realised how fragile he had become. We'll help each other though really. I will do his cooking, cleaning etc and he will give me purpose and a reason to get up in a morning so it's a win for both of us.
I'm going on a coach trip to York Christmas Market on 4th December with my daughter, both sisters and my Aunty. I love York. I would have made excuses not to go before because of the arguments it would cause but I am determined that if I'm asked to go somewhere I am going 🤣. You don't need lot's of money to enjoy time with family and friends. Just window shopping and a cuppa and a chat is more than enough for me.
Anyway keep safe everyone but most importantly be happy. Life really is too short to be lived in misery and fear xxx

Spice101 Mon 25-Oct-21 05:04:13

Great to hear you are moving on and most of all enjoying life at last. Very best wishes to you for continued happiness. flowers

Grandmafrench Mon 25-Oct-21 06:29:21

Congrats! deedee, you’re turning your life around and sounding so positive. It must feel so good to be making decisions for yourself on your terms and doing and planning stuff that makes you happy. And how lovely that in helping your Dad, you’ll also feel really appreciated - for a change.
As you say, life is short - please make sure you squeeze every last drop of happiness out of each day and live life to the full.
Lots of luck to you and well done.

seacliff Mon 25-Oct-21 07:36:04

Very happy for you DeeDee. Glad you're now having some fun and enjoying life. Just a thought, if you're acting as a carer for your Dad. Possibly you might be entitled to a carers allowance? I know you're doing it cos he's your Dad, but worth a thought. Thanks for the good news update.

JaneJudge Mon 25-Oct-21 07:43:34

what a lovely update smile well done for being so brave xx

Granniesunite Mon 25-Oct-21 08:31:15

Just read this thread. I can't tell you how pleased I am for you.. Your family too must be relieved and happy to see you settled so comfortably and safe. All the very best for your future.

Nortsat Mon 25-Oct-21 08:57:09

Great news deedee and thanks for the update.
You are inspirational.
Well done and congratulations on your achievements.

Grannybags Mon 25-Oct-21 09:35:35

Thanks for the update deedee

So glad everything is working out for you. You should be really proud of yourself!