Feel so alone

BlueBelle

If you cannot get nhs help do try some charity agencies they are out there or even online course in self help and self esteem
I m sorry to say this but I think the blame lies with your husband and you ve no idea how long he’s been goading your children
Of course we all make mistakes I could write a book with the mistakes I ve made and I m sure we all can

DO NOT blame yourself I bet he couldn’t do a better job I want to come round and whop him one

I’ll hold your coat BlueBelle!

What a devastating betrayal! Most of our teenagers have had a mutter and a moan about us but for your OH to take part in it is quite staggering and disloyal. Perhaps contacting Relate or a similar organisation will at least get you on he waiting list. It may really help to speak freely with a trained counsellor to help you work out your next step.

Trouty, please draw the line now. Is this what you want for ever? I would suggest go away if the budget allows, for as long as work and finance allows. Examine your behaviour and ask yourself if you have been a bit of a pain, if the answer is yes, address that, however that does not excuse in any way your whole family victimising you. They are not a nice lot. Bullying you. Is that what you want? The fact they think it’s normal say much more about them, not you. Make sure you get half of everything, so see a solicitor before you make any decision, it has life long implications. The trouble with bullies they always make it appear their victim is in the wrong, when it’s done by four people what chance have you got. Show them. If you decide to stay set your own rules and boundaries, get a thick skin. Good luck.

Trouty, did you ever think of your daughters as spoiled brats? From the little you have written you have done your best. You are a little mother still going out to earn to help your family, and if I were part of your family I'd give you all the moral support I could.

I wonder if your husband is perhaps a little jealous of your ability to hold down a stressful job on top of all the mothering you have done and apparently are still doing.

Your family may come to understand that perfection does not exist.

I am so sorry a horrible situation for you, lots of good advice here and I wish you all the best.

Trouty, it seems your job gives you the satisfaction of knowing that some people do regard you as a worthy and lovable person.

'Drama queen ' and "opinionated' are not very terrible condemnations, if at all . It sounds as if your husband is a fine one to be calling someone else "opinionated" ! You have a right to opinions based on your experience and attainments.

I wish you all the best for your opinions ! I hope your daughters for their own sakes are able to hold reasonable opinions.

I am sorry to read your post Trouty. I have never been a perfect parent but tried my best. When you are older sometimes what was your best can be judged not good enough.

I noticed you say your hormones fluctuate. I had this for decades where every month I made plans in my head to leave and was so short tempered.
Last year I was put on the pill for long covid inflammation and as part of that my hormones have levelled. But I was still bleeding constantly so the GP has put me on 2 pills a day - minipill - and my hormones are not fluctuating I am so at peace with myself.
I don't mean for that to sound dismissive I can't say enough how much I feel better without the fluctuations and how much stronger I feel.

As for your family I would feel cornered.
Part of me would want to get out now and start afresh. Like you say you are on latest this week. If you can afford some space I would move out. My thoughts are with you.?

You can do your absolute best for some adult children and it will never be good enough. I actually think they often need to be left to their own devices a bit more to allow them the space to finally grow up. And trying to act as peacemaker is rarely a good idea and more likely to backfire on you. Let them sort their own disagreements out, or not.

Poor Trouty, you must be feeling so exhausted. I think a break from home is a good idea, maybe a yoga retreat or something like that? Somewhere supportive to focus on you.

Then the first relationship to address is with your husband. If you decide you want this to continue, I'd say marriage guidance was essential. If he refuses, then I think you should consider moving on.

Trouty I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and I can quite understand why.

You seem to have accepted that you are a "bad mother" and I wonder if this has given everyone in your family a useful scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in their lives. It is so much easier to blame someone else for one's misfortunes or deficits.

I think you need to get away for a while if you possibly can but also to get some counselling so that you can learn to accept yourself - faults and all. None of us is perfect but from what you say you have done your very best to support your family. If you have made mistakes - as I'm sure we all have - that doesn't entitle others to pull you to pieces and make you feel so wretched.

I wish you all the best and hope that you have someone who can offer you some friendship and kindness. I'm sure everyone on here wishes the same for you.

Good post Smileless.
Katie well done on making a new better life for yourself.
Please get some support Trouty. You deserve better. Shame on your husband.

If you cannot get nhs help do try some charity agencies they are out there or even online course in self help and self esteem
I m sorry to say this but I think the blame lies with your husband and you ve no idea how long he’s been goading your children
Of course we all make mistakes I could write a book with the mistakes I ve made and I m sure we all can

DO NOT blame yourself I bet he couldn’t do a better job I want to come round and whop him one

Trouty Is your husband the father of children? I assume so! His behaviour and disloyalty is reprehensible! And he is not helping your AC by telling them it would be better if you were not here!!

Have you talked to your Dr to try to access support asap? I really think you urgently need to talk to someone to help you to see a way through this situation and decide a way forward.

Some have suggested considering whether what was said in the messages has validity but I think you really do need help from someone if you want to do that, you cannot manage this alone. Is there a friend who could help perhaps? I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and as you are I think finding support is an absolute priority for you.

Good for your Katie

“, and he was basically slagging me off to each of the them individually and there was a whole WhatsApp discussion saying life would be better if I wasn’t there..”

My sympathies, I would take that as my cue to leave and put all the stress behind me.

I’ve been there in a different way, my eldest son brought a very aggressive DIL into the house and turned the whole family against me, so I was gone. They didnt like that I took a heap of cash with me, happiest for many years now with a man who cares.

Your AC need to listen and understand that they are not the only ones who are hurting Trouty. They are adults and need to behave as such.

What kind of self absorbed AC tells their mother who clearly loves them and has done her best that she is emotionally unstable and a drama Queen, while colluding with their father, in what is nothing more than slagging her off.

We are responsible for how we raise our children but are not responsible for them once they are adults. They are responsible for themselves because that is what being an adult is all about.

I hope you'll soon be able to access the help and support you need but you are not the only one who needs 'fixing'. Your AC and in particular your husband need some fixing too.

Your H and your AC are abusing you. You deserve better and I'm not convinced that any of them deserve you. I'm sorry but your H's a disgrace. He should be ashamed of himself and I hope one day that he is.

If he's so convinced that they'd all be better off without you, then why didn't he do something years ago when your children were little, if he and they were being so badly affected?

I'll tell you why, because despite being less than perfect which we all are, he couldn't have managed without you and in all probability your children couldn't have either.

It is not "fine for them to vent and to be disrespectful" PLEASE Trouty value yourself. recognise your own self worth because if you don't no one else will and that includes your D's, and the one you believed to be your soul mate.

In my 8 plus years on GN this must be one of the most upsetting OP's I have ever read.

Oh trouty this is one of the saddest posts I have ever read.
I think the relationship with your DH is the most important. I would have to tell him I read the messages. You need to talk to him. Maybe he feels insecure with your DDs and that is why he is siding with them against you.

We all have complicated relationships with our children at times.
The one with your DH is what is important here. He has no right to say such things to your AC.

I hope you can work it out.
Please let us know how you are.

No there isn’t much help out there. Answering some of the points made no there is no favourites when it comes to my family. I don’t feel sorry for myself.. I already have a ton of guilt on my shoulders and some of the “advice” isn’t helping.. it’s coming over as judgemental.. name calling and put downs is t expressing yourself nor is going behind someone’s back.. I put my had up and admit I haven’t been the perfect parent and as any parent knows teenagers are particularly difficult and so are adult children. I have a self help book called when parents hurt and I am taking steps to resolve this.. but there has to be a line in the sand..

What an awful situation!

If it was me, I think I would be tempted to access those messages again and actually take photos of them with my own phone, as proof that they exist if this is denied at some future time!

Trouty I feel for you and what you've described. There's not much help out there at the moment so you need to look after yourself and create some distance from your family if you can. The betrayal by your husband is unforgivable and made me wonder about HIS family, has he made a practice of siding with the kids? It's what a lot of men do.
You say you've read a lot and I wondered if you'd come across Pete Walker, an American psychogist who has done a lot of work on family trauma, his website is excellent
"Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy" www.pete-walker.com/
I think you should take care of yourself first, your life sounds very stressful and I hope you have some support outside of your family.

I think you need to have another talk to your doctor and really impress on them how low you feel. There are a lot of different services available and perhaps one with a shorter waiting list. You need help now. Go fight for it.

Having a WhatsApp group with your husband to put you down sounds awful. Just check though that you are being honest with yourself over what you read there. Is it true and valid or is it petty and laughing at your expense?

I understand your difficulties as a parent as my upbringing also left me with mental health issues. The thing is though that we are responsible for them now as adults. Whatever we went through, we have children and we are responsible for any parenting mistakes as a result of a bad childhood. There are no excuses. Sorry. The work must be done to be able to be a good parent. All mistakes are forgivable when we learn how to stop making the same ones.

Get help ASAP, and think about your soul mate. Is he being there for your daughters or is he too abusing you by alienating them from you? That's what you need to unravel in counselling as a priority.

Apologies without actions to fix what is broken are meaningless.

How is your youngest nasty?

You also said your DDs are disrespectful
Do they agree on that with you?
Speaking up their minds has nothing to do with respect

Getting along with your son but not DDs may reflect the same favouritism that your parents showed when you were growing up?

Thanks for the background for the last 10 years - but that is little piece of the puzzle.
I am taking about decades of family dynamics play a role in this

Are you aware how your depression, anxiety, mood changes, lack of self esteem, etc affect kids growing up?

At this point, run for help to fix you.
I am sure your family is frustrated and want you to be happy.
Feeling like a victim of your own life never takes you anywhere

I have always suffered from anxiety and depression as well as fluctuations in hormones. I’ve always worked hard to provide for my family and tried to be there emotionally as well as physically and financially. We had the usual ups and downs and we were never the waltons.. for those who ask I have a good relationship with DS. I can also suffer from stress and this has a knock on fluctuating my mood. My girls are very close in age. To give you a potted background of the last 10yrs.. my father died, oldest daughter got married, husband had stage 4 NHL went into remission, daughters marriage broke down as youngest daughter was getting married. Refereed many a screaming match between them. Helped them all out financially as best we could. I have extremely low self esteem and self worth and every time I read or hear a criticism it validates the negativity I feel about myself. My fight or flight activates and I always choose flight.. withdrawing into myself and distancing. My youngest daughter is really nasty. I know they are hurting and I’ve listened and apologised but I don’t know how to fix it. I’m currently reading books on the subject and trying mindfulness.. I am trying but I don’t have the tools to fix it.

I think you should not admit to reading the messages as this will cloud the ongoing issues you have with your family members, and shift the focus of the attention (or inevitable fall-out) which will result in you laying yourself open to more criticism.

Instead, perhaps you should look on the contents of those texts as unfiltered and honest information about how your family members view you, whether you like this or not. Of course I understand how this must be devastating for you but I would urge caution in reacting angrily in defence and suggest you take some time to gather your thoughts and decide how you want to proceed.

I want to gently suggest that you need to look at your behaviour and reactions, perhaps by exploring this through counselling rather than discussing with a friend who will not want to add to your hurt by being honest enough. If all of your family feel this way and accuse you of not listening and so on, it seems obvious that many of the faults may lie with you.

It seems to me that you must change some aspects of your behaviour as you seem to ignore what your nearest and dearest have tried to point out over many years. Perhaps you need to acknowledge their difficulties in dealing with you and ask yourself if the criticisms are valid. For example, ARE you ’drama queen’? Are you judgemental with your children and others? Opinionated? What are the situations when you are accused of not listening?

It can’t be easy to feel betrayed like this, and of course I do understand your hurt feelings, but I must say that rather than a deliberate betrayal, their intention in these private messages is to share their own hurt and frustrations with each other about you.

Do you see what I am getting at? You have had a glimpse into how your family members regard you, it was not a deliberate act to hurt you any more than any other chats, phone call discussions or emails without you present. We all speak freely when criticising others who are not present and we may speak more honestly too.

I think you must lick your wounds and try to stay calm. We can all get stuck in a rut or a cycle of behaviour which isn’t good for us or others around us BUT we each have the opportunity change and grow and improve ourselves.

I wish you well and hope you can resolve some of these issues by talking to a professional so that you can approach your husband first, as your soul mate, to discuss how you should then proceed to reconnect with your family members.

How about your relationship with your ds?

Online therapy sessions are available in the US.
Is it the same in the UK?