I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting and I seek the collective wisdom of Gransnet to help me gain perspective.
Some background : married 30 years, each married before. OH marriage was under two years long although they were together from teens to mid twenties before marriage. No children. She left for a man she’d been having an affair with.
I have a daughter from my previous marriage. No children together.
Fairly early into our marriage I found a letter to OH from his first wife. It was clear they had been secretly in contact and had met at least once ( she referred to one night they clearly did meet and which I recalled as he did not come home until 3am citing working late ) . She referred to always having complicated feelings for him and wanting to carry on meeting in secret. She was by this time married to the man she left OH for and had two children.
You can imagine the fall out, his contrition etc. Somehow we got over that and had, I thought, a stable and happy relationship.
About 15 years ago though, whilst working abroad, he had an affair. Astonishingly it wasn’t with someone he met through work, work merely gave him the ability to travel and juggle two lives without being found out - until he slipped up and I queried an entry on a bank statement. His affair partner was a girlfriend from his teens , divorced at the time of their affair who he found on Friends Reunited. They had managed to meet frequently in UK and abroad, holidaying together, without me suspecting a thing.
I should have ended the marriage at this point. I was utterly devastated. I’d literally just given up my job and our house had been rented out as I was to join him on a new posting to the Middle East. I had a complete breakdown , attempted suicide and it took around two years to recover. During this time I lived mainly with my mother in UK and gradually our marriage recovered. He appeared completely sincere in regretting his affair and in not wanting to end the marriage.
Again, the last few years have been stable and contented. I’m not unchanged by the past . It’s fair to say I’m harder and my feelings for him are no longer the deep devoted ones of yore. But we have been a team, built up a good life materially and having just retired looked forward to time together and with family - we now have grandchildren who love him as much as if he was fully a blood relative.
Yesterday I picked up his phone - we do use each other’s - and a message had pinged through.
Suffice to say it was from his ex wife. They have been in contact since at least October. Nothing romantic in what I read, chit chat really but beginning to stray into ‘ do you remember ‘ territory. He shares a lot about our life, in fact on returning home from a day out with my daughter he gave a blow by blow account. He has quite literally sat in the same room as me typing lengthy missives to her . I’ve asked what he’s been doing and he’s lied - eg ‘ just checking the news’.
OH isn’t tech savvy. I genuinely believe he hasn’t a social media presence. He is retired ( was formerly googleable ) with a new email address. They have no family links or common friends. His ex wife has changed her last name due to a further marriage. I cannot understand how they reconnected. He will only say he cannot remember, and that it’s all innocent.
I’m angry and for me it’s the final straw. My daughter thinks I’m overrreacting. Clearly OH does. He genuinely can’t see that he’s done anything wrong , other than keeping the contact secret.
Thankyou if you’ve read this far, it’s obviously a condensed version of a much more nuanced and lengthy marriage. I can’t think straight and looking back feel I’ve allowed him to avoid consequences of his actions and in retrospect feel I’ve been gaslighted for years. Views are very welcome!
