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Weaponised incompetence

(46 Posts)
GagaJo Wed 25-Aug-21 21:38:20

A husband tricking his wife into holding his hand through an activity he should be able to do likely results in her taking it on herself and absolving him of the responsibility.

I'm not an expert with this. My ex WAS incompetent when it came to domesticity and still is with his 2nd wife. Hoovers, but it still needs doing when he's finished. Breaks so much stuff when washing up, it isn't worth making him (and our daughter has inherited this from him!).

Interesting though.

Sheilasue Fri 27-Aug-21 11:47:22


I have lived on my own since 1971 so had to do everything for myself. As I’ve got older,my main problem is a physical one where strength is required. I hate having to ask any of my family to help me unless absolutely necessary.

Dh does a few domestic jobs as we are both retired he has no excuse now to not do some.
But I know he may do something half hearted so I won’t ask again, but I am wise to this I don’t say anything and when he’s out for a walk or in the garden I have a quick gloss over.
He does a great job in the bathroom, so I don’t mind really I hate cleaning out the shower so pleased to pass that to him.

aonk Fri 27-Aug-21 11:50:11

My DH and I have been married for 27 years. Before that we both lived alone in our separate houses each with 2 children. We had both been widowed and met through friends. Before we moved in together we each did most or all of the house and garden jobs. I had some help with the heavier tasks in the garden and painting ceilings etc as I can’t cope with ladders. Once we were under the same roof we both tended to gravitate towards the jobs we were best at. Gardening and DIY for him and cooking and housework for me. It’s still the same but good to know that we can both manage a variety of jobs.

Saggi Fri 27-Aug-21 12:11:07

Same in my household Jackiest….. I just get on and do every job that’s ever needed doing…inside or outside the house…because my husband just says “no”.
No pretence of incompetence! Just “no”

grandtanteJE65 Fri 27-Aug-21 12:29:15

Here it is half a dozen of the one and six of the other, as I am totally incompetent when it comes to all jobs rquiring a screwdriver, except from removing the plate over the bobbin casing on my sewing machine. I neither put up shelves, saw anything nor replace tap washers or reposition the ball cock although I can actually do the last two chores.

Likewise, DH can wash up, hoover and wash floors, but doesn't.

It suits us this way.

Presumably the lady in the video is perfectly happy to make illustrated shopping lists - I would find it easier to go the shops myself, but each to her own.

In fairness to the male sex I think it should be admitted that I am presumably not the only female who still leaves power tools strictly to her husband and such old-fashioned things as hammers and nails, plus screws and screw-drivers.

Beanie654321 Fri 27-Aug-21 12:29:44

I am married and retired from working, as a nursing sister in a large unit for 40 years, 2 years ago. During my career I did all housework and garden work as my husband is hopeless. Both my son and my son in law work alongside their spouses where home is concerned. My husband still works full time, but when I was 60 years I decided I'd had enough so retired. I continue to do every thing in and out of house but I dont have the work pressures and admit its wonderful. I've project managed new bathrooms, central heating and redecorated all rooms apart from kitchen. I'm planning on replacing kitchen myself whilst remodeling my garden. I used to complain when I didn't get any help at home but now I'm enjoying him not helping as he genuinely has no idea. Working and juggling home life as given me the skills to manage and perform tasks without the need of relying on others. Men and women think differently. My husband is am accountant and manages the household bills so I don't have to worry about that.

PinkCosmos Fri 27-Aug-21 12:39:39


My ex couldn't wash dishes but he did manage to have several conquests all over the world. Being helpless worked for him.

I think some women like to 'mother' helpless men.

I blame the men's own mothers for bringing them up this way.

My MIL once said to me regarding my DH, 'you have taken over where I left off'. Actually, I haven't and I told her I was his wife not his mother angry

greenlady102 Fri 27-Aug-21 12:57:21

I hate it when stuff like this becomes a part of the gender war. Some men do it, some women do it, some chidren do it. Sometimes its an in-joke between partners. I remember having this kind of joke with my late Dad when i was quite small....My Mum used to get migraines and Dad used to have to take over. He would pretend that he had no idea how to lay the table or wash up and so on and us kids used to "show him" how to do it. We knew that he knew and he knew that we knew that he knew. If its done to victimise or out of bine idleness by anybody it needs dealing with of course...but "weaponising?" for goodness sake!

CBBL Fri 27-Aug-21 13:03:27

My husband and I share what jobs we can regarding home and car (bedmaking or washing the car, for example), even though we are both disabled. I do the ironing because I chose to. He uses the Dishwasher, because there is one in the house now (he washed up by hand, previously). He does the Hoovering, and I cook (because his hands are shaky and his balance is not good). He also makes the tea and coffee (though I do have to wipe up the spillage).
I will do decorating and gardening, and the cleaning.

nanna8 Fri 27-Aug-21 13:08:13

I never cut the grass or clean the cars but then I do all the cooking and house cleaning and washing quite happily. I wouldn’t know one end of a spanner from the other but I can sew, knit and do indoor house painting. I’m better at techie things,too, so if the computers go wrong I usually manage to fix them. I actually like ironing, find it soothing.

MissQuoted Fri 27-Aug-21 13:11:55

my husband had it - was like living with Frank Spencer -

Paperbackwriter Fri 27-Aug-21 13:18:23


Feel somewhat red-faced reading all this. I hate ironing so make a mess of his shirts so he resorts to ironing his own clothes.
On the other hand he pretends to be unable to tidy up (fear of throwing away stuff) so we deserve each other.

But why doesn't he expect to iron his own shirts anyway? I am forever amazed that in 2021 women still treat men as if they were their children, doing their chores for them and then - if a man actually does something domestic - claiming that he's great, he's 'helping'. It's shared premises - surely that equals shared work?

Cambia Fri 27-Aug-21 13:32:55

We just fall into doing jobs that each of us is better at after 45 years of marriage and experience! I don’t cut lawns or do the heavy stuff. My husband will help out with anything luckily and iron if he thinks I am tired. He enjoys cooking now he is retired. When I was ill, the only thing he didn’t know how to work was the washing machine. I think I must be pretty lucky!

Growing0ldDisgracefully Fri 27-Aug-21 13:57:15

MIL's stance was that it wasn't a man's 'place' to do anything domestic. We therefore don't have a division in our house, I do everything.

Alioop Fri 27-Aug-21 14:21:55

My ex-husband wouldn't cut grass, washed his own car at weekend not mine, he would do nothing. I can proudly say that I am able to do the majority of things that are needed around the house and garden myself with no help from a man. I do all the paperwork, deal with car servicing and take it myself to the MOT centre (N.Ireland have these) although a bit of eyelash fluttering goes on there praying it passes lol. If I do get stuck I ask for help, although it pains me to do so, too independent for my own good.

MayBee70 Fri 27-Aug-21 14:30:13


I have lived on my own since 1971 so had to do everything for myself. As I’ve got older,my main problem is a physical one where strength is required. I hate having to ask any of my family to help me unless absolutely necessary.

Me too. I’m hating the fact that I’m struggling to do things I’ve always been able to do.

Amberone Fri 27-Aug-21 16:47:55

I blame the men's own mothers for bringing them up this way.

Me too. I'll never forget the look of incredulity on my MiL's face when she saw her son ironing his shirts. She was disgusted. I did once explain to her that I worked more hours than her son and brought home more money and he had to be prepared to do his bit. Plus he once complained that I didn't iron his shirts well enough ? He didn't complain about doing it.

My OH will do housework I ask him to. He doesn't always do it like I would but that's okay, means I do less.

My slatternly (joke) niece hates housework. She's married to an ex-Marine who keeps everything shipshape. He doesn't complain either.

grannybuy Fri 27-Aug-21 21:53:06

My DH ( now deceased ) did do some things - mainly the bins, some of the gardening, painting and some of the car maintenance, but I did everything else, including wall papering and tiling, and any self assembly items. I never asked him to do anything, not even to make me a cup of tea. That’s not to say that he didn’t do things, he did, but not because I asked. I wish now that I’d sometimes been ‘needier ‘ and not so independent. Now, of course, I do everything, like today, up on a tall stepladder, to replace the battery of my smoke alarm, on my high ceiling.

JenniferEccles Fri 27-Aug-21 22:28:59

I remember Theresa May talking about boy jobs and girl jobs. How she was ridiculed, but there are a lot of us following more or less traditional gender roles.

LauraNorder Fri 27-Aug-21 22:51:35

If it takes brains I do it, if it takes brawn he does it. Works for us.

welbeck Fri 27-Aug-21 23:41:44

i can't do anything.