Am I being unreasonable about OH’s behaviour?

I'm not usually a raging, angry, "leave him, kick him out!" type of person, but this would be enough for me, I think.

It just seems to show him as someone who constantly needs to be playing around elsewhere, rather than a decent person who made a mistake, or whose head was turned.

I’m sorry for you because there is no ‘easy’ resolution when trust has been lost. It seems to me that you’re at a crossroads. I would say that if you want the marriage to continue then it’s up to you to negotiate the conditions.

In your shoes I would be saying that trust has to be earned - and as a minimum I would want him to cease all contact with his previous wife and allow open access to his phone etc. until such time as you feel he has proved his trustworthiness.

Having said that I cannot imagine myself sustaining a marriage where trust has been lost. The secrecy would have broken my heart because it indicates that, for whatever reason, he couldn’t bring himself to share with you that communication with his ex had re-started.

It’s not something I could live with. Even if there’s nothing romantic between them he’s being deceitful and telling lies, and I would consider sharing details of our private lives, no matter how mundane, a betrayal. You say you don’t think he has a social media presence but he made contact with the girlfriend via Friends Reunited so I would question that. It sounds as though he had a good career with postings abroad and I can’t reconcile that with not being sufficiently tech savvy to have a social media presence. I’m not one of those who always screams ‘leave him’ either but trust is a vital component of marriage and by now I’m sorry to say mine would have sunk without trace along with my patience.

Thank you Misadventure and Grannyactivist.
You are both spot on, especially about the secrecy. And trust.
Also, I simply can’t believe or accept that he ‘ can’t remember’ how they managed to get in touch. He knows but refuses to explain. This is probably because it would reflect badly on him eg he was the initiator rather than the pursued shall we say, and this whole denial strategy brings up very painful memories of his past affair.

I perhaps should throw into this sorry mix that I was seriously ill between May and September this year and have been diagnosed with a serious autoimmune illness , currently stable following some brutal treatment, but the future isn’t clear and I’m not the person I was in terms of ability. Not sure if this has any bearing on the situation.

I'm sure it does have some bearing on the whole situation.
There are some women who turn a blind eye to their partners' activities, and it's perhaps to be considered as an option, at least?

I think that once trust has gone then a relationship is over. He has deceived you again and again.
Personally I would rather be alone than wondering what he is up to but we are all different and maybe you are able to tolerate this uncertainty.
A leopard doesn't change its spots and this man is a serial cheat.

I also think that a little bit of digging would probably uncover a history of him initiating and continuing contact with various women, whether sexual or not.
I don't think there is any advice that is "right", necessarily, but it is helpful to be able to mull it over.

I think the question you should ask yourself is…..would/will I be happier without him? How is the lack of trust in your marriage affecting your health? Many more pros and cons to be considered I’m sure, but it’s the trust issue that would be the most important decider for me.

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

I have no idea of how you got over his previous infidelities, clearly you have very different tolerance levels for betrayal than I have.

Does your daughter know of his previous infidelities?

I can’t turn a blind eye! I’m angry with myself for being fooled time and time again, by allowing him to abuse my trust and cause immense suffering.
I do plan to see a divorce lawyer to discuss nuts and bolts and we have agreed to put the house on the market.
Thank you for validating my point of view.

I'd need to think on this but my initial response - if you read your post out to him, detailing his past conduct over the years in just these few paragraphs, would he realise his behaviour (past and present) is not acceptable? I think (as I believe you do to), he's treating you like a mug. Forgive once, forgive twice, but three times is taking the pee.

I was married for 23 years, been separated/divorced for 10. I do miss the "do you remember when" conversations but for crying out loud, his first marriage as you say wasn't long term, less than 2 years - he can stick his remembrances with the first wife where the sun don't shine!

I can't possibly advise not knowing your financial situation - isn't it awful that money dictates the situation for so many, having to stay because splitting would be financially ruinous for people - but I know I'd be thinking long and hard.

I hope you will give time to reflect and think before acting, maybe some time away from him (you can't miss him if you still see him - and ditto for him). Suggest a trial separation and see what the reaction is. He needs to know he's on eggshells with you.

Esspee - she does.
My first marriage was to a man who was physically and emotionally violent. I’m afraid it skews things. I haven’t got over or tolerated OHs behaviour nor have I forgiven him.
I just haven’t had the courage to finally leave, and have had much family pressure not to. That’s changed now, enough is enough and what’s left of my life must be lived in peace and on my own terms.
It’s been really helpful hearing your views.

I agree with AGAA4 once the trust has gone the relationship will struggle. I think your husband just can't help himself Ossity. As your health is not good at the moment take time to gather your thoughts and talk to your family. In my opinion as well it's better to be alone than with someone you don't trust. I hope you feel better soon and can find a way through this.

I think you can keep moving the goalposts only so much in order to preserve a relationship.
You end up becoming someone you don't recognise, and that's a very unpleasant place to be.

Reading this reminds me of my sisters husband very much the same pattern and he always needed someone ‘ extra’ in their relationship. Needles to say whether innocent or not trust has gone.

I am pleased that you have said the rest of your life is to be on your terms. Your familys' opinion should have no bearing on your decision.
This is YOUR life... and you should not compromise. They just dont want the boat rocked as they feel uncomfortable if they have to take sides.
Get legal advice.. consider your options carefully. Keep your own council.. you have shown great strength in the past. Summon that now and, going forward, make the best decision for you. And YOU alone.

Ossity, if you decide that divorce is the only way forward for you, do pick your solicitor very carefully. You need someone who specialises in divorce, not a bit of everything, and someone who has teeth. You will need every last bit of money that you can extract from the marriage in order to secure your comfort going forwards. Don't settle for 'someone nice' or you will regret it. I divorced my former husband a good many years ago and as a former lawyer I know that you need someone who will fight your corner rather than try (at your cost ultimately) to make everything 'amicable'. I wish you good luck whatever you decide to do.

I’m so very sorry to read your post. I think he us a wrong un myself.
For what it’s worth, some men are like this. My husband has a friend who has been married 3 times. This latest marriage is approx 8 years old. Recently, he got in touch with his first wife via the internet and they had a catch up lunch together. Supposedly wife no.3. Knew about it. For myself, I think it’s unacceptable behaviour. Some men just never settle or appreciate what they have.
I hope you have a better year ahead ?

What a sorry situation for you.

I do think that you need to consider your future with this man.... perhaps a list of pros and cons of staying or going, which might include thinking about:

- your current poor health - would it be easier to be with him, rather than on your own whilst dealing with this?

- the material considerations - at your stage of life it is hard to throw these away and "slum it" again as we all did when we were young.

- what are the things that have made you stay all this time, in spite of his infidelities? Do those things still hold good?

- the serious state of your mental health during one of his previous flings. You do not want to got there again and need to have contingency plans if you feel this is starting to slide. No man is worth feeling suicidal over.

- the total absence of trust in your relationship and whether you can go on living with that - because that is not going to change. For most that would be the line in the sand, but what matters is what you think.

If you decide to part - which I think is where most people might be - you need to have detailed plans, not just about the material considerations, but all the social, health and family ones as well.

You have agreed to put the house on the market - presumably this must be with some end in view on both sides.

I would urge you to make sure that you have proper plans for the next stage of your life, plans that think about you having a fulfilling and enjoyable life. In other words, not just looking at getting out of a bad situation without, but planning positively for what will make you happy in your new future.

"I was seriously ill between May and September this year and have been diagnosed with a serious autoimmune illness , currently stable following some brutal treatment, but the future isn’t clear and I’m not the person I was in terms of ability".

I do think this is relevant.

I think in your situation, I would make a list of "what do I gain from staying" and another list of "what do I gain from leaving".

You say that your heath is poor, and with an unclear future, so is it likely that you will need care in the foreseeable future? If so, do you think that your husband will provide this care? Is that a (good enough) reason to stay?

Could it be that your husband has realised that he may be called upon to provide care for you, and is lining up your replacement? If you become housebound, for example, could you accept him having a relationship outside of yours, if he provided care for you?

There is a lot to think about, and I'm sorry you're in this awful position. I'd advise not rushing into anything, but give it a lot of thought - the cons as well as the pros - of staying with your husband.

This is so cruel, cruel and thoughtless on your husband's part. Is he this selfish in other ways?
Once again, he and this woman have through their casual deceit destroyed the trust which you worked so hard to restore. This at a time when you are not as resilient as you once were.

Make no decisions at present but think long and hard about whether you can can put yourself through more betrayals, weighed up against what you stand to lose.
I do not think you are over-reacting.
Your husband claims to have no understanding of the impact of his lying, can't remember how they made contact and no concept that cheating is not confined to the physical. How dare he share details of family relationships with a woman who has no respect for marriage, hers or anyone else's.

The saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," comes to mind. I'm not saying you are a fool. In fact you come across as really angry and strong. However I think doubts have been cast by your daughter. If you summarise: your husband has had at least one physical affair and a number of emotional affairs and is still contacting another woman. You aren't in good health but given his behaviour, is there any guarantee he would step up and look after you? Could you cope with that, knowing he was perhaps going out to meet someone else? Get your financial ducks in a row and speak to a divorce lawyer asap.

Once trust has gone it’s gone.Time to get yourself a good lawyer, I’m so sorry it’s come to this for you but protect your self.

The first time he broke your trust, he was contrite, apologised and you forgave him.
The second time he broke your trust, he almost broke you but, he was contrite, apologised and you forgave him. Again.
The third time he broken your trust, he did it whilst you were sat in the same room as him; he lied to you about what he was doing on his phone and who with.

Question: are you prepared to forgive him again and run the risk that he'll do it a fourth time? Will you be able to trust anything he tells you? Will you believe him when he tells you that he's only scrolling the news on his phone? Will you wonder where he is, and with whom, when he goes out alone? Will you have peace of mind with this man ever again? In your shoes, I'd be packing his bags. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.