Difficult mother

Hetty much of your last post resonates with me. Especially that lack of a bond or affection and feeling duty bound to care.

Thank you very much for all your responses. I think this is the best part of Gransnet, the support of one to another with life’s difficulties.
I went to see mother this afternoon. I took her some tulips with which she was at least pleased (she’s often quite ungrateful for gifts.) Despite advice from many very well meaning Gransnetters I simply can’t walk away from my mother, it’s not in my nature to abandon her as I feel a responsibility towards her. I’ve always tried to do my best for her, particularly since my dad died. She’s old and she has poor health and most of her relatives are dead. Like you Laura I can’t just leave her. I think your psychologist was right, we are always trying to win their approval, but destined to fail. Also I think, like you, I will feel guilty when she dies if I haven’t done the right thing.
She was quite negative about everything again, but that’s how she is. She also bigged up her illnesses as she always does. It’s difficult for me because she genuinely does have some conditions. She mithers about her medication and is proud of how much she takes I take ten pills in the morning and another seven at night, and anti sick tablets and paracetamol every four hours and was upset that the carers won’t allow her to keep the inhaler she’s been prescribed for her recently diagnosed COPD but bring it to her twice a day. I get fed up with her me, me, me attitude, and yet find myself thinking that she’s old and in a home and virtually immobile, so I guess she would think about herself. But she always has done!
Anyway, just a big thank you. I really appreciate the support.

Yes Hetty I’m duty bound to carry on. I just wonder how long for, and I feel guilty for thinking that.

Maddyone

You choose to continue this duty bond.
Only you can break this cycle

As I see it, you are dammed if you do continue contact and dammed if you don’t. The guilt you’ll feel if you cut contact will trigger involvement with her again, unless you are exceptionally strong. I feel for you. Guilt is such a powerful, but also often useless emotion, it rules so many lives.

I would say the same as a lot of others have done. Decide what you can tolerate and stick to it. maybe fewer visits to the home and tell her if she shouts or shows you up you will leave. tell the staff what you are doing .
Be pleased that in an odd way she has made you into an even better mum than you might have been. Kind,caring and thoughtful towards others needs, after being set such a bad example.
Be proud of what you have achieved with your family, don't let her have control anymore.It must be awful for you.

I understand that Hithere. I feel that the time for walking away was in the early years of my marriage when she accused my husband of stealing from her several times. He didn’t steal from her, he would never steal from anyone but would much rather do a favour for someone. He’s out now, volunteering at the Covid vaccination site. He never put any pressure on me to break from my family even in the worst times. I loved my dad and the rest of my family so I didn’t break from them, although severely tempted during the accusations period. Now I just feel it’s my duty but I’ve cut my visits down to about every five days. She doesn’t like it, but there it is. I also don’t give sympathy when she complains and attention seeks about her illnesses and I know she doesn’t like that and complains to my sister about me. I tell her not to shout at me or I leave if she’s nasty. I’ve made progress thanks to Gransnet but I know I have to do my duty by her. As my husband says, ‘Do what’s reasonable and no more, but do it because you’ll only feel guilty if you don’t after she’s gone.’ He knows me so well.

maddyone, like you I feel it is too late to walk away and I like you will do my duty.

Grandmabatty gave me the advice to emotionally distance myself from my mother and it took a while but it was such good advice and has made life more bearable.

Most of the time I can cope but yesterday she outdid herself and really upset me.On the plus side it used to take me days if not weeks to get over such a vile episode but I had an early night and am fine today.

My mum will never change so I have to change how I deal with her and most of the time with the support of my lovely and very patient husband I can now manage.

I find the whole situation sad though and I’m sure I always will but I try not to give it too much space in my head these days.

maddyone and LauraNorderr - 'duty bound' but emotionally, we can distance ourselves. I think it's best to give up all hope of them changing.

I still have vivid memories of a holiday, in Cornwall, with a friend and her family. I was 11 - and so shocked to discover a truly happy, caring family.

They enjoyed each other's company, laughed and joked, radiated love and warmth. The mother hugged me a lot, saying I must miss my mum (so I pretended to). My sadness came from that voice in my head, screaming 'Please, please, adopt me, I never want to go home!'

Susan and Maddyone ?. It is very hard when a comment or behaviour sneaks past your boundary, I know to my cost. My mother has been jealous of me all my life and constantly makes digs which used to upset me. I changed the year I retired as every social occasion she was at, she was vile. The final straw was when she made my lovely, heavily pregnant daughter cry. I swore then that I would visit her on my terms but leave when I wanted. She still tries to get a dig in but I look at her as if she was an interesting specimen and don't rise. The last one was a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned I had lost weight and tops I got for Christmas were two sizes smaller. She claimed they must have been made big. I now laugh at these comments and say I'm off shopping so she never knows it's hurtful. It's hard but fake it til you make it. I tell her nothing about the children that isn't vague or bland as she will use the information against me or them. Everything is "fine " Ranting here helps.

Grandmabatty?

I only have very general conversations with my mum too.No personal information, as you say everything very bland.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother,too. Maybe it was because they got damaged during the war years, maybe not. We actually emigrated so I didn’t see her that often and the funny thing is she was a good and loving grandma when we did see her and I got on with her much better. All I could say has already been said and said well. Your Mum is very,very old now and won’t change but you can change. Don’t buy into her manipulative behaviour and just stay away as much as you can bear it without feeling guilty. You deserve all the support you can get !

So many people with difficult mothers. Mine is at it again. I’ve taken advice from Gransnet and cut down my visits to her to once every four to five days, and I’ve been unemotional and not engaged with her about her illnesses. I last visited her on Wednesday this week. Now it appears she has to go into hospital. She texted this information to my sister, who lives 250 miles away and has serious and long standing mental health issues, probably brought on by her difficult relationship with my mother as she was growing up and first married. Now she has an apparently good relationship with mother, phoning her for an hour a day. However mother chose to not let me know that she’s going into hospital, even though I visit and do everything for her. Instead my sister texted my daughter in law to let her know. My husband said mother is trying to pull me into line because I’ve not visited as frequently and not engaged about her illnesses. The out of hours doctor who visited her said mother might have kidney failure so needs to go to hospital for tests. I’m finding myself wishing she doesn’t come out of hospital. I’m fed up of her games. She’s playing games with me because she sees me as not dutiful enough so refuses to give basic information such as she’s going into hospital. We’ve spoken to the home staff, and they said they’ll keep us informed. At present she’s waiting for an ambulance.
I just want this all to end. I’m probably terrible for thinking such a thing, but it’s how I feel.
Thank you for all your comments. I know many of you have had, or are having tough times with your mothers. It does seem to be mothers, not usually fathers. I wonder why?

Hugs to you maddyone. Keep smiling through....

Would it help to block your sister on your phone? You know the home will inform you if your mum needs to go to hospital. You are correct. She's trying to pull you into line.

Thank you again for your responses, it does help me. The hospital have said that mum has a water infection and they’re not sure if they’re keeping her in or not yet. Mum still hasn’t communicated with me at all about any of this. I’m not sure whether to get in touch with her or leave it for now. She’s playing her manipulative games again with me again. She’s always liked to play one person off against another, so me and my sister at the moment.
Grandmabatty your mother sounds very like mine, the way you say she always put you down and criticised you. That’s my mum too but she has always played manipulative games as well.
I’m just weary of it all. I think she’s been in hospital more than any person I know. She likes going into hospital because it brings attention to her. She must have been in hospital about fifty times over her lifetime.
Thank you for hugs nanna8.

My only thought is to cut the visits to your mother down.
A parent who has not been loving and supportive to their children really can’t expect them to be dutiful and caring when they reach old age.
You reap what you sow I’m afraid.

Yes I agree Tilly, but unfortunately cutting my visits down is what has led to the situation where mother has decided not to communicate with me about being in hospital. She’s being awkward because she’s resentful that I’ve cut my visits down. Instead she lets my sister know who is 250 miles away and doesn’t drive and tells her to let my daughter in law know.

If neither your mum nor your sister has been in touch directly then you could leave it, particularly as you say this is part of her pattern of behaviour. What would you gain from sending her a message? I would leave it to see if she cracks and gets in touch with you when you could simply say the home is keeping you informed. Or phone the hospital to find out how she is and ask them to let her know you've been in touch. My mother has many quirks and her absolute refusal to go to hospital to visit or for herself is legendary. She makes it all about her, but in a different way. I used to play the 'comment bingo' as a way of managing my responses. My family and I would secretly laugh when the well worn statements came out! It did help to take the emotion out of things for me. ? Keep coming on here for solidarity.

Maddyone,

Follow her lead and do not chase her, that is what she wants
She is resentful you do not visit as much and she is having a tantrum.
Let her be.
Get your life back

Maddy, just do what you think is right and come on here to sound off a bit and release the tension.
Don’t feel bad about wishing it was all over, perfectly natural to feel that way when the pressure gets too much.
You have lots of support on here and many of us understand.
Big hug ?

maddyone, I would say as others have so long as the home are keeping you informed there’s no need for you to contact her.
I am sure she will contact you in time when you can just say yes I was aware of the situation and was kept informed.

It’s a horrible situation but I think you are doing brilliantly?

Stay strong??and come on here for support whenever you need to?

Maddyone, a close friend of mine always said that having challenging mothers made us better mothers. Thank your mother for that gift and then leave it to the care home to look after her. From what you've said, (and that was only in a nutshell!) I personally think you've done enough at keeping the daughter/mother relationship afloat. If she wasn't blood to you I think you would have walked away from her years ago and, taking into account her attitude and treatment of you and your family, you would be completely justified!

The danger of doing what you feel is right is following the programming put in you when you were a child or do what alleviates your guilt, not what is best for you.

Huge difference

I relate to all of this - endured pretty much the same from birth in 1957 until my Mum died in 2010.

My Mum had been traumatically widowed at 29 when her RAF pilot husband was killed in 1951. She met my late Dad, married him in 1955, and I was born in 1957.

She then almost died when I was born, (and we believe lost my twin), from two very serious infections and surgeons only just saved her leg with what was a pioneering operation at the time, (she had a DVT from being kept lying in the infection hospital). As a result we were separated for the first three months of my life when I had to be sent to my Irish grandparents.

These two massive traumas coloured her life, and she could never put them behind her, and made my late father’s life hell too. To her he could never replace her first husband, and she told him this in frequent rants. She told me virtually every day of life that I had ruined her life ‘from the day I was born’.

Now it might be deemed PTSD and counselling offered, but not then, and she was clealry mentally ill/depressed.

I did not at all mourn for her, and my fabulous GP assured me this was totally understandable....he having known my Mum all too well, her having been a patient of his for decades.