Gransnet forums

Relationships

Ongoing strained relationship with Son

(32 Posts)
Edge26 Sun 16-Jan-22 09:37:06

I have posted on the site before with issues with my son and had some good advice.
He has never liked it when I told him that me and my OH want to spend Sundays to ourselves and thinks he should be allowed to visit if he wants to and says I am spiteing my GC . I see my GC twice a week as I provide childcare and see my son when I drop them home. Last Sunday at 11am I had a txt to ask if I could sit with the GC that evening so they could go out. To be honest I didn't want to so I replied that I couldn't and hope they didn't mind. Had no reply until 5 hrs later saying I was horrible and wicked as they wanted to take DIL's mom out who lives 25 miles away as it was her son's birthday ( he passed away 18 months ago) . I was gobsmacked to be honest as to their reaction. He wanted me to ring him but I didn't as I knew I would only get verbal abuse on the phone. Now I have been told that I am not welcome at my GS's Christening next month as it's a Sunday and also because I didn't babysit. My DIL has said some pretty awful things to me and made some comments about me on FB. Any advice would be welcome.

love0c Sun 16-Jan-22 09:44:34

I get the strong impression that there has been a lot going on for a while. I do not understand why your son did not give the reason as to why you were asked to babysit last Sunday? It is almost like he was wanting? testing you? to say no? We would all make allowances to our 'own time' if it was for a specific 'one off'. I really find this strange. Do you feel able or want to put this to him? It could clear the air this time for you.

Shelflife Sun 16-Jan-22 09:59:14

You have every right to say “ no “. You have made it clear that you do not want to babysit on Sundays. I recognise this was a one off and they wanted to be with DSs in laws for a special reason. I feel your son should have made that clear to you when he asked you to sit with his Children - you would then have been in a position to make an exception.,You provide childcare twice a week that is very generous indeed and I hope your DIL and DS appreciate that ? I think AC sometimes forget that if GPs provide childcare they are doing their AC a favour , it is not the other way round !!

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:07:30

I think I remember you. You’re really struggling aren’t you, but you must put yourselves first. Your son is blackmailing you, there’s no other way of looking at it.

If you keep giving in, he’ll keep doing it. You have every right to say ‘no’. He needs to learn respect, and perhaps keeping your distance will help him do this.

Edge26 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:27:26

love03,
yes, I think you are right, he does test me, if they ask me favours and I oblige I am the best mother but woe betide if I don't. I can't even explain myself to him as he always goes off on one. He is always playing me off against my OH as he says I am putting him first before him and GC. I am retired but have quite a busy life and he thinks I am being unreasonable about time to ourselves.

Edge26 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:33:43

DiscoDancer1975,
Yes I am struggling, it is really hard for me and for my OH, but I am NOT giving in. My son would love it if my OH and me parted as he tends to put the blame on him ( he is not my son's father and we have been together for 18 years )

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:37:48

Edge26

DiscoDancer1975,
Yes I am struggling, it is really hard for me and for my OH, but I am NOT giving in. My son would love it if my OH and me parted as he tends to put the blame on him ( he is not my son's father and we have been together for 18 years )

Good. All the more reason for you to hold your ground. You deserve your own life. We’re not here just to make life easier for our grown up children we’ve still got ours to live.

Hope it all works out for you.

Fleur20 Sun 16-Jan-22 11:51:01

Stay strong.
Tough love can be required at any age.
You are absolutely entitled to your own life and to live it with the person you choose.
When you have children they are your responsibility until they are adults and are independent. You know this, I know this. Your son is still learning it appears. He cant pap them off when it isnt convenient. Any more than he can snap his fingers and have you jump.
Their reaction reveals who they really are. Rude, disrespectful and entitled.
You have done nothing wrong in this situation,
Step back and take care.

sodapop Sun 16-Jan-22 12:15:32

I agree with Fleur20 you are allowed to have your own life with whoever you choose Edge26 your son and daughter in law sound like spoiled brats who take too much for granted. Stay strong.

Kim19 Sun 16-Jan-22 13:29:56

Well done you for managing to say no to his request for babysitting at short notice. It's very difficult, I know.

Florencelady Tue 18-Jan-22 19:04:56

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward is a very useful book on this type of situation. One useful tip she gives is just pick one sentence eg Sorry Sunday doesn't work for me...no other explanation . Getting into a discussion just gives him more opportunity to bully you.
You are doing nothing wrong.

Bibbity Tue 18-Jan-22 19:53:14

It's great you are standing up against his abuse.

I assume that as you are not good enough to attend the christening your childcare duties in the week are also cancelled?

Nonogran Tue 18-Jan-22 20:04:51

Oh my goodness, as Bibbity (above) has said, if you’re not invited to the christening how can you be expected to take care of the children? How will you feel when you see them again after the baptism? In your shoes I’d back off, big time for a bit & maybe not look after the kids? Feign illness or something & let them find out just how much they rely on you. Their attitude beggars belief.
Your son & wife do sound bullying & disrespectful. Well done you for not giving into the Sunday request to babysit. Who do they think they are to blackmail and ostracise you. That’s dreadful.

Sapphire24 Tue 18-Jan-22 20:09:07

One question I have is, if it was such a special occasion for MIL to be taken out for a meal, why was it left til the last minute to ask you to babysit?
I'm afraid if I was treated so badly by my son and DIL, I would stop the other babysitting and limit contact. It sounds very much like your GC is being used as a pawn in what comes across as a very toxic relationship. I admire you making a stand and you should carry on with it. You deserve much better hugs x

Libman Tue 18-Jan-22 20:16:05

So have they said they don’t want any help looking after the children anymore? I would say they can’t have their cake and eat it. If it was so important to go out they should have told you, given you some notice but still should have accepted your decision with a good grace if it was a refusal. Your son sounds a bit immature to me.

Hithere Tue 18-Jan-22 21:26:44

Such an unfair situation flowers

CafeAuLait Tue 18-Jan-22 21:52:47

It sounds like they take you for granted. You are very generous to babysit two days a week and there is nothing wrong with having Sunday set aside as quiet time for you and your partner.

Your son and DIL are being very immature and unfair. It's their job to care for their children. You have the right to say not. They asked at the last minute. They didn't tell you that it was for something special (and you could still have said no). Now they are excluding you. I can understand this is hurtful for you.

VioletSky Tue 18-Jan-22 22:04:11

I'm so sorry, I'm glad you are sticking to your boundaries

Norah Tue 18-Jan-22 22:10:15

Of course your OH comes first. I'd not provide childcare until I received an apology for bad behaviour.

Serendipity22 Tue 18-Jan-22 22:23:01

It sounds to me like there is jealousy there with your son.

His behavior is that of a child.

You have every right to say you want to spend your sunday with your OH every right.

I cant help but wonder why you werent given an explanation as to why they wanted you to look after the GC! If you were given a reason for their request then you would have gone but if you dont know, how can you then be in the firing line ?

PerserverencePays Wed 19-Jan-22 13:53:46

Sometimes you have to step back and realise that your nearest and dearest, your son in this case, is bullying you.
Research tactics for dealing with bullies, and choose the ones that will work for you. Stay strong! You need to change a life time’s habit of giving in to him, one tactic at a time, it can be done.

Edge26 Sat 22-Jan-22 09:47:25

I hope I get a response from this or maybe start another thread. I want to thank all of you for you kind words and advice.
It has been an awful week. To much has happened for me to write it all down, but this is the gist of it.
My DIL has turned against me and said something not very nice about my OH. Her parting words to me yesterday when I picked up my GS was F.... Off. I was fuming . My son once again was blaming my OH for everything.
My DIL has now said she won't let me see the GC anymore.
My OH has finally had enough of the situation and has told me to cut all ties with them all or risk losing him.
To be honest after the my son and DIL has treated me I no longer want anything to do with them, but can't bear the thought of not seeing my GC. I feel on the verge of a breakdown and for the sake of my health I am going down the road of having to give my GC up as I cannot see the situation ever changing. I know they will tell my GC that Nanny doesn't love them more, but if I can afford it I will fight for Grandparents rights. Am I doing the right thing. Also, I have been with my OH for 18 years.

Msida Sat 22-Jan-22 09:58:18

Sorry what.. You told your son he can't visit on Sundays because you want to be alone with your other half

That's sounds so silly, if I said that to my children they probably would think I am joking

I do wonder what you would say if he gave you certain days you can not visit him 🤔😳

I am with your son on this I think for a Mum to say this to her son, well its sad especially for your son

I would have really hated it if my Mother would have said that to me and I would have been very upset

Have never heard such a thing

I hope my frankness has not upset you that is not my intention but wanted for you to perhaps see it from your sons side

I hope you resolve this issue because sons are precious parts of our family and life is too short to be arguing and fighting with our sons of all people

Bibbity Sat 22-Jan-22 12:24:11

Msida

Sorry what.. You told your son he can't visit on Sundays because you want to be alone with your other half

That's sounds so silly, if I said that to my children they probably would think I am joking

I do wonder what you would say if he gave you certain days you can not visit him 🤔😳

I am with your son on this I think for a Mum to say this to her son, well its sad especially for your son

I would have really hated it if my Mother would have said that to me and I would have been very upset

Have never heard such a thing

I hope my frankness has not upset you that is not my intention but wanted for you to perhaps see it from your sons side

I hope you resolve this issue because sons are precious parts of our family and life is too short to be arguing and fighting with our sons of all people

I don't think there is anything strange about that request at all.

Why wouldn't people want to day to be with their partners and enjoy their company in peace?

He is a grown man. If he can not respect this simple boundary it just goes to further prove the issues he clearly has.

Madgran77 Sun 23-Jan-22 14:19:24

He is a grown man. If he can not respect this simple boundary it just goes to further prove the issues he clearly has.

I agree. People are entitled to make their own decisions about what works for them in their lives and to equate this decision with "not prioritising" and "its OHS fault" sounds like childish tantrums!

However we have no way of knowing what on earth has triggered all this and why DIL behaves as she does. .. there may have been no trigger tho in terms of anything OP has or has not done.

OP - how awful to be caught between a rock and a hard place with OH saying you risk losing him. So sorry! flowers