Struggling to feel any joy

Hello ceejayjay. I'm sorry no-one has responded to your post. Hopefully someone who has experienced similar feelings will be along soon to offer you help and advice. I will be thinking of you. Warm wishes for the future.

Would it be possible to re-arrange your working days so that your DD and DGS could see you on your days off?

I'm sorry, I have no experience of the type of illness you describe so can't offer anything useful but getting rid of the selfish husband sounds like a good move.

I’ve had periods of depression over the years but you seem to be suffering and going through so much that it effects you this way.
You don’t say if you’re on medication or not?
I did have medication and cbt which on the whole have worked.
The times I’ve felt sad have lessoned as I rid myself of things that make me sad. On the whole as I’ve got older I fine myself less happy anyway. I’m not sure why. I’m an introvert.

I hope you can get some help and that things settle once the divorce concludes. Take care xx

I m sorry you have such severe darkness I take it your GP has helped or tried to help and you’ve tried various anti depressants you say you ve tried counselling but you may find more help in CBT or CAT therapy which should if handled correctly get to the bottom of where this unhappiness and dark thoughts come from
There are long NHS waiting lists though so it could pay you to go private if you can manage it I know it’s expensive but if it can help it would be well worth it
Did you have any help as a child ?was your childhood bad ? or do you know if it’s a chemical imbalance ?
Sorry for all the questions

Totally echo Bluebelle’s advice. CBT for me was transformative. Even in the meantime look at some meditation/breathing exercises and implementing a daily walk - sounds cliche but honestly from personal experience both things worked for me. The walk was a good mood elevator and the meditation/breathing helped take the edge off of my anxiety and catastrophic thinking. I also took meds for a few years, nothing to be ashamed of (I can now say that and mean it).

Thankyou everyone for your kind, helpful replies . I’ve never got on with tablets but have had CBT & ERT. When I was a small child I was suffering with classic OCD symptoms (checking the soles of my shoes to see if they were dirty after every step etc) School was unbearable, coming home and getting changed feeling my clothes were contaminated. I wasn’t diagnosed until age 38 when I just happened to read something quite by chance. By this time my OCD had taken on the form of harm ocd which I really do struggle with due to its nature and themes. Actually I was 17 when the harm ocd kicked in but I only sought help when I realised from stumbling across something that it was part of ocd and not just me being a horrible person. For most of my life I’ve despised myself and been mean to myself thinking I was a bad person. It’s only now I’m finally learning to change that mindset but it’s hard to feel worthy sometimes. My Mum died age 66 in February and we had been estranged for 6 years as she washed her hands of me when I said she wasn’t there for me. She had told me as a teenager “it’s a shame you don’t have anything proper to worry about” and a suicide attempt I made at 17 to protect others from me disgusted her because I was selfish. My Dad suffered from depression but has never offered any support with this but yet if one of his Grandchildren have minor problems he can’t sleep or eat. That sounds petty, it’s not meant to I’m glad my kids have a fantastic relationship with their Grandad. I think this is all coming out wrong, it’s hard to put your life down in a chapter

Ceejayjay, you are going through such a hard time. I was the same age as you are now, when my husband left me for a friend of ours and we eventually divorced. I just couldn’t get over the deception. They made a fool of me at Christmas parties etc. Everyone, except me, knew they were having an affair. Water under the bridge now. I decided to stay single, for various reasons. Luckily, my 3 children and 6 children live in the same town. I don’t have much advice regarding your MH. That’s best dealt with by your doctor. In the meanwhile, here are some for you

6 grandchildren

I'm glad you have your dog and go for walks.
If you can concentrate keep reading too.

If you feel this has been a cycle since childhood, maybe you feel this way because of something from that time?
Probably best not to focus on the why you feel this way. But more on things (your dog, treats for him, coffee for you, small things) that matter to you.

Can your daughter find a window to let you spend time with your gs? Just an hour a week might be enough for you right now?

I am so glad you have the strength to initiate a divorce from someone who isnt making you happy.

To be honest the divorce alone would bring some people to their knees emotionally.

So maybe you are being too hard on yourself, and not recognizing exactly what you have achieved?

I think counselling and cbt etc. are hit and miss for some of us.
It's all about finding the right approach for you, and that can take lots of attempts before you do.

Speaking as a fellow childminder, could you arrange with your daughter and the childminder to pick up your grandson early occasionally, or maybe one afternoon a week, and look after him for a couple of hours? That would give you something positive to put in your diary rather than it being too overwhelming for you.

For yourself, have you thought about a yoga class or something similar? Art class? Something gentle and mindful. Maybe something online to start with?

Meanwhile enjoy the love and companionship of your rescue dog, how lucky they are to have found a home with you ?

ceejayjay, without presuming to know what would help you to stop the distressing thoughts, I think most people simply escape into a story or a film as a way out of ruminating on distressing thoughts.

We are all bad persons so forgive yourself for being human.

ceejayjay, do see your GP first, to check whether your medication needs a review.

Next, try to arrange to see your grandson - but not on a whole day, looking after basis. Perhaps a couple of hours with your daughter present would be possible, every week or so?

I'm sure that you've been good and kind looking after your family and grandson all these years - yet too hard on yourself. Why? It's time to look after yourself with equal care. You deserve it.

Be very kind to yourself, every day, and prioritise things that make you feel good, such as walking your dog and reading.

Arrange a special day off every week (no need to tell your daughter that you're not working) and make that your special treat/exploring/trying out new things day.

I enjoy crafts, sightseeing, lunching out and exploring garden centres - either alone or with a friend.

This only popped up on my ' poet's today for some reason ... ? ,
Some good advice above. Baby steps - hope you find some he here.?

Please go back to your GP and get a referral to the Mental Health department.
You say that you ‘don’t do pills’ well I’m sorry but you need to help yourself before you ask others, so please start taking the tablets.
It can take a long time to get an appointment with the Mental Health team, but if you are already on some form of medication, they can determine the extra help you need.
I know that the pills can make you feel worse in other ways , but you really do have to persevere and try to get yourself better.
Hetty had some good advice as well.

I would second taking antidepressants, alongside the other things suggested here.

I echo what V3ra says. Yoga or art class if you’re that way inclined, or learn a new language with u3A ? As much exercise as possible too. But definitely a visit to your GP

Thankyou all for taking the time to respond to me. There’s some great advice in here. Just re reading through now with a coffee

Just sending you love and hugs. Grandchildren can be the best therapy, as he will get older and become more engaging. You could take him out to various places and teach him things your DD hasnt time to do. Things will change, nothing stays static, even if we feel it is like it for now. Forgive yourself for your negative feelings, try and recognise time moves on, and you will not always be in this frame of mind. God bless

Do go to your GP ceejayjay. I remember very well that feeling of having nothing to look forward to. It was clinical depression and I am so much better with antidepressants. I can now find joy in small things which I absolutely couldn’t before. Maybe in the past you were given tablets that didn’t suit you. There are so many different antidepressants, I’m sure your doctor can give you something different. Well done for getting that man out of your life, which will be so much better when the divorce is over. And full marks for getting a rescue dog, they’re wonderful aren’t they? No prizes for guessing what kind mine is!?

So many posters have given excellent suggestions and tips, much better than I can. I just wish I could give you a hug as I can feel the pain you're going through.

It is so hard, particularly in the present pandemic and with winter approaching. There is so much to feel depressed about and if you are already low then an impending divorce and a seeming separation from your wonderful DGS, would be enough to upset the strongest among us.

You have had some good advice on here. You say you work full time. Do you like your job or find it drains your energy?
Make a list of things you would love to do and plan to make these things happen.
My latest mantra is to take daily vitamin D. None of us in the UK have enough sunshine!

When I was working full time I always tried to plan well ahead for social activities with friends or family at weekends. Having something to look forward to in my diary was a terrific help during low mood times. It’s great you have your dog to take out & as others have suggested, try to fit your grandchild in at different times.
Keep your chin up. We’re all here to chat to.

Ceejayjay, I have a friend with a MH condition which has tortured her. She's had several breakdowns over it. The last time she had one, she was also badly let down by a close friend. It was in the middle of lockdown, so she couldn't go to family.

This friend has found a lot of peace in painting. I've seen photographs of her paintings and while they aren't art, they give her great peace and focus. I think it is the repetitive nature of the brush work. I find a similar relaxation in hand sewing. The regular stitching calms my mind.

Is there a hobby you could try that might have the same effect? There is no requirement to be good. Just to find pleasure in it.

Ceejayjay the aftermath of divorce is obviously always a time of huge stress. Put this together with MH issues (and isolation due to working from home), and it's going to be a long road.
But you've started. You've shared your concerns with us.
Somebody is going to write something that will resonate with you. Compared with the majority of us, you are a young woman.
My advice? - make yourself go out (a regular coffee date with a friend, an evening class, a craft group, join a political local group), chat to other dog-walkers, maybe join a dog training group.
A friend, bereaved in her 40s, once told me to never turn down an invitation (even a cinema trip to a film you think you'll hate!!) as people may not ask again.