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Feel so alone

(66 Posts)
Trouty Sun 05-Sep-21 14:08:48

Hi everyone looking for some advice. I have 4 grown up children, 3 DD and 1DS. I have been married over 30 years and my husband is my soul mate.. or so I thought. I had a troubled upbringing. My parents had a toxic relationship which transferred to me and my siblings. Mum was and still is ultra critical to me and my sister but loved the boys. Dad died a number of years ago. I unfortunately don’t have a great relationship with my 3 DDs. Over the last few years they have told me straight I’m emotionally unstable and me and my family have gave them anxiety and a high level of ACES. I tried as much as I could to be a good mum, always supported them, stuck up for them, protected them and nurture them as much as I could. They are very close, although it’s not always been the case, and feel it’s fine for them to vent and be disrespectful but if I try and explain I’m accused of not listening, being a drama Queen etc.. last night I read messages on my husbands phone, terrible I know, and he was basically slagging me off to each of the them individually and there was a whole WhatsApp discussion saying life would be better if I wasn’t there.. and how fed up they are with me. I can’t win if I contact them the either ignore me or accuse me of meddling and if I don’t then I’m accused of not caring.. I have 3 grandchildren who I adore but I rarely see 2 of them. Sorry of the long post I’m just absolutely gutted.. I feel like an outsider in my own family and sometimes think I’m better off not here.

Smileless2012 Sun 05-Sep-21 14:17:04

OMG Trouty I don't know what to say but was so shocked by your OP that I couldn't ignore it.

Do you have a relative or friend you could go and stay with, who you trust enough to share this with? I think you need some space, both physically and emotionally while you try to assimilate your husband's dreadful betrayal, and your ungrateful and uncaring adult children.

Namsnanny Sun 05-Sep-21 14:22:49

Trouty finding those messages must have been such a shock for you.
Is it possible to go away for a day or two?
You might be better off putting some distance between you.
I should have thought you are going through a lot of emotions that dont need to spill out onto others and make the situation worse for you.

Elless Sun 05-Sep-21 14:24:22

So sorry to hear of your troubles Trouty you must be devastated, we all try to do our best for our children but unfortunately it gets misconstrued and we can't do right for doing wrong. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband first and foremost, you say you thought he was your soulmate so hopefully you can talk to him? He should be supporting you not ganging up on you. Take care.

Namsnanny Sun 05-Sep-21 14:24:27

You put it better Smileless2012!!

BlueBelle Sun 05-Sep-21 14:24:53

That’s truely awful, I really feel for your and I do wonder how long your soul mate has been egging them on I completely blame him as it sounds like he s been a great stirrer
What a complete and utter betrayal
I would try and find some counselling where you can actually talk out your side of things and yes if you can get away for a break I d go and let them blooming wonder where you are
and I d think long and hard about your marriage, that’s a huge betrayal on his part

Chardy Sun 05-Sep-21 14:40:45

Trouty We all do the best we can as a mum. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. So sorry that your family feels this way.
You don't say how old you are, whether you earn enough to support yourself - the decisions you make do really depend on this 2 things.
Good luck

nadateturbe Sun 05-Sep-21 14:41:16

Trouty that is so awful and so unbelievable but not your fault. None of us are perfectly
parents but we all just do our best. I would start by talking to your husband. But you really do need some counselling to talk about this. And yes get away if you can. You will get through this horrible

Trouty Sun 05-Sep-21 14:47:49

Thank you for your kind words.. he knows something is up today as I’ve hardly been able to look at him. I work full time and have a stressful job but have good supportive colleagues who I’m lucky enough to call my friends. I’m on lates this week so I won’t see that much of him.

Hithere Sun 05-Sep-21 15:13:49

A crisis is a golden opportunity to improve

Dysfunction is usually generational - why not address the concerns you have been given with a professional?

grandtanteJE65 Sun 05-Sep-21 15:22:00

There are two ways forward that I can see and neither of them will be easy.

Either you admit to your husband that you read messages on his phone that obviously were not meant for your eyes, and that you are devasted about the opinions expressed in them, so can you please sit down together and discuss the whole thing, or you tell yourself sternly that you read something that you shouldn't and that your husband hasn't the courage to say to your face, so you will just have to ignore it, and move on.

I would find the latter course of action impossible, but admitting that you have put yourself in the wrong by reading his messages is going to be hard too.

Why did you? Did you suspect something was up?

You attribute part of the relationship issues you have with your chidlren to your own relationship to your parents - you may well be right, but have you ever discussed this with a phsycologist? No-one else can really say whether your feeling is right or not and professional counselling might be a help in this ghastly situation.

BlueBelle Sun 05-Sep-21 15:35:44

I would not be able to forget the messages I had seen so I would admit that I read them he can like it or lump it

Who of us has never looked at something we shouldn’t have many many moons ago I was very worried about some money transactions and opened a letter of my ex s unfortunately this dizzy mare was trying to get it back in the window envelope so fast that she didn’t see she’d put it in with address side NOT in the window dah

Trouty Sun 05-Sep-21 15:47:37


A crisis is a golden opportunity to improve

Dysfunction is usually generational - why not address the concerns you have been given with a professional?

Thank you for your input. I have spoken to to the local MHT and unfortunately due to covid and budget cuts all MH services have been cut to the bone. I am on a very long waiting list for interpersonal relationship therapy.

rafichagran Sun 05-Sep-21 15:51:54

This must be alful for you and your husband has behaved disgracefully, like Bluebelle he was stirring.
I would however like to know why do your daughters feel like this, have you bought this on yourself, or has your husband been goading them about you for a long time?
For your own sake please find out why your daughters feel as they do, as it is 3 off them that feel like this

Eviebeanz Sun 05-Sep-21 15:55:34

Do you often look at messages on his phone or was there something that got your spidey senses tingling on this particular occasion that made you look? It might be a good starting point to acknowledge what that was.

AGAA4 Sun 05-Sep-21 16:43:02

I too would want to know why 4 of my family feel this way.
I don't think your husband should be talking about you to your daughters. If there is a problem he should speak to you.
I would have to ask them all outright what is going on and then you are in a better position to sort things out with them.

Hithere Sun 05-Sep-21 16:50:02

Online therapy sessions are available in the US.
Is it the same in the UK?

Hithere Sun 05-Sep-21 17:12:44

How about your relationship with your ds?

CotswoldGrannie Sun 05-Sep-21 17:30:42

I think you should not admit to reading the messages as this will cloud the ongoing issues you have with your family members, and shift the focus of the attention (or inevitable fall-out) which will result in you laying yourself open to more criticism.

Instead, perhaps you should look on the contents of those texts as unfiltered and honest information about how your family members view you, whether you like this or not. Of course I understand how this must be devastating for you but I would urge caution in reacting angrily in defence and suggest you take some time to gather your thoughts and decide how you want to proceed.

I want to gently suggest that you need to look at your behaviour and reactions, perhaps by exploring this through counselling rather than discussing with a friend who will not want to add to your hurt by being honest enough. If all of your family feel this way and accuse you of not listening and so on, it seems obvious that many of the faults may lie with you.

It seems to me that you must change some aspects of your behaviour as you seem to ignore what your nearest and dearest have tried to point out over many years. Perhaps you need to acknowledge their difficulties in dealing with you and ask yourself if the criticisms are valid. For example, ARE you ’drama queen’? Are you judgemental with your children and others? Opinionated? What are the situations when you are accused of not listening?

It can’t be easy to feel betrayed like this, and of course I do understand your hurt feelings, but I must say that rather than a deliberate betrayal, their intention in these private messages is to share their own hurt and frustrations with each other about you.

Do you see what I am getting at? You have had a glimpse into how your family members regard you, it was not a deliberate act to hurt you any more than any other chats, phone call discussions or emails without you present. We all speak freely when criticising others who are not present and we may speak more honestly too.

I think you must lick your wounds and try to stay calm. We can all get stuck in a rut or a cycle of behaviour which isn’t good for us or others around us BUT we each have the opportunity change and grow and improve ourselves.

I wish you well and hope you can resolve some of these issues by talking to a professional so that you can approach your husband first, as your soul mate, to discuss how you should then proceed to reconnect with your family members.

Trouty Sun 05-Sep-21 17:52:00

I have always suffered from anxiety and depression as well as fluctuations in hormones. I’ve always worked hard to provide for my family and tried to be there emotionally as well as physically and financially. We had the usual ups and downs and we were never the waltons.. for those who ask I have a good relationship with DS. I can also suffer from stress and this has a knock on fluctuating my mood. My girls are very close in age. To give you a potted background of the last 10yrs.. my father died, oldest daughter got married, husband had stage 4 NHL went into remission, daughters marriage broke down as youngest daughter was getting married. Refereed many a screaming match between them. Helped them all out financially as best we could. I have extremely low self esteem and self worth and every time I read or hear a criticism it validates the negativity I feel about myself. My fight or flight activates and I always choose flight.. withdrawing into myself and distancing. My youngest daughter is really nasty. I know they are hurting and I’ve listened and apologised but I don’t know how to fix it. I’m currently reading books on the subject and trying mindfulness.. I am trying but I don’t have the tools to fix it.

Hithere Sun 05-Sep-21 18:54:10

Apologies without actions to fix what is broken are meaningless.

How is your youngest nasty?

You also said your DDs are disrespectful
Do they agree on that with you?
Speaking up their minds has nothing to do with respect

Getting along with your son but not DDs may reflect the same favouritism that your parents showed when you were growing up?

Thanks for the background for the last 10 years - but that is little piece of the puzzle.
I am taking about decades of family dynamics play a role in this

Are you aware how your depression, anxiety, mood changes, lack of self esteem, etc affect kids growing up?

At this point, run for help to fix you.
I am sure your family is frustrated and want you to be happy.
Feeling like a victim of your own life never takes you anywhere

VioletSky Sun 05-Sep-21 19:03:19

I think you need to have another talk to your doctor and really impress on them how low you feel. There are a lot of different services available and perhaps one with a shorter waiting list. You need help now. Go fight for it.

Having a WhatsApp group with your husband to put you down sounds awful. Just check though that you are being honest with yourself over what you read there. Is it true and valid or is it petty and laughing at your expense?

I understand your difficulties as a parent as my upbringing also left me with mental health issues. The thing is though that we are responsible for them now as adults. Whatever we went through, we have children and we are responsible for any parenting mistakes as a result of a bad childhood. There are no excuses. Sorry. The work must be done to be able to be a good parent. All mistakes are forgivable when we learn how to stop making the same ones.

Get help ASAP, and think about your soul mate. Is he being there for your daughters or is he too abusing you by alienating them from you? That's what you need to unravel in counselling as a priority.

Jillyjosie Sun 05-Sep-21 19:34:09

Trouty I feel for you and what you've described. There's not much help out there at the moment so you need to look after yourself and create some distance from your family if you can. The betrayal by your husband is unforgivable and made me wonder about HIS family, has he made a practice of siding with the kids? It's what a lot of men do.
You say you've read a lot and I wondered if you'd come across Pete Walker, an American psychogist who has done a lot of work on family trauma, his website is excellent
"Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy"
I think you should take care of yourself first, your life sounds very stressful and I hope you have some support outside of your family.

MamaCaz Sun 05-Sep-21 19:49:57

What an awful situation!

If it was me, I think I would be tempted to access those messages again and actually take photos of them with my own phone, as proof that they exist if this is denied at some future time!

Trouty Sun 05-Sep-21 19:54:17

No there isn’t much help out there. Answering some of the points made no there is no favourites when it comes to my family. I don’t feel sorry for myself.. I already have a ton of guilt on my shoulders and some of the “advice” isn’t helping.. it’s coming over as judgemental.. name calling and put downs is t expressing yourself nor is going behind someone’s back.. I put my had up and admit I haven’t been the perfect parent and as any parent knows teenagers are particularly difficult and so are adult children. I have a self help book called when parents hurt and I am taking steps to resolve this.. but there has to be a line in the sand..