Difficult mother

An interesting thread. So many women with difficult (or abusive) mothers.

My own mother was probably what I would call low-level narcissist. Low empathy, very self-involved, and prone to abusive episodes out-of-the blue throughout my adolescence and adult life, which were completely unhinged and v painful and confusing for me. It took me a long time to get a handle on it and start standing up for myself.

In my late 50s there was another of her explosive, abusive episodes (she was about 83 at the time). I left her house and have not been in contact with her since. Nor her, me. No chance of an apology from her of course!

In a way I am glad not to have to deal with her anymore. I realised she could also live for many more years (narcissist types seem to live forever, is this because they always put themselves first?).

I did sometimes miss her - as she wasn't horrible all the time of course. But our connection was weak and I realised even when she was being nice she was actually quite disengaged.

At the same time I have also gotten shot of a few draining people in my life and have bigger boundaries now.

I was thinking only this morning how lovely it was to wake up and to not have to deal with all the people who used to stress me out. I am on my own a lot, thats true. But there is also more peace, and I am enjoying it.

I have found other people's stories here sad but also validating. Everyone's circumstances are different. There is no one 'perfect' way to deal with a difficult mother. LC, VLC, NC, I think we all have to find what works for us. I hope you do, OP.

Hithere

The danger of doing what you feel is right is following the programming put in you when you were a child or do what alleviates your guilt, not what is best for you.

Huge difference

Wise and thought provoking comment Hithere ?

I relate to all of this - endured pretty much the same from birth in 1957 until my Mum died in 2010.

My Mum had been traumatically widowed at 29 when her RAF pilot husband was killed in 1951. She met my late Dad, married him in 1955, and I was born in 1957.

She then almost died when I was born, (and we believe lost my twin), from two very serious infections and surgeons only just saved her leg with what was a pioneering operation at the time, (she had a DVT from being kept lying in the infection hospital). As a result we were separated for the first three months of my life when I had to be sent to my Irish grandparents.

These two massive traumas coloured her life, and she could never put them behind her, and made my late father’s life hell too. To her he could never replace her first husband, and she told him this in frequent rants. She told me virtually every day of life that I had ruined her life ‘from the day I was born’.

Now it might be deemed PTSD and counselling offered, but not then, and she was clealry mentally ill/depressed.

I did not at all mourn for her, and my fabulous GP assured me this was totally understandable....he having known my Mum all too well, her having been a patient of his for decades.

The danger of doing what you feel is right is following the programming put in you when you were a child or do what alleviates your guilt, not what is best for you.

Huge difference

Maddyone, a close friend of mine always said that having challenging mothers made us better mothers. Thank your mother for that gift and then leave it to the care home to look after her. From what you've said, (and that was only in a nutshell!) I personally think you've done enough at keeping the daughter/mother relationship afloat. If she wasn't blood to you I think you would have walked away from her years ago and, taking into account her attitude and treatment of you and your family, you would be completely justified!

maddyone, I would say as others have so long as the home are keeping you informed there’s no need for you to contact her.
I am sure she will contact you in time when you can just say yes I was aware of the situation and was kept informed.

It’s a horrible situation but I think you are doing brilliantly?

Stay strong??and come on here for support whenever you need to?

Maddy, just do what you think is right and come on here to sound off a bit and release the tension.
Don’t feel bad about wishing it was all over, perfectly natural to feel that way when the pressure gets too much.
You have lots of support on here and many of us understand.
Big hug ?

Maddyone,

Follow her lead and do not chase her, that is what she wants
She is resentful you do not visit as much and she is having a tantrum.
Let her be.
Get your life back

If neither your mum nor your sister has been in touch directly then you could leave it, particularly as you say this is part of her pattern of behaviour. What would you gain from sending her a message? I would leave it to see if she cracks and gets in touch with you when you could simply say the home is keeping you informed. Or phone the hospital to find out how she is and ask them to let her know you've been in touch. My mother has many quirks and her absolute refusal to go to hospital to visit or for herself is legendary. She makes it all about her, but in a different way. I used to play the 'comment bingo' as a way of managing my responses. My family and I would secretly laugh when the well worn statements came out! It did help to take the emotion out of things for me. ? Keep coming on here for solidarity.

Yes I agree Tilly, but unfortunately cutting my visits down is what has led to the situation where mother has decided not to communicate with me about being in hospital. She’s being awkward because she’s resentful that I’ve cut my visits down. Instead she lets my sister know who is 250 miles away and doesn’t drive and tells her to let my daughter in law know.

My only thought is to cut the visits to your mother down.
A parent who has not been loving and supportive to their children really can’t expect them to be dutiful and caring when they reach old age.
You reap what you sow I’m afraid.

Thank you again for your responses, it does help me. The hospital have said that mum has a water infection and they’re not sure if they’re keeping her in or not yet. Mum still hasn’t communicated with me at all about any of this. I’m not sure whether to get in touch with her or leave it for now. She’s playing her manipulative games again with me again. She’s always liked to play one person off against another, so me and my sister at the moment.
Grandmabatty your mother sounds very like mine, the way you say she always put you down and criticised you. That’s my mum too but she has always played manipulative games as well.
I’m just weary of it all. I think she’s been in hospital more than any person I know. She likes going into hospital because it brings attention to her. She must have been in hospital about fifty times over her lifetime.
Thank you for hugs nanna8.

Would it help to block your sister on your phone? You know the home will inform you if your mum needs to go to hospital. You are correct. She's trying to pull you into line.

Hugs to you maddyone. Keep smiling through....

So many people with difficult mothers. Mine is at it again. I’ve taken advice from Gransnet and cut down my visits to her to once every four to five days, and I’ve been unemotional and not engaged with her about her illnesses. I last visited her on Wednesday this week. Now it appears she has to go into hospital. She texted this information to my sister, who lives 250 miles away and has serious and long standing mental health issues, probably brought on by her difficult relationship with my mother as she was growing up and first married. Now she has an apparently good relationship with mother, phoning her for an hour a day. However mother chose to not let me know that she’s going into hospital, even though I visit and do everything for her. Instead my sister texted my daughter in law to let her know. My husband said mother is trying to pull me into line because I’ve not visited as frequently and not engaged about her illnesses. The out of hours doctor who visited her said mother might have kidney failure so needs to go to hospital for tests. I’m finding myself wishing she doesn’t come out of hospital. I’m fed up of her games. She’s playing games with me because she sees me as not dutiful enough so refuses to give basic information such as she’s going into hospital. We’ve spoken to the home staff, and they said they’ll keep us informed. At present she’s waiting for an ambulance.
I just want this all to end. I’m probably terrible for thinking such a thing, but it’s how I feel.
Thank you for all your comments. I know many of you have had, or are having tough times with your mothers. It does seem to be mothers, not usually fathers. I wonder why?

I had a difficult relationship with my mother,too. Maybe it was because they got damaged during the war years, maybe not. We actually emigrated so I didn’t see her that often and the funny thing is she was a good and loving grandma when we did see her and I got on with her much better. All I could say has already been said and said well. Your Mum is very,very old now and won’t change but you can change. Don’t buy into her manipulative behaviour and just stay away as much as you can bear it without feeling guilty. You deserve all the support you can get !

Grandmabatty?

I only have very general conversations with my mum too.No personal information, as you say everything very bland.

Susan and Maddyone ?. It is very hard when a comment or behaviour sneaks past your boundary, I know to my cost. My mother has been jealous of me all my life and constantly makes digs which used to upset me. I changed the year I retired as every social occasion she was at, she was vile. The final straw was when she made my lovely, heavily pregnant daughter cry. I swore then that I would visit her on my terms but leave when I wanted. She still tries to get a dig in but I look at her as if she was an interesting specimen and don't rise. The last one was a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned I had lost weight and tops I got for Christmas were two sizes smaller. She claimed they must have been made big. I now laugh at these comments and say I'm off shopping so she never knows it's hurtful. It's hard but fake it til you make it. I tell her nothing about the children that isn't vague or bland as she will use the information against me or them. Everything is "fine " Ranting here helps.

maddyone and LauraNorderr - 'duty bound' but emotionally, we can distance ourselves. I think it's best to give up all hope of them changing.

I still have vivid memories of a holiday, in Cornwall, with a friend and her family. I was 11 - and so shocked to discover a truly happy, caring family.

They enjoyed each other's company, laughed and joked, radiated love and warmth. The mother hugged me a lot, saying I must miss my mum (so I pretended to). My sadness came from that voice in my head, screaming 'Please, please, adopt me, I never want to go home!'

maddyone, like you I feel it is too late to walk away and I like you will do my duty.

Grandmabatty gave me the advice to emotionally distance myself from my mother and it took a while but it was such good advice and has made life more bearable.

Most of the time I can cope but yesterday she outdid herself and really upset me.On the plus side it used to take me days if not weeks to get over such a vile episode but I had an early night and am fine today.

My mum will never change so I have to change how I deal with her and most of the time with the support of my lovely and very patient husband I can now manage.

I find the whole situation sad though and I’m sure I always will but I try not to give it too much space in my head these days.

I understand that Hithere. I feel that the time for walking away was in the early years of my marriage when she accused my husband of stealing from her several times. He didn’t steal from her, he would never steal from anyone but would much rather do a favour for someone. He’s out now, volunteering at the Covid vaccination site. He never put any pressure on me to break from my family even in the worst times. I loved my dad and the rest of my family so I didn’t break from them, although severely tempted during the accusations period. Now I just feel it’s my duty but I’ve cut my visits down to about every five days. She doesn’t like it, but there it is. I also don’t give sympathy when she complains and attention seeks about her illnesses and I know she doesn’t like that and complains to my sister about me. I tell her not to shout at me or I leave if she’s nasty. I’ve made progress thanks to Gransnet but I know I have to do my duty by her. As my husband says, ‘Do what’s reasonable and no more, but do it because you’ll only feel guilty if you don’t after she’s gone.’ He knows me so well.

I would say the same as a lot of others have done. Decide what you can tolerate and stick to it. maybe fewer visits to the home and tell her if she shouts or shows you up you will leave. tell the staff what you are doing .
Be pleased that in an odd way she has made you into an even better mum than you might have been. Kind,caring and thoughtful towards others needs, after being set such a bad example.
Be proud of what you have achieved with your family, don't let her have control anymore.It must be awful for you.

As I see it, you are dammed if you do continue contact and dammed if you don’t. The guilt you’ll feel if you cut contact will trigger involvement with her again, unless you are exceptionally strong. I feel for you. Guilt is such a powerful, but also often useless emotion, it rules so many lives.

Maddyone

You choose to continue this duty bond.
Only you can break this cycle

Yes Hetty I’m duty bound to carry on. I just wonder how long for, and I feel guilty for thinking that.