Feel so alone

I too would want to know why 4 of my family feel this way.
I don't think your husband should be talking about you to your daughters. If there is a problem he should speak to you.
I would have to ask them all outright what is going on and then you are in a better position to sort things out with them.

Do you often look at messages on his phone or was there something that got your spidey senses tingling on this particular occasion that made you look? It might be a good starting point to acknowledge what that was.

This must be alful for you and your husband has behaved disgracefully, like Bluebelle he was stirring.
I would however like to know why do your daughters feel like this, have you bought this on yourself, or has your husband been goading them about you for a long time?
For your own sake please find out why your daughters feel as they do, as it is 3 off them that feel like this

Hithere

A crisis is a golden opportunity to improve

Dysfunction is usually generational - why not address the concerns you have been given with a professional?

Thank you for your input. I have spoken to to the local MHT and unfortunately due to covid and budget cuts all MH services have been cut to the bone. I am on a very long waiting list for interpersonal relationship therapy.

I would not be able to forget the messages I had seen so I would admit that I read them he can like it or lump it

Who of us has never looked at something we shouldn’t have many many moons ago I was very worried about some money transactions and opened a letter of my ex s unfortunately this dizzy mare was trying to get it back in the window envelope so fast that she didn’t see she’d put it in with address side NOT in the window dah

There are two ways forward that I can see and neither of them will be easy.

Either you admit to your husband that you read messages on his phone that obviously were not meant for your eyes, and that you are devasted about the opinions expressed in them, so can you please sit down together and discuss the whole thing, or you tell yourself sternly that you read something that you shouldn't and that your husband hasn't the courage to say to your face, so you will just have to ignore it, and move on.

I would find the latter course of action impossible, but admitting that you have put yourself in the wrong by reading his messages is going to be hard too.

Why did you? Did you suspect something was up?

You attribute part of the relationship issues you have with your chidlren to your own relationship to your parents - you may well be right, but have you ever discussed this with a phsycologist? No-one else can really say whether your feeling is right or not and professional counselling might be a help in this ghastly situation.

A crisis is a golden opportunity to improve

Dysfunction is usually generational - why not address the concerns you have been given with a professional?

Thank you for your kind words.. he knows something is up today as I’ve hardly been able to look at him. I work full time and have a stressful job but have good supportive colleagues who I’m lucky enough to call my friends. I’m on lates this week so I won’t see that much of him.

Trouty that is so awful and so unbelievable but not your fault. None of us are perfectly
parents but we all just do our best. I would start by talking to your husband. But you really do need some counselling to talk about this. And yes get away if you can. You will get through this horrible time.

Trouty We all do the best we can as a mum. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. So sorry that your family feels this way.
You don't say how old you are, whether you earn enough to support yourself - the decisions you make do really depend on this 2 things.
Good luck

That’s truely awful, I really feel for your and I do wonder how long your soul mate has been egging them on I completely blame him as it sounds like he s been a great stirrer
What a complete and utter betrayal
I would try and find some counselling where you can actually talk out your side of things and yes if you can get away for a break I d go and let them blooming wonder where you are
and I d think long and hard about your marriage, that’s a huge betrayal on his part

You put it better Smileless2012!!

So sorry to hear of your troubles Trouty you must be devastated, we all try to do our best for our children but unfortunately it gets misconstrued and we can't do right for doing wrong. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband first and foremost, you say you thought he was your soulmate so hopefully you can talk to him? He should be supporting you not ganging up on you. Take care.

Trouty finding those messages must have been such a shock for you.
Is it possible to go away for a day or two?
You might be better off putting some distance between you.
I should have thought you are going through a lot of emotions that dont need to spill out onto others and make the situation worse for you.

OMG Trouty I don't know what to say but was so shocked by your OP that I couldn't ignore it.

Do you have a relative or friend you could go and stay with, who you trust enough to share this with? I think you need some space, both physically and emotionally while you try to assimilate your husband's dreadful betrayal, and your ungrateful and uncaring adult children.