Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

My dh and I do loads of things separately - he does more than I do. We have very good relationship and TBH I’m perfectly happy with it. He recently went on a week’s holiday abroad just with a rather older brother who might not be well enough in a year or two - I had not the slightest objection to that, either.

After retirement my parents did absolutely everything together, all the time - even the food shopping. I didn’t think it was at all good for my mother, who wasn’t very sociable anyway (my father was the opposite) so I’m sure that’s why she felt even more terribly lost after he died - she’d had no life of her own.
I never want a repeat of that sort of scenario.

I have a similar issue. My husband never suggests doing anything. It's up to me to say "It's a nice day, shall we go out"? He will agree but without much enthusiasm, and it is down to me to decide where to go. When we do go out, he generally quite enjoys it and we seem to get on better outside the house.

He spends no time with me when at home. Won't watch TV and keeps himself to himself.

Much as I would like companionship at home, and some enthusiasm for joint outings, I now have to make my own arrangements - follow my own interests and meet my friends regularly. I know it is not ideal, but perhaps you need to think along the lines of doing your own thing.

Separate lives he doesn't ask me anything we barely speak I envy people who live on their own unfortunately it's not an option for me at the moment

Has he always done his own thing and had his own interests before you were both retired? Who retired first ?
If he has always gone out on his own , just because you are both retired now, why would you assume that he'll suddenly realise that because you are home all day, that you will like a little bit of his time for you to spend together?
I think that you need to sit him down and just say to him that it would be really nice to go out to lunch/ go somewhere and spend the day together/ have an evening in with a DVD and a takeaway/ go to the cinema and maybe make it a one day a week thing ?
You need to find yourself things to do without him, so that you don't feel so bereft - volunteer (CAB is often looking for volunteer advisors and currently many are allowing you to do it from home - you do get training!) Age UK need volunteers on their phone lines to chat to people on their own also. How about joining a walking group?you can join on your own or together and make some new friends.
Maybe if you make plans for yourself, DH won't feel so pressurized to feel joined to your hip!

Haven't you learnt anything in all your years on this Earth? :-) Don't 'expect' or drop hints - ASK.

I'd be relieved..I'm always on catch up on what I want to do the worst thing would be to feel I was responsible for someone else's boredom. Freedom. However somehow he has got in first with his needs and diminished you. Not a good feeling! So you'll have to be a bit clever...would you rather do things with him than without him? or is it that he's made you feel like the housekeeper? Bit arrogant. All needs thinking about. What is really going on...which is it for example Do you want to do everything with him? Or Do you want him to do things with you? Get to the bottom of it then sort it. Mind you you cant make him want to do things with you but at least you can tell him it hurts you if that's the case and he wont be so blithe. I always knew when my partners wanted to go off alone because they would do some housework and I'd be pleased and off they go. But at least they had hoovered or whatever.

I retired 3 years ago my husband 2 years prior to that due to work stress, all he does from morning to night sometimes till 3am in the morning is watch tv or laptop he has gained 2 stone we have a dog and used to go together but then he said his hip hurt to much but will not go to the doctors to sort it out so ive built my own life now im out 2 hours with the dog in the morning ive met so many nice people on the walks and love this part of my day ive also got 2 parents in care homes so i am busy visiting them and in between that i meet friends for coffee and chat hes happy to be a couch potatoe and im happy with my lot ! not ideal for some but works for me its either that or leave but i cant afford too.

ExaltedWombat

Haven't you learnt anything in all your years on this Earth? :-) Don't 'expect' or drop hints - ASK.

Agree ExaltedWombat retirement is a big life change and couples need to talk about and agree on their expectations of this new life. Good to see you post again, haven't seen you on here for a while.

Will there ever be thread on here where there is no suggestion of someone being on the autism spectrum. Seems to be a catch all for every problem.

ElaineRI55

A key question is do you still love and care about each other? I'm no expert, but it does sound as though your husband may be on the autistic spectrum ( extreme fixation on bikes and needing routine etc). You have also said you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe while you both worked, a lot of issues were masked by work requirements/routine. It may be worth considering whether this is an opportunity to help each other and both be happier in the process. First step may be to find a calm moment when you're both quite relaxed and gently suggest you need to look at your routine to ensure you're both happy in retirement and as you get older. If he doesn't see that he has any issues, you might have to sell it as you need things to change as you're not as happy as you know you could/should be. I think it will need either a professional counselor or a specific structured approach maybe based on suggestions in a book or internet guide/course. If he won't do that, you might still be able to find strategies to help you approach things differently either by seeing a counselor on your own or reading up on some ways to identify whether he is on the autistic spectrum and how best to communicate if that seems to be the case. It would be a shame for either or both of you to be unhappy or harbour resentment in your retirement years. I hope you find a way to improve things.

This is the best answer on here, in my opinion.

I also think you need to see a councillor to find the root for both of you.

Think, OP, if in a quiet and calm moment you asked your husband "do you want to spend time with me" what do you, in your heart, think the answer would be. If he were to react in surprise then I think it's as others here have suggested, he's simply not factoring you or your feelings into his actions.

However - there's a lot of indications in your posts, OP, that make me think he's quite happy getting on and not including you.

Could you say "I'm very unhappy about being left out of your life" and then suggest a councillor. Once he starts to think about you, and your needs (which would include thinking about the day-to-day stuff like bins) I believe you'd see an improvement. But this can't be through rows or sulky silences or storming out. And I think that is where a councillor could help. Your GP might be able to help with recommendations.

Le15

I retired 3 years ago my husband 2 years prior to that due to work stress, all he does from morning to night sometimes till 3am in the morning is watch tv or laptop he has gained 2 stone we have a dog and used to go together but then he said his hip hurt to much but will not go to the doctors to sort it out so ive built my own life now im out 2 hours with the dog in the morning ive met so many nice people on the walks and love this part of my day ive also got 2 parents in care homes so i am busy visiting them and in between that i meet friends for coffee and chat hes happy to be a couch potatoe and im happy with my lot ! not ideal for some but works for me its either that or leave but i cant afford too.

Can I disagree with you?

You say that you are “busy visiting” your parents.

Surely you meant to say that your time is “taken/occupied visiting”.

How “busy” can visiting somebody really be.

Mr Barmey also like to do his own thing, so I have got into the habit of saying the evening before, what are your plans for tomorrow. I listen and then might just say ok OR well we NEED to do so and so, so I suggest you do it this way instead. I become assertive, I also make sure I have plans for doing stuff on my own that will inconvenience him, like doing something over lunch time so will have to do his own or over the main meal of the day leaving him to do it. Just put your foot down, heavy.

grounds for divorce

Your husband does sound very inconsiderate and annoying. I think whether you’re being unreasonable depends on how much you’ve tried to communicate with him about how his behaviour impacts you and what changes you would like. If you have tried and he has ignored you, YANBU. If you haven’t it would be worth trying that.

There have been some good ideas in this thread about planning ahead and being assertive which also sound helpful, if you haven’t already tried them.

Your husband sounds to me like he might be on the autistic spectrum. If so, this could make communication difficult. But if he is prepared to put himself out in order to get on with you, things could still improve. The struggle to communicate could be worth it. If not, it would be a case of do I want to put up with this or leave?

My H is not retired yet so I can’t comment on how retirement pans out. But he is extremely self-centred and although I have done my best to communicate about how his behaviour affects me and what I would prefer, he just appears to listen, promises change and then does nothing about it. He doesn’t care enough about getting on with me to put himself out and change anything. So I have decided to leave.

We did everything together. planned our many holidays and days out. He liked to cook and we always ate too much. He didn't watch the television programmes I liked and we read different books but he loved listening to music. We had ten years and he had a stroke and died recently. There was no time to say goodbye and I miss him dreadfully. I hope Clio51 you can find a happy medium and enjoy your life more. It can be suddenly cut short.

My husband does this but he is such a lovely sweet guy I don't mind. I let him know the dates I want him around and leave the rest to him.

vanecam if it makes you feel better yes it is taken/occupied the reason i said busy is because they are in seperate homes with different needs 10 miles apart dont think your comment bore any resemblance to the point i was making about retirement and how i cope with it

I honestly thought all women who have been married for more than a couple of years had realised that if you say, "Will you do such and such?" Dh answers, "Yes" understanding his wife's question to mean " do it sometime or other".

If you like me today you want the water to the outside tap turned of TODAY as the forecast is for night frost, then it is no good saying, "Will you turn off the water to the outside tap, please?

You have to specifiy "Now" or "this morning" or "when we have finished our morning coffee"

(And no, I can't do it myself, as I can't reach the blinking lever even from the step-stool. And no, I will not fetch a ladder in, because if I do the things DH should and can do, as well as my own work about the place, I shall be doing it all in two shakes of a lamb's tail)

Apart from that sit your DH down and tell him nicely that you need to sort out some kind of planning session for who does what, when, and when you do things together, as him just disappearing to do whatever without inquiring how you want to spend the day is driving you nuts.

Men don't think really, but most of them are amenable if you ask them to do something. Best to mention it the day before really "I'd like to do x together tomorrow" and then if he says "I'll just go to the shop before..." and you think he won't be back in time say "I'd rather you left the shop till later, just in case". I have to do that all the time with mine, and he's always compliant, he just isn't proactive. This morning I wanted him to help me change a light bulb (can't do ladders any more due to dizzies) and he moaned he was in the middle of something. I said you're always in the middle of something, would you have let me know when you finished and said "is there anything you'd like me to help you with my dear?" he got my point and did the light bulb. :D

All of you who complained about your OH (horrible expression - surely you are both individuals), seem to have lost sight of the fact that you chose to be in that relationship, so should take the bad with the good!
I'm single by choice - two marriages were enough for me , & although occasionally I miss having someone to go to the theatre or have dinner with, I am very happy in my own company, & can do what I like when I like. You all have a choice - and I bet you' d miss them if the were gone.

Do you actually have plans that he ruins? Do you tell him you want to do something on a specific day and he does something else instead?
Are you expecting to be spontaeneous with what you want to do? Have you always been this way or is it something new?
Maybe he needs more structure in his week, now that he's retired, than you do, hence the need to go to the shop same time every day.
Why the sudden need to do things together?
Getting angry isn't going to help. Think it through objectively. Being thrown together every hour of every day isn't good for the vast majority of couples, maybe he needs to replicate a work situation, seeing other people and having things to do.
I know my husband will suffer when he retires whilst I'm loving it. Men are just wired differently.

After reading your post it doesn't appear that the two of you would really get much enjoyment in spending more time in each other's company.

This sounds exactly like my husband Baggs but as some have said, the male mind doesn’t seem to work like ours. My husband takes it for granted that I plan, shop and cook all the meals. He very rarely helps and acts like he’s done a big favour if he washes up pans or oven trays once in a blue moon!
If I’m feeling under the weather (or just plain fed up of the continual meal routine) he MAY suggest getting take away. Very rarely he’ll suggest a meal out! I suppose as far as he’s concerned every meal is a ‘meal out’ as in there’s no input required by him!! I do sometimes have a hissy fit then he’ll be solicitous for a day or two then revert back.
I had a hysterectomy 12 years ago and 2 years before that a major op for bowel cancer (followed by months of chemo)
He seemed to think the hysterectomy was a minor procedure. He brought me back from hospital, dumped me on sofa then went into his study. I had to ask at 6.30pm if he was making some dinner. He said he thought there was something in freezer? I could go on but enough said - I’m obviously not alone in my experiences!

Have a day or two that you save for joint activities, so Tuesday and Saturday are joint days where you do things together? Also is it that you have not gotten yourself much going on? Maybe you need to look at how to fill your days and enjoy retirement with social groups or friends ect

Boz

Old joke;
Man says to wife "Put your coat on, I'm going to the Pub".
"Me, too says surprised Wife.
Man replies "No, I'm turning the fire off.

?
but also ?!