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Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

(138 Posts)
Clio51 Sat 09-Oct-21 10:33:51

So as I said we’re both retired now, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or even controlling?

Dh will on the day say I’m going to xxxx
Doesn’t even consider if I want to do anything together this nearly always leads to a row.
It’s not that I mind him doing his own thing for a few hours, I just feel other things like
Hobbies come before me and I’m the last resort

Like yesterday he cancelled his tennis from Saturday to Sunday
So this morning he says “ I’m going to take the bike out today”
No thoughts of me in their, or if I wanted to do/go something together
He then says, we can do something after tennis tomorrow, which would be 1-1.30pm
I felt it was like he could fit me in

The other week, he did his own things 5 days on the run, it never even dawned on him ME until I bought it to his attention

Yesterday we had decorators in, we still had things to move out off bedrooms to take down etc.
He decided to go to shops first, he went 9.30
Said he’d be back before decorator came
10. 30
It’s was a good job I started it, because they came at 10.10 with still few things to move
He came back, they were here.
He had to take mirrors off the wall in bedroom, he smashed it !
Why did he not bloody think “ I’ll go to shops later, when things are sorted”
It’s his routine every day! Out to shops around 9.30-10.30.

I’m I being unreasonable? Please tell me I’d like others views.
How does your retirement day to day plan out?

SpringyChicken Sat 09-Oct-21 23:25:09

It sounds like you are resentful when he is busy and you are left at home alone. Do you feel trapped? Do you have your own car? You'd feel a lot happier if you had a social life of your own and your own transport. Ask friends to share outings to the garden centre, walks, browsing shops, coffee and cake.

Make a list of things you want to do and put them on the calendar. Part of the problem seems that in your mind, he springs on you his plans for the day and those things exclude you. Booking your 'slots' well in advance might avoid this.

Clio51 Sun 10-Oct-21 00:28:48

The main thing the pi.... me off is he Never ever sees anything needed in the house.
The kitchen is the same as it was when we moved in 18 yrs ago !
It was I that cut a worktop down so that we could put the fridge freezer in the kitchen as I was fed up off going into garage to get things out of fridge especially in winter door open and closed.
He’s never said I’ll paint the xxxx it’s left to me
This time the bedrooms needed badly doing, I’m No fit enough to do it, he’s not interested
So I payed for decorator as he’s no money so he says because off his 2 cars & motorbike ins & car maintenance & tax
There his priority
I do resent this as we don’t need 3 cars
When I met him 20 yrs ago, he sold his motorbike before we got together
It was only when he got some inheritance that he bought another one 15 yrs later
He’s spent £££ on designer motorbike gear
Yet won’t spent on the house to look nice, it a bike where there’s only about 50 left in the world, and I think he luvs the fact off that
It’s all he talks about bikes, bikes I’m sick off it to be honest.
Every night he’s on the laptop from 8-11pm looking at bikes, on bike/car forums
Yet if I watch something on tv that he thinks is wrong ie bit in film violence or something sad it “ why you watching this”

His bedtime routine is exactly the same most night mainly 11.10pm I can time it to a tee.

I think I’m going to start doing things for ME, not thinking he wants to be with me for the afternoon.
When he says, “ what we doing, I will say I’m going out”
Not to get my own back, he never ever says
Let’s go to xxx it’s always “where do you want to go”
I’ve asked him to decide but hardly ever comes up with anything or we end up staying in

From now on I’m putting myself first, I’ll go places on my own. I do have my own car
It’s just I think “ it’s nice to go together and choose things together” it’s now just clicked he’s not interested or wants to pay for anything nice for our home
But then that means I have to pay to keep a house nice(how I like it) and he gets the benefits
A nice house is important to me, as I luv nice things as we spend a lot off time at home.
Also I came from a large family 6 sisters and my mum brought us up alone as dad died when I was very young toddler. So times were very hard back in the 50/60’s

His dad was exactly the same as him I think from what I’ve learnt. His mum divorced his dad because he never did anything
Bikes were also in his blood

I’m not happy how I have to
Decide where to go
Pay for anything I suggest for interior house decor, but the he says “ it’s my house too, you don’t get to decide” ie furniture, painting etc even if I end up paying myself
He sits on the internet night after night, but picks me up on what I watch and what time I go to bed
He hates me reading in bed with light on, yet he’s asleep within 5 minutes!

Sorry ladies for going on, I think I need to vent

Judy54 Sun 10-Oct-21 16:38:42

Clio51 I understand your frustration and that you find it difficult to plan ahead as you suffer from anxiety. The only way for your retirement to work and for you both to be happy, is to communicate your feelings to each other. You both sound resentful of each other and only the two of you can resolve this. We can all give advice and comment here on GN but ultimately what you decide is yours and your Husband's choice. I hope that you both find a way forward.

rafichagran Sun 10-Oct-21 16:52:01

Clio Do you know how lucky you are I will retire in 18 months, cannot wait, I will be 66. I dont care if my partner has hobbies. He is a good standard marathon runner. While he is out of the house he is not under my feet. Also I like to do things on my own it's great and he does not object.

We never ask each other if we
can, we just do. Sometimes if I am going somewhere I will say do you want to come, sometimes its yes, sometimes it's no. No problem with either.

If I wanted furniture cleared I would just ask and he will do it or I would do it myself.

As for the washing situation, you know when he does it, just add yours like I do, again no problems.
In answer to your question I dont think you are controlling, just unreasonable.

Poppyred Sun 10-Oct-21 17:20:12

Why are you with him?? Is the house in both your names? Would you be able to buy somewhere else with your share? If so do it! Life is too short to be miserable.

Start by sleeping in your own bedroom, you can read at your leisure. You’ve put up with this bl** nonsense for far too long!

If a divorce is not what you want then put your foot down, tell him how you feel and make changes.

Neen Mon 11-Oct-21 23:25:14

Sometimes people are just on different paths in the end. I certainly am with my soon to be ex husband. That said I'm not suggesting divorce.
If you've said your feeling a little lost and left out and he continues, then I'd simply make a life for yourself too, spa days and swimming or afternoon tea, have your nails done, join a walking group ,(Eventbrite app often have walking groups and craft groups and all sorts actually ) , or whatever your thing is, art classes, learn a language , yoga, join meditation at your nearest Buddha centre etc . Find you , enjoy you x

BigBertha1 Tue 12-Oct-21 06:50:24

As someone else you need to communicate. We sit down at least once a week with our diaries to plan things out. I would be very interested to hear your husbands side of this I would bet he is just as frustrated as you are.

Juliet27 Tue 12-Oct-21 07:19:38

My thoughts too nonogran… “bachelor with benefits.”

nanna8 Tue 12-Oct-21 07:31:00

Join your own groups and if you are out when he wants lunch or whatever - too bad. I wouldn’t want my husband around all the time breathing down my neck, I’m glad when he goes to his social groups. That is the problem with Covid, too much of a good thing.

TerriBull Tue 12-Oct-21 07:39:15

My father was a bit like that and although he had every intention of my mother coming too he would announce pretty much whenever holidays came up "I thought I'd go here this year", my mother always replied "how nice, where am I going?" It was something she and I laughed about together, the way he was, inconsiderate! I think it was always a subliminal thought with me not to settle with a man like him! So no, if my husband is doing something different which is usually golf, he will make sure it doesn't clash with anything else, we tend to plan separate activities in advance and then run those past each other.

DanniRae Tue 12-Oct-21 08:09:48

Well, after reading this thread I have realised that Mr R is not "an annoying old s*d" but an amazing husband! Sorry Clio51 not at all helpful to you but very helpful to me!!

Smileless2012 Tue 12-Oct-21 09:22:11

DanniRaegrin.

Mr. S. simply tells me when he's bowling which is a couple of times a week, but if he wants an additional game he always asks if it's OK.

I'm a home bod so very content and happy to potter around the house when he's otherwise engaged but we spend a lot of time together.

I don't think you are being unreasonable Clio retirement is to be enjoyed as a couple and your H needs to understand that this is your time too.

M0nica Tue 12-Oct-21 16:31:06

It is not what the husband does in these circumstances, but whether things are mutally agreed. DH and I have always had one main and dominant interest that is not shared with the other.

As I said everything goes on the calendar, but if what is involved is not a regular commitment we always inform the other what is planned, apart from anything else, it stops double booking. DH: 'I have a committee meeting on the 14th', Me: Isn't that the evening that XYZ is happening? DH: Oh #@?!. so it is.'

dianne2265 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:34:46

Why does he need to go shopping every day?

Nannan2 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:36:42

Lucca😂😂

Brownowl564 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:39:16

I agree with part of what you say, except I can read maps very well and hubby can’t 😂

sandelf Wed 13-Oct-21 10:45:45

Are you sort of always putting him before anything you might pursue? If you are I'd suggest getting a routine of your own - get busy - then this won't be as important and you will have a happier life. Then it will be for him to sort out when YOU can be available. Read The Rules and Women who Love Too Much.

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Wed 13-Oct-21 10:46:53

This is why I am no longer married aftet 40+ years of him doing "his thing" and if I said anything I was being unreasonable. He would disappear at weekends and leave me with house/kids/animals as well as all the washing etc to get sorted ready for another working week. Once he retired it was worse and I finally decided I needed a life where someone put me first, me! On to his next victim now, poor woman must be desperate😬

Susysue Wed 13-Oct-21 10:48:01

Yet another reason why I got rid of my selfish git. Exactly the same selfish, self centred, self absorbed, unreasonable, lazy beyond words, twat of a man like your one is. Hopefully the only difference is he is not abusive to you like my one was.

Debsododaband Wed 13-Oct-21 10:48:31

I feel your pain Clio51, sounds like my husband and yours, could be brothers! Every time he does ANYTHING I will be told, regardless of the fact that before we both retired, I did it all, as I was “only” part time. I’m sure he only hangs the washing out, so the neighbours can see him doing it 😂 I take myself off to do crafting, and you can bet your bottom dollar, he will want me to “help” with something.

Enid101 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:49:14

I guess the thing missing here is communication. Could you try having a chat every Sunday night to plan out the week ahead so you both are aware of what each of you wants to do? It doesn’t have to be rigid but gives you both the opportunity to discuss ideas and needs for the week ahead.

Daisend1 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:49:50

Get your priorities right he will soon learn
Stop being the good wife .
There are some excellent tips on here from Gn's Try them .

Nannan2 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:50:30

Just a thought- but hes displaying signs of an Autistic spectrum disorder- and as you say his dad was very much the same, well it can run in families.Bottom line is though, are you willing to stay with him like this, as he's not likely to change.If you say no, you must make sure you get your share of the house etc so you are secure for your future.

fluttERBY123 Wed 13-Oct-21 10:54:04

I think you need to get away from the house, both of you, for a weekend away or failing that a long lunch out. Tell him in advance you feel you are heading for a breakdown as current arrangements not working for you.
The aim is to agree on a rough weekly timetable of a activities and tasks. Would help.if you both prepared your own wish list beforehand. It wouldn't work if you stayed in the house to do it.
Also, we have a day by day ladder type calendar that lists stuff like gp appts and plumbers visits and look at that on a daily basis so no clashes.

Grandma2002 Wed 13-Oct-21 11:00:40

I agree with previous poster that your dh is not a mind reader. When one of his àctivities arises do you say can I come with you? My dh and I do separate things all the time but get together on shared interests. If I asked to be included he would be delighted. We were like this before we retired so we always had something to talk about. I have found men become very focussed and single minded as they get older and need a gentle push now and then.
Have patience and be GLAD he is still with you ❤