Am I being unreasonable here?

Buy something you really want online, using his bank card and address the parcel to him. He's no option but to give you it then and you also know it's something you really want.

I once read an interesting book called The Five Languages of Love. It was about how people express their love in different ways: acts of service ( cooking, putting out bins, housework); giving gifts; physical touching; quality time; and words of affirmation. If your husband just has a different emphasis on how he expresses his love, maybe you have already accepted that. It does sound, however, as though you haven't accepted it and would like things to be very different. You probably wouldn't have posted here if it wasn't a big issue for you - and it seems to go well beyond the approach to presents. It's not up to any of us to think we know what your marriage is like or try to tell you what to do. Some folk here obviously recognise behaviour similar to what they've experienced and some have accepted it. Finding your husband going through your papers, especially if it's furtive and not just openly trying to find an important document, is probably more worrying. You maybe need to have an honest think about your marriage and talk to a friend or counsellor. At the very least to find strategies for yourself to deal with the behaviours he won't change and hopefully to find strategies for having honest discussions with him to change things for the better. Good luck whatever you decide.

What an awfully mean husband, that you have to pay for your own birthday treat. Meanness is a very unattractive trait in a friend or partner and I wonder what redeeming qualities he has which makes you stay. As for trying to break into your filing cabinet, words almost fail me. I'd be very unhappy if I was in your situation.

I'm with Urmstongran about communication. I can't imagine going along with something for years that made me unhappy so I began to feel resentful. Surely it would be better to discuss the issue calmly and without blame.
Did you ask your husband what he was looking for when searching your handbag?

I would book yourself a holiday. Print out these replies to your question and put them in the filing cabinet (for him to rifle through and find) whilst you are away. Then see if anything changes once you return!

icanhandthemback

I'm with Urmstongran about communication. I can't imagine going along with something for years that made me unhappy so I began to feel resentful. Surely it would be better to discuss the issue calmly and without blame.
Did you ask your husband what he was looking for when searching your handbag?

... and what would his reaction be if he found her going through his wallet?

Why not forget presents altogether and go on separate holidays. That way the pressure is off you both.

Sounds like you don't value yourself, otherwise you might not still be with this man, and/or you would not be asking this question. It's not good enough - you know that. If he's not going to change then the only change will come from you. what can you do differently, to give yourself something to enjoy? It may be a sad thing to face up to, but ultimately you'll feel better if you don't keep focusing on what's not going to happen. Maybe try couple counselling, in order to have more chance that he HEARS you? Otherwise, look after yourself, and warmest wishes.

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

OP, wait until after Christmas Holidays then have a talk with your husband. If you want to change things, or are unhappy you need to speak with him. Don't spoil your Christmas though. One thing I don't understand is the money situation. Myself and my spouse don't have your money/my money. We have a joint account as we are a team. We do have some separate savings, but in the main, our money like our lives is joint. As a suggestion one thing we do before Christmas, is give each other a wee list of suggestions for a gift. We have never been extravagant as Christmas doesn't need to be. Gifts Ive suggested have been perhaps a book, or a nice bottle of perfume. It's a small gesture but it's nice to have something to look forward to. Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas.

I wonder if his up bringing has something to do with his mean
unthoughful attitude,sometimes people turn into their parents.
Forget paying for his hols etc,arrange to go away with a friend
and treat yourself kindly.

My husband is a useless present buyer but he surprises me with kind and thoughtful gestures most days.
Not everyone is 'into' Christmas and Birthdays. Perhaps your husband does little things that you've got used to and therefore overlook.
If not, then maybe it's time to tell him how you feel.

Another thread about married couples’ going halves’. Don’t understand this at all, it’s just odd.

However, on another thread I said it’s fine if it suits everyone. It clearly doesn’t here, so Jezra, you are the only one who can change this.

You should say this to him, not Gransnet! Choose a time that isn't Christmas or birthday and let him know how you feel.

mines just asked me where the presents are of him to me to wrap. I didn't buy any for me so his face is a picture now the shops are shut, I don't care tbh but he's that used to me sorting it all

I would be unable to resist taking such a tightwad to task about his mean behaviour- certainly would never have stumped up half the cash for my own present or treated him to a holiday for his! He sounds completely joyless and life is about joys, large or small, we all deserve a few! As for going through my things I would be boiling with rage-how on earth do you manage to not take him severely to task for such rudeness?! I couldn’t live like that! I am divorced and absolutely prefer being alone than putting up with my ex’s inconsiderate behaviour as I just about managed to for nearly thirty years! (And that was far too long!)

Thanks@Vanecam. One of the few sensible replies and yes all I asked was if I was being unreasonable.

It was ever thus with my late husband .....SO I bought my OWN presents.....took myself off for lunch somewhere nice ...one year ha ha I even bought a birthday card and asked him to sign in ................then I went on holiday on my own as he refused to go anywhere except the DIY shop.......simples......

I’d be more concerned about your husband going through your bag and filing cabinet behind your back, than the gift-giving, but overall the picture isn’t a happy one.

That sounds awful to me.

You say you are not cherished, and I would have to agree with you. It sounds so sad.

My late sister escaped a miserable marriage in her early 60s, literally propped a note on the mantlepiece and left. She joined a twinning organisation and went to France where she met a retired bank manager who cherished her. They had nine happy years together till she died.

I hope you find some happiness.

Jezra

Thanks@Vanecam. One of the few sensible replies and yes all I asked was if I was being unreasonable.

Most of the replies I've read look pretty sensible.

People are giving a range of opinions, which is inevitable if you pose such a question I think.

I believe you already know you are not being unreasonable - what is unreasonable about wanting your partner to take an interest in you and show you that he cares about you?

Hi I know how you feel my husband is kind in other ways, but if I didn’t book anything birthday or Christmas he wouldn’t give me anything. Leaves everything to me , wasn’t like that while is was wooing me ?, as a married woman things have definitely gone down hill

That’s a lovely ending ?

VANECAM

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

If I had a daughter married to a man who behaved long-term as the OP's husband appears to - especially if she caught him riffling through her handbag and checking her filing cabinet (unless he was looking for some important document in a hurry), then yes - I probably would be asking if she was happy to stay in such a relationship with a man who appears to be rather indifferent to his wife's feelings.

My chap takes me away for my birthday in the Autumn, all expenses paid by him. We chat about the possible venues in advance & agree.
I pay to take him away for his December birthday, all expenses paid. Usually 2 nights with dinner at a good hotel. We’ve just come back, last Monday as it happens.
IF my partner didn’t treat me as described above, I’d just buy some especially good food & cook something at home for us to celebrate. Light a candle, make a lovely meal & leave it at that.
Alternatively I might encourage him to take me out & pay for dinner & I’d do likewise in December.
Your DH doesn’t deserve a thoughtful wife. In your shoes I’d do what another poster has suggested; book somewhere with a friend for a completely unrelated weekend/couple nights away and have some FUN! Leave the miserable old b**ger at home & stop trying to get blood out of the stone! It ain’t working.