Husband now being charged

Definitely change the locks ,it isn't a huge job and can be done quickly, you may have cover under your insurance for this especially if you can get the police to say it is for your own safety. I am sure it will give you peace of mind. Next speak to your GP with regard to getting some counselling this will give you the strength of mind to be able to stand up in court . Gather your family & friends around you as much as you can and try move forward as much as you can what's happened has happened don't let it shape your life in the future but he wary of new relationships for the moment. You don't need a man to define you.

Eloethan, yes I have made list of contributions made and my lawyer is dealing with it. Lesley60, yes I have just been told about the freedom project and plan to contact them . Trying to make some plans re where to move to, but limited at moment as cannot buy before I sell. Also received my citation about attending his trial as a witness late autumn. Dreading it. I am very lucky though to have 3 lovely AC and very loving friends. Thank you all for your kindness and caring xx

So sorry you have had to go through this awful situation. Please don't blame yourself for falling for someone so horrible. I believe abusers are often quite charming until their foot is in the door and I doubt that your experience is unique. You must not assume any blame whatsoever for finding yourself in this situation.

It might help to find evidence of and list all the contributions you have made to the home so that you are pre-armed if he tries to claim things that you have paid for.

You have taken the most important step and I hope that in time your life will get back to normal. Thank goodness you have the support of good friends and family. Forget nosy, horrible neighbours. They should have been a support for you during this time instead of gossiping and doing nothing.

In terms of the nonsensical law that he can still have access to the marital home, therefore you can't change the locks without giving him a key (which makes a mockery of the reasoning behind changing the locks in the first place), a friend of mine was advised to swap the front door and back door locks around. That way, her abusive ex still had access to the home, but was unlikely to be able to get in.

He, at least, didn't have the brainpower to consider using the back door key in the front door.

You have been very brave to take the steps you have, and wish you all the very best for the future.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we can all look back with 20:20 vision and see where we went wrong.

You can't change the past, but you can control your future. I'm sure you will make the best choices for yourself moving into your new future.

Susysue, just a thought; if you 'lost' your door keys, it would be perfectly reasonable, in fact positively sensible to change the locks surely?

I don’t know if you have heard of it or if there is one in your area but the Freedom Project is very good, it’s a support group for women who have been abused in any way by men, it’s supportive and helps you regain your self confidence
You could only change the lock if you gave him a key, which obviously defeats the object, I would maybe leave a key in the lock so he is unable to put his in.
Wishing you lots of luck for the future, believe me once all the legal stuff is over and you can move on it will be so worth it ?

Thank you yes I am. I hope you can tie some loose ends up and move on quickly and calmly. Have you many plans in place for moving forward?
I don't think the evenings closing in help with the anxiety and worry of an appearance. So I do hope legal processes keep him away.x

Whatdayisit

It does feel like it Carrie's a stigma because people are so prejudice still. But we don't have to feel shame and we must hold our head up high.
I hope things are improving for you Susysue or are you in limbo. Hope you are not in a lot of physucal pain after his attack.x

Hi Whatdayisit, I am in limbo regarding the house sale as cannot proceed without a separation agreement in place. Mainly good days but some not so and a bit panicked. Have betablockers for the anxiety attacks but it is such a relief to not have him here. I feel like I can finally breath. I hope you are well xx

It does feel like it Carrie's a stigma because people are so prejudice still. But we don't have to feel shame and we must hold our head up high.
I hope things are improving for you Susysue or are you in limbo. Hope you are not in a lot of physucal pain after his attack.x

Thank you all. Sorry again to hear of OP experiences in their lives with abuse. It still carries a stigma though it should not and is not spoken openly about enough. I wish you all well xxx

Firstly well done!

I know how hard it is, my father was an abusive, violent bully, sadly in the 70’s Police didn’t react to domestic abuse, it was deemed acceptable.

You sound balanced and in control, it is not your fault you fell for this man, people like him are so good at luring their prey.

I would gather every piece of financial evidence you can, make a note of any investments, pensions, bank accounts etc he had, if a forensic accountant gets involved it will make their job easier.

Regarding the neighbours, please ignore them, to be fair they are probably embarrassed and don’t know what to say, I’m not excusing their behaviour but in all honesty I’m not sure if I would get involved if it was a neighbour of mine I didn’t know too well.

For the court can you have witness support, it’s a nationwide scheme, it may help.

I wish you strength and future happiness.

I called the police on am abusive husband . He was charged with assault by beating and I went to court as a witness and he was convicted. Daughters came to court to support me and also someone from Victim Support who were marvellous, I also had a visit from Women’s Aid. I didn’t stay in the house but went to daughters for several months but appreciate this is more difficult for you. Ex changed the locks and got no penalty for it so definitely change yours .

Get a solicitor whose speciality is family law . In court you can ask for a screen or even by video link from another room. I found the court experience very supportive , the magistrates saw straight through him and he actually lost his temper in the witness box which clinched things.

Try not to be afraid and keep fighting you will get a better life in the end. Don’t criticise yourself for being with him , I didn’t realise just how bad my life was until I was out. It also escalated for me because I filed for divorce ( in his eyes how dare I)

PM me if it would help.

There's so much good advice here...what I would add is that you can make contact with the Witness Service and ask for their support 0300 332 1000
They are based in every criminal court and can help you through the process.
They can arrange pre trial visits and support you through an application for screens etc so that if you do have to give evidence, you would be 'shielded'.

Thank you Susysue. I hope you are looking after yourself and not stressing too much. Keep your head as best you can.
I agree with many and GillT above.
Keep going.x

It is not your fault you fell for this man, you have been very brave and done the right thing involving the Police, and do retain your solicitor, it will cost money but you need reliable support from someone who knows your case, don't mess about with free half hours or citizens advice, pay for it and get it sorted. Don't fret about what he can or cannot do, ask your solicitor about locks and such, and install a door bell with a camera.

It all sounds horrible and I send all my best wishes to you. I’ve not had a completely similar experience, but I strongly identify with your tendency to reproach yourself because you didn’t see warning signs. I can’t reconcile the two versions of my husband (we’re separated now). In the early days, he was kind, caring and loving. How did we get from that to the situation we’re now in? I too beat myself up for not seeing the man he actually is. But we’re not psychic! So I try not to be too harsh on myself. If the person we met had shown his true colours at the start, we would never have married. So go easy on yourself.
I think you only need to look at your husband’s past relationship history - I too believed that I was special and that our relationship would last because so much was invested in it.
But it turned out that I was wrong, and meant no more to him than previous partners. It’s all very destructive - but I still believe in decency and kindness in spite of that.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. Whatdayisit, my heart goes out to you. What you and your daughter went through is just horrible. So happy you are now free but sad it still affects you so much. Xx

I add to others' " Well done!".
Sorry about the lack of neighbourly support and I will try not to ever be like that.

Sod the law,change the locks Susysue.
You could always say you had an intruder.

susie well done on taking these final steps to move on to the next chapter in your life. Here’s to a happy and safe future to do with whatever you fancy without fear. You’ve stood up to this horrible person and now you’re going to be an independent woman with lots of happy days ahead I too would suggest getting a Ring doorbell they’re fabby we’ve had one for a while now and it records all who have or are at the door you don’t need to open the door if you don’t want to. Just put extra locks on to be extra extra safe from the torturous person who’s out of your life now hurrah hurrah

Sorry to go on and it probably doesn't need saying but never underestimate what he is capable of. Most murders are committed by partners or ex partners. I have no doubt that my life was saved by my daughter. Do not live in fear but don't let your guard down.x

Just wanted to wish you all the best

Susysue so sorry for what you are going through. Do not be hard on yourself coercive control and gaslight ing are powerful psychological abuses which make you act in a way you would never have imagined. Freeing yourself from this can leave you with PTSD..

This is the point you have to keep at your strongest. Come down tough. Make sure you follow through with taking him to court for assaulting you. It is so easy for them to get away with it. Make sure he can't get near you through a restraining order.

Try not to fret too much about your house. Common sense most often prevails - ie he didn't bring anything to the table, no children involved and you have a paper trail. As other posters have said keep all paperwork safe.
Nearly 8 years since i got away for the final time and was pinned up by the neck until my youngest screamed at him to release me I still have to leave the light on when I do sleepins at work. They can stay in your head for so long so counselling would probably be a good idea if you have the energy.
Women are still treated by so many as though it's there fault for the abuse. The she must have deserved a slap attitude is still there. I remember my ex goading me saying he had a laugh about it with the coppers. He was given a slap on the wrist and ordered to pay me £50 and not allowed near me for 12 months. I'm not a shoe person but I bought a pair of shiny red freedom shoes with the 'compensation'. I think you have to keep reminding yourself that you are in control now and you are beating him. It is out in the open now and you should never feel ashamed. Look after yourself physically and mentally. Thinking of you.x

My heart goes out to you and I am sending you virtual support and help. Do you have anyone who can come and stay with you for extra support? Yes changing the lock will help but you might other support. As for your neighbours they probably think Its a minor thing and they will soon make up kind of a thing. They probably are not aware that domestic abuse is a very serious issue. Did you get a non molestation order against him? Also children or a friend might need to come more regularly for a year or more to get you back on your feet.
Also please contact Solace Womens Aid for help or Hestia depending on your area. Wishing you support kindness and pray things get sorted out.

About your neighbours.
Depending on your relationship with them prior to the fallout, they may feel that you would consider them nosey or interfering if they came round, so why don't you give little waves as you're passing them and say 'good morning', 'good afternoon' etc? It might just be the ice that needs breaking!
It's possible, quite probable, that they were aware of fights etc going on but didn't feel close enough to you to interfere, or were scared of your husband!
Unfortunately, neighbours are often not as close these days as when we or our parents were younger.
Be brave, put on a smile and say hi. Then you can dispel any bad rumours going around, but don't open up fully to them just in case any are on his side!!!
Be safe.