Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

ExaltedWombat

Haven't you learnt anything in all your years on this Earth? :-) Don't 'expect' or drop hints - ASK.

Agreed! My husband openly admits he doesn't do hints but direct questions he's fine with.

May I ask what DH was like in general, pre your retirement? Is he a Loner, single-minded, unaware of your feelings? It isnt about not knowing where items are in a Shop, it is that he (worryingly) caters solely for himself. You need to have a serious talk with him.

We have a shared calendar on our phones so we can check our timing for our own activities. We both have regular fitness and hobby classes or meetings for social groups. If I want my DH to particularly be with me for something I put it in the calendar after discussing it with him. We both love retirement and our many activities give us something to talk about when we're together. I would hate to have to discuss every outing and I'm sure my DH would feel the same.

Sparky56, meals, here’s what ido with Mr B. Monday is my day off so I don’t do Amy cooking it’s up to him and he has to ask before he uses any fresh veg etc in the house as I might well have bought it because I have plans for it so he will just have to go the shops. Works very well and we do tend to eat a bit more. Just a suggestion.

I couldn’t put up with the way he treats you. He sounds like he’s your boss . All the car and motorcycle stuff wouldn’t bother me , but him dictating what you watch on tv or that you can’t read in bed is a very big no no from me . If I was you the first thing I would do is decorate the spare bedroom as you like it, then I’d get a new bed for it AND MOVE INTO IT. I’d also get a tv in there and a Netflix account. I’ve also got a small fridge and a teasmaid in mine and can remain there as much as I want .
If you’re not sharing a room with him none of his rules matter and you can read till 2 o’clock in the morning if you want to !

Clio51.
Why on earth are you two together?
You sound awful to live with,no wonder he escapes every day, to het away from you no doubt.
If its that awful leave him, poor guy give him a break!

Elvis58

Clio51.
Why on earth are you two together?
You sound awful to live with,no wonder he escapes every day, to het away from you no doubt.
If its that awful leave him, poor guy give him a break!

Well that’s pretty unkind

Remind yourself of why you married him.

I blame their mothers,also it seems to be a male thing,can only think of one thing at a time——- best plan you mention your plans the night before if you need help,otherwise let him do what he wants ——- give him a calendar and write down anything important ! Good luck

Perhaps after years of having to do what the boss or clients demand he’s enjoying some freedom. Why don’t you get some interests of your own that take you out of the house and leave him to his own devices, and also make a few plans for the two of you, tell him well ahead and write it in red on a calendar where he can’t miss it. If you’re out quite a lot I imagine he would notice it. You sound rather as though your life depends on him being around and asking you before he can make any arrangements of his own.

Burst of laughter from here ... so so true !!!

Interesting to read the mixed answers on here. I do think you are being a little unreasonable or even slightly controlling.

It sounds to me like you really would like DH to say in the morning 'what would you like to do today' and put you first. You come over as sounding weak and wanting to be asked what you want to do or even him suggesting something for both of you. In effect you want to come first and be put first. You sound like you are waiting for him to suggest something but know you will always be disappointed, you actually expect to be disappointed.

At the start of each week you should discuss any plans you have for the week ahead (and you should definitely have at least one or two things planned that you both do separately). Then on any days when both of you don't have anything planned you can decide to do something together. You should have one day a week when you both have a day out together.

You are responsible for your own happiness. It really is that simple.

It is sad to hear you say Clio51 "There is not really anything we like doing together" It seems that he has lots of interest outside the house and yours are in the house and garden. It sounds as though your lives have become unhappy and neither of you are prepared to compromise to meet the others needs. Not a lot more I can say except think about whether this is the way you want to live your life both now and in the future. It would be much better to sit down and discuss this because it won't go away and you and your Husband will only become more miserable. It's the only way to tackle it if you want a more harmonious relationship. I wish you well.

Do not rely on telepathy! Speak up for what you want - before you feel like screaming about him and what he does. All your thoughts are creating a place of unfairness and his being inconsiderate - so have a conversation about it. A calm one which acknowledges that he really hasn't been being 'mean' - he just didn't see it your way. You have a choice - to stick with your hurt thoughts (which I do understand) or to move to a place where you and he can talk and agree how you want your lives to be - both together and doing separate things when you want to. How you think - self talk - creates the world you live in - and you can change it! I wish you well.

Lucca

So glad I live on my own….

I was thinking the same thing!

I wasn't clear from your posts how finances are arranged. It sounds as if his money is for his stuff and your money is for house stuff but that may not be true. I hope for example that household bills are shared fairly.
Your posts have made me realise that things with us are working fairly well. That hasn't been without some effort tho.
We've been married 19 years and for the past 12 years have spent most days together. I work from home full time and DH is retired early due to health.
DH does house stuff while I am working, making lunch, washing up. He looks after GC. If you want something to happen in a certain way you need to speak up and say so. I hope it works out.

My DH is quite the opposite he wants us to do everything together which sometimes irritates me although he never minds if I meet friends. He’s not got any hobbies but loves gardening. I have to remind him to do things other than the normal day to day stuff but he’ll do it -eventually! I’d have a moan about not having enough ‘me’ time but after reading OP’s frustrations I think myself lucky. I personally could not live like that. As others have said serious conversations need to be had and differences ironed out or alternative more serious action should be considered. Life is too short to be that unhappy.

I'm a psychologist and for years have been asking women about this very issue. Yes you have to be direct with most men. They need to be told what you need/want/expect.

I'm glad I'm on my own as well.
Clio51 I think you need to take sometime and work out what exactly you would like to happen, what you want to change and what you want to keep.
For example would you want to be on your own or are you happier with someone?
I suspect your DH has always done his own thing but you expected things to change when he retired, only no one told him that.

Go out before he does and DON'T be at home with dinner ready when he comes back.
Even if you've no particular place to go you could pop to the supermarket, dress shop, friend's house, local park, anywhere.
Let him come home to an empty house. He's selfish.

He sounds very selfish to me

you sound as if you hate him.

also it sounds as if you inherited him, like a sitting tenant; but you must have chosen to marry him.
he sounds like he just wants a quiet life and you keep hounding him.
perhaps you'd both be better apart, not continuing to annoy each other. that's not much of a life.
blame is not a useful concept. try to make the most of life.
re-arrange what you can. life is brief.

Pam1969 Some women as well. I hatre being hinted at and expected to know. I am direct and expect everything to be up front and discussed. If something has to be said, I say it. If, the subject is 'difficult' I try to do it nicely and non-confrontationally as possible. This covers things as trivial as each knowing what the other is doing and liaising when dates clash

One of the thing I have learnt on GN is how many couples and families do not talk to each other and have a whole raft of issues that are never mentioned or consciously ignored.

I think I was rather naive about things like this before.

Dump him!!! I wish I had done it years ago but I didn't have the guts (and had three children). So now wish I had a husband who was not only a husband but a friend who I can share life with Instead I'm stuck with a grumpy, boring old man who does not want to do anything, won't get on a plane, won't do anything but eat, drink and live that day doing boring nothing. There is so much I want to do before I pop my clogs but I have no one to do it with. What a waste. So don;t compromise!!