Smacking children

I smacked my kids if their behaviour warranted it. I found an immediate sharp slap or clip round the ear was far more effective than sending them to their room, sitting them on the naughty step or saying 'Just wait till your Dad gets home!' I was never smacked as a child so I wasn't repeating my parent's actions. Our boys grew up into perfectly normal, well balanced, untraumatised adults who now remember with great amusement me taking a swipe at them occasionally. They don't smack their children, but I've heard my eldest say ' You behave yourself or Nanny will be after you! It works because they don't know what I might do.

You’re right about our posters. Many of whom did experience excessive chastisement, cruelt but haven’t repeated that pattern

There isnt a parent here who has said they constantly abused their children.
The children are the only people we need to make our peace with.
It's clear that most of us have close, loving relationships with our offspring, and that is good enough.

I suppose I was thinking of the law MissA. Im not saying smacking is ok. Im reflecting on the number of posters who have referred to one incident, one smack. Not an attack on a child, many blows or a sustained smacking that leaves bruises and marks. That would be an assault which a parent could be charged with. Police/social workers wouldn’t want to criminalise a loving caring parent for one smack

How can abuse once not be abuse though?
Either something is a abusive or it isn't.
All this goes to show is that people are trying themselves in knots trying to fit in with how others perceive them.

Marmite, which methods do you mean? Are you referring to the behaviour management VioletSky describes at the school she works in?
I agree with you that in our own families, the essence is closeness and life. Families have an emotional temperature, a culture about the way we live together. One if the things I remember from working with families was the mantra - adults run families, not children

I've just read through this thread and feel as if I'm in another world.
The use of physical violence to correct something "naughty" is so stupid. Especially in a relationship, eg parent child, where the essence is closeness and love.
These methods might be useful in the advisory work of an Ed Psych. (which was my job -I never advised smacking) but not in our own family problems.

I'm beginning to wonder if being made to eat three sprouts and told that children in Africa were starving was emotional abuse?

I think it made me more aware that life is unfair and that some children were in desperate situations compared to me and made me more compassionate.

MissAdventure

So, making them upset by sending them to their room is abuse?
Emotional abuse?

Mine liked it, all their toys were there.

As a teenager, one of mine used to go to her bedroom and unscrew the door handle.

At seven years old I remember being quite sickly and threw up in the classroom, I had my arm up to ask to be allowed outside which the teacher ignored then when I couldn't hold it back any longer received a whack across the legs with the blackboard stick because she had to clean up the vomit. She always used the stick and most of the class had bruises on their legs. Often teachers would use put down remarks to children as well. I'm in my seventies and am glad they don't allow that anymore.

Threatening to send children away - that’s emotionally abusive
One smack to back of hand or leg - rarely or once, isn’t physical abuse IMO. Many of us smacked like that once, felt we’d fit it badly wrong and didn’t do it agsin

I marginally preferred the smacks & being told I was wicked , to having a mother pretending she had gone to the telephone box to ring the Children’s home to come & take me there.

Confiscating their belongings and not allowing them back until you see fit?
More abuse?

So, making them upset by sending them to their room is abuse?
Emotional abuse?

DiscoDancer1975

“There are so many of you talking about belts, rulers, slippers, being beaten, canes, and other implements. This is abuse, and horrific. No wonder you don’t want to smack if you think this is the definition of’ smacking’.

I...and I’m sure many other posters, are not talking about this at all. I’m talking one short smack...back of hand or calf, when they’re too young to understand negotiation. So under three.

I found once my children reached three, there was no need, they were so good anyway. If they weren’t, I just took things away.

For the sake of trying to explain this, I don’t remember exactly, but two of my four children probably had five smacks a year each. The other two never needed them.

We really need to get this into perspective. Abuse is an entirely different thing to a one off short smack. I would be so hurt if I thought the years of abuse I suffered were put in the same league as the kid next door who got the odd smack. ( hypothetical). I wasn’t abused at all....just smacked.”

Any pain inflicted on a child is abuse. Whether harsh or light, if it hurts it’s abuse.

I did smack my son but very rarely. It was when he was sort of 3 and 4 years old when he was tall and well grown for his age,. He was of course curious but could reach more things than most of the children of his age and it was when he did things that were a danger to him and others. In particular I was very worried when he was getting excited about plugs and holes in the skirting board areas. He would be poking things with pencils, and once I found him with a pair of metal knitting needles just about to stick them in the plug!! and whatever he had in his hand. We lived abroad for some of that time and I did not trust the electrics safety, and in those days there were no safety plug things that you could stick in . The major problem was that he was strong and where other children of about that age couldnt actually remove the plugs my son could do it easily. He also frightened the life out of me when he was in his car seat and then suddenly he was stood up behind me in the car. The first time it happened I thought I hadnt put the seat belt on properly. But no, he was intelligent and watched how things fitted together and then promptly worked out how to undo things. the manufacturers said it wasnt possible for the child to twist and press etc and open the belt, (they hadnt met my son!) So for the plugs and the taking the belt off I would say NO in a very loud voice and give him one smack usually on his legs. He was always so surprised as it was not something I usually did and I remember him staring at me and rubbing his leg and not crying.! I felt awful about doing it but it was all I could think of to do and it was his safety that mattered . I am sure that is why my hair went grey early!! For ordinary upsets and any tantrums sort of things I tended to remove whatever the hassle was about and say dont and once he was a bit older you could explain why. If there was squabbles with children over toys etc., if they were playing in my house, my first thing was to say now share nicely or find something else etc. If it was a toy they were getting annoyed with I would just remove it and say find something else to play with, or if they begged to have it back I would have a sort of timed things and say well find something else for now and I would keep it away for about 10 minutes and if they settled down would give it back. At that time we lived in a big old house with high ceilings and a big landing. My husband got a big board and we laid out all the train track. then all the farm animals cars, etc were there for them to make bridges etc. Had a lot of lego that they used to make signals etc . Very popular in the winter time as you knew where they were and they were warm and safe. If a row ensued over anything my greatest threat was that if they couldnt play well together the other children would have to go home and I would switch the train set off and there would be a limit of time that he was not allowed to play with it. The worse would be that it was turned off until the next day. I rarely did that but it was definitely my best way to deal with it. Ah well he is in his 40's now and has his own little boy. Long time ago.

MissAdventure

Yes, that is another consideration, of course.
Peoples living conditions, their own upbringing, the support they had (or didn't) their income and personal issues.

Totally agree with this. If children live in a calm, supportive loving environment with parents who have had good parenting themselves, they are very lucky. For so many this is not their experience. I don't judge my mother for smacking me, her life was difficult and unhappy but she didn't abuse me, even as a child I understood this. I always understood why she'd smacked me. Of course "smacking" a child is wrong but calling it "abuse" labels every parent, who has ever smacked a child, an abusive parent is judgemental in the extreme. Surely we should keep that term for real abuse which is calculated, often cold and sometimes nothing to do with physical violence?

Missiseff - sorry you had such a tough time. I hope you and your beautiful son find some peace

One of my grandchildren would deliberately do something very naughty and then immediately go a sit on the “naughty step”. Seemed pointless punishment as grandchild thought it ok to break rules as she’d then sit out for a time.

I remember hiding cabbage in with the mashed potatoes for my kids in the hope that they would eat it. They always found it though, so that didn't work! Smacking always a no no in my view.

Yes, that is another consideration, of course.
Peoples living conditions, their own upbringing, the support they had (or didn't) their income and personal issues.

My biggest regret. My kids weren't naughty at all, but I had a short temper, was living with their alcoholic father in a mountain of debt. Not excuses. There are none. My beautiful son bore the brunt of it & I will have to take the regret to my grave.

What different upbringings we’ve all had. I always envied people who had loving parents especially a caring mother. My mother was a very angry woman and would vent her frustrations out on my sister and I. One day she hit me so hard I had a hand+shaped bruise on my arm, she never hit me again but my sister’s bullying of me intensified.
Mother also used my father as a threat as I was terrified of his anger. I never needed to be hit, frightened or screamed at as an already traumatised child. Looking back I realise that my Mother was a cruel woman who enjoyed tormenting her children and wanted them to feel as worthless as she did. My sister followed in her footsteps - not a good place to be at the bottom of the pecking order, and today I have not much contact with my sister. I was never a perfect parent and clung on as best I could through depression, never wanting my children to have had the loveless life I did, and for anything I did that was unjust I apologise. Even now if anyone shows me an act of genuine kindness I dissolve. (One little girl recently killed by her parents had 60 broken bones in her body - what the hell had she done to deserve that?)

There are so many of you talking about belts, rulers, slippers, being beaten, canes, and other implements. This is abuse, and horrific. No wonder you don’t want to smack if you think this is the definition of’ smacking’.

I...and I’m sure many other posters, are not talking about this at all. I’m talking one short smack...back of hand or calf, when they’re too young to understand negotiation. So under three.

I found once my children reached three, there was no need, they were so good anyway. If they weren’t, I just took things away.

For the sake of trying to explain this, I don’t remember exactly, but two of my four children probably had five smacks a year each. The other two never needed them.

We really need to get this into perspective. Abuse is an entirely different thing to a one off short smack. I would be so hurt if I thought the years of abuse I suffered were put in the same league as the kid next door who got the odd smack. ( hypothetical). I wasn’t abused at all....just smacked.

I don't know what happened to the teacher but I remember another one at a different school who got sacked for hitting a child, not just a smack, an assault. That one had humiliated my child in front of the whole class the year previously. She hadn't learnt, she just got worse.
Vile woman.