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I have left

(151 Posts)
deedee6969 Tue 17-Aug-21 18:37:17

I have been married for 37yrs this year. It has always been a rocky marriage. DH was raised by a drunk dad and paranoid schizophrenic mum. It rubs off. He has always thought I was having afffairs behind his back. I never ever have. These past 3 years have been horrendous and after a really bad episode of accusations and blame for everything that is wrong in his life I told him that the next time he blames me for everything I was leaving. It settled down for a while then reared up again. Same old abuse, different day and I left. I know it was definitely the right thing to do but it's also very hard. I have been accepted onto the housing register and I have applied for a little bungalow so fingers crossed I hear something soon. I just feel like a failure and at 56 I am starting all over again. I know I couldn't stay in the very abusive and sometimes terrifying situation but it is so hard. We do own the house he's still in and I know it will have to be sold but I also know he will drag it out for as long as possible. It is what it is. I am claiming universal credit now and they have assured me I will get housing benefit until my home is sold. I do have a son and daughter who support my decision but I don't want to upset their family lives so as far a they're concerned I'm fine. I'm not. But I will be. Sorry for the long post think I just needed a rant ?

CanadianGran Tue 17-Aug-21 18:44:26

Good for you for being brave and getting on with a brighter future. Pat yourself on the back Deedee. Good luck in the coming weeks, I hope you settle your nerves after such a huge life change.

Gwyneth Tue 17-Aug-21 18:45:20

I think you have been very brave deedee and you have done the right thing. I really hope you get your bungalow and that you live a happy life there. Pleased that you have the support of your children. Keep pressing for the sale of the house so that you get the share you are entitled to. The very best of luck for the future which I’m sure will be a much happier one for you.

ayse Tue 17-Aug-21 18:54:28

Well done for removing yourself from this marriage. I’m so glad your children support you in this decision. Please don’t worry if you need a bit of extra support from them. Just ask.

I know it’s very difficult but it sounds as though you have done so well in organising a new life. Hopefully legal advice will get you through the sale of your house. I do hope it can be resolved but I understand your fears about it taking ages to resolve. Some ex partners seem to get joy from being as awkward as possible (my DDs ex behaved in this way. If he becomes abusive via text, phone etc. keep a record as it is now a criminal offence. The police here were willing to take action for DD but she decided not to pursue the matter for the moment. Just keep records of any issues. It could come in handy.

Finally, I wish you the very best for your new future.


Redhead56 Tue 17-Aug-21 18:54:55

Well done you have made the right decision you are most certainly not a failure. I hope your housing is sorted out soon for you and you can settle down and feel safe. Take care of and surround yourself with family and friends . You will want and need their support building your new life. Let us know how you get on hopefully in the near future. ?

Blossoming Tue 17-Aug-21 18:55:44

Well done for taking such a huge step Deedee. It may feel rotten now, but it will improve x

Mumofthree Tue 17-Aug-21 18:57:50

What a brave decision you have made, you may have the support of your children but you also have this safe place to come to when you feel overwhelmed. I, for one, know you have done the best thing for you. and that is not a failure, it's a huge step towards the future you can rest easy in, not being afraid anymore. x

SueDonim Tue 17-Aug-21 19:08:42

You’re not a failure - far from it. You’ve bravely decided to leave the misery behind and begin a new life while still young enough to enjoy it.

From watching friends do the same things, it is certainly not an easy things to do but not a single one of them had any regrets. Yes, there were troubles but nothing was as unendurable as being married to an abusive husband.

Do get in touch with your local Women’s Aid, if you haven’t already. They can be a fount of knowledge and support.

WishIwasyounger Tue 17-Aug-21 19:13:11

Well done deedee, its a very brave move to make. I struggled for a long time, but its worth it. Try to stay positive. Hugs xx

welbeck Tue 17-Aug-21 19:13:33

well done.
best foot forward.
where are you staying at the moment ?

Kandinsky Tue 17-Aug-21 19:14:53

Well done for finally taking control of your life. You could live another 40 years! so all the very best to you.
The day you leave will be the start of the rest of your life.
You’ll be fine. smile

Shinamae Tue 17-Aug-21 19:17:04

DeeDee,I was in a similar situation many years ago and I too left and it was difficult to start with but not to have to worry about even hearing his key in the door was fantastic and so so worth it.. Not having to walk on eggshells every time he was near me, such a relief to be away from have definitely done the right thing, onwards and upwards ??

deedee6969 Tue 17-Aug-21 19:26:03

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and encouragement. It's strange but I have dreamed about getting my own little place and not having to walk on egg shells all the time but now it's becoming a reality it's scary and exciting at the same time. I think I feel guilty because I know he has mental health issues but I also know I have to do this for my own sanity. He hasn't tried to contact me yet so hopefully he won't. I don't think you can just stop loving someone but I hate who he has become. It's up to him to help himself now and I really do hope he finds happiness in his future life.
On the plus side I have 4 gorgeous grandchildren aged 2,5,7 and 9 and they are very excited to help nana move in to her new home. They will keep me going. I should hear something about the bungalow this week. It's perfect for me so fingers crossed I get it. We have to bid here for council housing and the allocation goes on priority need. I am in the top priority group as I am classed as homeless (staying on daughters sofa and pinching my sisters house when she goes on holiday) and I also suffer from fibromyalgia and arthritis so fingers crossed. I have been and peeped through the windows twice now ? I will definitely update when I hear something ?

Grandmabatty Tue 17-Aug-21 19:35:18

Well done DeeDee. You are the opposite of a failure. You had a line which he crossed even though you told him the consequences. That is having strong boundaries. You should feel proud of your actions. You owe him nothing. His mental health is his to deal with. I hope you get your bungalow. ?

Barmeyoldbat Tue 17-Aug-21 20:06:10

You are certainly not a failure, in fact in my eyes you are brave and strong for leaving and you can now start to lead a life in a way you wan. You have family support and also from the housing people and UC so everyone is giving you the support you deserve. Don't worry about him one bit, you don't ow him anything and good luck for the future.

Whatdayisit Tue 17-Aug-21 20:10:55

I hope you get that bungalow and can get settled. You have taken the biggest and hardest step. You must feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
I hope he leaves you alone. There will be hard days ahead keep your head up. You are physically free but it takes time to be free in your head - only when remarried did I stop hearing "your my wife!".
Everything is worth it when you have peace of mind in your own bed on a night.
Keep in touch on here when you need a hand hold. A brave lady near me left hers after 55 years of marriage. It is hard but put yourself first.x

crazyH Tue 17-Aug-21 20:12:31

We’ll done Deedee……..all the best for a bright future !!

crazyH Tue 17-Aug-21 20:15:32


Jaxjacky Tue 17-Aug-21 21:00:03

??? well done you, brave and resourceful. I really hope you get your bungalow.

JaneJudge Tue 17-Aug-21 21:02:57

that takes some guts
well done xxx

Floriel Tue 17-Aug-21 21:08:01

Deedee, you will never forget the joy and relief of turning the key in your own lock and knowing it’s your house and he’s not inside it. I remember it as though it was yesterday and it’s more than 20 years ago. You will get there! Best of luck. I hope you have many, many happy and transformed years in front of you. X

Visgir1 Tue 17-Aug-21 21:08:40

Congratulations on a life changing move. You have done it now that big Big step of self belief and courage.
He might be difficult but that's par for the course, be brave and live your life now.
Best of luck and best wishes for your future happiness.

denbylover Tue 17-Aug-21 21:11:59

Well done you, you’ve done it, taken the first step to a more peaceful life. Nobody should live and take the abuse you have. I think you are so courageous and admire you enormously. Well done, yes, there will be some troubling days ahead, but despite those, you will overcome and discover a sense of peace denied you for far too long. All the very best, you deserve it!

ElaineI Tue 17-Aug-21 21:19:01

Glad to hear it DeeDee! It will be a struggle at times but you will be safe and not treading on eggshells. It's great that your children are supporting you flowers

Luckygirl Tue 17-Aug-21 22:35:30

You are one courageous lady. And yes, you will be alright, it will just take time.